I Threw it on the Ground

Every time there’s a new “i” device, some yahoos on youtube start making videos of themselves throwing it on the ground. Sometimes it’s to “test” them, other times it’s to test the people lined up to buy the device. Their allegiances are typically quite clear. If it’s an iPad, it’s an Android fan doing it. If it’s a Xbox, it’s a Playstation fanboy doing it. They’re wasting hundreds of dollars for hundreds of thousands of views to their channel. In a way, their investment makes sense.

The result of these videos is difficult to ascertain. It’s not quite comedy, and it’s not quite informative, or scientific. Obviously if you drop something hard enough, you’ll break it.

These people are essentially bullies kicking over sandcastles. In a way, though, it’s poetic. The lifespan of these devices is measures in months at the smallest. Apple comes out with a newer, better, more fashionable product in less than a year. The shelf-life of a computer system is three to five years. In the end, they’re forgotten and discarded. Breaking it out of the box is only expediting the process. The comments are always, “Why would you do this?” or a snarky comment about how the commentator is so cool for owning a rival brand.

The other strange youtube phenomenon is, “Unboxing,” where users take exceptionally long videos of themselves literally unboxing a new product. The experience is pornographic for some, but utterly unnecessary. Every must-have product has countless pictures, videos and descriptions from the horse’s mouth long before it ever makes it to the shelf. Unboxing is only the realization of the hype, even though it shouldn’t be. The unboxer is always dedicated to the product, and their commentary will always be positive. If they weren’t a fan of the product, they’d be doing a, “Will it blend?” video instead. I wondered who these kinds of videos appeal to? Obviously if you’re bursting at the seams with anticipation for a product, you’d be waiting in line like all the other drones to buy it. Why would you sit around at home or at the office watching someone unbox something you could easily go out and buy yourself? Have you ever watched someone open presents at a birthday party or wedding? It’s excruciating. At my sister’s wedding I almost passed out from sheer, maddening boredom watching her and her husband open up toaster ovens and china sets for hours, while family and friends commented on the products. “That’s got three settings!” It’s better to give than to receive, but watching someone else receive is like watching them eat a bowl of cereal. Yes, they’re enjoying it, because they’re suppose to. It’s only interesting if they flip out and throw a fit because they didn’t get what they wanted, like when Eric Cartman didn’t get the Red Megaman.

In a way, these two video themes are like snuff films and porn for boring people.

Inconspicuous as Hell

 

This is my new Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood Ezio Auditore Role-Play Gauntlet, which I fully intend to wear on Halloween and stab people with. Now: the appeal behind this weapon is that it’s supposed to be something the wearer can secretly carry around for quick kills. Looking at it on my arm, I realize I’d be better off with a bazooka. The blade doesn’t extend further than my own fingers, which it nearly severs when it shoots out. The Brotherhood remove their ring finger as a sign of devotion to the guild, but I think it’s just to keep them from cutting their own finger off by accident. I can easily see that happening. Imagine leaving a blood trail for the guards to follow, and having to explain yourself while they hold up a severed finger and point to your bloody stump where it came from. Plus, you’ll have the murder weapon strapped to your wrist. What are you going to tell them, that it’s a wrist watch? There’s no way to take this thing off a throw it away in a bind, as the buckles are difficult to undo with one hand. It also includes an optional ornate wrist guard, which would be easily spotted by anyone within five hundred feet. Without it, you could possibly hide the contraption inside your sleeve, but there’s still an awkward  bulge to conceal, like the one in my pants.

My review is: this isn’t practical, even for highly trained assassins. You have to be close enough to your victim to touch them, there’s the risk of injuring yourself, it’s harder to hide than a normal dagger, and you can’t take it off unless you’ve got a few minutes to spare. Still, ask yourself, “Who’s going to mess with someone who’s strapped weapons to their wrists?” Sane people know not to get too close to crazy people.

I was hoping to score a white Assassin’s Creed hoodie to complete the costume, but I’ll have to make other arrangements.

Mickey VS. Minnie

While at Toys’R’Us, trying to come up with ideas for Christmas gifts, I noticed an entire rack devoted exclusively to Minnie Mouse. She had cars, dolls, bedtime dolls, talking dolls, play sets, you name it. Mickey was nowhere in sight.

Then it hit me: Minnie Mouse doesn’t need Mickey Mouse. She’s the one enduring female character that’s has never shown any inclination to be attached to her significant other. She’s been around since Steamboat Willie, which first popularized Mickey Mouse. There’s nothing particularly interesting about her. She’s essentially just Mickey Mouse with a bow on her head and some eyelashes, and she’s never starred in her own cartoon. She’s a background character at best, but she’s just as well known as Mickey Mouse the world over for decades upon decades.

What’s her deal with Mickey anyway? Are they even lovers? Have they ever even gone on a date? Mickey and Minnie seem to have the same relationship as Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine. They dated once, and now they’re just friends. They’re never going to get married.

Looking at her toys, though, it looks like she’s the one who’s got her life together. You won’t see Mickey Mouse appearing in anything other than Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse. On that show, Minnie Mouse opened her own Bow-tique, (because it sells bows) and it’s a hit. Mickey, on the other hand, has no job. He seems to be living off the residuals of his past appearances and dark magic. In other words, Minnie Mouse is a successful designer and entrepreneur, and Mickey is a bum.

More than that, Mickey is a dark wizard. We’ve previously learnt that Mickey is a practitioner of the arcane arts from Fantasia, and in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he can summon the Clubhouse into being by using magic words. He even tries to involve children in his worship of Satan by having them say the words along with him. Toodles, his all-purpose tool, is clearly magic as well. That’s why he’s the mascot for the, “Magic Kingdom.” That’s why Mickey refuses to work, or marry. Contributing to society, or stepping foot inside a church would offend his Dark Lord.

Better Luck Next Time

I was directed to ubernet.com yesterday for a sale on their 9” tall statues for Monday Night Combat. This one here was $5, called, “Bad Luck Tank Statue,” which sounds like a hipster band.

A better look at the description told me:

Our Hotshots tanks are heavy. The jet gun is also heavy and some of these tanks break during the shipping process. Feeling lucky? Some of the breaks are minor and can be glued. Some are not so minor. We'd love our fans to do something artful with them and send us your photos. You just pay $5 plus shipping and it's all yours.

So $5 for a practically guaranteed to be broken statue. Still. you could technically glue it together like it was a model. Still curious, I looked at the shipping costs.

$41.

So I was expected to pay $46 for something that was going to show up at the door broken. Why would I do that?

There were non-broken statues for $20, but $20 will get you a high-end action figure at the store, and not cost an extra $41.

Poor Perception

LiveJournal Tags: Transformers,toys

I went into Toys ‘R’ Us today and saw this:

This is Perceptor, the nerdiest Transformers of the 80’s. In a elite robot fighting force made up of flashy sports cars, boom boxes, and dinosaurs, Perceptor transforms into a microscope/telescope (*NOTE: Toy does not actually magnify.*) This comes in “useful” when the Autobots need to look at something under a microscope and don’t have immediate access to one aboard their futuristic intergalactic spaceship. Of course, being robots, they have robotic eyes, and could try looking at the object of their scrutiny without accessories as an alternative. It’s a good thing too, because I’m pretty sure that long shaft you have to look down is his robo-cock. As a telescope, he’s able to detect the Decepticons as they buzz overhead in their golden spaceship shooting lasers, before he turns tail and runs. Unfortunately for Perceptor, very little in the Transformers Universe is subtle enough to require his particular brands of skills. For instance, in Transformers: The Movie (not the Michael Bay live-action version) Perceptor uses his microscope to run a medical scan on Optimus Prime, and comes up with a sad diagnosis. “Really Perceptor, Optimus is going to die? I couldn’t tell by that HUGE GAPING HOLE IN HIS CHEST.” Honestly, Perceptor, if you want to see how deep it is, stick a finger in. His methods as a doctor are suspect, much like Dr.House.

None of that matters, though, since Perceptor is still a cool figure. He has three different modes, and he’s been re-released in original die-cast style. I picked him up, but there was no price tag on the shelf, because it’s a retail outlet. So I went over to the scanner, thinking maybe I’d get him if he was under the $29.99 range that most of the deluxe Transformers hover around. No such luck, this bad boy will set you back $49.99 CND. Fiddy dollars! For THIS!

Notice how the second transformation looks NOTHING like a telescope, but this is what you’re told to believe.

You have to realize, as a figure, he’s not much bigger than your hand. That means he’s no bigger than the new Michael Bay Transformers figures in blister packs for $10-$15 a pop. So what makes him so special? Is it because he’s a re-release? Is it because of the die-cast metal? Is it the snazzy packaging? Is it because he’s Toys ‘R’ Us exclusive?

You want to know what’s “worth” that much? This:

Soundwave. He’s another 25th Anniversary re-release that’s around the same price point at $68 on amazon.com right now. You know what the difference between him and Perceptor are though? Aside from being totally bad-ass, Soundwave turns into a boom box that spits out tapes that transform into animals. That excuses the bullshit pricing, so your geek-friends aren’t going to punch you for buying him. Some might even try to rub their dicks on it.

Worst Job Ever!

Technorati Tags: Jurassic Park,toys

(Thanks to toplessrobot.com for the idea.)
You know what’s the worst job in the world? The guy who has to brand the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

Remember these toys? Of course you don’t. But each dinosaur has it’s own “JP” emblem branded onto it, so you' know you’re buying only the finest fake plastic dinosaurs that Chinese child labour can produce, and not some dollar store knock-off. That means that in the imaginary world of Jurassic Park, someone has to brand these thunder lizards with a white-hot branding iron. Why? Is dinosaur rustling such a prevalent threat that you have to have to brand your property like cattle? You sure wouldn’t want to get them confused with some other living dinosaur, like Goldie Hawn. Who does this? Are there two guys who get all the crappy jobs on Jurassic Park island like shovelling the dino-shit, and giving the T-Rex his suppository?
“Hey Ted, you grab him by the neck and I’ll poke him with this branding iron.”
“Fuck you, Bill.”
I don’t care how sophisticated their equipment is. There had to be a lot of trial-and-error involved. People died.
What the fuck is this guy in the package wearing, by the way? Camouflage and a bright-orange vest? He must get all the pussy. Since the movie establishes that dinosaurs see by tracking motion, what good does the camos do? If this pose is any indication, he’s about to be taken down hard. That dino with it’s 0-Points of articulation is about to take a bite out his crotch. He does even have to bite, at this point. All he has to do is run through his legs and let the spines on his back tear off his balls. That missile he’s aiming is going straight past the dino. What is it, anyway? A gas grenade? Is that why he’s wearing a mask? What good will that do? That fucker can run faster than the gas can seep out of that canister, and it’s bye-bye balls. Plus, he’s going to get hit in the face with a whole lot of recoil. To top it all off, that T-Rex on the card will probably eat the shit out of him if the little dude doesn’t.
Why do you need dino trackers? It’s supposed to be an island. Just get the fuck off the island and let them be. Just shut it down. You’re never going to make the money back you spent to build it in the first place when your tourists keep dying, so just declare bankruptcy. It was a bad idea.
The worst part about the Jurassic Park movie? Jeff Goldblum explaining Chaos Theory. You don’t need math to understand that cloning a T-Rex is probably going to end with a bunch of people dying.  It’s a very fundamental concept. Ask a pre-schooler what T-Rexes do, and they’ll tell you they eat people.
Fuck.

Ol’ School Optimus

Technorati Tags: Optimus,Transformers

LiveJournal Tags: Optimus,Transformers

Hasbro recently re-released Generation I Optimus Prime as part of their 25th Anniversary for Transformers. By coincidence, I was recently looking at my Optimus Prime from when I was a kid. I forget the exact age I was when I first had it, but it’s been well over two decades. My girlfriend’s son Patrick received the “new” 25 Anniversary Optimus for his birthday. It’s basically an exact replica, although the colours are a little lighter, and there’s a few minor detail that were changed. For instance, the original has longer smokestacks sticking up from it’s shoulders. The problem with those is that they broke off easier. That’s one of my problems with the toy.
Optimus is the most recognizable Transformer, as well as the “leader” of the Autobots. Also, he’s a bitchin’ truck. Because of these factors, every kid past-and-present wants him. Problem was: he’s quite breakable. It’s an issue that’s been addressed with more modern Transformers, who have been designed to have parts that will break off if enough force is applied, but these parts can snap back into place. With Ol’ School Optimus, if it breaks, it’s broken. I broke the hatch off his trailer within weeks of owning. Also, his legs are held steady by springs, which will loosen if used too many times. After that, he won’t be able to stand independently.
That’s just the first of it’s problems. Optimus has small parts that are easily lost. That doesn’t matter so much with most toys, but Optimus’s hands detach as part of his transformation. If you lose those, you have a handless Optimus. Not exactly the biggest threat to Megatron.
Thirdly, he has stickers. A lot of toys in the 80’s had stickers that had to be applied, possibly because they were too cheap to pay the Chinese slave labourers to do it properly. That means you have to put them on yourself. Tear one, or put one on a little crooked, and that great looking toy you had is now a piece of garbage. You’re going to see your inadequate handiwork every time you play with it. Plus it loses it’s collector’s value even further.
Another thing is: it’s confusing. Not so much in regards to the transforming, but the accessories. The trailer turns into a mobile command base. That’s fine, only it’s not an Optimus sized base. It’s designed for tiny little men. If you’re considering the scale of things, these supposed men would be too small to drive Optimus as a truck. If there were actual toys for these men, they would be about a cm tall. There’s no men, though, despite all evidence there should be. There’s even a cockpit hatch that opens to reveal a pilot’s seat. No pilot, though. Why would Optimus haul around this trailer command base for humans when there’s no humans on Cybertron? In fact, there’s no humans at all. Is he sentimental? Is it a Field of Dreams situation where he hopes having the trailer will bring the humans back?
Another thing: weird holes. Optimus has unusual orifices. The trailer has two holes in the sides. Plus Optimus’s body has holes in his headlights where his hands are supposed to fit, and another below his head on the roof of the truck.

R2-D2-3D

I rebuilt an old puzzle of mine. Most of it was already assembled, so it only took an hour to get together.

It’s not so challenging as a puzzle, even with mostly identical white pieces, but it is mechanically challenging. You might notice some of the pieces aren’t properly together, even if they’re in their proper place. Forcing those pieces in place will dislodge other pieces. It’s like fighting a hydra. Don’t try moving it either, because it’ll fall apart like Lindsay Lohan on a bender. It makes cool sound effects with an electronic box located in the foot, and standing 17.5” tall it’s about half life-sized. Not quite as good as the real thing, but interesting nevertheless

Technorati Tags: R2-D2,puzzle

G.I. Shmoe

By now I’ve seen several trailers for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, and each one drives me closer to madness. Not just any kind of madness, either. Remember in Star Trek: Next Generation where the Kardasian interrogator tries to break Captain Piccard by getting him to say there’s only four fingers when he’s really holding up five? The trailers make me feel like Piccard. Fantasy requires a suspension of belief, but G.I. Joe requires you to cease all higher brain functions.
C.O.B.R.A. has developed a weapon that dissolves metal. This is considered their ultimate weapon, one which requires the likes of G.I. Joe to stop. The payload is delivered by missile. So instead of using explosives, they’re using some kind of wacky acid. The effect is exactly the same. You hit the Eiffle Tower with a missile, it really doesn’t matter what it’s full of: that metal bastard is coming down. Also: the scene where the Eiffle Tower collapses reminds me a lot of the scene from Team America: World Police.
There’s a French trailer that basically shows the entirety of a chase scene in Paris. The Joes have to follow the Baroness and Storm Shadow as they escape in their pimped out Hummer. Now: they’re in a van. They have a vehicle. They are fully capable of continuing the chase in their vehicle. They decide against this. Instead: they decide to chase this speeding black SUV on foot. Snake Eyes does a sweet-ass jump off of an overpass onto the top of their SUV and proceeds to chip his way through their armour with a hand gun to sink his sword inside. I have no problem with people riding on the tops of moving vehicles. I’m all about Teen Wolf over here. My problem is with what follows.
If you’ve see 10 seconds of the trailer, you’ve seen the Accelerator Suits. It’s a ridiculous and miraculous suit of armour that enables them to run like crazy. Now: these suits must cost billions. They basically do nothing besides enable the wearer to run fast. A cheaper alternative would be to get on a motorcycle, but this is the U.S. military we’re dealing with.
Speaking of motorcycles, Scarlett happens to catch up to the SUV on hers and blows off a dude’s head with a tricked out crossbow. She also does several physically impossible things with her motorcycle, but that’s neither here nor there.
Meanwhile, Snake Eyes does this unbelievable ninja move where he swings around an exploding car that’s hurtling towards him. I say unbelievable because it couldn’t happen in anything resembling real life. Then he ends up under the SUV, where he clings on for dear life. While he’s under there, it never occurs to him to cut the brake line, or the fuel line, or any of the things within easy reach that’ll bring the chase to a standstill.
Duke’s running after them in his Accelerator Suit with Jar-Jar Binks. Somehow, they’re able to dodge missiles, but they can’t catch up with this SUV. Now: Snake Eyes is still under the SUV, so Duke decides, “Hey, I’ll just shoot a missile at him.” Let’s say you’re on the same team as someone. They’re in a bad situation. Do you then proceed to alleviate your teammate’s problems by firing a missile at him? No. That’s called team-killing, and it’ll get you kicked. Duke doesn’t see it that way. His dad was Duke Nukem, and he had balls of steel, so eat shit and die.
Also: have you see the toys for this movie? Cobra Commander has a clear mask, and he’s got a Robocop/Freddy Kruger thing going on underneath. You’re supposed to take this guy seriously. Apparently giving him a executioner style hood wasn’t menacing enough. Plus: Snake Eyes has lips moulded on to his mask. Big, kissable lips. The idea is for his enemies to be overcome with strange new emotions.
Frankly, this looks worse than the animated movie based on the cartoon that came out way-back-when. At least that made some semblance of sense. Even the weapons were better. They had a Weather Dominator. It dominated the weather. What does this movie have? Oooh, look out, or we’ll melt your spoons!

No, Michael Bay, That’s a Bad Michael Bay!

I went to Toys’R’Us yesterday and saw what Michael Bay is calling Soudwave:



Just for the record, this is what Soundwave is supposed to look like:


The important difference? He transforms into this:

A fucking Boombox, which was by definition the most awesome thing one could possess in the 80’s, aside from an oversized car phone. I understand that kids today don’t know what a Boombox is, but I think they’d have a harder time understanding what this is:

What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be some kind of spaceship? Am I supposed to fly in this thing? Bear in mind that this is a triple-changer: meaning it has three possible transformations. The other one looks like this:


…That’s not a different transformation. That’s the same transformation, only the wings are bent back. What kind of shit are you trying to pull? You want to see a triple-changer? Here’s your fucking triple-changer:






Do you see how it’s three different things? Not two. Three. Triple.
Michael Bay, did you honestly look at the Transformers archives and say to yourself, “You know what the Transformers could us more of? Jets.”
1/2 of the Transformers are fucking jets. The other half are cars, like this one:

That’s the Transformers Animated Soundwave. He’s still not a fucking Boombox, but at least I can tell what he is. You know the other thing he has that Michael Bay’s Soundwave doesn’t? Laserbeak.
Soundwave is supposed to be able to shoot out robot minions out of his chest. Can your movie Soundwave do that? I DIDN’T THINK SO!
The most important part of Soundwave is that he has other robots living inside of him, in tape form, which he can pop out of his chest any time he needs a crony to run errands. There’s nothing creepy or weird about that. In fact, it’s fucking awesome. What’s more awesome is that these tapes transform into robot animals. Laserbeak, for instance, transforms into a fucking robot hawk, or some shit. Looking at the movie Soundwave package, I didn’t see any fucking Laserbeak, making the toy a piece of shit.
I understand the need to “update” shit for a younger, and more retarded audience, but what’s the point of cashing in on an old franchise if you’re going to ignore what made it so great in the first place? Megan Fox’s fine young ass can only take you so far. At the very least, Soundwave should look like something. Something soundwavey, but no, you failed at that and you failed at life in general, now die.
    

Lego Batman

LiveJournal Tags: Lego,Batman,360,games

I finally got around to renting Lego Batman for the 360, basically because it’s all you’d want to do with that game. It’s a kid’s game, even if it’s rated 10 and up. It was my first introduction to the Lego video game series based on movie franchises. Lego Batman is a video game based on a toy product based on a comic book/TV/movie series. In it, you can input secret codes found on McDonalds Happy Meal toys, which are based on the video game based on the toy based on the comic. It’s a game that’s made the top of the list for parents angry about cross-branding marketed towards their children. There’s no prize involved in that, but there is a prize in your Happy Meal. You’re supposed to walk away from the game you purchased or rented wanting to eat at McDonalds, go to Toys ‘R’ Us and buy the $100 Lego Batman Arkham Asylum playset and accessories, then immediately buy up every comic book, actions figure and DVD of Batman you can lay your hands on. It’s a costly affair.
There’s no dialogue in Batman, for some reason. Adam West and works cheap, so there’s no excuse for not hiring voice actors. Every cutscene involves Batman shaking his head at something stupid Robin did. It borrows from the cartoon and movie. Harley Quinn is a key figure, having originated in the cartoon. while the final stage is set in the Cathedral from Batman staring Michael Keaton.
Batman doesn’t kill: except when the people involved are made of Lego. Then he murders them with his bare hands and harvest their blocks for points. The point of the game is to destroy everything that can be destroyed and collect the Lego pieces, which fits in more with the Lego theme than the Batman one.
What’s the deal with all the Lego games? There’s a billion of ‘em for the PC. They’re even making a Lego MMO, which blows my mind. Have they given up on real Lego, considering that most Lego kits have been priced out of the availability market as they’re in the $30-$120 range? For that price you can buy REAL model kits and not some half-assed block version that doesn’t look anything like the thing it’s supposed to represent. The games are cheaper by comparison.

Fuck Yeah!

In today's times of crumbling economic infrastructure, it's good to know that two bucks can still buy you something amazingly awesome. How awesome? THIS awesome:


That's the mother-fucking Planet Hulk Gladiator Hulk and Silver Savage, as adorable kid's toys, for two fucking bucks CANADIAN. "Why is this so awesome?" you might ask, and I might kick you in the nuts for it. Because it depicts the Incredible Hulk and the Silver Surfer as slaves forced to fight to the death in a gladiator pit on a God-forsaken alien planet, and it's being marketed to children who've never so much as picked up a Hulk comic before. These figures can only be appreciated in the context of someone who's read Planet Hulk, and that sure isn't Billy Turner, your average five-year old asshole who didn't see the movie, let alone read the comics. If he brought these to the playground, he'd get shit-kicked, but they're perfect for my desk. 
I've been going to Wal-Mart for weeks now and finding awesome deals like this as they clear out their not-so-old crap. I bought five Incredibly Hulk movie figures for $4.94 apiece, a Joker and a Batman from the Dark Knight for $3.94 apiece, and another Batman for only $2.00. After buying Marvel Legends and DC Direct for so long, I have a deeper appreciation for action figures that are heavy on the action. I missed toys that would shoot missiles. The Joke has a bazooka that shoots a boxing-glove missile a ridiculous 12ft, and looks nothing like Heath Ledger. My Eric Bana look-alike Hulk throws a fucking boulder which then splits apart. Another Hulk with an unseemingly small head has a chest that glows green, and it's bright enough to substitute for a flashlight. Can your Dr.Strange Marvel Legends figure do that? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO.

What I got for Christmas:

-Transformers Animated Optimus Prime.
-Xbox 360 controller charger and rechargeable battery pack.
-An assortment of cheeses.
-A cheese platter.
-Shiraz.
-Robot Chicken Season 3.
-The last existing copy of my short story, "Heads," as published in "The Claremont Review."
-Chocolates.
-Hot chocolate.
-Bathroom accesories.
-An electronic football game.
-"Mystery Case Files Millionheir" for the Nintendo DS.
-A long sleeved shirt.
-A short sleeved button shirt.
-Pyjama pants.
-Socks.
-Winter gloves.
-Cash.
-American Eagle cologne for men.
-American Eagle boxers.
I'm probably forgetting a lot, but that's the jist of it.
Robot Chicken: Season ThreeMystery Case Files: MillionHeir