Wii See U

My step-son got a Wii U for Christmas, so I had to spend the next two hours setting it up for him. Plugging it all in was a fairly simple process. I was surprised to find that the tablet section of the console has it’s own power cord. To date, only one person, a toddler, has tripped over it. I was also expecting to be able to pick up the tablet and go into other rooms with it. I think I got into the hall before it started complaining that it couldn’t connect with the Wii U.

During the set-up, it asked me to provide an e-mail and confirm it about three times, asking me to repeat my e-mail twice each time. This confused me, as the Wii U account is locked in to the console and not your e-mail at this time. I also tried to import a pair of Wii codes I never used but got for free from Club Nintendo, and the system told me they were no in-use at the moment. That confused me more. Does that mean I’ll be able to use them in the future, or not at all? Plus, I had to enter my credit card information and get debited 50 cents, which was then refunded, even though I don’t want to use my credit card to make purchases in their online store. I have two kids wailing away at buttons with no conception of what they do, so it’s pretty easy for me to get charged for products at random on the 360, depending on how up-to-date my points and credit information are.

The overall immediate impression is that the Wii U is a tablet you can play on your TV, if you so choose. You have to play in front of the TV no matter what, so you’re still chained that way. Watching my stepson play the Wii U version of Super Mario, I saw him play exclusively while looking at the tablet, complaining it was too difficult to watch the TV screen, although the same image was being broadcast simultaneously. Since there was only the tablet controller in the box, I had to sit and watch him play the big screen, unable to play. I tried explaining to several people that up to four people could play simultaneously, but of course you need to have more controllers. Not the tablet controller, either, you need the old nunchucks. So you can’t just take your tablet controller and use it at your friend’s house, or get more tablets. This means, that at any point, only one person will have the “good” controller, causing wars to needlessly erupt.

The main-page on the TV screen for your menu is a snapshot of the top games and apps being used online, with drawings and comments. It’s basically like a mini-facebook if you had no filters or choice in “friending” people. You could have no interest, or have, any of the games being shown, but it’s still there. The screen itself is pointless and non-functioning unless you switch it to your tablet.

I still “get” the Wii U. The games still play like a mix of regular console games and DS games. It’s obvious why they made it the way they did: to discourage illegal downloads. All the motion controllers and touch screens are just their way of ensuring you can’t download their games and play them on a computer. People still go to ridiculous lengths to counterfeit their games, but they usually involve buying extra accessories on the black market. It’s still a better method at fighting piracy than DRM and “always on,” management like EA or Ubisoft.

Skyrim: Reborn

In a rare occurrence, a glitch in Skyrim resolved itself. I’m not certain if it was the result of an update, but while trying to clear out my miscellaneous quests I tried once more to hand in, “The Helm of Winterhold.” Previously this had been hampered by the Eternal Mourning glitch, and made impossible by the fact I had chosen to support the Empire in the war and had the jarl issuing the quest disposed. The location on the map led me to the former Jarl Korir on several occasions, but he was found to be wandering aimlessly South of Windhelm. He refused to acknowledge the quest before, making it impossible to finish. Then, on this occasion, I was able to finish it properly, even though he was out by a road at night, where he had no right to be. I immediately swiped the helmet back from him when he wasn’t looking. I’d been holding onto it for over a hundred hours, unable to remove it from my inventory, and I’d grown quite attached to it. I’d even upgraded it. I decided to give it to Lydia to wear, but in the meantime, I found I was able to continue past the Eternal Mourning glitch, now that the issue of the helmet had been resolved.

Upon entering Jorrvaskr I was immediately greeted by a pop-up dialogue telling me about the next branch of the quest. My companion immediately left me and was replaced by Vilkas and I went off to retrieve the last piece of the axe. Everything proceeded as normally from there, with one exception: I wasn’t a werewolf. I’d switched to vampire and back again a dozen times, but I was no longer werewolf like the rest of the Circle. Thus, when I finished my quest, I didn’t have to contend with offering up a head to the flames to free myself from the curse.

This was a huge boon, as previously my character had been stuck, unable to finish the questline. I had to start a whole new character and play through just to get the achievement. Months and months had passed and I’d given up any and all hope. If it wasn’t for Dawnguard, I’d still be a werewolf as well.

Top Ten Ways to Write a Top Ten List

With the New Year fast approaching, the internet is being littered with 2012 Top Ten Lists. These lists proclaim to recap the year’s events in a numeric format, because readers are considered too lazy to read complete paragraphs. By this point all blogs that still contain text instead of pictures of cats are 99% likely to be lists. You may be wondering at home, or at work, “Hey, how do I make a Top 10 blog?”
Here you go:
10. Bullshit: Make sure your list is complete bullshit. There should be no effort whatsoever to research anything you’re writing about, to go into any depth, or to get a second opinion. It should be about a topic you have little to no experience with, aside from a passing interest. Originality doesn’t count, so just copy someone else’s idea. Something in the news? Make it into a list. Really, just be random. Cats.
9. The Questionable Candidate: Shoehorn something into your list that shouldn’t belong. Remember, you’re trying to flesh out an assignment. Cats.
8. Hate:Your list should be inflammatory as possible. Like I said, research doesn’t matter. Infuriate the reader with your own ignorance. That’s real beauty of a Top Ten List. Every reader upon seeing the title will create their own rankings in their mind and compare it to yours. Your  list, therefore, should be as far off the mark as possible. This creates a flame war in the comments section. In interwebs, there is no bad publicity, only clicked links and web traffic. Cats.
7. Boobs. Images of boobs. Preferably, celebrity boobs. I can’t stress that enough. Any mention of celebrities or boobs will auto-generate traffic for your site. Do boobs not factor into your list? What kind of pussy list are you writing? Delete that shit and start over. Also: Cats.
14. Random: To be, “original,” pick a random number for your list. Obviously, you won’t always have ten exact choices for every list. You can shrink it down and stretch it out as needed. Also, I’m pretty sure David Letterman will sue your ass over copyright infringement if you do a Top Ten list. It’s his only shtick besides having wacky eyebrows and banging his employees. Still, no matter what size your list is, always include something that doesn’t belong .Cats.
17: Photos: Include random photos with captions the read like Stan Lee were writing for Maxim. ‘Nuff said! Besides, people hate reading. You’re better off with just a re-posted picture you stole off of Google.

 
5: ???: There is no number 5. Seriously, halfway through whatever your writing just give up and go on a tangent. Put two topics into one listing. Go off topic. I don’t care. Cats.
4: Failure: A failed attempt at humour. Nobody cares about 4th place. No one. There’s no medal for 4th place because they can’t find a metal cheap enough to reward your lack of accomplishment. Anything can be 4th. 10th is always for the least-likeable choice. 4th is for something people recognize for participating and still failing.
3: The Real #1: You’re getting pretty close to #1, so you have to think pretty hard about what you want here. You should include something controversial in this slot so people will be all like, WTF? Why wasn’t this #1? Include an explanation as to your decision that sounds like complete bullshit because it is. Remember: this isn’t an official ranking, it’s just bullshit. Piss people off.
2: Runner-Up: People recognize #2 instantly. Out of everything in the list, #2 is the closest to what the person would expect in the actual ranking. It almost makes up for your complete lack of accuracy for the rest of the post.
1. Toss-up: #1 is either the most obvious choice, or a joke choice. People will either nod their heads or agreement, or recoil from a slap in the face. Remember, #1 is there by your choice. This is your time to tell the reader that they wasted three minutes of their lives with your poor choices.

Skyrim: Dragon. It’s a Crash, Crash, Crash

I finished off the main bits of the Skyrim: Dragonborn expansion. By far, the biggest glitch comes during the last battle with Miirak. If you hit him too hard, he’ll straight-up become invincible and untouchable, and neither will he attack you. You spend the entire time circling each other, not able to interact. I tried using a variety of Shouts to try and fuck him out of his invincibility spell, but nothing worked besides resetting. Reading up online, a lot of other people seem to be having the same problem.

I’ve hard-locked my 360 a few times while playing. Now that I’m able to use Dead Thrall and summon two undead to my side, I’m melting the game. I don’t even know what to do with half these dead bodies. I leave them in my houses most of the time. Villagers become disturbed when you show up with a zombie on their doorstep, but leaving a dead body in the street doesn’t affect them much. I tossed one named NPC called Soren down a fiery pit as a sacrifice for one quest. I didn’t feel too bad as he was dead when I found him. There was a non-quest related boss fight with Horker named Lord Tusk related to his dead-ass. It seemed better than leaving his body and a wave-swept rocks. At first I thought I was suppose to sacrifice one of my companions, or the quest giver, but they wouldn’t stand on the grate. I think the key is having to Shout a dead Drugur onto the plate, but my Dead Thrall worked fine.

Strangely, after killing her father, Freda was fine with following me around again, as long as I killed Miirak, who wasn’t really responsible. I basically teamed up with her dad’s killer, and she knows it. She’s freaky.

Skyrim: Dragonborn Glitches Again

After resolving a quest where I had to find a blacksmithing formula for Delvin’s brother, which happened to be on a dead body inside a goblin-filled cave, I was given a key to his basement, which on the outset does not seem like a good reward. That’s like telling someone, “Good job! Now go down into my cellar so I can rape you… erh… ice cream!” There was some loot, of course, and a note saying he basically killed Sapphire's family. Sapphire has always been my favourite NPC in the Thieves Guild, mainly because she starts out seeming to be this brutal thug who will murder over money, but it turns out you can reason with her and she’s approachable and friendly, and she has a legitimate troubled past she’s trying to come back from. When you ask her the story behind her name, she promises to tell you some day, but never does. In her pocket, though, are two sapphires.

When I went inside Delvin’s brother’s house, however, the walls were missing. In there place was a blank bluey-green colour. I didn’t try to pass through them, as I was worried I would glitch out and freeze the game. I’ve only hard-frozen once so far in Dragonborn after exiting a tower.

The black-elf wizard friend of yours in the game has a servant you’re suppose to go hunting for. She turns up dead, and naked, for some reason, probably at the hands of the ash spawn. When I went back a second time to see if I could rez her as my Dead Thrall (I didn’t have enough magic), I found a pile of ash ash hoppers and ash spawn ash piles around her, like something bazonkers had happened and she had magically come back to life to have an epic battle before falling dead back in the same spot.

The game seems to have multiple open-ended points in a lot of the quests. For instance, there’s one where you can clear out a mead hall then help the leader get her cred back. Or you can tell everyone she’s a liar. Then there’s the leader of the Skrall. Your actions seemingly will result in his death, but there’s a feel as though if you do something different he’ll pull through. Also, his Daughter Freda is your potential follower up until the last leg of the quest before his death takes place. Then she’ll return to the village. I had to hire some whiny bug-armour guy in the tavern to take her place. I was also hoping for more companion choices. Freda, by far was the leader next to Serena and the perenial favourite, Lydia. I’m hoping by finishing the next quest I can bring her back into the fold, but I’m assuming getting her dad killed and leaving the village defenceless is not a plus in her book. Logically, she probably doesn’t want anything else to do with me.

The rest of the island seems very civil towards me. That’s the one thing that was weird about the rest of the game. I straight-up killed Aludin and saved everyone’s asses, and I’m pretty much a nobody, except for the few people who outright hate me for my role in the war. I also never hear any mention of my good deeds. Everyone thanks me for my very small role in bringing the mine back to life. They’re super-polite. Almost Canadian.

Skyrim Glitches: Bedknobs and Broomstick and Elevators and Mushrooms

I have to say I’m digging the new expansion for Skyrim. It has more of an adventure game feel to it than the rest of the game has. There’s more hidden rooms, puzzles and challenges per dungeon. I went into one tower that was practically 70% booby-traps and 30% invisible ninja assassins. That’s just the overworld quest part of the game. The story part takes on a whole new dimension, literally. Opening books will teleport you into a ghostly library made out of stacks of books and loose papers. Tentacles will reach out of the poisonous waters below to try and swat at you while, “Specters,” some odd half-ghost, half-crablike-tentacle things will try and blast you out of the dimension altogether after appearing out of thin air. Plus they summon more Spectres to fight for them. Finishing the book level will grant you one of three new powers. By far, the most useful ability I’ve see is the power that makes your Companions immune to your attacks. How many times have you killed one of you wardogs, of Lydia with a stray power, then had to make a choice between going on or reseting? I’m surprised it took this long to include the power in the game.

There’s a part in the expansion where you come across a mini-mage guild, housed inside giant mushrooms, because mushrooms and video games go together like PB and J. Inside the tallest mushroom, there’s a glowing shaft of wind spiralling upwards to the top. Interacting with this will float you up like you were in Futurama’s tubes. Getting back down is the hard part. Jumping will kill you, and you can land on top of your Comapnion’s or other NPC’s head. The wizard who owns the place will beckon you to follow him. He’ll jump down the elevator, then, after you float down after him, he’ll float back up. When you float back up, he’ll start the animation for opening a door at the top of the elevator, despite the fact the door is at the bottom, and disappear. Somehow, while not paying attention, I died two times trying to follow him through this simple step.

I got into another kerfuffle while trying to free slaves from another pillar. This time, I accidentally struck a Reaver, which is actually an enemy NPC. I got a 40 gold bounty on my head for that, for hitting a criminal. I decided to reset, just because. It was weird too, because there were about five or so Reavers standing around. I expected them to attack me after I free them, because that’s what they’re programmed to do. Instead, they just sort of gawk around then wander off to where ever they came from.

I was a vampire before starting the expansion and found it too difficult, as a majority of the quests involve walking across the map and exploring. I kept losing health, magic and stamina and not being able to regain it, so I opted for changing back to mortal. I met Delvin from the Thief’s Guild’s brother, the blacksmith, who had a less than impressive story for living on the island. I noticed, however, that his eyes seemed to glow in the light of his forge. Could he be a vampire/thief/blacksmith? That’s an impressive resume.

The expansion also gives you a quest to obtain a new home, pre-furnished. You don’t have to dick around with spending money on the house or decorating, which was kind of nice.

Skyrim: Mo’ Dragonborn, Mo’ Problems

Prior to the Dragonborn vs. Dragonborn deathmatch build-up in the expansion pack, “Dragonborn,” for Skyrim, the player is asked to go around Soltheim and release mind controlled workers from their labours by shouting at a pillar. Like literally shouting at a pillar. Other games may ask you to push a button on a panel, or physically hit it, but this isn’t other games. Shouting at the inanimate pillar causes a localized earthquake and inexplicable yellow burst effects. Then a Lovecraftian beast called a Lurker emerges from a portal and starts attacking you with roots or tendrils, which shoot up from the ground when it stomps it’s feet.

Problem is, the half-dozen or so mind-slaves who were obliviously building a shrine around the pillar snap-to at that exact moment, and freak the fuck out. They run in and try to fight the Lurker with their bare fists. If you’re going to punch the Lurker, you’re going to have a bad time. This happens usually as you’re in mid-swing of your all-powerful magic sword. Some fucker will show up between you and the mini-Cthulu to try and box it.

If you’re lucky, you can kill the Lurker without majorly injuring everyone else. About 3/4 of your spells and such are AoE, so good luck with that. After getting through one Lurker battle, I noticed another commotion. A second Lurker had emerged from the water by the shore as I was fighting. As I’m level 64, fights don’t last that long. I have no fucking clue what happened, but I rushed the Lurker and struck it down. Then I noticed city guards were attacking me, so I sheathed my weapon, but they went on attacking. My Daemora Lord might have had something to do with that. He slaughtered one of the guards and I decided to finish off another. After that, things went back to normal. I tried looking around to figure out what went wrong, and saw an innocent bystander lying dead on the ground. I, of course, robbed them. It looked as though the damage could have been much worse if it wasn’t for the fact the other people involved were active quest givers, and therefore invincible. I shrugged, thinking there was nothing I could do, and went back to town.

That’s when the entire town tried to attack me. As one. Every guard in the city descended on me, showing no signs of mercy. My choices were to let them kill me or kill them all, rendering me forever outlawed. I had to reset, because I didn’t feel like that bullshit. There’s a reason Skyrim saves every five minutes or so.

Skyrim Glitches: Dragonborn Edition

“Dragonborn” is an appropriate, yet odd choice for an add-on title for Skyrim, as I’ve been playing as the proverbial Dragonborn for over 64 levels of mayhem. It’s not like I’m just finding out the secret of the Dragonborn is. The game explicitly explains what the Dragonborn is and what the Dragonborn’s destiny should be, and lets you live that out. Now, it’s telling you there’s another Dragonborn, with a knife to the face.

Your quest begins as two cultists confront you, the Dragonborn, and insist that you are an impostor. You correct them of their assumptions by Shouting them to dust. I was accompanied by Serenna for this first step of the journey, and she promptly zombified one of the cultists, and I had to wait for her spell to wear off so I could investigate the dead body. In the meantime, I tried to figure out where the hell my adoptive daughter has gone to. Lydia should have been watching over her in Breezehome, but I found Lydia sitting in my bedroom staring at my empty bed, perhaps with longing, perhaps with regret. My daughter’s room was empty, but her bed was owned. Where could she be? Moon River.

I forgot about that and set sail for a the ash-strewn island of Soltheim, where every occupant knows the name of the man I seek, but none can recall why. Everyone give me the same clue, to look for the temple. I find it, but not before a mishap. I encounter a madman who talks about fingers not being long enough, a tower, and a black book. Then he attacks me. I follow his description of a tower and approach the nearest tower. There’s no obvious way in, so I try leaping over some rocks. I immediately become trapped, stuck between two rocks. This is roughly the fourteenth time I’ve become stuck on the map, unable to move out of a small recession in the terrain. My avatar does not have the ability to climb out of a foot-deep pit. I had to reset.

The first quest I found on Soltheim was ironically identical to the fist quest I ever finished in Whiterun. I offered to clear out the tombs beneath the temple of the restless dead. You’d think that cremating the dead would prevent them from coming back as zombies, but I had no such luck.

I find it peculiar that in both cases, a priest was content to sleep inches away from a zombie filled tomb, with only a locked door separating him from certain, gruesome death, and that he had not enlisted the air of the numerous guards around the city as soon as he discovered what was going on. If I hadn’t come along, he’d still be there, hoping that the situation would resolve itself. The people of Skyrim and the surrounding provinces have the common sense and problem solving skills of lemmings in a Disney nature movie.

Seriously, though, the zombie to living ration in Skyrim is higher than The Walking Dead. Plus, The Walking Dead survivors don’t have to worry about their bone-dry ancient ancestors rising from their graves, armed to the teeth with swords, shields and bows. When you think about how necromancy is universally reviled in their culture, and how useful a skill it is to turn an enemy zombie into your ally, you’d wonder at their logic too. It’d be like outlawing dentistry because of all your rotten teeth.

I found the dungeons beneath Soltheim identical to the dungeons of Skyrim, which is disappointing as I expect to spend the next thirty hours exploring the same shade of walled room as I’ve been exploring for the last hundred or so hours.