Deep Sith

I was watching the new episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV series where Darth Maul makes his reappearance and though none of what I was seeing made any sense, and yet it all made perfect sense in the context of the Star Wars universe. First off: Darth Maul died at the end of the Phantom Menace. He was bisected and left to fall into a deep pit that had no practical reason for being there, but is contractually obligated to be in every Star Wars movie. That hasn’t proved a hindrance for any other character in Star Wars. Arms and hands are cut off in practically every scene with little to no fatalities involved. Had the movies progressed chronologically in theatres, the series should have ended with the climax in Episode Three when Anakin has his legs and arm cut off and he burns to a crisp on a bed of hot magma. Instead, he gets the Six Million Dollar Man treatment and becomes Darth Vader, as opposed to Darth Skywalker, which would have made more sense. General Grievous, whose origins are never dealt with in the movies, is basically a lump of assorted organs in a robot body. My point is: pretty much any injury is survivable in the Star Wars universe, so have some hope for Bobba Fett.

When we find Darth Maul, he’s half-man, half-robot, half-spider. He’s Manrobospider, which is awesome. Why is he half-a-robot-spider when there’s clearly an abundance of human-shaped robot parts in Star Wars? That’s the question a Commie might ask, Ivan. The C.I.A. will be in touch with you soon. As ridiculously awesome as that is, he gets human-robot-legs almost immediately when the show decides that magic is real. They don’t simply build him robot legs, they magic-them-up out of some junk lying around. Possibly the Force was involved, but if the Force can build you robot legs out of nothing in three minutes flat, why couldn’t it just make you real-live legs as easily? Again, these are question for Communists.

Of course, Darth Maul is hell-bent on revenge against Obi Wan, which is odd because I don’t think the two were ever formally introduced aside from having a light sabre battle. The two have never exchanged words. So how does he know Obi Wan’s name, especially since he’s had amnesia for 10+ years? Commie question. His quest for revenge sets the stage for the darkest scenes in all the Star War movies combined, in what’s designed to be a cartoon show for eight-year-olds. He kills a bunch of innocent people on a remote planet and challenges Obi Wan to go after him. Obi Wan wants to go it alone, and Samuel L. Mother-Fuckin’ Jackson explains to him how that’s a retarded idea. Yoda tells Obi Wan to go for it, because Yoda is full of terrible advice. Yoda senses something in the Force telling him he’ll have one other person for back-up, which is very unspecific and not helpful at all. Also: last time two Jedi took on Darth Maul and one Jedi walked away, so two isn’t the minimum number of people you’d want going into that fight. It turns out as well as you’d expect given the circumstances, and Obi has his ass beaten like a pinata.

Also: Darth Maul had more dialogue in these episodes than his movie, where he played the lead non-shadowy figure bad-guy. Everything the audience knows about Darth Maul going into this show is that he has bitchin’ horns and natural war-paint, and he like his light sabres like his dildos: double-ended.