That's not a gun in my pants, that's a sword in my belt.

LiveJournal Tags: beltswords

Did you know that you can create new invention simply by rearranging words in an existing products? That's what the makers of the belt sword did. It's not a belt for your sword like back in olden days, because that shit doesn't cut it in the 21st Century. This is a new product, featuring revolutionary scrap sheet metal technology. It's a belt that bends around your waist, ready to be released at a moment's notice, or without any notice at all when you bend over to pick up the newspaper and it rips out of it's sheath.

In the realm of concealed weapons: there are swords in canes. Putting a sword in a belt is the next logical step.
Honestly, though, this is the worst thing since sliced bread. First off: why do you need a sword, especially one that's going to break in ten seconds? Is it for self defence? What kind of fucked up fantasy world do you live in where you have to constantly fend off attacks with a sword? Here's what would happen if you ever pulled out a belt sword in public: you'd be killed. Either the guy trying to mug you is going to kill you, (because it takes like 1/2 a second to get over the surprise of someone pulling out a sword, and another 1/8th of a second to squeeze a trigger) or the cops will just shoot you later. You might even kill yourself, because this thing doesn't look safe at all. What are you going to do: just casually kill someone and then put the sword back? You don't think anyone would get suspicious seeing some dude all decapitated (assuming this piece of crap can cut through a neck, or even pierce the skin) and then seeing you all covered in blood? What about a sword-on-sword fight? Your piece of tinfoil isn't going to cut it, Aragorn.

You can't even L.A.R.P. is this thing. Do you think your D.M. is going to allow belt swords? Fuck no.
Do you think you're going to sneak this thing on a plane? You're going to have to take your belt off for the metal detector, and no matter how dumb that lady from security is, she's going to take one look at that belt and cuff you.
Also: Why are you trying to sell sword using trannies?

Are you trying to feature one of the belt swords advantages? Do-it-yourself sex-change operations? Because let me tell you: This sword will cut your dick off. That blade is coming out right above your Doc Johnson and the Boys from Berlin, and it's not going to get along with them. Not at all. You shouldn't be surprised when you're trying to impress your friends in their parent's basement by showing them your new toy, and your dick comes flying off. After all, you're whipping out a piece of razor-sharp sheet metal from around your waist, and you're a bit of a fatty.
What happens if it's Thanksgiving: you've just finished dinner and you're leaning back in your chair and undoing your belt buckle. All of a sudden, your sword springs out of it's own accord and spikes through Aunt Gertrude's eye. Me: I'd play it cool, and ask, "Where the fuck did that sword come from? It must be ninjas!" Then, pretending to fear for my own life, I'd make my escape. Your Cousin Billy saw what happened, though, and he'll have to be dealt with: only, your belt sword is in your Aunt's face. What do you do now, hot shot? What do you do?
Shoot the hostage.

T-Shirts I Own Extended Edition

LiveJournal Tags: t-shirts,apparel

Continuing with my T-Shirt collection, let's get into the truly batshit insane stuff.

The Great Equalizer. No, your eyes don't deceive you. 4 AAA batteries powers the fully functional animated equalizer display in the shirt. This shit is years ahead of it's time. Draw attention to your moobs like never before. Try washing it. It can't be done. Great for concerts and clubs, except you'll distract too much attention away for the real entertainment.

The LED Clock shirt. Same concept, only there's a fucking working clock in the shirt. Hey Flav-a-Flav, you tired of lugging that alarm clock around your neck? Try this shit out. Great for ringing in the New Year, if only your girlfriend would let you wear it to social events.

The Topless Robot T-Shirt. The colour and graphics for my grey T-shirt are a little different, but this baby was free from winning a blog-entry comment contest. Robots are awesome, but topless robots are more awesome, especially when their tits can be used as guided missiles.

The Cleveland Steamers/ Tenacious D 666 Hoodie. In BROWN. If you don't know what a Cleveland Steamer is by now, you should open your mouth and close your eyes, because I've got a big surprise.

These Are the Shirts I Own I Own, These Are the Shirts I Own.

LiveJournal Tags: shirts,clothing

"These are the shirts I own, I own, these are the shirts I own." (Note: sung to the tune of "These are the Daves I Know," by Bruce Mccullough from Kids in the Hall.)

Let's face it, people like T-shirts. I like T-shirts, you like T-shirts, eveyone likes T-Shirts. There's very little one could find fault with in with T-Shirts. You can wear 'em. Don't want to wear it? Then don't. Tear it up, and you've got yourself a new rag. It's got TWO uses. What more could you want?
So here's some of the shirts I own. Let's reviews, shall we?

+20 Shirt of Smiting. Let's say you're in a dungeon, and there's a dragon. You've got to let that sun-of-a-bitch you're ready to throw down. Hence, the +20 Shirt of Smiting you're wearing. What other piece of clothing do you own that has stats like this? None. I say put this one in your Bag of Holding. I give it a 10/10 +1.









The Black Mantle. A hoodie so ominous deserves a name that demands respect. I hope you like text, because this one has a lot of it. By the time they're done reading it, you've already vanquished your enemies. I give this one a 11/10, because I bought it from Tycho and Gabe in person at the Emerald City Comic Con 2008, thus adding to it's power, which is also where I got this little number:
















Internet Dickwad Theory shirt.  Also known as the Internet Fuckwad Theory. Indisputable proof that the Interwebs is making you an bigger asshole. 10/10.











The RPG shirt. When I kick it, I kick it ol' school. 9999/9999.









Jesus is F'ing Metal, but you knew that already, 'cause my Lord and Saviour is more hardcore than yours. 3:16/10.










LEEEEEEEEROY JENKINS!!! T-shirt. Are there two words that strike more fear into the hearts of evil? I think not. 10/10 + a chicken wing.