With the New Year fast approaching, the internet is being littered with 2012 Top Ten Lists. These lists proclaim to recap the year’s events in a numeric format, because readers are considered too lazy to read complete paragraphs. By this point all blogs that still contain text instead of pictures of cats are 99% likely to be lists. You may be wondering at home, or at work, “Hey, how do I make a Top 10 blog?”
Here you go:
10. Bullshit: Make sure your list is complete bullshit. There should be no effort whatsoever to research anything you’re writing about, to go into any depth, or to get a second opinion. It should be about a topic you have little to no experience with, aside from a passing interest. Originality doesn’t count, so just copy someone else’s idea. Something in the news? Make it into a list. Really, just be random. Cats.
9. The Questionable Candidate: Shoehorn something into your list that shouldn’t belong. Remember, you’re trying to flesh out an assignment. Cats.
8. Hate:Your list should be inflammatory as possible. Like I said, research doesn’t matter. Infuriate the reader with your own ignorance. That’s real beauty of a Top Ten List. Every reader upon seeing the title will create their own rankings in their mind and compare it to yours. Your list, therefore, should be as far off the mark as possible. This creates a flame war in the comments section. In interwebs, there is no bad publicity, only clicked links and web traffic. Cats.
7. Boobs. Images of boobs. Preferably, celebrity boobs. I can’t stress that enough. Any mention of celebrities or boobs will auto-generate traffic for your site. Do boobs not factor into your list? What kind of pussy list are you writing? Delete that shit and start over. Also: Cats.
14. Random: To be, “original,” pick a random number for your list. Obviously, you won’t always have ten exact choices for every list. You can shrink it down and stretch it out as needed. Also, I’m pretty sure David Letterman will sue your ass over copyright infringement if you do a Top Ten list. It’s his only shtick besides having wacky eyebrows and banging his employees. Still, no matter what size your list is, always include something that doesn’t belong .Cats.
17: Photos: Include random photos with captions the read like Stan Lee were writing for Maxim. ‘Nuff said! Besides, people hate reading. You’re better off with just a re-posted picture you stole off of Google.
5: ???: There is no number 5. Seriously, halfway through whatever your writing just give up and go on a tangent. Put two topics into one listing. Go off topic. I don’t care. Cats.
4: Failure: A failed attempt at humour. Nobody cares about 4th place. No one. There’s no medal for 4th place because they can’t find a metal cheap enough to reward your lack of accomplishment. Anything can be 4th. 10th is always for the least-likeable choice. 4th is for something people recognize for participating and still failing.
3: The Real #1: You’re getting pretty close to #1, so you have to think pretty hard about what you want here. You should include something controversial in this slot so people will be all like, WTF? Why wasn’t this #1? Include an explanation as to your decision that sounds like complete bullshit because it is. Remember: this isn’t an official ranking, it’s just bullshit. Piss people off.
2: Runner-Up: People recognize #2 instantly. Out of everything in the list, #2 is the closest to what the person would expect in the actual ranking. It almost makes up for your complete lack of accuracy for the rest of the post.
1. Toss-up: #1 is either the most obvious choice, or a joke choice. People will either nod their heads or agreement, or recoil from a slap in the face. Remember, #1 is there by your choice. This is your time to tell the reader that they wasted three minutes of their lives with your poor choices.
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