Swearitol

Setting: An office cubicle.

Jane: “Gosh darn it!”

Bob: *Pokes his head in* “What’s the matter, Jane?”

Jane: “My computer crashed again!”

Bob: “Let me see.” *Muses it over* “Hmm… I think I see the problem. It’s your weak fucking swearing.”

Jane: “My what?”

Bob: “Recent studies show that swearing makes you more fucking effective in all aspects of your life, including computers and technologies. Just watch! WORK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” *Computer turns on.* “There you have it.”

Jane: “Every time?”

Bob: “Every mother-fucking time.”

Jane: “But how can I improve my swearing?”

Bob: “Here, try this shit out, bitch.” *Pulls pill bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket.*  “New Swearitol is the fucking shit. It’ll make your swearing go from, ‘Darn-it,’ to, ‘FUCK YOUR FUCKING-ASS MOTHER!’”

Jane: “But how does it work?”

Bob: “Shit-head scientists found out they couldn’t cure tourettes-syndrome, but they sure as fuck could give you the same symptoms in pill form. Here, take one.” *Bob empties a pill out into his hand and Jane takes it. She moves to put it in her mouth.* “Not there.” *He shakes his head. Jane hesitates, then puts the pill up her skirt.* There… There we go. Nice and slow. You like that, don’t you bitch. Sorry… Where as I? Oh yeah. Try it the fuck out.”

Jane: *Clears throats.* “COCK-FUCKING SUCK SHIT! SHIIIIIIIIT! Wow, this works great. Are there any side-affects?”

Bob: “Only if you’re a fucking pussy!” *Bob laughs.* “Seriously, though, there are some very serious side effects, including death. Diarrhea, is the main one, then death. Sometimes you shit out the pill before you die, but if you can’t, you’re fucking dead. I should have mentioned that, but I don’t really like you.”

John: *Sticks his head into the cubicle.* “I heard you two swearing in here. You’re both fucking fired.”

Bob: “Oop! Swearitol?” *He points to John knowingly.*

John: *Shrugs and sheepishly pulls a bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket. Everyone laughs. “Seriously, though, you’re both fucking fired. Get your shit and get out.” *John then grabs his stomach and shits his pants. Everyone shits their pants, including the audience. Blood gushes out of their mouth and asses, then they die.*

Announcer: *Picture of Swearitol on the screen.* “Ask your doctor is Sweartiol is right for you.” *In softer voice:* "”Swearitol is not right for you. Do not ask your doctor.”

Moo York City

This commercial is notable for one thing: In an age where everything is made in China, its not enough to buy American: you should buy Texan. Not just Texas, either, but San Antonio, Texas, because those fuckin’ queerbos at the Alamo don’t know shit about salsa.

“Is your salsa made in New York City? Then fuck you, you Commie queer. We’re going to have ourselves a good ol’ fashioned FAG DRAG!”

Honestly, if I had to pick a geographical location where I wanted my salsa to come from, it’d probably be Mexico. The good part of Mexico, that is, if it exists.

In the commercial the cows say, “Moo York City,” because they’re not allowed to say, “Jew York City.” Also, the cowboys immediately lynched the man with the New York salsa, which is their custom. They then proceeded to fuck each other atop Brokeback Mountain.

Role Reversal

Do you remember how only a few, short years ago commercials for Axe and Tag body spray would all but guarantee you’d get laid like a billion times?

Literally:

That’s a lot of sex to be having. I don’t think my fragile imagination, let alone my body could handle that kind of tang. No man could. This product is dangerous and should be banned.

Then things got gay. Advertisers realized that the person most likely to buy a scented product designed for men are their sexually repressed and long-suffering women. That introduced the beefcake commercial:

Look at that video again: Not one tit jiggling around. A heterosexual male isn’t going to watch that an run out to buy Old Spice. Old Spice used to be that shit your Grandpa would slap on his face before between shots of rye. Now it’s associated with men who spend too much time doing crunches and not enough time slapping their wives.

Now advertisers have given up on men and their reeking pits altogether. Over the Christmas holidays there was an absolute barrage of commercials for women’s perfume.

Virtually every commercial like this is the same: women fucking random strangers, but on a train or in a ballroom so you know it’s classy. How is that any different than the male “sexist” commercial of yesteryear? The message is the same: spray this piss on yourself and good times will happen to your genitals.

Worse still, when I tried to research this article, I stumbled across page after page on youtube of frumpy, unattractive and probably unemployed women reviewing perfumes. Some only had like 57 hits, which makes me wondered why they bothered, while others had over 100,000 views. Furthermore, it’s women reviewing the same product. There are dozens, and dozens, and dozens of different women making videos about the same thing they picked up by happenstance at Wal-Mart. Is this some kind of underground marketing ploy, or is this really happening by itself? Are they watching each other’s videos and saying, “I don’t think they touched on all the different points of that one perfume in their 2:36 minute video. I’m going to make my own.” How do you even review a perfume, except to say it smells like lavender, celebrity-tie in and commercial greed? Wine reviews are usually only three paragraphs long, and they have the extra sense of taste to deal with. Why are these women so obsessed with cosmetics and perfumes when they obviously can’t attract a man with either? Watching their reviews is like taking dietary advice from Dr.Phil.

Pyjama Jam

This:

This is a real thing. Forever Lazy. It’s a fleece coverall, incredibly similar to a baby sleeper. You’re expected to wear this in public. At all times. The video shows people working, and attending tail gate parties with other people dressed the same. There’s no attempt at fashion. One of their highlights is the zipper on the side for when you need to make poopies, like those flap-traps in ol’tyme pyjamas you’d see hillbilly prospectors wearing in Looney Toons. Basically, they took the already ridiculous notion of the Snuggli: the blanket with sleeves, and turned it into an outfit.

It’s called the Forever Lazy, but honestly it would take more effort to put this on than a shirt and a pair of pants. Especially when it comes to going to the bathroom. Like I said, the zipper is on the side. You’re expected to pee like a turn-of-the-century Chinese stereotype.

Don’t buy this. I know people are buying this, but don’t buy this. Even for people you hate.

SLAP CHOP!

LiveJournal Tags: TV,infomercials,commercials

I have to admit that the commercial for the slap chop is one of the most convincing sales pitches ever produced by man, but it’s still bogged down by the infernal lies of all infomercials. For instance, it claims, “Call in twenty minutes and we’ll double your order!” The commercial runs 24/7. You’re ALWAYS inside the 20 minute timeframe. Or perhaps there’s a three minute window sometime during the day. The one person who procrastinates for 21 minutes but still ends up calling gets screwed out of a deal. Do they argue with the salesperson?
-
“Your commercial said as long as I called within 20 minutes, I’d receive a SECOND Slap Chop and Graty for free.”
“I’m sorry sir, but it’s been 20 minutes and fourteen seconds since the commercial aired.”
“I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.”
“…For twenty minutes?”
“I have problems, okay? Not to get into anything too specific, but I don’t have a lot of time in the day. Which is why I need the Slap Chop. Times two. I need double the Slap Chop.”
“I’m afraid we still won’t be able to honour the deal offered by the commercial unless you call before the twenty minute deadline. Maybe if you called back in four minutes you’ll make the next scheduled commercial offer timeline.”
“I CAN’T. I’ll be in the bathroom by then.”
“Sir… Do you need help? Is there a place I can donate money to? Like does your problem have marathons for it or…”
“TOO LATE!” *CLICK*
-
They also say to beware of imitators. Why? What could be so wrong with a Slap Chop knockoff?
-
“Guess what I got in the mail today, honey? A Smack Cutter!”
“A Smack Cutter? What’s that?”
“It’s like a Slap Chop, only it’s made by Cambodians instead of the Chinese!”
“How does it work?”
“Easy! Let me show you. Hand me that onion over there, sugarbottom! Now watch as I place it under the Smack Cutter, and… prest-OH! MY HAND! THE SMACK CUTTER WENT THROUGH MY HAND!”
“How did that happen?”
“I don’t know! I just don’t know! God help me! My wound… I think it’s infected. There’s something on the Smack Cutter. It smells like almonds! I think I’ve been poisoned!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll call an ambulance!”
“It’s too late… Too… late… Honey…”
“Don’t leave me!”
“Why… why didn’t I order the Slap Chop instead? It was only a cent more… So… cold…”
“STAY WITH ME!”
“I want to go to heaven, Forrest.”
-
Harrowing stuff, I’m sure.
Seriously, though, this guy does stuff with the Slap Chop that doesn’t seem mechanically possible. Did you see when he takes the Slap Chop apart? It’s like watching Shiva pull a tiger inside out. Why does it even do that? Why would I need to completely invert my Slap Chop to clean it? I’m fairly certain I can get a brush that would fit inside. I don’t need to prolapse in order to wipe my ass. There is such a thing as too convenient, like your mother.
Who the fuck is this guy, anyway? It’s like they grew him somewhere to sell the Slap Chop. No one should be able to convey that much information in that amount of time. I feel like Johnny Memonic just from listening to him.
Why the hell do I have to call in order to buy the Slap Chop anyway? Why can’t I just go to the store and buy it? What makes it so special that I have to wait six to nine weeks to get it in the mail, assuming they don’t just overnight it. Do they screen their buyers over the line? They should. The Slap Chop seems like it could be used for evil if it fell into the wrong hands. Imagine if someone slapped you with the Slap Chop. Really imagine it. I’m not kidding, think about it. I want you to feel the cold steel imprinting itself into your flesh. Your gums bleed as it cuts through your cheek. A lightning bolt pattern is imbedded on your face, like a forgotten sibling of Harry Potter. Darkness seeps in as blood flows out.
That is the terrible power of the Slap Chop. They should make people wait four weeks for background check like the do with guns.

wtf?Pod

The most recent, "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC," commercial involved "the Mac" accusing "the PC" of spending too much money on advertising and not enough on their product. Let me explain why that's fucked up: it's a commercial by Apple Computers complaining about how much money Windows spends on their commercials. Have you even seen a Windows commercial on your TV? You haven't. They don't need to. Bill Gates is fucking rich enough. It's all Apple Macs, Apple iPods and Apple iPhones. They're out there advertising the next iPod Nano Mini Touch, which is smaller, has a shorter battery life, and less memory for more money, and they've put hundreds of millions of dollars into advertising. In fact, the very next commercial break, there was a commercial for the iPhone, showing you how easy it is for someone to bid $800 on eBay between phone calls. Really? If I  buy an iPhone for $400-$600, I'm not going to have money left over for eBay. Who are these people buying this crap and spending this money? Honestly, I want their names and addresses so I can rob the fuck out of them.
Apple iPhone 4 Black Smartphone 32GB (AT&T)