The Worst Things in Cartoons

Cartoons are easy-to-absorb and have instant appeal but can maintain the complexities of heavier drama hidden inside their framework. That doesn't stop them from trying to force the personal high-brow interests of the creators onto an audiences that came to kill some brain cells. Some of the most popular cartoons ever made are filled to bursting with themes that no fan has asked for, but can be found in most episodes. For instance:
Looney Tunes and Opera:

It's practically right there in the title, but "Looney Tunes" is rampant with classical music. It's extremely likely, as "Seinfeld" pointed out, that most people are familiar with opera simply because of "Looney Tunes." There were cartoons devoted to works such as, "The Barber of Seville," and "The Valkyire," among others. It was a complete mish-mash of the highest and lowest forms of culture in cartoons intended for slack-jawed children. "Looney Tunes" has probably done more to class up youth culture than public schools. The question remains, "Why?" It's not as if these works were ripe with comedy, but somehow they all end up being about a cross-dressing rabbit and a bald man who wants to kill him.
Family Guy and Big Band music:

Because of creator Seth Green's obsession with Big Bands like the Rat Pack and his eagerness to showcase a singing voice that later landed him a gig hosting the Oscars, there's numerous musical interludes in many episodes of "Family Guy." Obscure references like, "Shipoopi" have ground entire episodes to a stop.This is all inside the context of a show about a farting fat man and a megalomaniac baby. It adds a touch of class to a show that is famous for having no class. Additionally, these musical interludes are the least recognizable references to the audience that is already struggling to "get" all the references.
The Simpsons and Jazz:

Do you like Jazz? No. No one does.If anyone tells you they do, they're lying hipsters trying to get in your pants. Yet, every single episode of, "The Simpsons," contains at least one reference, usually in the opening credits when Lisa plays her sax. Then there's entire episodes dedicated to Lisa and Jazz, which somehow end up being the most depressing episodes in their 20 plus year run. I'm confused as to whether or not there is even a cross-over with audiences that like, "The Simpsons," and Jazz. That has to be a pretty small niche, known as the, "Dennis Miller Ratio."
"The Simpsons" even burns the musical genre of Jazz in one episode with the lines, "You have to listen to the notes they're not playing."
"I can do that at home."
G.I. Joe/He-Man/Transformers, etc. and PSAs:

Every 80's cartoon that mattered ended with a brief interlude that broke the fourth wall and gave audiences some practical advice, because the assumption was that schools and parents weren't as effective as raising kids as Optimus Prime. I have no idea how they picked which pressing issues to address. I'm assuming some Reagan-Era think tank pulled ideas out of a hat, or more likely their asses. If you want to know how well this advice holds up today, look at the meth-addicted world spiraling into a never-ending nightmare of debt, terrorism, pollution and fear-mongering. I can't recall a single time when I ran into a problem and thought, "What did Shipwreck tell me to do?" The worst offender, by far, was the mega-crossover special involving TMNT, Alf, Bugs Bunny, The Real Ghost Busters, Alvin and the Chipmunks and so many, many, many more.

It was a total cluster-fuck of every cartoon character you've ever loved in the 80's doing something terrible. That "terrible" was getting kids to say, "No," to drugs. That didn't work. In fact, the whole episode was like a Dave Chappelle sketch explaining to you exactly how awesome drugs could be by simulating the effects, because if you ever see Winnie the Pooh and the Smurfs at the same time in a show, you're probably high as fuck.
Peanuts, Futurama, Bambi, etc. and Sadness

Most people don't watch cartoons to be fucking depressed. As a medium, cartoons can have the same emotional impact as any other artistic work. That doesn't mean that should try and cover the full spectrum of human emotion. The worst part is how audiences get lured in with the common fare and then hit in the stomach. "Bambi," is a movie about a baby deer frolicking in the forest up until the moment his mother gets shot.There's a complete and total contrast that isn't supposed to exist. It's cheap tactics and it works, usually because the audience is seven-years-old and hasn't fully fathomed that death lurks around every corner and it's waiting for their loves ones.

Lucky There’s a Family Guy

Last week’s episode of Family Guy revealed that there was a second toy company near fictional Quahog, Rhode Island, which opened several questions. Firstly, why couldn’t Peter Griffin find a job there after Happy Go Lucky Toys closed down? He was briefly the C.E.O. of Happy Go Lucky Toys (although he accidentally killed his employer). The fact he was involved in Mr.Weed’s death opens another line of thought. Peter’s accidentally killed two recurring characters on the show: Mr.Weeds and Cleveland’s first wife, Loretta. By comparison, Stewie’s only killed the Vaudeville pair (in his defence the piano player was a child molester), and Diana Simmons. Everyone else he killed either came back in a later episode or was never a recurring character. In the one episode, Diana Simmons killed Brian’s ex-girlfriend’s husband and the Jewish guy’s wife (James Woods came back to life and his girlfriend wasn’t a recurring character). The difference between those two and Peter is that everyone knows Peter’s responsible.

Speaking of James Woods, James Woods once alerted authorities about four suspicious people on a flight, who later turned out to be four of the 9/11 hijackers on a dry-run. Seth McFarlane was later supposed to be on one of the 9/11 flights, but missed it. Meaning: James Woods nearly saved Seth McFarlane’s life, and both narrowly avoided being killed by terrorists, and they’re now occasional co-collaborators.

Swearitol

Setting: An office cubicle.

Jane: “Gosh darn it!”

Bob: *Pokes his head in* “What’s the matter, Jane?”

Jane: “My computer crashed again!”

Bob: “Let me see.” *Muses it over* “Hmm… I think I see the problem. It’s your weak fucking swearing.”

Jane: “My what?”

Bob: “Recent studies show that swearing makes you more fucking effective in all aspects of your life, including computers and technologies. Just watch! WORK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” *Computer turns on.* “There you have it.”

Jane: “Every time?”

Bob: “Every mother-fucking time.”

Jane: “But how can I improve my swearing?”

Bob: “Here, try this shit out, bitch.” *Pulls pill bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket.*  “New Swearitol is the fucking shit. It’ll make your swearing go from, ‘Darn-it,’ to, ‘FUCK YOUR FUCKING-ASS MOTHER!’”

Jane: “But how does it work?”

Bob: “Shit-head scientists found out they couldn’t cure tourettes-syndrome, but they sure as fuck could give you the same symptoms in pill form. Here, take one.” *Bob empties a pill out into his hand and Jane takes it. She moves to put it in her mouth.* “Not there.” *He shakes his head. Jane hesitates, then puts the pill up her skirt.* There… There we go. Nice and slow. You like that, don’t you bitch. Sorry… Where as I? Oh yeah. Try it the fuck out.”

Jane: *Clears throats.* “COCK-FUCKING SUCK SHIT! SHIIIIIIIIT! Wow, this works great. Are there any side-affects?”

Bob: “Only if you’re a fucking pussy!” *Bob laughs.* “Seriously, though, there are some very serious side effects, including death. Diarrhea, is the main one, then death. Sometimes you shit out the pill before you die, but if you can’t, you’re fucking dead. I should have mentioned that, but I don’t really like you.”

John: *Sticks his head into the cubicle.* “I heard you two swearing in here. You’re both fucking fired.”

Bob: “Oop! Swearitol?” *He points to John knowingly.*

John: *Shrugs and sheepishly pulls a bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket. Everyone laughs. “Seriously, though, you’re both fucking fired. Get your shit and get out.” *John then grabs his stomach and shits his pants. Everyone shits their pants, including the audience. Blood gushes out of their mouth and asses, then they die.*

Announcer: *Picture of Swearitol on the screen.* “Ask your doctor is Sweartiol is right for you.” *In softer voice:* "”Swearitol is not right for you. Do not ask your doctor.”

On the Outs

It’s been a few weeks, but I only realized the Jodie Foster coming out speech at the Golden Globes could have had far-reaching historical impact… if it had been made, as she said, “since the stone age.” As you may remember, Jodie Foster, who’s apparently single and ready to mingle as long as you don’t have a dingle, was the object of obsession for John Hinckley Jr. (Sr. must be so proud), because of her role as an under-aged prostitute in Taxi Driver (technically there’s no legally acceptable “age” for a prostitute, but you know what I mean). Because of this, he shot at Actor/President Ronald Regan, who had nothing to do with Jodie Foster, or the movie Taxi Driver. If that makes sense to you, you’re John Hinckley Jr., and you’re in jail, reading this. How re you? Are you doing well? Are they treating you okay? I hope you’re getting the respect an attempted presidential assassin deserves in jail.

As an episode of American Dad pointed out, if Hinckley hadn’t tried to kill Reagan, Regan may have lost the election, turning the country into a Commie Paradise, bread lines and all. What if Jodie Foster had come out as full-blown gay back in the day? Would that have turned Hinckley off enough to stop him from his attempt? The entire course of human history could have been altered, unbeknownst to sexually-repressed and a little lonely Jodie Foster.

I read members of GLAAD were simultaneously applauding Jodie for coming out (kind-of), and snubbing her for not doing it earlier. Imagine what an openly lesbian actress in the early 80’s could have done for the cause? The Pride Parades could be celebrating their 30th anniversaries and…. I don’t know what else.

If anything, Jodie’s possibly America’s greatest hero for NOT coming out of the closet earlier, because of one crazy guy and a gun.

Chewie and Joey

Now that Lucasfilms has the ambition to make two to three Star Wars related movies a year, I’m closer to being able to pitch my pilot project, “Chewie and Joey.” “Chewie and Joey” is a sitcom starring Chewbacca from Star Wars and Joey Lawrence from Blossom, living together as roommates in an apartment (Joey and Chandler’s apartment from Friends, specifically). Hi-jinx ensue.

Here’s a sample of some dialogue:

Joey: “Hey Chewie, the shower drain is clogged full of hair!”

Chewie: “Rwarrrr!”

Joey: “Whoa!”

Their landlord will be Holographic Don Knotts, who doesn’t like Wookies and doesn’t know that Chewie is one, and so Joey has to dress him in a variety of disguises. Their wacky neighbour will, of course, be Kramer, as I’m pretty sure he’s not doing anything with his career right now. Only now, he’s addicted to crack, and is often caught stealing things from their apartment. Sometimes he’ll just burst into the room and start spouting out racial slurs.

The lyrics to the theme song will be, “Chewie and Joey! A-a-a-a-a-a-aaa…” sung to the theme from, “The Never Ending Story.”

When Chewie and Joey go to hang out, they head down to the Canatana where Chewie has a crush on one of the girls who works there, who’s inexplicably one of the green alien chicks from Star Trek, but he’s too shy to ask her out. Too bad she’s dating Boba Fett, who’s essentially the dick boyfriend from every 80’s movie. Chewie tries to take dating tips from Joey, but most involve being ridiculously good-looking.

Plus the Empire is out to get them, and they’re frequently attacked by bumbling, incompetent Storm Troopers.

To Kill a Mockingbird Lane

I watched the premier for, “Mockingbird Lane,” and I’m confused as to what it’s trying to be or appeal to. The original Munsters, which I’m likely the only living person to have seen and have any recollection of, was an Adams Family rip-off sitcom, the “sit” being that everyone in the family save for the cute blonde girl was a monster. They were loveable versions of famous movie monsters. There was nothing offensive about the show other than its silly premise.

Before the opening credits even roll on Mockingbird Lane, we see a werewolf slaughter a group of hapless scouts. Or at least that’s what it looks like. It’s rather hard to believe they escaped with only minor cuts and scratches. We see one child slammed against a tree hard enough that his sleeping bag explodes into a cloud of feathers. They dubbed over an, “Ouch!” for the kid, because the scene was obviously too gruesome and the audience would have no doubt left in their minds they just saw a kid get 86ed on primetime television. We find out this werewolf is a confused and amnesiac Eddie Munster, who obviously doesn’t follow the puberty rules of Teen Wolf.

Then the rest of the cast gets introduced. For some reason Herman Munster is Jerry O’Connel. The show is intended to be, “sexy,” as evidenced by the super-slow-mo catwalk struts of his vampire wife and bizarre post-coitus lying on the ceiling scene. There’s also quite a fair bit of gore usually not seen outside of Bones and CSI. We have up-close looks at the inside of Herman’s zipper-chest every five minutes, and the show ends with a guest character having his heart surgically removed and his blood drank.

The show also introduces a lonely, over-dedicated scout master who is then immediately murdered and harvested, indicating the show isn’t interested in keeping around secondary characters outside the Munster family. The only evidence of a recurring character is the suspicious neighbour who rides around in her rascal with her dog.

As it was the premier, there was some special attention paid to the special effects and some CGI, but I assume the budget won’t let them keep that up over the course of the series. I don’t understand why the show would need anything besides heavy make-up and some fake props, as that was all the original had.

Aside from a few awkward double-entendres (murder-based, not sexual) there wasn’t much comedy to be had in the series. So it isn’t a sitcom. It’s more of a lighter-hearted horror series, like a dumbed-down Buffy. I have no idea what it’s doing with itself.

Mickey VS. Minnie

While at Toys’R’Us, trying to come up with ideas for Christmas gifts, I noticed an entire rack devoted exclusively to Minnie Mouse. She had cars, dolls, bedtime dolls, talking dolls, play sets, you name it. Mickey was nowhere in sight.

Then it hit me: Minnie Mouse doesn’t need Mickey Mouse. She’s the one enduring female character that’s has never shown any inclination to be attached to her significant other. She’s been around since Steamboat Willie, which first popularized Mickey Mouse. There’s nothing particularly interesting about her. She’s essentially just Mickey Mouse with a bow on her head and some eyelashes, and she’s never starred in her own cartoon. She’s a background character at best, but she’s just as well known as Mickey Mouse the world over for decades upon decades.

What’s her deal with Mickey anyway? Are they even lovers? Have they ever even gone on a date? Mickey and Minnie seem to have the same relationship as Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine. They dated once, and now they’re just friends. They’re never going to get married.

Looking at her toys, though, it looks like she’s the one who’s got her life together. You won’t see Mickey Mouse appearing in anything other than Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse. On that show, Minnie Mouse opened her own Bow-tique, (because it sells bows) and it’s a hit. Mickey, on the other hand, has no job. He seems to be living off the residuals of his past appearances and dark magic. In other words, Minnie Mouse is a successful designer and entrepreneur, and Mickey is a bum.

More than that, Mickey is a dark wizard. We’ve previously learnt that Mickey is a practitioner of the arcane arts from Fantasia, and in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he can summon the Clubhouse into being by using magic words. He even tries to involve children in his worship of Satan by having them say the words along with him. Toodles, his all-purpose tool, is clearly magic as well. That’s why he’s the mascot for the, “Magic Kingdom.” That’s why Mickey refuses to work, or marry. Contributing to society, or stepping foot inside a church would offend his Dark Lord.

Special Agent Oso

Continuing with my examination of Special Agent Oso, I found he has hidden cams inside our children’s bathrooms. In an episode I saw today, he had a flying robot bug watch as a child tried to brush his teeth, and then the robot signalled Oso that the child was alone in the bathroom. That’s creepy.

He’s also trying to confuse our children. In a short cartoon entitled, “Three Healthy Steps,” he explains the three steps to catching a ball… There’s really only one step to catching a ball. You catch it. Congratulations, you graduated son. But no, he elaborates in song the three steps.

Step 1: Put yourself in front of the ball.

Step 2: You catch the ball.

Step 3: Why is there a step three? I think it had something to do with celebrating.

Seriously, all of this was unnecessary. A child isn’t going to learn to catch a ball by watching a video. It’s like when you get a low paying job and your new supervisor puts in a video explaining how to push a button because the corporation you work for thinks you’re the dumbest thing that’s ever lived. There’s only one way to learn how to play catch, and only one correct way of doing it.

I like the fact that many. “Steps,” went into the production of this cartoon, and at no point did anyone say, “This isn’t worth doing. Let’s try something else.” Meaning: Following steps simply doesn’t work.

Also, every time anyone ever mentions, “Steps,” I automatically think of the Underpants Gnomes from South Park.

Step 1: Steal all the underpants.

Step 2: ???

Step 3: Profit!

I also watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Donald Duck was trying to teach a baby duckling how to fly. But it was a real duck, and he’s a cartoon duck. He’s living in a world where there’s lesser evolved animal versions of himself. Wouldn’t that get weird? You could make the argument that monkeys are lesser evolved people, but that’s no quite how it is. We don’t see unmistakable tiny, naked miniature versions of ourselves walking around in nature that are more “real” than we are. Plus, he’s trying to call the ducks by quacking, but he’s not actually quacking, he’s just saying the word, “Quack!” He’s a funny talking duck that always sounds like he’s quacking, but he can’t actually quack. I almost expected him to suddenly reject the human world, take off his clothes, and run wild and free.

Worst Villain Ever

Jake and the Neverland Pirates is a question wrapped inside of an enigma. The first thought that bursts into someone’s mind when they learn someone made a Disney kid’s show about a group of three pirate kids in Neverland and their adventures involving Captain Hook is, “Where’s Peter Pan?” Seriously, where the fuck is Peter Pan? There’s DVD that supposedly explains everything, and I’m about ready to drop $30 on it. Why are the kids hanging around Captain Hook, when they could be rolling with the Lost Boys? They’re also not a part of Captain Hook’s crew. They’re basically a rival gang of pirates, operating out a secret pirate lair. In the show, they find clues from Peter Pan about treasure on the island, and they have a bag of Tinkerbelle’s magical pixie dust, but neither character is to be seen. Its almost as if they didn’t have the rights to the characters, which is impossible considering its Disney, and they have Captain Hook.

Seriously, though, where is Peter Pan? Is the series set in the interim period shown in the movie Hook? Did Peter Pan fly away and forget how to get back? That’s one of the rules: Peter Pan can’t stay away from Neverland for too long or he’ll forget how to ever make it back home. Then how does he leave clues for the pirate kids?

GRAH!

I was also thinking about how great a villain Captain Hook is. He’s not a one-track character like in every other kid’s story. Captain Hook has a full itinerary that goes well and beyond killing Peter Pan. For instance, a day for him could involve:

1: Revenge against the crocodile that bit off his hand, ala Moby Dick.

2: Stealing magic from the island .

3: Stealing treasure from the island.

4: Finding a way home from Neverland.

5: Being a pirate.

6: For some reason: baseball.

Think of other villains, like Voldemort. What’s his plan?

Step One: Kill Harry Potter.

Step Two: ???

Step Three: Profit!

iPhony

Samsung recently lost billions in its legal battle with Apple over copyright infringement, but did you know Apple has been ripping off someone else for years? That someone is Star Trek.

Apple execs have admitted that the idea for iTunes came from Star Trek: The Next Generation, where the Enterprise’s computer has a full catalogue of every song ever made available upon request. It goes deeper than that.

While visiting the Star Trek exhibit at the PNE in Vancouver, I saw an old prop labelled, “PADD.” It was essentially an iPad, but more 90’s-futuristic. It was exactly the same size, shape, and thickness of an iPad, but all black with red lettering. There were other similar props gathered around it, but that one stood out the most to me because of the name on it. The only thing standing between that prop and billions of consumer dollars was its complete lack of functionality. On the show, however, it was shown as having touch-screen controls and video display.

If you watch TNG, you’d see how everything was operated by touch screen video display, which were prone to exploding. Oddly, when the prequel series Enterprise came out, they lost that technology, although the show is set in the future and it was available when the show was produced. The only other input device on the Enterprise was operated by voice command, which is copied by the latest technology from Apple, Siri. Siri and the ship’s computer both work exactly the same way, except the Enterprise would respond properly.

Fifty Shades of the Olympics

Am I the only one that noticed the Olympic opening ceremony contained Harry Potter/Marry Poppins Slash fiction?

Seeing them both on stage together made perfect sense. Marry Poppins, of course, is a witch. No one likes to talk about her being a witch, but she’s a straight up witch. I don’t know how she came about her magical powers. Maybe everyone in England is secretly magic, or maybe she fucked the devil. What’s important is that she fits seamlessly into the Harry Potter universe.

Which brings up the possibility of erotic fan fiction.

On the note of popular fictional characters fucking, Fifty Shades of Grey is a multi-million dollar selling series of novels. They’re also, by all accounts, terrible. I personally have no clue what the fuck they’re about. Like literally no idea. All I know is that it includes boning and it’s basically fan-fic. I don’t even know what characters it’s purportedly ripping off. Given recent trends, I’d assume Dracula, because hey, “Vampires.” It’d be far more awesome if it was Oscar Wilde’s character, Dorian Gray, then the title would make sense, although using one of history’s most renowned homosexual’s character in an erotic novel intended for hetero, idiot women would be a stretch.

I’m all for ladies masturbating, but about twenty years ago, I started writing a book at the tender age of twelve. It was called, “Shades of Grey,” so I’m a little bitter. You can buy a copy on Amazon for Kindle, in it’s unedited format. I assure you it predates the erotic novel, but be warned: it has nothing to do with penises going into vaginas, but you can interpret it however you wish.

Obviously, I’m missing out on millions of dollar by not tapping into the lucrative “fan-fic” market. There’s no such thing as good fan-fic, of course, so quality doesn’t matter. What matters is not being sued senseless by Time-Warner and Disney.

Well too bad, mega-corporations, because I’m about to tear you a new asshole!

Tentative titles for my work:

Marry Poppins VS. Voldemort:

The Sexoning

Sex Hex

The Whoreacruxes

Marry’s-a-Poppin’

Good God, how do I do it?

Possible lines of dialogue:

“What a big snake you have.”

“Use your Elder wand!”

“I’m going to sweep out your chimney.”

“Just spoonful of sugar make the medicine go down… on you!”

“Your ass is practically perfect in every way.”

“Not having a nose makes it easier for me to stay down there.”

“ENGORGIO!”

“Use the umbrella!”

“Let’s have a pee party on the ceiling.”

“Two points for Slytherin!”

Did you cum yet? Then see a doctor.

Lingering Questions

One of the greatest mysteries about reality is reality shows.

Specifically one aspect of reality shows, beyond the fact that they still exist:

If you look at a show like Big Brother, or Survivor, there’s always one fact about their “guests” they never fail to educate the audience about, and that is their occupation. Their jobs are listed on screen virtually every time you see them, which is another weird thing. I understand the concept of making the show easy to pick up on for the flip-through audience by listing the names of the people on TV, but after thirteen hour-long episodes you should be expected to pick up their names on your own. Showing the person’s name every time the camera focuses on them is really saying something about the audience, and that is that they’re dumb as dirt.

Beyond that, why should we care what jobs these people have, or had? I say, “had,” because if they can afford to take the two months off work to dick around on a TV show, they likely didn’t have much of a career happening in the first place.

Still, every reality show insists on categorizing human beings based on their occupation. If you’re trying out for a contestant on the Bachelorette and your occupation isn’t C.E.O., doctor, or cowboy-strippergram, you’d best not apply. The same goes for the Bachelor, if of course, you’re the Bachelor. Who cares what he women on those shows do, since they’re expected to squeeze out babies for the remainder of their lives from the safety of their kitchens. The same concept applies for Rock of Love and the rest of those, “date a minor celebrity” show. The women are meaningless arbitrations. It doesn’t matter what they did for a living before going on the show, (one would assume they were groupies, strippers, or coke addicts), the only thing that matters is that they’re desperate and bitchy.

Similarly, being a housewife on, “The Real Housewives,” isn’t a prerequisite. A lot of the women on that show aren’t married and have careers of their own, making their, “housewife,” status absurd. The only thing that matters about them is that they have fake plastic boobs to go along with their faces, and that they are huge bitches.

Even shows like Wipeout, where the entire premise is for people to fall into a mudpit, people still have to have a clearly defined career. They can't be real homemakers, or between jobs, or work part-time at two different occupations, because that’d be confusing. They can’t have the lowlier jobs like, “fry cook,” or “night-shift manager at Bed Bath and Beyond.” Having a terrible job like, “bartender,” is perfectly acceptable though, because people think it’s fun. They can’t lie about what they do either, because the internet is obsessed with digging up every bit of dirt about people on reality shows, including their sexual pasts and every speeding ticket they’ve earned. Lying about being a junior accountant for a big firm when you’re really just a trash collector is as big an offense as lying about killing your best friend in a hunting accident, or being a member of a hate group.

The reason for all this is clear: we’re a classist society. Years of social evolution hasn’t elevated us past the point of the peasant/pauper relationship. Roles have changed, but prejudices have not. If you’re a blue collar worker, you’re supposed to be rooting for the blue collar workers. You’re also expected to pick winners based solely on a person’s occupation. If someone’s a college football star, they’re expected to win the pointless scavenger race as opposed to the day-camp worker.

The weirdest thing is: all of TV aside from reality shows explain to us how little a person’s occupation actually matters. Every workplace-themed sitcom from Cheers to The Office explains to us how wildly divergent people with the same occupation are. You shouldn’t need TV to know that, though, when you have real life. People have workplaces. People know how much everyone they work with sucks at what they’re doing. It’s life. What a person does for a living and how much that person is paid for doing it has little or nothing to do with that person. Stranger still, we know our managers and top-people are more likely to be raging sociopaths and brown-nosing toadies, but when we hear a person is Vice-President of a company we automatically have a better opinion of them. Why then, whenever we meet new people we ask, and are asked, “What do you do for a living?” Half the people out there jump from job to job, likely never keeping the same occupation for more than a handful of years. No one has a resume with just one job title on it, because that’d be stupid. People pity, “lifers.” You don’t actually respect a person more for working the same terrible job for dozens of years when you know for a fact that person’s lucky to even have a job.

Everyone on reality TV has the exact same occupation: reality TV star. It doesn’t matter if they’re Vanilla Ice and working on a construction site. They’re not former, “rappers,” or current, “construction workers,” they’re reality TV stars.

Why Does This Keep Happening?

 

Why do C-List celebrities keep getting arrested for masturbating in porn theatres? Why does no one hear about regular people being arrested for masturbating in porn theatres? They’re porn theatres, not the opera. Are there police on stakeout in every theatre? Who gets assigned that job? Is there a second officer undercover in the theatre to keep tabs on the first officer to make sure he’s not masturbating? Who gets paid to clean the seats after? Does that job have a high turnover/suicide rate? What do they tell people their job is? What are they paid?

Most importantly, why are there still porn theatres? Everyone has the internet. You can look at porn on the internet for free, in the privacy of your own room. You could technically look at porn in a regular theatre on your wireless device, thus making it a porno theatre.

Why do people go to porn theatres if you can’t even masturbate, or be arrested if you do? Where’s the fun in that? Are you expected to simply rub your chin and ponder the underlying themes of the plot?

Is there a concession in a porn theatre? Do all the popcorn buckets come with a hole in the bottom?

Mickey Maus

Ever notice Mickey’s ears? They’re iconic. Walt Disney designed Mickey so he’d be recognizable even in silhouette, and then he spent the rest of his life cramming that symbol down our throats with Mickey Mouse-ear hats, and hating the Jews. Look at Mickey closely in his cartoons, though. You’ll notice that no matter how Mickey turns his head, his ear will always be facing the same direction. It’s kind of like that whole, “Never changes expression,” meme, but with ears. Logically, his ears should overlap, or turn sideways at some point, but they never do. The reason is simple: Walt Disney is a lazy animator, who also hates Jews. His ears could be drawn by stencil, if need be. That helps a lot when you’re drawing the same image a million times, or rather your underpaid Korean assistant is.

It’s really weird though when you watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, a computer animated kid’s show. With computer animation, you don’t have to redraw the ears every frame. Still, they designed it so his ears are always two perfect circles, like a pair of boobs on his head. That means instead of using a very simple process to animate the ears, they had to program it so his ears wouldn’t move with his head. Essentially, they’re separate objects. It’s kind of hypnotic to watch. The only way to recreate it yourself is to stick one of those Mouse-ear caps on your head and hold it in place while you bob your head around, although why you’d want to do that is beyond me. I think they did the same thing with Minnie Mouse, but the bow on her head moves properly.

Back to the Mouse-ear hat thing: if Mickey were three-dimensional, his ears would be globes. He’s never depicted this way for one simple reason: it looks weird.

Wrong Side of the Sesame Street

Ever notice how Sesame Street is in a bad neighbourhood? Have you looked at the street itself. There’s bars on all the windows, first off. That means there’s a high crime rate. Maybe the Cookie Monster breaks into people’s apartments to get money to buy more cookies. He’s essentially a crack head, but with cookies.

Then there’s the street people.

There’s Oscar the Grouch, who live in a garbage can. There’s not an abundance of garbage cans or dumpsters, either, which means that everyone is expected to throw their garbage in the can on top of Oscar, who has a sick garbage fetish. The can itself is really just a disguised entrance to a vast underground area where he actually lives, like Hogan’s Heroes. The can is never emptied, either. That means, beneath the street is a garbage dump being maintained by a single, unpaid worker. There’s no telling how it go there. Oscar likely tunnelled into the sewer and subway systems. He could have broken into the power and water supply too, which explains how he’s able to sustain himself without having to leave his trash can. He’s not trained as an engineer, so his modifications could have dire consequences. He could have weakened the support structure beneath Bert and Ernie’s apartment building, causing it to eventually collapse.

Then there’s Big Bird, who lives in a back alley and has schizophrenia. He’s constantly talking to an imaginary friend Snuffleupagus that no one else can see. That means he has very serious mental issues which aren’t being addressed. The same could be said for Grover, or Super Grover (as he’d like to be called), who’s suffering from delusions of grandeur, possibly brought on by bath salts.

Then you need to factor in that there’s no traffic, despite it being an open street. That means no one wants to drive down there, perhaps for fear of being shot. That means there’s a lot of gang activity you’re not seeing.

Then there’s the kids, like Elmo, who have about zero parental supervision. They’re constantly being watched by random adult who live on the street, but have no ties to his family. That’s probably because they’re scared shitless someone’s going to come to their street and steal the kids, and they can’t call the cops to help because the police have given up on Sesame Street a long time ago.

Did I mention 50% of the people there are monsters? That bears mentioning. Probably all that trash Oscar’s squirreled away has caused mutations over the years. Or maybe Sesame Street is over the Hell Mouth.

Then there’s the humans who live on sesame street. There’s only one business, Mr.Hoopers, and aside from the people who work there, no one else seems to have a job. They’re all out on the street in the morning, or the middle of the day, meaning they don’t work. That means they’re probably on welfare. Plus, no two of them are ever the same race and only the celebrity guests are white. There’s about two red monster and two blue ones, meaning the monsters form the ethic majority. That means monsters control local politics. All laws are monster laws. That probably explains why there’s no garbage pick-up, police, traffic control, or school system. Did I mention there’s no school system? Little monsters like Elmo don’t go to school. They have to learn everything from the street.

Elmo, by the way, is a wizard. In the Harry Potter universe he’d be at Hogwarts. He has a magical crayon that he’s used to create his own world. That’s sorcery. He can even open portals by drawing doors or windows. His magic window in his apartment looks out a closed set occupied by Mr.Noodles and Mr.Noodle’s brother, Mr.Noodles. You never see those two on Sesame Street, where Elmo lives, which means they’re trapped in there. He’s captured them in another dimension, or maybe he conjured them up from the abyss. Plus, he can seemingly teleport himself into anyone’s kitchen where there’s a baby in a high chair, to ask the baby a question and then give them kisses. Elmo is kissing our babies whenever we turn away to make lunch in our kitchens.

Kid’s Show

Having spawned a new child I am now subjected to the rigors of children’s television once more. All the same shows with the first one are still there, but their apparent flaws are more pronounced.

No less than four shows are about rescuing animals. Diego is the leader of this pack, but at least he’s got the skills to back it up. If you ignore the fact that he’s an unescorted five-year-old staring down caiman and jaguars in the darkest jungles of the Amazon and the lesson this teaches you children about having more balls than brain cells and not to leave nature well enough alone, you’ll see he’s at least capable at his job.

The Wonder Pets are much, much worse. They’re three very unqualified pets who don unnecessary costumes and waste a whole lot of time in the process to save animals in peril. They travel by a sail-boat car they’ve made out of Mechano pieces, and the have to reassemble it every time they have to go out on a job. Again, this wastes valuable time that could be spent saving lives. Imagine if a fireman had to build his fire truck from scratch every time he heard the alarm. When they do get to the scene, they have no clue what the hell they’re doing. How could they? They’re baby animals. Why would you call a duckling, a gerbil, and a turtle for help? That’s worse than praying to a God you don’t believe in, because at least there’s a chance you’re wrong about the God. They even admit they don’t have a fucking clue, and then try several half-assed plans, all while singing songs about how they’re fucking up. In once scene, a bird in peril is clinging from the Statue of Liberty’s crown and it’s about to fall to it’s death. The duckling is flying around and singing. I repeat: the bird is flying around and singing, instead of using it’s flight to rescue the other bird, which should know it’s a bird. Only, none of it matters, because the animals they rescue aren’t even real: they’re just pictures hanging on a wall brought to life momentarily. That means whenever they finish saving the animals, the picture has to reset back to the moment when the animal was just about to die horribly, or otherwise the children that go to the daycare where they live would notice something was amiss.

The same thing happened on another shows 53 and Bird, where one bird gets trapped out on a lily pad and is about to sink and drown, due to poor parental supervision. Seriously, no one was watching her. One of the adult birds was taking a nap, and I don’t think the other one cared. Two of the adult birds and a child come up and try to see if they can reach her. The child bird suggests that he swims out to rescue her, and the adult birds tell him that it’s too dangerous, because water is apparently lava. They take an extraordinarily long time to find a boat and row out to her, all while singing. Of course, they’re all birds, and they can fly. Or swim. You’re either the type of bird that flies, or the type of bird that swims, or you’re dinner. There’s no a lot of playroom in the animal kingdom. I think it was trying to teach kids a lesson, but I have no idea what that lesson was. Basically, if your parents are negligent, you’ll die, kids.

Then there’s the Chinese Dora the Explorer, “Ni Hao, Kai Lan!” which tries to teach your children that the Chinese are taking over, and they must be ready to greet their new masters in their own language. Kai Lan is China’s single remaining female child after the One Child Law. Strangely, the show doesn’t take place in a sweatshop, or at the bottom of a river. Also, it has a koala bear, which is just confusing. I can’t say with 100% certainty that it is a koala: all I know is that it doesn’t belong in China, unless it’s in the #53 meal. One of the shows tried to teach kids that there was nothing wrong with copying someone’s work. The koala bear made a cake, and one of the other animals made the same damn cake. The tiger thought there was going to be a throw-down, but Kai Lan was confused by his reaction. Why would someone get mad if someone else completely rips them off? I was confused by this message too, because this pro-plagiarism stance was the exactly the opposite of what I saw in shows as a kid. I don’t know what He-Man’s thoughts on the subject would be, but I’m sure he’d be against it. So would G.I. Joe and Inspector Gadget. From TV, I knew if two girls show up to a party in the same dress, there’d be a catfight. Also, in school I was told copying someone’s work could get me expelled. From watching the F.B.I. and Interpol warnings on videos, I knew that copying someone else’s work could land me in jail. Kai Lan is from China, though, where they don’t just make bootleg Apple products, they make bootleg Apple stores. Making cheap imitations runs in Chinese blood. Like I said, the show itself is a rip-off of Dora the Explorer. It a message they’re passing along to kids to not be creative, and to just go with it if someone steals all their ideas and take credit. They’re softening up our kids for when they take over North America.

Speaking of drowning girls, there’s the Bubble Guppies. It’s pretty standard fair, but the show really illustrates one of the Hallmarks of Children’s Programming. I heard from one of the producers on Sesame Street was that the biggest challenge was making the characters like Big Bird easy for children to learn along with without making that character seem retarded. Even a child can want to punch a giant yellow bird in the face, and it’s a fine line between saying, “Big Bird, you’re so silly,” and, “What the fuck is wrong with you, you shithead bird? There’s obviously four red blocks!” The Bubble Guppies hasn’t learned this. One of the characters goes into a sports store and asks the clerk for a, “Big blue basketball.” The clerk proceeds to produce about ten items that are neither big, nor blue, nor basketballs. It’s like when you’re trying to explain your order to the drones at Taco Bell and running into problem after problem until you want to jump behind the counter and make it yourself. Eventually the character has the kids watching the show point to the appropriate item on the screen, because she’s too embarrassed for the clerk. She takes the basketball and leaves. Without paying, of course. This teaches our children that there’s a world of stupid, stupid people out there, and the world forces you to deal with them whether you like it or not. Plus, stealing is sometimes easier than paying for an item, not because of the cost of the item, because of the bullshit you have to go through at the cash register. Imagine if there was a line up in this scene. Imagine being the third guy in line. That’s the worst, because you can clearly see what’s going on, and knowing even after that clears up, there’s still another person in front of you, and they’re likely to pay in pennies.

Desilu

In the plot to, “I Love Lucy,” Lucy would come up with a zany scheme that would backfire horribly and then Rickie would shake his head and say, “Lucy, you have some ‘splainin’ to do.” Assumingly, he beat her off camera, as it was the '50’s and he’d be blacklisted as a Commie if he didn’t.

Lucy was always trying to find a new way to break into the Cabana Club where Rickie played, perhaps by hiding in his bongos. Strangely, going in through the front door never occurred to her. Rickie never wanted her to go to the Cabana Club, presumably because it was no place for lady, as it wasn’t the kitchen. How did they meet on the show then? Lucy was a ginger and Rickie was a Puertorican big band leader. Wouldn’t it make sense that Lucy came in to the Cabana Club and saw him play and it went from there? It’s not like a big band club in the ‘50’s was the toughest bar you could find yourself in. There’s probably rowdier tea shops.

I was thinking about how Rickie was so dead-set against Lucy showing up, and realized it was probably for the same reasons every musician doesn’t want their spouse showing up unannounced at their gigs: because they’re busy banging groupies. Rickie was probably showing his Little Rickie to all the ladies, and he didn’t want his wife cock-blocking him. When you think about it that way, dressing in drag to go to a shitty club with shitty music just to see your own husband play doesn’t seem so unreasonable.

Boob Tube

In my continuing struggle against reality TV, I fell to a vicious blow from one of the latest outings. There is now a show about a bunch of middle-aged goombas in the Bronx and their hideous mothers, called Momma’s Boys of the Bronx. Let me assure you that this is the worst thing ever.

From what I observed they took the most negative Italian American stereotypes they could find outside of the Jersey Shore and stuck them on a show. If the show set out to explore why grown men were still momma’s boys, it became readily apparent in one scene. One of the mooks had picked out a piece of lingerie and was going through the Bronx trying to find random women to put it on as their uniform for a cheerleader at a cannoli eating contest. I’m very certain that asking strange women to put on a see-through skirt to show off their “tasty cakes” is enough to get you arrested in most place. Not the Bronx, however. The mother, when told about these actions by her son, merely rolled her eyes… well “eye” is a better expression. She looked as if someone had melted “Mama Fratelli” from the Goonies with a blowtorch like in Hostel, or if she and Sloth had an incestuous love child.  That’s neither here, nor there, as it’s not, “Housewives of the Bronx,” which I’m sure is in the works, or “woiks,” as they’d call it.

The show progresses on to the climax of a cannoli eating contest, in which the momma’s boy did not win. Let me expand on that: let’s say you had a show about you. How sad would it be if the height of a show about your life was you losing a contest where you had to eat pastries? Surely, there must be going on in your life to justify a camera crew following you around 24/7. The man in question for all this is clearly a sexual predator looking to assault women on the street and in their places of business, and yet the most exciting thing he’s got going on is an eating contest in which he spent all episode building up to and didn’t win. Even if the cameras had chosen some other loser living with their mother, that person might have gotten a high score in Angry Birds, or masturbate the most is the span of a day.

He’s not the only “momma’s boy” on the show even. There’s like five more, and only eight confirmed episodes. None of them did anything to top that. It’s sadder than my own life, for God’s sake!

Storage

The other night I was struggling to find something to watch on TV and was assaulted by two storage auction-themed shows airing at the same time on channels one digit removed from each other. That means that as I flipped through, I saw something that angered me and immediately pressed the button again, only to find a slightly-different show with the exact same premise. It’s like how you’re trying to pick a radio station and they’re playing the same Lady Gaga song. More so: these were both half-hour block programs, and they were playing back-to-back episodes. Back-to-back episodes of any show are a clear indication that the station has completely given up on trying to be original.

The commercials for these shows were for mobile storage containers, which ironically is the worst idea for an advertiser. The shows are about how if you ever decide to place your items in a storage unit you will have your possessions sold off on auction. Basically: you’re paying people a monthly fee to not rob you and should you ever miss a single payment they’ll blatantly rob you then laugh about how much money they’re making off your useless junk. It’s like a mafia protection racket, only your thumbs don’t get broken.

It’s kind of sad how these units end up going to auction. Obviously, the people involved have some sort of monetary source as they’re sitting on thousands of dollars in merchandise. More likely the storage units are being used by people in retirement homes who’ve kicked the bucket. Taking anything from them is like robbing the dead.

Sadder still is how the people in these shows expect to make thousands of dollars selling rusty frames to ATVs. Not the ATV itself: the frame for one: as in a pile of tubes welded together and in quite poor condition as well. There should be a second show where potential buyers tell them to fuck off when they try to hock their veritable junk. These auction shows exist because of trend tied in with the economy. People are going broke. That means they don’t have the money to waste on these junky items the original owners didn’t care enough to spend the $1 to keep.