Things That Haven't Killed Me

Growing up in the 80's, you're schooled in the dangers of the world by your parent, grandparents, teachers, guest speakers, after-school specials, and the trifecta that was He-Man, G.I. Joe and the Transformers. I'm sure there were anamorphic vegetables with religious views somewhere in there too. Their combined efforts kept you alive longer than you had any right to be, you drug addict.
Some of their advice was just bullshit, though. I don't know whose lives they were tailored for, but it certainly wasn't mine. For instance: Do you know what to do when you step in some quicksand? I do. The key is: Don't PANIC! Don't move, and you've sink slower, which will give you more time to contemplate your slow, agonizing death of drowning in mud. Don't think about how they'll never find your body. Try to call for help, or grab a nearby vine and pull yourself to safety. Use your belt as a laso in a bind. Don't have any of those things? Nice knowing you, Fucko!
Has your car done a wicked flip off a cliff into the ocean? DON'T PANIC! Simply take your glass breaker out of your glove department. Don't have one? Why were you operating a vehicle without a glass breaker? You've doomed yourself. DOOMED! Trying kicking out the windows? Doesn't work? Maybe because you're a weak little baby. Try moving to the rear of the vehicle where there's a pocket of air. That'll give you more time to regret not packing a glass breaker.
Did you just have unprotected sex/protected sex/kiss a girl/sit on a public toilet seat/give someone directions? You have AIDS, and you're going to die.
Did you just smoke a joint for the first time? You're going to die with a needle in your arm.
I remember the single worst piece of advice I was ever given during my childhood came from school, in Grade 1, when the teacher showed us a slide-show about some vegetable-kids. The advice was to never run from a serious incident, or else the police will think you're a suspect. That was in Grade 1. So if someone were to burst in though that door at that second and start shooting up the place, I shouldn't run, or at the very least I should mosey away, because the cops would think I might be involved somehow.