Avatard

So last night I saw Avatar in Real 3-D.

“Real 3-D” to me means going to a live performance like Cats, as is my wont. Ironically, it probably would have cost the same to put on a live stage production of this movie in every North American movie theatre simultaneously as it did to film it. Rumours put the budget at around half-a-billion dollars.
So what does half-a-billion dollars and ten years of production get you in terms of a movie? Everything’s been pretty much visually perfected. You’re looking at these blue cat people, (who are all a metaphor for indigenous people abroad so they look blackish), flying around on some fucked-up pterodactyls and they look pretty damn real. You can’t fault the movie for it’s visuals, even if everything in their world glows like they’re in a gay nightclub.
But here’s what I thought was fucked up:
I was ready to stop the movie about seven minutes in when they reveal the “avatar” they’d been growing to use as a spy growing in it’s tank. It had a perfectly braided ponytail. The avatar hadn’t even been born yet, and already it had a hairstyle. What, did someone go into the tank with a scuba suit and braid this guy’s hair?
Then I found out what the ponytail was for. The blue cat people aren’t big on pants, and they don’t have much to swing down there aside from their tails, if you know what I mean, but their ponytails are like this USB cable. They pull back then ends of their braid and they have these urchin looking feelers that pop out, and they use this to plug into random objects in the forest, like trees and horses. For some reason, for them to be able to ride a six-legged horse like Odin, they have to stick their hair into the horse’s Fu-Manchu thing. Saddles are a faux-paus.
Like I said, they don’t have any kind of noticeable wangs happening, so I’m think their hair does double-duty as their ding-dong. Which means: they're straight up fucking these animals. With their hair.
There’s also a scene where the avatar dude gets hoisted up by his ponytail and smacked around, so it’s like he’s getting yanked around by his dick. Which would explain his screaming.
There’s sex in avatar, of the most awkward variety. I don’t think either one of them knew what they were doing, and neither did the audience. My guess was: hair sex foreplay.
So I mentioned they can plug their hair into trees, and the trees have the voices of their ancestors inside of them. You know when natives get all uppity with the white man and try to tell them their ancestors spirits still roam the place? That literally happens in Avatar, and they have scientific proof of it happening, and the evil corporation still doesn’t care.
This movie has more hippie bullshit in it per square inch than the entire 60’s. It’s all about how cutting down trees is bad and blah blah blah. At one point Mother Nature actually attacks the bad guys trying to cut up the trees, but Mother Nature is a hypocritical bitch. The animals she uses to strike back with are these rhino things with hammerhead noses, which they use to knock down trees. These animals probably knock down hundreds a trees a day, and no one gives a shit, but if the humans try to come in and do the same they’re evil and must be stopped.
There’s also an incredible amount of alien side-boob action going on in the movie, even if it is of the itty-bitty variety.

All the aliens are anorexic as shit. They have these incredible detailed and individual faces, but their bodies are all the same. Kate Moss would tell these bitches to eat a sandwich.
Plus, these caring, sensitive native aliens are racist as fuck. The whole reason there’s avatar clones is so they can get natives to accept them. This is the equivalent of putting on blackface. The thing is: it doesn’t even work. The natives know right away they’re impostors, but they still have to use the avatars because they’ll kill the humans on sight. So avatar clone: good. Human: bad.
Now: the whole plot of this movie is that the evil corporation wants to mine the shit out of the blue alien’s home, which is this giant tree. So they send in all these human controlled blue alien clones to negotiate with them and try to get them to move the fuck out. Only, that doesn’t work, so they decide to just bomb the hell out of the tree. So the main character ends up spying for them. To summarise: they’ve invested billions of dollar in surveillance equipment so they can have they 3-D graphical charts, and then they spend millions more to build an avatar clone body just to infiltrate the native group, and the best plan they can come up with is, “Blow up the tree.” A fucking tree.
Even though it’s the future, military strategy is exactly the same. “Bomb the hell out of them.” Their Endgame strategy is to take two pallets of explosives and drop them on their most sacred religious site. When it comes to dropping them: they have to push them out the back of their plane. PUSH THEM. Plus they leave the hangar door open long before they need it open, so the aliens can just swoop in easy as you please.
The bad guy in this movie is way too obsessed with killing blue guys. Even when things are taken past their natural conclusion, he decides to keep going for it. He brings a lot of bad-assery to the movie, though. There’s this one door in the movie that’s like the kind you would see on a submarine, and he just kicks it open like it’s paper-mache. Later, he’s on fire for no less than three minutes and just doesn’t care.
Another thing: Sigourney Weaver and Michelle Rodriguez are two type-cast bitches. This is Sigourney’s sixth or eighth alien movie, and Michelle is the bitch with the gun in every movie.
If Titanic and now Avatar can prove anything, it’s that James Cameron has become the Michael Bay of people falling to their deaths. There’s a lot of falling going on. It’s like half the movie.
All in all, two thumbs up… my butt.