The Occultist

While watching youtube on my 360, I saw a corner advertisement for a seperate, unrelated video. I was watching a video about the Gamecube and it was trying to direct me to an "ad" for this:

The text for it read: "The Occult: Black Magic, Ghosts and Dungeons and Dragons," all of which is awesome, but you'll notice that the inclusion of, "Dungeons and Dragons" at the end is a dead-giveaway. This is a re-hash of the idea from thirty years ago that Dungeons and Dragons = SATAN! 

The arguement is this: If you've ever rolled a 20-sided die and crit an orc, you're definitely going to Hell. The people spouting off this argument have clearly never seen the game played. The objective is to kill the ever-loving shit out of anything resembling Satan, which would at best make him wary of recruiting you for his army of Hellspawn.

Also: This "ad" is over two hours. That's not an ad. That's a movie. It shouldn't take over two hours to tell someone Satan = Bad!

Quite frankly, I'm just upset about the misleading title. I expect a 1000% more awesomeness and maybe some boobs when you mash enough words together like, "occult," "witchcraft," "ghosts," etc. together.

The entire "video," is just this bullshit image. And one of the side-bar websites listed, "muslimhope.com," is a pro-Christian/anti-Muslim site bordering on hate-speech. Going to this site probably puts you in a goverment watch-list, or rather a more-specific government watch-list. That's the legitimacy of what's going on.

Looking at the comments section, I couldn't find one overty-ironic or negative comment, which means that the close-to 100,000 people "viewing" this are dead-serious about what a man with a name similar to "Weasels" has to say. Just like they're dead searious about this:

Apparently I was wrong this whole time. It's not, "Astral projection," it's, "Astro Projection." 

Like so.

Seriously, it's like a virgin trying to explain sex with all this junk about Ouiji boards and witchcraft. At least try to conjure one demon before passing yourself off as an expert. 

Holy Hollywood Hacker

The world was recently treated to unsolicited -but very much desired- nude photos of some of the most attractive women on the planet thanks to one enterprising individual, or individuals. The FBI are currently looking for those involved, but it's unclear as to whether or not they're going to arrest them or give them a medal. It's like Christmas for your penis.
Meanwhile, various news outlets are trying to play the blame game using every possible angle about the violation of rights and privacy. No one's really stopped to consider that we've pretty much seen these women 99.99% nude. Kate Upton's claim to fame is being as close as one can be to a centerfold without technically getting nude. She's something of an oddity in this day and age where anyone can access porn at any given time. I've been confused as to why people are obsessing over one semi-clothed woman in a sea of bare tits and labias. Obviously, I see the appeal, (her tits) but it's kind of a retro-hipster obsession. hearkening back to a Baywatch era, or maybe even Mariyln Monroe. The difference is that Baywatch stars and starlets like Monroe still did porn. Kate's kept clean, despite showing her nips through a wet T-shirt and such. Going from a semi-transparent top to no top isn't that drastic of a change for anyone.
As for Jennifer Lawrence, she was Mystique. She was basically nude already except for some blue paint. There's very, very little left to the imagination.
So why all the excitement? It's like the Kardashian, or Hilton scandals in reverse. Does anyone still look at those two and think about the cocks they've seen them take? Of course they do, but not 100% of the time. Most of the time they're just laughing at how fucking stupid and annoying they are. Jimmy Fallon isn't going to suddenly blurt out, "I saw your tits!" when he's interviewing Jennifer Lawrence, or call her movie, "Mocking BJ." Give people some credit.

Harlem Shake: A Study

I watched 37 minutes of Harlem Shake videos today, and I’ve began noticing trends within the trend.

The most common trend is outdoor Harlem Shakes in the snow with inadequate clothing, such as underwear and bikinis. The is likely due to the height of the Harlem Shake’s popularity landing in the dead of an especially harsh winter, combined with the drive to create the most “zany” Harlem Shake video.

The second most common trend is to ditch the authentic motorcross helmet used at the start in favour of an improvised mask or helmet, or nothing at all. I’ve seen people with boxes on their heads, Minecraft’s Steve masks, Halo helmets and Super Mario hats. Horse masks are very, very prevalent, as it is the internet. People are just slapping whatever they want on their heads and calling it in. There’s countless videos featuring sports mascots from every level of play as the starter.

With the crowds there’s two main types of groups. There’s either the minimalist with the smallest possible group of four or less, or maximized groups counting into the hundreds. There’s more than a few where it’s only one person, or a person with their cat, etc, with digital effects during the blitz to copy themselves. That’s very, very sad. It’s sad that they couldn’t find even one other willing participant when the only requirement is for that person to flop around like crazy.

I’ve only seen one non-participant in any Harlem Shake video. It was a Guido version, and they had a big fat bald dude in a white baseball shirt stand against the wall and take it all in, because he’s too gangsta to join in, or some shit.

The military is in full force. My suspicion is that every active soldier from the US has been in a Harlem Shake video. That goes for firemen too. For some reason, people in uniform do it better.

I’ve yet to see a person fuck up the “acting casual” and “not noticing” part of the first half of every Harlem Shake video. There was on unconvincing woman in a party setting, but that was it. For the most part, everyone in the world can act as an extra. Shakespeare was right about all the world being a stage.

Weirdly, the more the confined space the video is set in, the better it is. The original, the sequel, and one in a fire truck are three of the best. The first two took place in cramped apartments. Open fields and stadiums don’t do as well.

Every person with their own youtube channel thought it necessary to make a Harlem Shake video in their own niche. That’s why there’s numerous Pokemon Harlem Shakes.

As for subgenres, one of the weirdest involves pouring milk over yourself while dancing. Why? I’m not scientist.

As for copying dance moves, aside from the starter’s Humpty-Hump, the only major copiers are the upside-down feet-against-a-wall and people curled up on the floor and convulsing while furiously tapping away at their Macs. Of course there’s the bongo drums, but that’s a common enough go-to for dancers.

I’ve yet to see a Gangnam Style dancer in a Harlem Shake video. I believe the underlying fear is that a crossover could activate Skynet.

Halrem Shake videos are frighteningly prevalent. You could start watching them now, and never finish. By the time you’d reach the end, thousands more would have been uploaded, and so forth and so on. Where’s it all going? Remember, the only approved memes:

I’m not saying she’s a Goldfarmer…

Occasionally, I’ll venture into my junk e-mail folder to see if anything has fallen through the cracks, and I’ll see e-mails from this man:

Kim Jong Il. Or at least someone with the same grasp on the Engrish language.

“Der Players
You've been summoned back to Azeroth. Experience all of the new and exciting content that's been added to World of Warcraft? In the 4.2 game, Rise of the Zandalari, with 7 FREE days of game time for your account. Maybe you have experience. Simply (…) below to claim your free time... but act fast, as this limited-time offer will expire soon and friends in the game interaction.”

You see, I played WoW for a time. I wasn’t particularly good at it, and I quit. Why would I pay a monthly subscription fee when there’s so many things I could suck at for free? Still, constantly receive these e-mails from Goldfarmers trying to phish my account.

“Greetings!
When you take to the skies astride a blazing, eagle-winged lion, your comrades will know you mean business. Serious business. So saddle up, because this flying mount will travel as fast as your riding skill will take you, and it can even travel at 310% speed if you have at least one other 310% speed mount.

Once activated, this World of Warcraft in-game pet key applies to all present and future characters on a single World of Warcraft license.

we will be complimentary seat to the 5,000 players. You can log Web site application, we will be lucky players randomly.
Please click this link to apply”

Each e-mail includes a very dubious link. Should I click it, it would no doubt send me to a look-alike site where it would ask me to log in. Logging in is very crucial to their evil plan. Once they have my name and password, neither of which I can even remember anymore, they would hijack my account and then… What exactly? Like I said, I suck at Warcraft. Any gear my character has is garbage. It’d be like robbing a homeless person. I have no idea what my loot would go for in the secondary Goldfarming market, but I’m guessing it’d be less than one dollar American. Way to go, North Korea. You’re one step closer to buying that WMD.

The saddest part is how much effort they clearly try to put into making it all seem legit, and then they fuck up the grammar. I can’t tell if they’re being stupid, because a convoluted plan involving phishing into player accounts just so they can rob a virtual people and turn their in-game items into real-world money doesn’t seem entirely stupid. Seriously, if you can take virtual money and turn it into real cash, then you’re a fucking evil genius. Why do they include the bad grammar and typos, then? Is it so they can make fun of the people who do fall for these scams? Do they not spell-check their own spam? Are they already using their Engrish skill to the max, superfuntime? Or maybe there’s some poor kid in North Korea writing all these with a gun to his head, and he slips in these errors because he feels guilty about what he’s being forced to do? “Prease ret them notice my ellols,” he whispers under his breath, before his head is blown off by his cruel overseer and another boy is brought in.

Interesting….

I tried looking at my own blog just now to see if my last posting worked, and this is all I can see:

http://search.microsoft.com/?mkt=en-GB

Which is odd, because I’m using Google Chrome for a blog that’s a Google service.

I hope this gets cleared up. Looks like a hack job.

No.

What the sweet holy fuck? Look at this:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/miscellaneous/e9b4/?cpg=164T&link

These are 2-D glasses. They’re glasses designed for watching 3-D movies in 2-D. I have just one thing to say about that: No.
The 3-D movie fad is already peaking. Sure, there’s dozens of 3-D movies out this summer, but they’re all available in 2-D as well, and the 2-D costs less. Why would you go to a 3-D movie if you don’t want to see a 3-D movie?
Here’s how they work.

They’re basically 3-D glasses with the same lens in each eye. Brilliant.
Of course there’s families out there who have to take their kids to see fucking Rio, or Kung Fu Panda 2 in 3-D, or else they’re terrible parents. My wife always comes along for these excursions, but she doesn’t necessarily like 3-D. That’s because of the glasses, thought, which she has to wear over her regular glasses. A lot of other people get headaches from these movies. Then there’s people who just can’t see in 3-D.

Note to self: turn safe search back on before googling “Leela.” I know there’s an image out there of her using 3-D glasses, but I can’t be bothered to go through 80,000 images of fan-made porn to find it.
These fuckers cost $8.99 plus shipping and handling, though. So you’re basically paying the price of a ticket again to go and see a movie in a format you don’t want to see it in. I know this must be a niche product, and some people could actually use the convenience of not having their brains made to feel as if they were being sledgehammered through their skulls, but fuck.

Time Waster

I’ve been wasting my time writing blogs, as evidenced by this:

This is a video made by me, and it sucks. However, this video has received, at 10:00 p.m. Pacific Time, July 7th, 2011; 46,494 views.
My blog? 1,541.
So I can spend my time making stupid videos and get the population of a small town to watch them, or I can write this blog and get the population of a large high school to read it. I’m not bragging by any means. I simply find the statistics fascinating. My all time most popular blog post has received 504 views. My tenth most popular out of 241? 8. Why waste time on writing when I can use any crappy old cam and reach out to people using the same amount of my time?
Blogs and youtube videos are both in an abundant supply, but people would rather watch videos than read. Besides, youtube as a central site has a wider viewing audience. If you’re blogging, you’re doing it solo, or on one of fifteen or so different services, reaching out to a finite community and hoping people stumble upon you by typing the wrong thing into their search engine.
Why the hell did this video get so many views? Is it because it features a Queen song and hasn’t been torn down yet? Did my title or tags meet some kind of search criteria and people are coming to it by mistake? I have no idea. I don’t know if I’ll ever even get a chance to do another. It takes time to do something even this feeble, but it’d be interesting to try.

Twatter

It would appear as if my twitter account has been hacked! Is this the work of fames LULZ Security? If so, I am deeply honoured, and I tip my top hat to you. More likely, it’s some kind of exploit in the notoriously buggy twitter system. The fake tweet in question reads:

“WORK SUCKED TODAAAY :(( I wish i could be like this lady, shes a rolemodel!!http://tinyurl.com/3c6dzdx”

Obviously, you wouldn’t want to check that link. I know I certainly didn’t. Here’s what I don’t understand about spam like this: Why the poor grammar and nonsensicalness? “Work sucked today,” is something that a lot of people would tweet, so I don’t have any beef with that, except that it’s on my account and IT COULD GET ME FIRED. This is 2011, and people are fired over their tweets. I’ve read numerous articles about people making the exact same remarks on their facebook or twitter accounts, and being fired over them. Bear in mind: their bosses were assholes, and their jobs sucked because of it, but it still happens. So imagine being called into the office and having to explain your account was compromised. “That’s not my penis, it’s Governor Weiner!” (Which is my name for my penis.) I wouldn’t expect it to go over well. Why is it, “TODAAAY?” Am I supposed to be that whiny? No wonder I only have 54 followers.

After looking at my account, I have found that I’m currently following @Lulzsec, which has this as their profile:

“The Lulz Boat

@LulzSec

Lulz Security® (LulzSec), the world's leaders in high-quality entertainment at your expense”

Which is interesting because I never selected to follow them. So, yes, I have been compromised. By my estimation LULZ Sec has affected 1 in 100 people in the world by now given their numerous hacks. That’s quite profound. When you’re hacking at that level, you don’t get jail: you get a high paying job. And here I am with my pants down. At least they have a classy-looking mascot.

Ah, 2011, a good year.

But to continue with my analysis: “:((“ Who fucks up an emoticon? No one, that’s who. Dead giveaway. Then there’s this shit leading into the link:

“I wish i could be like this lady, shes a rolemodel” What? Does the internet hate apostrophes? They’re useful. Where does it lead? Goatse, Lemon Party, Rick Roll, or Chinese dong pills? Or maybe it just goes back to Lulz Sec to tell me I suck. I don’t need Lulz for that, thank you.

I can’t get a handle on these guys. Are they targeting people because they’re easy, or are they targeting people because they’re on their radar? How can a group who spends all day on 4chan stay this motivated in the face of adversity, aside from the pedophiles?

I’m on a Drug Called Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen claims to be, “Winning!” and that may very well be the case. Through sheer crazy, he may be close to winning the internet itself. It’s a precarious throne, one which Chocolate Rain and LOL Cat has held, only to be cruelly overthrown by the next contender. Charlie, however, has the tenacity to hold his position as King of all Webs.The dude holds press conferences every day to spew forth insane ramblings. Who else would get high on crank and shit on his own bosses for making sensible business decision, then demand a raise? Chuck Norris doesn’t even have those kind of balls, and he’s 80% balls, (the other 20% is his jean-clad legs for roundhouse kicking). The man is a new kind of crazy. That’s true. Professional psychiatrists can’t even diagnose him. Some people say he’s bi-polar, but even an institutionalized bi-polar patient can talk sense, in the form of shouting and crying. It’s like he’s taken so many drugs that his mind has crossed over into conceptual realities only Timothy Leary could imagine, but never reach. It’s almost unfathomable. If you take a microphone to a Bible-verse quoting crazy homeless person, the recordings would make better sense than this. If you look at the history of famous drug addicts, there’s Ozzy Osbourne, who doesn’t make sense when he talks, but that’s only because he’s mumbling British gobble-gook. A drunken Mel Gibson may slur his accent too, but you can still make out the phrase, “Dirty Jew,” and know it’s full intent. Charlie, on the other hand, even tweets crazy.
Here’s the most insane quote ever from twitter:

charliesheen Charlie Sheen
@
He had the Tigerblood... No doubt!! RT @Chupa72 The Babe's finest year. The Bambino was a level 100 Warlock sir. #Tigerblood
1 Mar Favorite Retweet Reply
Okay: let’s try to analyze this. “He had the Tigerblood…” Which is good, I suppose? Is his blood tiger-like, or did he drink Tigerblood as part of some pagan ritual? Was it striped? “No doubt!!” This phrase has only two exclamation points, as Charlie surmised it was worth more than one, but did not deserve the full three points, as tradition dictates. “The Babe’s finest year. The Bamino…” Ah! This is a reference to Babe Ruth. Fun fact: Charlie is an avid baseball fan. Now this is starting to make sense. “…Was a level 100 Warlock sir.” Now you lost me again, Sheen. A level 100 Warlock? Is this a reference to WoW, or D&D? Levels do not go up to 100 in those respective games. It’s as if he’s aware of these games and their basic structure, but has never played them personally. Or perhaps celebrities/crack addicts have their own expansion of WoW the average citizen doesn’t know about? Perhaps, more disturbingly, Sheen and Babe Ruth are in a secret society like the Masonites, and the Bambino had achieved the rank of level 100 Warlock. That’s not even a high rank in their clan destine organization. Sheen is a level 5.607/16th Paediatrician. That entitles him to free McLobsters.
Facts are facts: Charlie was able to write this after only a few hours on twitter. Some people spend years trying to shape a tweet like this. He didn’t even need the full 140 chars, and spawned about 15 memes. The man is breaking records left, right and centre. He’s at 1,300,000+ followers in less than a week. That’s about the same rate at which people lose interest in twitter altogether. It’s balancing out. If he went on myspace, people might even remember there is a myspace.
No matter how you put it, Sheen is winning. He can threaten to kill porn stars in his hotel room like a modern day Fatty Arbuckle, and still cash in million dollar cheques for not working. Deeply flawed contracts have him set for life. He can afford all the drugs he needs to fuel his tirades, and still fly around the world in his private jet with some cover girl from a chronic-themed magazine. Bear in mind: he’s a terrible actor on an overrated half-assed show about misogyny. I have a show about misogyny. It’s called, “My Life.” It hasn’t been picked up by CBS yet. Do people even watch that show for Sheen, or whatever hot chick his character is currently boning? People watch that show for the same reason old people watch Wheel of Fortune, because of Vana White. Ever watch that show with your dirty old uncle, who leans over and somewhat whispers something about, “Check out the gams on that broad!” Old people don’t know how computer porn works, and only get basic cable, so they have to make due with whatever glimpse of cleavage they can get, no matter how very sad that is. CBS is only viewed by old people. Old people still get horny. Two and-a-Half Men features four and-a-half boobs each episode. Ipso-factso: old people watch Two and-a-Half Men. It’s got nothing to do with Charlie Sheen being a movie actor. Name three movies with Sheen in them. No, that’s Martin Sheen. Try again. WRONG!
The worst part about all this is that five years down the line, Charlie will be the brunt of jokes on award shows the way Robert Downey Jr. is. The guy’s fucking Iron Man/Sherlock Holmes, and he still has to hear about his old cocaine habit and jail stint from some dude that fucked his kid’s nanny. Like half the audience isn’t on ‘cane. If you unscrew the bottom of an Oscar statuette, it’s filled with the white stuff. That’s the only way movies get made in Hollywood. So Downey did too many drugs and ended up taking it in the shitter from a guy named Bubba? Big fucking deal. He’s still Iron Man. You think Sheen could do what Downey does and not make it sad and a little scary? There’s no comparison, aside from the fact their lives are parallel.
See? What I just wrote there was rambling, and crazy, but it’s still not Charlie Sheen crazy. He’s like a Tigerblood fuelled Warlock.

LiveJournal Tags: Charlie Sheen,twitter,crazy,bad ideas

Sheengazm

Charlie Sheen has become an entity unto himself. If people aren’t talking about him, they’re talking about not talking about him. Certain talk shows, like Craig Kilbourne have set up “No Sheen Zones,” because they think it’s inappropriate to make fun of someone who’s obviously gone off the deep end.
Question: If it’s not okay to make fun of Charlie Sheen, then who can we make fun of? I was faced with this question once before in high school when I was forced into an assembly to listen to a drunken Indian tell me it’s not okay to watch Married With Children because poor people are poor. This is something that actually happened to me, and I wish to God I was making it up. A random dude wearing a bandanna was invited to speak at our school for some obscure reason. Likely it was part of his community service. He was probably high as a kite as he rambled on about how the show Married With Children was a bad influence. It was like a Scared Straight program where cons try to warn you off a life of gangs and drugs, only the person speaking was still on drugs and instead of speaking out against the ills of society, he picked a sitcom on Fox. He was talking about stereotypes being offensive, when he factually was a stereotype. It was like an irony sandwich. The entire basis of his argument was that it wasn’t okay to make fun of people for being living trainwrecks because he’d seen stuff, man. This presentation gave birth to the modern-day hipster movement.
To any and all people who think it’s wrong to hang on every moment of this explosion of insanity that is Charlie Sheen: this is as good as it gets. Life gives you lemons. Sometimes, those lemons turn out to be overpaid celebrity drug addicts. Use them. Take them in your hands and squeeze them. Feel the juice dripping down your palms. Breathe in the smell of crushed citrus, and feel alive. You are at the lemonade stand of life, my friend, but the sign reads, “Tigerblood 25 Cents.”
If you ever think you’re being depraved by revelling in someone else’s depravity, just step back a minute. Charlie Sheen is a no-talent actor on an overrated sitcom. It’s the highlight of his career, and it’s been a career based solely on roles where he plays himself. It’s like if you were to be paid a million dollar every time you read this blog with open disgust. You're just being yourself. Charlie Sheen is a drunken, drug addicted womanizer who’s had it too good for too long. He’s a generational dick-wad. The only reason he’s an actor at all is because his dad’s an actor. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and then he used that spoon to heat up heroin. Don’t pity him for a moment. Sure it’s tragic. I don’t mean 9/11 tragedy, I mean a literal tragedy, like Antigone. He’s being destroyed by his own hubris. It’s what God wants to happen, because God loves cartoon irony. His fat Irish head can’t handle the meth and whiskey anymore and his producers got tired of propping him up like he’s in Weekend at Bernie’s. He still makes out like a bandit. Charlie Sheen has pissed away more money than you, or I will ever see in our lives. Charlie Sheen has two million twitter followers. Imagine he had a dollar for every twitter follower. He has twenty-two times that amount of money, because every episode of Two and a Half Men got him a 1.8 million dollars. Have you ever watched that show? Have you ever said to yourself, “This guy isn’t being paid enough!” Jerry Seinfeld was making obscene amounts of money before he retired gracefully, but he still wasn’t banking that kind of dough, and he’s still living comfortably a decade or so later with his antique car collection. He still makes off like a bandit for being fired. If you’re fired for showing up to work high, your golden parachute isn’t going to inflate. He’s trying to sue them now for 1/3rd of a billion dollars. What could he possibly do with that amount of money? Take Scrooge McDuck swims?
Fuck Charlie Sheen. He’ll enjoy it. The guy is walking syphilis.
Back to my earlier question: If we can’t make fun of Charlie Sheen, who can we make fun of? The dude’s obviously unfazed by anything anyone has to say about him, and there’s a lot being said. He’s Hulking out on it all. He’s on top of a building waving a machete around and drinking Tigerblood, which could be actual tiger blood. Like I said, he’s got that kind of money. It could me Mike Tyson’s tiger from The Hangover in that bottle. There’s a difference between making fun of Charlie Sheen and a teenage girl, and that’s the fact Charlie Sheen won’t end up vomiting in the bathroom, crying hysterically and cutting himself because you called him fat. When he does that, it’s because he’s having a bad trip, and not because of what you said. He’s got thick skin, which would explain his fat Irish head.
Plus, let’s face it: you’re a terrible person. You need to make someone worse about themselves to make yourself feel better. The farther Sheen falls, the better it is for you, until you have a Sheengazm.

LiveJournal Tags: Charlie Sheen,tigerblood,fail

Disambiguating Twitter

LiveJournal Tags: twitter

I’ve been on twitter for a few months now without any real interest. It’s really more of an app than a site, but it’s fast becoming a part of life. With any new site, however, there’s a period of bizarre happenings that turn most people off. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
Twitter differs from other social sites as you are more the hunter than the prey when it comes to spam. You’re not being constantly messaged about dating websites and boner pills, but instead you’re being “followed” by shills using fake profiles. Most of the time, you won’t even know the exist, because they’re not interacting with you directly. It’s only when you delve into your list of followers. Over half of them will be fake. These non-persons are easy to spot, as they’ll be following +1,000 people and have 0 tweets. That’s just lazy, especially considering the average tweet is about coffee selection. As a business model, spam isn’t exactly the way to win over customers. The spammers on twitter are even less effective, as they attempt to lure you in. In order to fall victim, you must first check your list of followers, scroll over their profiles, which will invariably feature a picture of some moderately attractive chick that’s been cut and paste off of another site (I wonder if these chicks ever get spammed by their evil doppelgangers? That’d make a good short story. Note to self: I like Swiss cheese, but not the Swiss.) Their profiles will have a link to a pay site for porn, or some shit. Who knows? The lasting effect of all this is that you may get fifteen new followers a day. A day later, they’ll all be gone, as they’re removed by the moderators. So you’re only as popular as you fit into someone’s demographic.
Another weird thing? Being able to follow a celebrity’s every random thought. I’m not talking about big “C” celebrities, I’m talking about M.C. Hammer and Demi Moore. You want to know what Demi Moore tweets about? It’s like reading a bored 20-year-old stay-at-home’s facebook update. Some of these small “c’s” are as cool as shit, though, like Felicia Day from The Guild. The best part, though, is when two of your random favourites interact with each other. I was reading one my favourite comic book/fantasy authors Neil Gaiman chat with Frances Bean: Kurt Cobain’s daughter. That kind of awesomeness can pull the universe apart, and then out will pop Morpheous wielding a blue guitar. 

Technorati Tags: twitter

Another thing: twittering a compliment/complaint about any business will cause more of a reaction than a bomb threat. Companies care more about these tweets on the internet than actual customers who are physically at their stores. Best Buy is apeshit insane over tweets. I can’t prove if anyone’s ever been fired over a customer tweeting a complaint about an employee, but I bet it’s happened. At my job at Home Depot we have Home Depot “TV” playing in the break room, showing us tweets people have made about our business as if it’s somehow a justification for everything we do. Then they talk about NASCAR, because the head office is in Georgia.
I was just at the liquor store, and in their flyer it’s asking people to follow them on twitter for updates on new sales. …They’re targeting internet nerds and offering them cheap deals on alcohol. They know their customers well.
The most messed up thing I’ve seen lately is a twitter-ladden episode of rerun of Fringe. If you’ve ever watched “Pop-Up-Video” it’s basically the same idea. Tweet boxes pop-up on screen with the cast answering questions and chatting with one another like any other geek on a messenger service. It’s pretty damn distracting, as these boxes take up half the screen, and there’s a lull between tweets. So these stale messages just stay on screen for ten minutes after the scene in question is over. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an interesting idea, but it needs tweaking. The end result is like reading the transcript for a director’s commentary with cast and crew.

Comicdom I

Over at a website I frequent called toplessrobot.com a question was posed, “What is the worst single issue comic you’ve ever read?” A daunting question if there ever was one, especially given all the issues I’ve poured over the years from my adolescence to adulthood. The example given for worst issue by the blogger is issue 10 of “Secret Origins,” by DC Comics, featuring the Phantom Stranger, dated Jan. 1987.

Shortly thereafter, I came across the exact issue via a torrent by pure happenstance. Perhaps another reader of this blog posted it to back the article’s claims. Or else it was perhaps of the author of the comic and the coinciding popularity of one of his projects. The author’s name? Alan Moore. Author of the Watchmen, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, and Hellblazer. I mention these works because every one of them have been turned to film. Audience will know “Hellblazer,” better as, “Constantine.” Six comics, six movies; two of which were terrible.
It is because of these works, and many others, that Alan Moore is one of the most respected writers in the industry, despite his certain eccentricities and his failure to “play ball,” as it were. While having huge commercial success in Hollywood, Alan distances himself as far as possible from his movie adaptation, often times trying to sabotage or ignore the productions.

So a man who tries to approach the ridiculous topic of men in tight spandex upper-cutting crooks and criminals in a thoughtful, and intelligent manner must be above reproach.
Wrong.
“Secret Origins,” issue 10 is an example of how one author can fall into the dangerous traps of placing one’s face firmly between their own butt cheeks and proceeding to immerse their entire heads into their rectums.
I'm only four pages in, and I'm already finding it abhorrent with it's obvious use of parallels between the "Subway Angels," (a rip-off of 80's style Neighbourhood Watch gangs with an attitude) going down into underground New York to find new recruits vs.. Ertigan the Angel trying to win support in Heaven for a rebellion against God pre. Satan getting cast into Hell. "Angels" and "angels?" Rebelling? Going into the hellish "underground?" That's only four pages. That's a short amount of time to get so far, far up one's ass.
The fact that Phantom Stranger is dressed in a blue suit with a flowing cap and gold clasp and chain walking around the streets of New York at night and no one seems to notice, or care, or mug him for said gold clasp is quite astonishing.
There's been a recurring trend in comics for decades now with writers involving the homeless and "Chuds" in their stories. It goes beyond the Morlocks in X-Men. I once read a hardcover Spider-Man novel featuring Venom (which is probably still in my possession somewhere), which is centred entirely around Chuds. I can also remember a Venom mini-series where he goes underground and becomes some sort of protector of the Chuds. Then there's Spawn, (*shudder*) who's the protect of all these bums in whatever the hell that alley was called. The common theme is how the writers build up some kind of sympathy for the plight of the homeless, then instil a sense in you that you should put your comic down and take to the streets to help these poor, innocent people... who will probably stab you. Now, this is a noble ideal: but it's an ideal firmly imbedded in one's ass. The writers, thusly, -if they can even be called that- have their own heads in their asses.
Secondly, if you're trying to retell Paradise Lost, and you're not John Milton, or an English teacher teaching their class about John Milton, you probably shouldn't attempt it. You also probably shouldn't add small "b"-List super heroes like Phantom Stranger and Ertigan the Demon to the story as well.
Further proof of bad writing is immediately evident on the second panel, which features the word: "jive." I realize this is written in 1987, but still... but still…

Beyond that, the artwork is commendable, especially for the title page. The moody subways setting adjacent to pages of Heaven show a broad range. It nearly redeems the subject matter at hand.
All in all, it looks like Alan Moore was trying to stuff 20 gallons of shit into a one gallon milk jug.
This pretentiousness frequents many of his works. Take for instance either “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” or, “From Hell.” Both works borrow classical characters like Allan Quartermain  and Jack the Ripper. Now: a comic author working for a major company by necessity must borrow another’s character and make it their own. If you’re writing for the Amazing Spider-Man, odds are you’re going to have to put Spider-Man in there. Alan Moore does this with every character he can find, or get his greasy hands on. He’s basically a home wrecker of fictional characters.
Then there’s the subject matter he often implants in his comics to make them, “edgy.” Most writers just slap in some scenes of extreme violence. Maybe some major character dies, or the protagonist comes within seconds of killing someone with their bare hands. Alan Moore puts rape in his comics up the whazoo. How much?
The Watchmen: super hero on super heroine rape.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: man on Invisible Man rape.
From Hell: rape and murder.
V for Vendetta: attempted rape of a 16 year-old.
There’s more, of course, but I can’t be bothered to find it all. He even wrote a series where classical children’s characters like Alice from Wonderland and Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz went around fucking everything. I’m sure there was some rape in there as well.

That's not a gun in my pants, that's a sword in my belt.

LiveJournal Tags: beltswords

Did you know that you can create new invention simply by rearranging words in an existing products? That's what the makers of the belt sword did. It's not a belt for your sword like back in olden days, because that shit doesn't cut it in the 21st Century. This is a new product, featuring revolutionary scrap sheet metal technology. It's a belt that bends around your waist, ready to be released at a moment's notice, or without any notice at all when you bend over to pick up the newspaper and it rips out of it's sheath.

In the realm of concealed weapons: there are swords in canes. Putting a sword in a belt is the next logical step.
Honestly, though, this is the worst thing since sliced bread. First off: why do you need a sword, especially one that's going to break in ten seconds? Is it for self defence? What kind of fucked up fantasy world do you live in where you have to constantly fend off attacks with a sword? Here's what would happen if you ever pulled out a belt sword in public: you'd be killed. Either the guy trying to mug you is going to kill you, (because it takes like 1/2 a second to get over the surprise of someone pulling out a sword, and another 1/8th of a second to squeeze a trigger) or the cops will just shoot you later. You might even kill yourself, because this thing doesn't look safe at all. What are you going to do: just casually kill someone and then put the sword back? You don't think anyone would get suspicious seeing some dude all decapitated (assuming this piece of crap can cut through a neck, or even pierce the skin) and then seeing you all covered in blood? What about a sword-on-sword fight? Your piece of tinfoil isn't going to cut it, Aragorn.

You can't even L.A.R.P. is this thing. Do you think your D.M. is going to allow belt swords? Fuck no.
Do you think you're going to sneak this thing on a plane? You're going to have to take your belt off for the metal detector, and no matter how dumb that lady from security is, she's going to take one look at that belt and cuff you.
Also: Why are you trying to sell sword using trannies?

Are you trying to feature one of the belt swords advantages? Do-it-yourself sex-change operations? Because let me tell you: This sword will cut your dick off. That blade is coming out right above your Doc Johnson and the Boys from Berlin, and it's not going to get along with them. Not at all. You shouldn't be surprised when you're trying to impress your friends in their parent's basement by showing them your new toy, and your dick comes flying off. After all, you're whipping out a piece of razor-sharp sheet metal from around your waist, and you're a bit of a fatty.
What happens if it's Thanksgiving: you've just finished dinner and you're leaning back in your chair and undoing your belt buckle. All of a sudden, your sword springs out of it's own accord and spikes through Aunt Gertrude's eye. Me: I'd play it cool, and ask, "Where the fuck did that sword come from? It must be ninjas!" Then, pretending to fear for my own life, I'd make my escape. Your Cousin Billy saw what happened, though, and he'll have to be dealt with: only, your belt sword is in your Aunt's face. What do you do now, hot shot? What do you do?
Shoot the hostage.

Aha!

Today's Penny-Arcade comic made me realize one of the reasons why Penny-Arcade is so popular, beyond the gaming references and poop-jokes. No, it's because there's a full-page blog explaining the concept behind the comic itself, along with a forum page and the occasional podcast, which without the jokes would barely make sense if not for the word, "Fuck." I was reminded of this mainly because the comic makes no sense by itself. There's three panels. Panel One: a man is dragging a PS3 by a rope. Panel Two:  A man wearing a Killzone-style mask is dressed like Moses, holding his hands aloft. I recognize this mask only because I was one of the few people playing Killzone on my PS2, while normal human beings with Xboxes were playing Halo.
Both games are highly overrated, in my opinion. I only recently purchased Halo and Halo 3, and have only played them sparingly. I think I've played less than an hour combined. It's a first-person shooter in which you can't aim properly at your intended target because you have no zoom or scope, plus your enemy has a fucking force-field all the fucking time, so you can shoot them point-blank in the fucking face fifty times, and nothing will happen. It's like the game has a glitch, only it's an integral part of the game design. Killzone and Halo 3 are completely similar in that the online matches rely entirely on the participants making a mad-dash to the level's secret weapons cache and then blowing the enemy away with ridiculously overpowered guns. Skill is determined by how fast you can find these weapons and how long you can keep them. It's kind of opposite to other online shooters like SoCom and Call of Duty, where you go into the match with pre-determined weapons, and the game because more about vantage point.
Panel Three: The same character throws red-ringed XBox 360s into a pile.
The joke?
It's in there, somewhere, but you'll have to read three paragraphs at least and click on two hyperlinks and watch a youtube video to understand it. This is comedy in the 21st Century.
This is a common occurrence for Penny-Arcade, and it would probably be difficult for most new readers to get into the series based on it. You have to understand that usually the new comic will go up first, and then about four hours later there'll be the integral news story behind it. You usually have to read the entire story before clicking on the comic link, which is why the front-page will always be the news post. Some people might not even realize that Penny-Arcade IS a comic from their site-layout.
But I like the idea of there being a reference to draw off of. Imagine how much better Far Side by Gary Larson would have been if someone had fucking explained it to you. "Okay, there's a snake in a spaceship, right? And it's trying to abduct these cows, which are running on two legs. Hmm... You should just smile and nod your head." I personally always get pissed off at political cartoons that reference news stories from eight days prior that were buried in the back of the paper, and there's no other source to draw on to understand what you're looking at. "Okay, there's this guy with big teeth in a suit, and he's riding backwards on a donkey, and Obama is laughing at him. Also, Obama is dressed like Mohamed and holding a bomb. Hmm... This could be trouble." It's like listening to Dennis Leary's stand-up: it makes you feel stupid for not immediately recognizing the most abstract and elusive reference.
Family Guy is starting to lose most of it's appeal based on this kind of referencing. It like watching a movie-trivia quiz show now more than a cartoon. I can get about 95% of the references off the bat, but some take months, if not years, for me to acquire. I always wished that somewhere on the DVDs, such as in the commentary section, they'd elaborate and explain which movie or TV show they're quoting, but often the writers and creators are just as confused. "I don't remember which, but it was definitely from some 80's movie," I've head them say.
MADDENING.

Technorati Tags: Penny-Arcade,comics,webcomics

Islam Light: Same Great Taste, Less Calories.

LiveJournal Tags: news,politics,religion,DS,toys

Why am I just learning about this, and why do I have to hear it from Penny-Arcade? Is a webcomic about how crappy video games are my best new source in this day and age? A woman claims her daughter's talking baby doll and Nintendo DS both contain the message, "Islam is the light," and she's completely outraged. If they were saying, "Jesus is Lord," I suspect they'd already have a shrine erected with worshippers in the thousands flocking to catch a sight of the sacred idols and rub their leprous wounds on them in the hopes that they will be cured. No one's claiming it's some sort of Islamic terrorist conspiracy, but the subtext basically screams it. In Obamerica, (TRADEMARKED!) people write their racial slurs between the lines instead of on the walls of synagogues.
There's always been urban myths about talking toys like the Cabbage Patch Kids or Spider-Man action figures saying Satanic messages. It's a nice change of pace for a doll to give a positive message about a respected religion, except it's being treated as though it were just as evil because it's not about Jesus. Why shouldn't there be Islamic-based toys, save for the reason that it will outrage Islamic extremists and Bible-thumpers alike? A Mohamed action figure could likely bring about World War III jihad-style, even if it came equipped with a convertible that transforms into a helicopter and rocket launchers. Jesus could ride shot-gun, with a shot-gun, and they could fight crime Miami Vice style.
There's so many differences between Christians and Islam that I don't see any reconciliation in the form of hot-shot detective partner action figures. One group thrives on tacky religious souvenirs like dashboard-mounted Virgin Mary bobble-heads, and the other rejects all forms of commercialism, and even cartoon depictions of their Prophet. If only they would sell-out, we could have a free market where Mohamed holographic place-mats were the norm. Think of all the money the Chinese could make selling their junk to the Middle-East!
So if you're calling for a boycott on toys bearing the message, "Islam is the light," and start burning them in public squares, regardless of the toxic fumes being emitted, does that mean you don't think Islam is the light? Are you anti-Islam. Better tread lightly, outraged mothers of America. Osama could put a jihad on you. Al-Queda will suicide bomb your Tupperware parties. 

WTFacebook?

I don't understand the advertising on facebook.com. They've collected all this personal information on me and try to directly attack me with related advertisement. Only: it doesn't work. I see ads for 6' tall men's jeans (I have like 30" legs, so that's not for me), and ads for books called, "A Life Work Living," a self-help guide. My life is most definitely not worth living. I've made this clear. My life's made this clear as well. There's also ads for Arrested Development T-shirts. I like Arrested Development, sure, and I like shirts, but not necessarily the two of them together.
The worst was an ad entitled something along the lines of, "X-Men vs. G-Unit. Who would win?" What? What the fuck? You're wondering who would win in a fight between borderline retarded gangsta rappers and fictional comic book super hero mutants? I've often wondered who would win in a fight between Captain Crunch and Count Chocula, but that's just fucking ridiculous. Fuck you. The X-Men would win. I'm talking about an actual comic book, not even the fictional characters. Just roll up the comic and throw it at them. It'll kill one of those dumb fucks and the rest will make and album about it.