The Global Recession is hitting a lot of people hard. One of the few sectors you wouldn't expect to be effected by this is webcomics. There's retarded monkeys with their own webcomics, and they're dead, but over at Achewood, there hasn't been an update to the site since Jan 12th, and even then it wasn't that funny or interesting, which summarizes Achewood quite efficiently. There was an explanation for this, however, blaming financial woes, moving, family troubles, etc., all blamed on the Recession. I know times are tough all around, and he's not getting paid like Jim fucking Davis, but still...
I don't know what to think. I think an artist has the right to walk away from his art, but it's something to be avoided. That's like leaving your baby at Wal-Mart. If it's ending, I'm going to feel what I felt when Calvin & Hobbes went away. Comics are taken for granted sometimes, be they in the paper, comic book, or online. No one really want to see them go.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Bizarrobama
There's a new threat facing America and it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq, terrorism, the failing economy, or unemployment. It's Barack Obama, and how fucking awesome he is.
You might ask, "Why is that a problem?"
And I might tell you, "SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm talking here."
I'll tell you why, Pepe: When something is too awesome, it creates something of equal and opposite shitiness. You've got your Jesus H. Christ, and you've got the Anti-Christ, Tsirhc Z. Susej (Why "Z?" Because Jesus's middle name is, "Hernandez," ergo, "Zednanreh." Look at your Bible, but don't open it.) You've got your good Spock, and your evil, goatee wearing Spock from an mirror world, stylish, but sensible. Sensibly EVIL! You've got your Superman, and you've got Bizarro, Superman's evil opposite clone. Green kryptonite doesn't do shit all to Bizzaro, motherfucker. Unfortunately, Bizzaro also happens to have, "special needs."
So let's say someone tries to clone Obama, which they will, the clone will come out wrong, because you can't replicate Obama's Kryptonian D.N.A.. He'll be the opposite of Obama, he'll be inarticulate, unloveable, old and white.
In short, he'll be George W. Bush.
Ouchies.
I had a dream last night about a cobra biting my upper left eyelid, causing my eye to swell shut. The entire left side of my face became paralysed, and a I kept drooling because I couldn't shut my mouth properly. I had a weird awareness of the dream, and it felt like I had really injured myself in my sleep, and if I woke up I'd find drool all over my pillow. I felt fine when I did wake, however.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Next Stop... Cracktown!
Abbotsford, the town I live in is literally going crazy. A group of people were arrested in the mall parking lot two blocks from my house on suspicion of possessing firearms. One of them was a Bacon brothers, one of three related members of the Red Scorpions Gang. The next day, the same brother was involved in a targeted gang-related shooting in broad daylight at a busy intersection. I think I may have actually driven by that one on my way home for lunch without realizing what was going on. All I saw was a blue PT Cruiser stopped at the side of the road where it shouldn't be. So, based on my timing, I could have been hit by a stray bullet. That night, a man was found tied up, shot, beaten and left for dead (the order is unknown) in a driveway of a grow-op rip-off. Then immediately afterwards, there was an outbreak of Avian Flu at a local turkey farm. 60,000 turkeys are being culled as a result. Then there was a 15-20 person bar room brawl downtown. Then it was revealed that a group of local gang members (the Red Scorpions again) were in possession of around 150 sticks of dynamite, but had turned them over to police in a plea-deal. You know what you can do with 150 sticks of dynamite? Blow up a mountain. Then, a bank was robbed, and there was a subsequent carjacking. I think a Subway was robbed too.
Bear in mind, all of this is happening in the space of a week, in a normally sleepy Bible-thumping border town filled to the brim with non-conforming immigrants and disapproving Mennonites. I've written a lot about how this town is going down the crapper, and in fact has been in the toilet since it's inception, but people are writing articles in the provincial paper about this place going crazy, and they're holding emergency town meetings on how to curb all of violence.
Abbotsford is not a big city by any means. We don't even have our own Olive Garden, for God's sake. As such, a person would expect to have certain advantages over living in a big city, like nearby Vancouver, like not being shot in the fucking face by stray gunfire, or dying of a bird disease usually relegated to rural China, where they put melamine in baby formula, but no. Do you know how in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," the town of Sunnydale is overrun with vampires because it's sitting over the Hellmouth? Well I suspect sort of the same thing is happening here, only there's no hot blondes with wooden stakes or their lesbian band-camp, pussy-fluting witch friends to sort things out.
Imagine a town completely populated by dirty, ugly, ignorant, prejudiced people clinging to false beliefs, where everywhere you look someone's giving you the stink-eye. That's kind of the case here. It's delving into bad movie territory, like an old western where only the mysterious stranger who rides into town one day can save the Christian widow and her son from land-jumpers. Ugh...
Bear in mind, all of this is happening in the space of a week, in a normally sleepy Bible-thumping border town filled to the brim with non-conforming immigrants and disapproving Mennonites. I've written a lot about how this town is going down the crapper, and in fact has been in the toilet since it's inception, but people are writing articles in the provincial paper about this place going crazy, and they're holding emergency town meetings on how to curb all of violence.
Abbotsford is not a big city by any means. We don't even have our own Olive Garden, for God's sake. As such, a person would expect to have certain advantages over living in a big city, like nearby Vancouver, like not being shot in the fucking face by stray gunfire, or dying of a bird disease usually relegated to rural China, where they put melamine in baby formula, but no. Do you know how in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," the town of Sunnydale is overrun with vampires because it's sitting over the Hellmouth? Well I suspect sort of the same thing is happening here, only there's no hot blondes with wooden stakes or their lesbian band-camp, pussy-fluting witch friends to sort things out.
Imagine a town completely populated by dirty, ugly, ignorant, prejudiced people clinging to false beliefs, where everywhere you look someone's giving you the stink-eye. That's kind of the case here. It's delving into bad movie territory, like an old western where only the mysterious stranger who rides into town one day can save the Christian widow and her son from land-jumpers. Ugh...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Gotcha!
I finally got a joke from Robot Chicken that defied viewers to understand it. The joke featured a man standing in baseball field, asking the audience, "Do you get it?" The joke lasts just as long as he can deliver his line, then cuts out. In the background, there's a sign proclaiming the name of the stadium, but it's not part of the joke. During the four seconds, you have just enough time to catch a glimpse of the man to realize he's oddly attired. He's wearing a scarf. Not just any scarf, a Dr.Who scarf. So Dr.Who's playing baseball, ego, Who's on first, which is the famous Abbot and Costello routine. The joke requires you to put together two obscure and outdated references together in the span of four seconds, which is the essence of Robot Chicken.
It's taken me well over a year to get this joke, after the seventh or eighth viewing, and I laughed for about two seconds.
It's taken me well over a year to get this joke, after the seventh or eighth viewing, and I laughed for about two seconds.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Downloadable Content
So I downloaded the Knothole Island content for Fable II, a game I hadn't touched in a month since beating the tar out of it. 800 points gets you a new island to explore with new treasures and quests. Three quests, in fact, in a chain. If you try hard it's about three hours of gameplay. Visually, the area is more appealing and changes with the weather, allowing you to access different areas. It's also the only area in the game where you'll see snow, or a desert. The dungeons are more challenging with the strongest bad guys, and more difficult puzzles. Still, by this point your character is practically a God, and can wipe out the dungeon's baddies with a few magic spells. For the first time, I encountered traps that seemed as if they could actually kill my character. There's a few new wardrobes to collect, with the most noteable being the Knothole Knight's armour. For a fantasy game with swords and sorcery, this is the first actual piece of armour you'll put on. There's a store that allows you to trade in specific items in exchange for exclusive clothes and weapons, like Hal's Sword, a replica of a Halo gun, as well as an axe shaped like a guitar. The store has potions that can make you fatter, thinner, taller, shorter, and more attractive. There's only three shops and two houses you can buy, and they add nothing to your already groaning coffers.
So is it worth getting? Only if you're planning on keeping your copy of Fable II instead of trading it in. Otherwise it's a bit of a waste. I think the puzzles involved in the dungeons make it worth it, though. They're not really so challenging mentally, but rather depend on you having impeccable timing.
So is it worth getting? Only if you're planning on keeping your copy of Fable II instead of trading it in. Otherwise it's a bit of a waste. I think the puzzles involved in the dungeons make it worth it, though. They're not really so challenging mentally, but rather depend on you having impeccable timing.
T-Shirts I Own Extended Edition
Continuing with my T-Shirt collection, let's get into the truly batshit insane stuff.
The Great Equalizer. No, your eyes don't deceive you. 4 AAA batteries powers the fully functional animated equalizer display in the shirt. This shit is years ahead of it's time. Draw attention to your moobs like never before. Try washing it. It can't be done. Great for concerts and clubs, except you'll distract too much attention away for the real entertainment.
The LED Clock shirt. Same concept, only there's a fucking working clock in the shirt. Hey Flav-a-Flav, you tired of lugging that alarm clock around your neck? Try this shit out. Great for ringing in the New Year, if only your girlfriend would let you wear it to social events.
The Topless Robot T-Shirt. The colour and graphics for my grey T-shirt are a little different, but this baby was free from winning a blog-entry comment contest. Robots are awesome, but topless robots are more awesome, especially when their tits can be used as guided missiles.
The Cleveland Steamers/ Tenacious D 666 Hoodie. In BROWN. If you don't know what a Cleveland Steamer is by now, you should open your mouth and close your eyes, because I've got a big surprise.
The Great Equalizer. No, your eyes don't deceive you. 4 AAA batteries powers the fully functional animated equalizer display in the shirt. This shit is years ahead of it's time. Draw attention to your moobs like never before. Try washing it. It can't be done. Great for concerts and clubs, except you'll distract too much attention away for the real entertainment.
The LED Clock shirt. Same concept, only there's a fucking working clock in the shirt. Hey Flav-a-Flav, you tired of lugging that alarm clock around your neck? Try this shit out. Great for ringing in the New Year, if only your girlfriend would let you wear it to social events.
The Topless Robot T-Shirt. The colour and graphics for my grey T-shirt are a little different, but this baby was free from winning a blog-entry comment contest. Robots are awesome, but topless robots are more awesome, especially when their tits can be used as guided missiles.
The Cleveland Steamers/ Tenacious D 666 Hoodie. In BROWN. If you don't know what a Cleveland Steamer is by now, you should open your mouth and close your eyes, because I've got a big surprise.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
These Are the Shirts I Own I Own, These Are the Shirts I Own.
"These are the shirts I own, I own, these are the shirts I own." (Note: sung to the tune of "These are the Daves I Know," by Bruce Mccullough from Kids in the Hall.)Let's face it, people like T-shirts. I like T-shirts, you like T-shirts, eveyone likes T-Shirts. There's very little one could find fault with in with T-Shirts. You can wear 'em. Don't want to wear it? Then don't. Tear it up, and you've got yourself a new rag. It's got TWO uses. What more could you want?
So here's some of the shirts I own. Let's reviews, shall we?
+20 Shirt of Smiting. Let's say you're in a dungeon, and there's a dragon. You've got to let that sun-of-a-bitch you're ready to throw down. Hence, the +20 Shirt of Smiting you're wearing. What other piece of clothing do you own that has stats like this? None. I say put this one in your Bag of Holding. I give it a 10/10 +1.
The Black Mantle. A hoodie so ominous deserves a name that demands respect. I hope you like text, because this one has a lot of it. By the time they're done reading it, you've already vanquished your enemies. I give this one a 11/10, because I bought it from Tycho and Gabe in person at the Emerald City Comic Con 2008, thus adding to it's power, which is also where I got this little number:
Internet Dickwad Theory shirt. Also known as the Internet Fuckwad Theory. Indisputable proof that the Interwebs is making you an bigger asshole. 10/10.
The RPG shirt. When I kick it, I kick it ol' school. 9999/9999.
Jesus is F'ing Metal, but you knew that already, 'cause my Lord and Saviour is more hardcore than yours. 3:16/10.
LEEEEEEEEROY JENKINS!!! T-shirt. Are there two words that strike more fear into the hearts of evil? I think not. 10/10 + a chicken wing.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Unnecessary Precaution
It occurs to me that far too much of my life has been devoted to safety precaution. Much like children ducking and covering in the 50's onwards to keep from having their faces melted off by nuclear bombs, I've had to prep for ridiculous situations that will never happen. I think the worst was when a police officer came to school one day and showed us a video on what to do if our car became submerged in water with us trapped inside. I'm not sure what statistics they were using where it seemed necessary for kids to learn how to escape a sinking car, but I assume at this point in the 90's kids were literally drowning themselves inside cars all the time. It was a fad like getting high off of Whippets. So what do you do if your car goes in the water? You have to get out of the car as quickly as possible. Apparently, this isn't suppose to occur to you naturally, and you need to be told to do so by a uniformed police officer. The video explained several things of note, such as: if you're wearing your seatbelt, you should probably take it off before trying to leave the vehicle. If you were trying to leave through the passenger-side window, it was best to roll down the window beforehand. If you couldn't roll it down, you should try to break it open. How were you to break it open? With a special, handy-dandy tool designed specifically to break glass, which you kept in your glove compartment like Batman keeps shark repellant on the Batcopter. The video explains how common this item is, and how readily available it is. It does not explain where to procure such and amazing tool. One would assume that you could find this at a store, though what store would carry it, I don't know. It's been many years since seeing this video, and I have yet to find any physical evidence that it exists. The glass punch is as elusive as sasquatch to me.
I think someone tried to question the police officer on where they were supposed to get a glass punch, or why they would need it in any event, and their concerns were laughed off. They might have even been arrested.
Assume you didn't have a glass punch, however, and you needed to break through the glass windshield. You were supposed to be able to kick it out like you were some kind of bad-ass.
What if you couldn't? Well, you should have had a glass punch, sucker.
By this point, if you still couldn't get out of the car, you were probably screwed. You were supposed to go to the back of the car where there was an air pocket, which would last you about fifteen minutes, and hope that Aquaman saved you. So you had less than fifteen minutes of air, and you were presumably sinking. Even if you got that last breath of air, you still had to make it back to the surface. So you have about two minutes maximum to swim from the bottom of the lake to the surface before you drown, and you're probably a little concussed while you're doing this. So in other words: you die.
None of this information was very helpful, mind you. The only situation I think it would apply for is if you were ever on Fear Factor, and that's been cancelled.
I think someone tried to question the police officer on where they were supposed to get a glass punch, or why they would need it in any event, and their concerns were laughed off. They might have even been arrested.
Assume you didn't have a glass punch, however, and you needed to break through the glass windshield. You were supposed to be able to kick it out like you were some kind of bad-ass.
What if you couldn't? Well, you should have had a glass punch, sucker.
By this point, if you still couldn't get out of the car, you were probably screwed. You were supposed to go to the back of the car where there was an air pocket, which would last you about fifteen minutes, and hope that Aquaman saved you. So you had less than fifteen minutes of air, and you were presumably sinking. Even if you got that last breath of air, you still had to make it back to the surface. So you have about two minutes maximum to swim from the bottom of the lake to the surface before you drown, and you're probably a little concussed while you're doing this. So in other words: you die.
None of this information was very helpful, mind you. The only situation I think it would apply for is if you were ever on Fear Factor, and that's been cancelled.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Car Crash
I had one of those dreams last night where you die and wake up. It'll happen every so often. In this dream, I was driving down the mountainside with my girlfriend and it was pouring down rain. You couldn't see five feet in front of your hood. The windshield wipers did nothing. The grey skies and grey asphalt all sort of blend together until you can't tell which is which. This is the sort of weather I've been driving in lately. It's been raining so much the roads have been flooding, and the sun doesn't shine all day. So I'm coming to a bend in the road, and I know it's there, but I can't tell how much it's bending. There's no lines on the road that I can see, so I over steer, and I start to spin out of control. The car glides off of the road and flies through the air, spinning as it goes. I fall hundreds of feet in the little downtown core residing beside the cliff side. I have no idea, but I have the feeling my car falls through the roof of a McDonalds. Then I wake up, and it's eight o'clock on a lazy Sunday morning. My voice feels hoarse from the screaming, although I don't utter a word in my sleep.
I spend most of the day reorganizing my bedroom, moving the desk from one side to the other and putting the old computer away in the closet. I'll have to reorganize the closet sometime soon, but I'm at a loss for how to fix the mess. I'll probably have to buy some shelves. There's more room now, and all the chairs face the television now, so there's a better focus.
I spend most of the day reorganizing my bedroom, moving the desk from one side to the other and putting the old computer away in the closet. I'll have to reorganize the closet sometime soon, but I'm at a loss for how to fix the mess. I'll probably have to buy some shelves. There's more room now, and all the chairs face the television now, so there's a better focus.
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