It’s Sunday here in Abbotsford and two things are happening. One: It’s the Super bowl. Two: The 2010 Winter Olympic Torch Relay is coming through town. Which one do you choose? Considering how I can’t afford an $80,000 ticket for the Men’s Finals in Hockey, I chose the Torch Relay. Everything involving the Olympics has been priced specifically to keep Joe Average from attending, so seeing some random shlub run by carrying an oddly shaped torch is the best you’re ever going to get.
I went with my fiancée and stood out in the rain in the mall parking lot. All times given for the Torch relay are approximate, so I got there just as the torch should have reached the beginning of the main street through town. There were a few tents set up and people giving away free souvenirs and hot chocolate and cookies. A live band was playing covers. They did a Beastie Boys cover and changed, “porno mag,” to, “girlie mag.” Same dif. We dicked around for a little while and then went to stand on the curb like common prostitutes.
Hawkey the Hawk, mascot for the local hocking team, the Heat, was in attendance, walking up and down the middle of the road, turning tricks for free. Yes, he’s a hockey mascot, and his name is Hawkey.
…
He was at my store once, promoting his team. I had to lug pallets around, and as I was busy, I happened to look up, and he was hanging off the back of the pallet, staring me down with his giant pantomime hawk head. Stuff like that will mess you up. My first instinct was to deck him in his hawk nose, but that’s like Vanilla Ice telling Ed the Sock about his bout of suicidal depression. He’s just a puppet.
An Olympic van went down the street, forty minutes before the torch arrived, so it’s like the biggest tease ever.
When the torch did arrive, everyone ran out into the middle of the street. Let me explain: It’s a five lane road, with plenty of room for everyone wanting to watch from the sidewalk. That wasn’t good enough for some people. They decided to go out into the middle of the road, block any view for people at the side. So of course, everyone went out. I love riot mentality like that. I love the fact that one asshole can have a bad idea, and everyone will go along with it like lemmings, and there’s shit anyone else can do at that point about it. Cops riding by told people to stay off the street. Not one person listen. Not one.
There was a huge police presence. I think I saw about ten cop cars, at a bare minimum. I have no idea what their role was. Were they expecting a terrorist attack? Worst case scenario: someone throws water on the torch. Does it take ten cop cars to resolve that? Not even in Alabama.
A van carrying Olympic-type people (who the fuck are these people?) went by, escorted by two cop cars. I was confused for a few minutes. Was the Olympic torch inside? Were they holding it out the window on the opposite side of the van? WTF?
Then about five more cop cars went by, and the three Coca-Cola trucks, in case you didn’t know that Coke was sponsoring the Games. You think the 40 million bottles of Coke with the Olympic logo on them were enough of a clue, but no. (Fun Fact: Coke isn’t healthy for you, and you shouldn’t drink it if you’re training for the Olympics. Also: an ice-cold coke is a poor choice of beverage when you’re outside in freezing temperatures, participating in the Winter Olympics.) There was one dude with a sack handing out glowing Coke bottles to kids. I wanted one. I nearly tackled him to get one. I didn’t get one.
There was also an RBC truck with some kinda black-dude D.J. on it and cold dancing people. It added a
When the torch eventually came by (and it took a long-ass time), I had no clue who this person was, or why I would care to see them. For about a year, I’ve been watching commercials offering people a chance to carry the Olympic Torch. Over 12,000 people have carried the torch. How many of them are above the barest minimum of celebrity status? How many of them matter? Probably about ten.
Oh well, I saw it. I can’t unsee it.
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