Goddamn Hippies

Okay: you watched that. You can’t un-watch it. So what have we learned from watching his piece of hippie bullshit?
1: Bears are the greatest threat to our nation. Much like Al-Queda, bears are planning to launch themselves against our skyscrapers in a coordinated suicide attack.
2: Global warming is rapidly destroying the polar bear’s natural habitat, namely Coca-Cola bottling plants, forcing them to find work as stuntbears.
3: If you’ve ever taken a plane anywhere, ever, you’re a terrible person and you deserve to die.
4: If Global Warming continues, the Polar Ice Caps won’t just melt: THEY’LL EXPLODE! The force will send polar bears plummeting through the sky thousands of miles away without killing them until they hit the ground. That’s how fucking scary Global Warming is. You’ll be eating your cereal one day, and a fucking polar bear will fall through the roof into your breakfast nook, all because you didn’t recycle that plastic bag.
5: The polar bear in Lost got there by falling.
6: Always put on your parachute before jumping out of a plane.
Honestly: what was the logic behind this commercial? How did the meeting for this go?
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“People just aren’t overreacting enough to Global Warming. We need an overpriced commercial to scare them into thinking what we believe.”
“I know, we’ll have a commercial where we kill babies!”
“No, babies are too cute, but I like the killing part.”
“What about old people?”
“Not cute enough.”
“Kittens?”
“No! Bigger, people, we need to think bigger!”
“…Bears?”
“Wrong! We’ll use POLAR bears!”
“Brilliant!”
“Now how are we going to kill them?”
“We’ll put them in concentration camps, like my Great Aunt!”
“No, it has to be related to the environment somehow, but in the most vague and obscure sense possible.”
“Let’s have the bears fly planes into buildings like 9/11!”
“Too soon. We’re saving that for Sarah Palin’s 2012 Presidential Campaign.”
“What if we just drop them out of the planes, then?”
“Perfect. We’ll say it’s because the airline industry is polluting too much, and we’ll keep saying it until they give us money. BWA-HA-HA!”

Who did the math for this one anyway? What kind of a Rainman can make the instant connection between emission from an airplane and the weight of an animal? My carbon footprints as big as a polar bear when I take a plane. GOOD! It’ll give the bear someone new to play with.

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