Glee Vs. Jonathan Coulton

The internet is getting pissy about Glee ripping off Jonathan Coulton, who himself ripped off Sir Mix-A-Lot. I personally heard slowed-down cover by Richard Cheese that was essentially the same thing. Hell, Ross singing, “Baby Got Back,” on Friends was a lot similar. Basically, the internet is upset that Glee ripped of the last guy in line to rip off Sir Mix-A-Lot. This is one of those cases where the internet doesn’t know what to be mad at, so they’ll be mad at the most girly thing in the non-feud, which is Glee.

You’re Doing it Wrang

I had some serious debate with myself on whether or not to spell it, “Your,” in the title of this blog, but I thought that people wouldn’t get the joke. Quite frankly, I’m concerned some people might not get the, “Wrang,” part either. I have little faith in humanity.

I was thinking about how we talk to babies and teach them. For instance, we call puppies and kittens, “puppy,” and, “kitty.” Then we go off our rockers and add a, “Y,” or, “ie,” to every other conceivable word.

Horse becomes, “Horsey.”

Bird becomes, “Birdie.”

Dog becomes, “Doggie.”

Fish becomes, “Fishy.”

The list goes on, especially where animals are concerned. We’re adding a syllable to every other word. Doesn’t that get confusing to babies? That they’re expected to learn something and then later drop the syllable for the correct word when they’re older? We’re making words longer, and adding a strange moniker, like the Japanese do with, “-san.”

Still, try talking to a baby without saying words that way. It can’t be done, unless you’re one of those disapproving and distant fathers from the 50’s sitting in his study with a glass full of Scotch. It’s like trying to tell a kid there’s no Santa.

On the subject of Santa, what’s up with that? We tell kids there’s a Santa, then we tell them there’s no Santa, when there’s really technically a Santa. If you’re going to be honest with your kids, tell them that Santa’s real, and that he died hundreds of years ago. Then get on a plane and take them to see Santa’s bones, then tell them that those probably aren’t his real bones, since they were stolen and re-distributed across Europe hundreds of years ago.

Cliver Barker Facebook

I’m trying to decide why I chose to follow Clive Barker, horror author and artist, on facebook, since I’m not particularly a fan of his works. I’m aware of them. I’ve seen snippets, and I like them, but I can’t say I’m “into” it all. Then I decided he’s awesome, and everything he does is awesome.

Facebook is a place where conceptions go to die. It’s all your relatives that don’t like you, co-workers you don’t like, and people in high school you don’t remember. The average post on facebook is either a wedding, or a baby, or babies at a wedding. Clive Barker is an openly gay artist riding on the coat-tails of his one accomplishment. Hellraiser was never really a big thing, but it was a thing. I personally can’t even remember is it peaked in the 80’s or the 90’s, but he’s putting up more than one post a day about Hellraiser, like it just happed yesterday.

With success, there’s three kinds of people. There’s people who create their magnum opus early in life, and then everything they do revolves around it for the rest of their lives. Kevin Smith made Clerks, and every day he post something about it. Maybe it’s a picture of him holding up the mix-tape he used to make the soundtracks, or maybe it’s him posting a “fun” fact about Clerks, but it happens every day. Then there’s the come-back kid, like William Shatner, who did one big thing, and keeps coming back to it, but at the same time branches out into other areas. They’re always up to something, but you remember them for one big thing. Then there’s people like James Cameron, who try and hit you as hard as they can with their dicks.

Clive seems like he’s in the first category, but he’s happy with it, and it works. Hellraiser is pretty memorable, and his facebook page shows he’s always working, and he’s artistic and eclectic. In other words, he doesn’t suck.

Are You Ready For Some Griffball?

Griffball is the nearly the fifth greatest fictitious futuristic sporting event. If I had to pick ‘em, the list would go like this:

1: Blitzball from Final Fantasy X

2: Deathrace 2000

3: A tie between the Running Man and The Hunger Games

4: Rollerball

4: Griffball

Griffball in the Halo franchise should be called, “Griefball,” because all you do is Grief your opponents and fellow players. Griffball is the only matchmaking game where it’s conceivably possible for the average player to score a 10 multi-kill, with only four opponents. In other games, they don’t spawn fast enough, or close enough to rank that up. The rules are very simple: You pick up a ball and drop it into your opponent’s “net” on the ground. Everyone except the ball-carrier has either a gravity hammer, or energy sword. That’s it. Teams of 4 vs. 4. It’s easier to kill your own teammate by mistake, or on purpose in this game than any other math of Halo, because you’re just wildly swinging a gravity hammer around, and you’re all running for the same kill. The un-official “goal” of Griffball is to steal the ball and hang out back by your own net, while your other teammates and you rank up kills in a stalemate match. You’ll want to sneak in behind the other team’s spawn point and repeatedly spawn camp them. If they’re AFK, you’ve struck murder-gold.

Griffball just dropped for ranked matchmaking Halo 4, and it’s actually taken away a lot of the advancements Halo Reach had introduced, like jet-packs and other power-ups. A lot of people wondered why Griffball wasn’t there at launch. If you look at it, though, Griffball is kind of a gimmie when it comes to spectacular kills and ranking-up. Halo 4 is trying to be CoD, with progressive levelling and unlocks. Griffball lets you burn through a lot of the rank-ups, especially in weapons and multikill.

Inside Out

I’m still thinking about the Jodie Foster/John Hinckley Jr. thing.

When you rewind this narrative and look at it from a historical perspective, what would have happened if she had come out of the closet before John Hinckley fired his gun at Ronald Reagan?

Think about gun laws and gun violence in America, especially in the context of recent events. If Hinckley hadn’t tried to kill Regan and subsequently killed James S. Brady, there would have been no Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act. All causes, no matter how noble, need a figurehead. Sometimes, unfortunately, that figurehead needs to be a victim. America has a love affair with it’s guns. Look how adamantly the NRA and other enthusiasts are opposing the possible ban on assault rifles. Even then, suggesting restrictions on selling handguns to prevent people like Hinckley -a deranged and obsessive man with a history of violence- from owning them was vehemently opposed. Arguably, the Bill did what it intended and kept guns away from dangerous people who would otherwise have easier access to them. What if without it, gun violence in America had escalated to level worse than we’re seeing today? Could this Bill have helped stop a tragedy equal to, or greater than what happened with the most recent school shooting? We'll never know, because Jodie Foster kept herself in the closet.

What if she had come out earlier. How would Hinckley have reacted, knowing the object of his twisted affection was a lesbian? What is his reaction today? Would he have turned his gun on himself, or on her, or some other innocent victim? Gays and lesbians often feel like they are risking their own lives if they choose to expose what they are. In this case, the threat was quite real. Hinckley could have killed her.

One difficult choice, with so many different paths. Because of one man, and his illness, her choice could have had consequences we never dreamed of. Brady might still be alive if she had come out, but countless others could have died.

I was checking wikipedia, and it says over 1.9 million firearm purchases were blocked because of the Brady Bill. That’s a gun for every man, woman and child in a major city. Think about how many lives 1.9 million guns could have taken. 1.9 million guns is enough to arm an entire army of soldiers. Don’t believe me? That’s enough guns for every active soldier in North Korea, or India, and yes, even AMERICA. There’s only about 1.4 million soldiers active in the States today, during the twilight of the War in Afghanistan, and Post-Iraq. Over 8,000 people can expect to die of gun violence in America every year. Now imagine how much larger that number would be if every person who least deserves to have a gun have total access to them.

So Jodie Foster isn’t a coward, by any means. She’s unwittingly saved more lives than possibly anyone living in America.

On the Outs

It’s been a few weeks, but I only realized the Jodie Foster coming out speech at the Golden Globes could have had far-reaching historical impact… if it had been made, as she said, “since the stone age.” As you may remember, Jodie Foster, who’s apparently single and ready to mingle as long as you don’t have a dingle, was the object of obsession for John Hinckley Jr. (Sr. must be so proud), because of her role as an under-aged prostitute in Taxi Driver (technically there’s no legally acceptable “age” for a prostitute, but you know what I mean). Because of this, he shot at Actor/President Ronald Regan, who had nothing to do with Jodie Foster, or the movie Taxi Driver. If that makes sense to you, you’re John Hinckley Jr., and you’re in jail, reading this. How re you? Are you doing well? Are they treating you okay? I hope you’re getting the respect an attempted presidential assassin deserves in jail.

As an episode of American Dad pointed out, if Hinckley hadn’t tried to kill Reagan, Regan may have lost the election, turning the country into a Commie Paradise, bread lines and all. What if Jodie Foster had come out as full-blown gay back in the day? Would that have turned Hinckley off enough to stop him from his attempt? The entire course of human history could have been altered, unbeknownst to sexually-repressed and a little lonely Jodie Foster.

I read members of GLAAD were simultaneously applauding Jodie for coming out (kind-of), and snubbing her for not doing it earlier. Imagine what an openly lesbian actress in the early 80’s could have done for the cause? The Pride Parades could be celebrating their 30th anniversaries and…. I don’t know what else.

If anything, Jodie’s possibly America’s greatest hero for NOT coming out of the closet earlier, because of one crazy guy and a gun.

Bieberosity

I’m not necessarily a Bieber-hater. I don’t have the time to do the research into his songs, his twitter feed, and the underlying culture surrounding him to truly, truly hate him and his stupid hair. But I will say something about one of his songs. Ever switch through stations on the radio and hear part of a song, and not realize who’s singing it until you hear the DJ explain after, and then you feel dirty and unclean, right down to your soul? That happened to me and one of Bieber’s songs. That “Beauty and the Beast” one, which goes:

“All I need now to make my life complete/Is a Beauty and a Beast.”

What? What does that even mean? How am I suppose to interpret that? Are you like, way into Beauty and the Beast, the Disney film, and you have to be watching it all the time like a comic book store employees and Star Wars? Do you have it playing on a constant loop in your tour bus? Do you bring groupies, or Selina Gomez, or Selina Gomez groupies onto your bus and force them to watch it with you, your eyes not even focused on the screen as your lips move along with the words?

It’s like you’re complementing a woman on her beauty and saying to need her to be part of your life, but then you also need some really ugly chick too. Maybe there’s two friends, and you’re trying to fuck them both, and this is your way of telling them without really saying which one is the ugly one. It’s up to them to decide through a bitchy catfight who’s the prettiest, while you sit on your custom-built throne and laugh like you’re Geoffrey. Or maybe he’s so jaded at 19-whatever that he has to fuck a pretty girl and fugly girl at the same time just to get to normal/half-hard. It’s like how the golden Persian dude in 300 had topless belly dancers, and some of them had like faces growing out of their faces. Bieber is that Persian dude with all the piercings.

His life is “complete?” Is he going to kill himself? Is this a cry for help? After his frantic, confused mating will he retire to the bathroom, huddle in the shower and smear his face with lipstick while holding a gun to his temple? Does he even realize what effects “completeing” his life at 19-whatever could have on him? All his hopes, dreams and ambition would bleed out of him until he’s nothing but a shell with stupid hair.

Is he a Beast? Has he been cursed by an evil witch? Is that why his hair is so stupid? Is he going to die if the last rose petal falls? Also, why did the witch in Beauty and the Beast turn all the Beast’s servants into candles, cupboards and tea pots? That was a bitch move. Those people didn’t do anything to deserve that sort of punishment. The Beast got off relatively easy. I mean he still has hands and feet. Chip was just a kid, and now he’s a teacup with a chip in it. Did he have that chip to start with? If he shatters, does he die, or does he keeping on living a sham of life, still able to feel the pain of every broken piece, unable to move or even cry out against a cold and uncaring universe? What about that gay French candlestick guy? He has lit candles for hands. That melting wax is the closest thing he has to flesh, and it can detach from his body. What happens if the candles burn out? Is he in constant firey pain? Plus what happens if the Beast actually dies after the last rose petal falls? Do they keep on going, or do they turn into inanimate objects permanently. Fuck…. Maybe that’s why the Beauty fell in love with the Beast, just to release these poor people from their eternal torment.