Jacko Deado!

So Michael Jackson is dead, but as we know from his Thriller video, death is not always the end. M.J. died of cardiac arrest, but I think everyone was expecting him to go out more extravagantly. After all: this was a man who survived being set on fire and endured numerous elected surgeries. I always thought he might be mauled to death by a vengeful Bubbles, or a traumatized Macaully Culkin. Maybe he’d choke on a diamond encrusted glove, or fall out a window as he was dangling his baby. These are more suiting ends for the world’s most famous acquitted child molester.
It would have been better if he had gone down years ago, after the bizarre rumours of his lifestyle first started surfacing. Honestly, he hasn’t accomplished that much since the 80’s. HIStory is better left forgotten, and his singing about being, “black or white,” is probably the most ironic song since Allanis Moirrsette’s, “Ironic.”
He was supposed to do a huge performance in London, where molesting children is still considered okay. Maybe Latoya can fill in for him. I secretly think they’re the same person anyway. Will his family even show up to his funeral? I don’t think he even talked to them after that video he did with Janet. If they do come, it’ll be the first time we’ll see Tito since 1985. Tito: the NORMAL Jackson.
Other things to be thankful for:
1: We don’t have to worry about him molesting our children anymore.
2: We can look forward to post-mortem albums and P-Diddy tributes.
3: They might turn Neverland into a new Graceland.
4: NEVER CONVICTED: So you never know: maybe he didn’t. The eternal debate will continue.
5: His kids can stop wearing Eyes Wide Shut masks in public.
6: We’ve never seen his genitalia.
7: Awesome M.J. auctions to pay off his debts.
8: Tell-all books that tell-all.
9: We don’t have to worry about him throwing his kids out the window anymore.
10: He couldn’t get any whiter anyway.
In other news: crazy-bitch Farrah Fawcett is dead too. This comes a few weeks after David Carradine kicked the bucket: and by kick the bucket I mean: auto-erotic aphyxiated himself. Which can only mean someone’s picking off celebrities who’ve lost all relevance decades ago.

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