Batman’s Parents

I was thinking about the iconic death scene of Thomas and Martha Wayne that forever altered the life of young Bruce Wayne and lead him to become Batman, and how it made no fucking sense whatsoever.

The story itself -like common folklore- has been changed many times for comic reboots, movies, television and video games, but the general facts remain the same. Thomas, Martha and Bruce Wayne leave a theatre (usually a movie theatre playing “The Mask of Zorro,”) and take a shortcut down Crime Alley, where Thomas and Martha are robbed and murdered. The criminal (usually a common street thug with the unlikely name of Joe Chill), grabs Martha’s necklace and breaks it, then shoots both of Bruce’s parents.

Now: Thomas Wayne is a well respected doctor and one of the richest men in America. At the time he’s a millionaire and by today’s standards he’d be a billionaire. He’s one of the most recognizable men in Gotham, if not America. Thomas and Martha are a power couple, with Martha coming from “old money.”  Still, it’s possible that your average thug wouldn’t recognize them, even if they’re in all the papers. He could be out of touch with the media, or it might be too dark in the alley. He’d only notice they were dressed too well for the neighbourhood and rob them.

The baffling thing is why Thomas or Martha would put up any kind of resistance that would warrant them being shot. Thomas is a millionaire. A millionaire. The money he keeps on his person wouldn’t be worth a millionth of his fortune. Martha’s pearls, which get her shot, could be replaced as easily as Marge Simpson’s in the one episode where it’s revealed she has a whole drawer full of them. With Thomas’s influence, he could have every cop in the tri-city area hunt down the criminal and get the pearls back for him. He even has connections with the mob family, the Falcones, as he once saved the Don’s life. Both sides of the law would be on him like flies on shit. They could have just given him the pearls, and gotten Alfred. Alfred himself is combat trained in the British army and much younger at the time. In all likelihood, Alfred himself could have gotten the criminal single-handedly. He might have even carried a gun in the glove box for safety. In any event, the situation could have played out much differently.

Still, Thomas and Martha throw a fit and get shot. Maybe they deserved it? No reasonable person with as much wealth as they had would put up a fight in that situation. They’re like the Trumps.

Also, why were they at a movie theatre dressed to the nines? They have a private theatre in their mansion. You don’t run into Bill Gates at the grindhouse. It wasn’t even the good movie theatre; it was the one next to Crime Alley. That’s it’s literal name, “Crime Alley.” It even has a sign saying, “CRIME ALLEY.” They ducked down CRIME ALLEY wearing enough jewels to feed Africa. The average person might be tempted to rob them in that situation.

Like I said, the story’s been changed a bunch of times to suggest it was a conspiracy to assassinate the pair and destroy Gotham, but still… What the fuck were they thinking? I’m surprised Batman didn’t start a campaign to stop stupidity.

In many versions of Batman, he NEVER finds the man responsible. In one version it’s Joe Chill, in another it’s the Joker, but in the longest running version up until a few years ago he never finds out who did it. It’s not like he’s the only one trying to solve the crime either as the “World’s Greatest Detective.” As one of America’s greatest unsolved crimes there’s likely hundreds of people involved in the investigation, including three Robins. Commissioner Gordon himself keeps a tab on the case and follows up on any leads. With all of Batman’s skills, training, money, and connections to people who can see molecules, read minds and travel through time, he never solves the case. He even has a super-fan from another dimension called Batmite, who can alter reality and knows everything about Batman. You’d think he’d help out. Any member of the Justice League, the Outsiders, the Justice League International, the Teen Titans, the Titans and even some of his villains like the Riddler would be more than willing to help him solve the case. The Martian Manhunter alone could probably crack the case in a few hours.

Seriously, he has a database in his Batcomputer he pours over every night. It has facial recognition technology and can finger a perp instantly. His parent’s murder is permanently etched in his mind, a mind which he’s honed into a weapon to fight crime. He has complete access to Gotham’s police files, as well as the FBI. At no point while looking over any of these files does he recognize the man who killed his parents. It’s completely implausible. I’m not even sure what stance the New 52 has on his parent’s murder, and they’ve even tried to resolve how Batman never deciphered the Joker’s real identity… kind of. Batman claims to the Joker he knows who he was before, but the Joker throws himself off of a cliff to avoid hearing it. Then they reveal that the Joker knew who Batman was for years and years, but didn’t care.

Why is there such a glaring oversight in the Batman cannon? There was always a sense that one day they’d do a sweeping story arch that would finally reveal the secret truth behind his parent’s death, like how in the Batman movie it was the Joker, or in Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins it was Ra’s Al Ghoul, but that never came to be. The best answer is that it was Joe Chill. In one Silver Age comic, Batman tracks down the crook who killed his parents and… kind of scares him. That’s as exciting as that got. He told the dude he was keeping an eye on him.

From the outset, it seems like Joe Chill is the dumbest criminal who ever lived. He created the world’s biggest control freak/superhero and made about $50 in the process. Way to be. Yet, things turn out pretty decent for him considering. In some versions he avoids jail. In others he works for the Joker as a henchman, and in other versions still he becomes a small-time crime boss. In Nolan’s version, Bruce intends to kill him, only to witness him being murdered for turning snitch. Still, in his earliest days, Batman was fond of dumping criminals in vats of acid, with varying results. Joe Chill managed to kill his parents and avoid that fate.

Super Spock

Composite Superman has green skin so you won’t mistake him for the wrong person at the right angle….

I was trying to decide if the reboot Spock was more like Superman, or Batman, and I decided he’s more like Composite Superman, which as you know is a cloned zombie Superman and Batman stitched together. Why? Let’s go over the checklist of what they have in common:

Superman:

• Alien
• Home world destroyed
• Super strength
• Wears blue
• Mild mannered
• Believes in truth
• Weakened by radiation

Batman:

• Saw mother die
• Will break your arm
• Logical
• Shows little emotion
• Control freak
• Knows an unbeatable fighting technique
• Bitchin’ ride

Red Robin Down

The biggest event in comics right now is the death of Damian Wayne, a.k.a. Robin, which seems to be putting Batman back on track for his Dark Knight days. Damian is the fifth chronological Robin, and aside from being Batman’s flesh-and-blood did nothing to really distinguish himself during his career. Out of all the Robins, his very existence is the most baffling. He’s a ten-year-old ninja assassin, with the absurdities of him being able to fight psychotic killers and super villains being explained away by his, “training.”

First off, this seems like they’re re-hashing old plots. Jason Todd, now the Red Hood, was killed off in a similar fashion, but his connection to Batman’s character was little more than him acting as a substitute. Audiences hated Jason, so much so that when offered the chance to kill off the character by phoning in with their votes, they clogged the lines. Jason and Damian are essentially the same character. They’re whiny and feel underused, they’re prone to extreme violence and even go so far as to murder some of their opponents, in complete contrast to Batman.

Damian’s death comes immediately following the, “Death of the Family,” which held up a Batman comic tradition of being a complete cop-out. The entire saga seemed as if it was setting up for a major Batman Family character to die, with the most likely candidate being Alfred. In the end, though, everyone emerged unscathed. A few scarce issue later, Damian dies in an unrelated story. The same thing happened with, “Batman R.I.P.,” a series that promised to be Bruce Wayne’s last. He didn’t die during this series, however, but in the co-current series, “Final Crisis.”

Now the focus is on who’s going to be the new Robin. There’s already three Robins in circulation: Nightwing, Red Robin, and the Red Hood. The only other character in comics to have someone else take up their mantle so many times is the Green Lantern. There doesn’t need to be a Robin, but a new one always emerges. That was even part of the after-glow of the notably Robin-less Dark Knight movie trilogy, which sets up a possible Robin spin-off.

Robin, himself, whoever he or she, or it may be at the time, has never made sense as a character. It makes sense that Batman in his quest to rid Gotham of crime would look beyond his own years for a successor, but the whole, “Robin,” persona hasn’t. Dick Grayson chose to be Robin based on his life in the circus as a flying acrobat. A famous flying acrobat, from a family of acrobats, who were murdered in Gotham. He wears the exact same costume and performs the same stunts in the same city where his family was murdered while fighting evil geniuses who can’t put two-and-two together. The only thing disguising him is a Domino mask. Literally anyone could see through his disguise, but amazingly the only person ever has been Tim Drake, who then became Robin. The need for each ensuing partner of Batman’s to wear the same disguise, other than it’s ready availability and tricking dumber criminals into thinking Robin might be an immortal has been questionable. Batman basically forced Jason Todd to wear the costume to get back at Dick Grayson for quitting. Tim Drake was a Robin fan. Stephanie Brown was Tim Drake’s girlfriend. Damian wore the costume to basically spit on all the other Robins for pretending to be Batman’s true heir.

Why would the next Robin want to be Robin? Right now the popular front-runner is a street girl named Harper, who pretty much has nothing going for her except being a fan favourite.

Meanwhile, Damian “death” is questionable at best. Being genetically enhanced, rumours of a clone are already spreading. Plus, he’s Ra’s al Ghoul’s grandson. One dip in the Lazarus Pit and he’s back.

Which leads to the real issue. Batman is only Batman to get back at crime for murdering his family. As an adult, he now has a family of his own. He has the resources, the ability, and connections to ensure his current family’s safety no matter what. Batman himself has been dead, and lost in time, and then came back. Jason Todd was dead for decades and then came back due to a reality-changing event. Why would he, or we, assume Damian was lost?

Not Wheelchair Accessible

 

This Professor Charles Xavier.

This is his school for, “Gifted Youngsters.”

Charles Xavier has been crippled for most of his adult life and has a net worth of millions, if not billions. His School for Gifted Youngsters has been modified to include an underground hanger that exits thought a fold-away tennis court, or alternatively through a waterfall. The facilities themselves have been destroyed and rebuilt numerous times. At no point has there ever been a wheelchair ramp. There are elevators, which can take him into the sub-basement where he houses Cerebro, but he can’t get up the front steps.

Similarly, he’s often found to be addressing the public, but while he may take the Blackbird on covert missions, he’s unlikely to fly it out to meet with the U.N., as it’s highly classified and illegal. He doesn’t have a handicap van.

How does he get around then? Does he have Collossus carry him around everywhere? For a long time in the 90’s he had a hoverchair made with Shi’ar technology.

Look how bulky that thing is. That’s like driving an electric car. Doors would have to be at least 4’ wide for that to squeeze through. Also, when people see a school teacher in a hover chair, they’ll start to ask questions like, “Where’d he get a hover chair?” and, “How do I get a hover chair?” Professor X has technology that will help cripples the world over, and he’s not sharing it. Professor X is a dick.

The X-Men are supposed to be a group of misfits, and Professor X’s wheelchair bound status is supposed to invoke sympathy in the reader. No one in the world is less inconvenienced by their disability than Professor X. Cyclops, for instance, can’t take off his ruby-lens glasses or he’ll destroy the ones he loves. Angel in considered a freak because of his wings. Beast tries to cure his gorilla-like condition and instead turns himself blue and hairy. Jean Grey is a woman. Professor X is a multi-millionaire with his own person army of super heroes who lives in a mansion, fucks space aliens, and can control anyone’s mind to make them believe he has hair. On top of that, he’s regained his ability to walk more times than he’s died and come back to life, which he’s also done. There’s a lot of soap opera drama in the X-men, and the Professor regaining the use of his legs was supposed to be a jaw-drop moment back in the day. It’s happened about five or six times over the years, though, so it’s gotten a bit ridiculous. I think in the space of time the only other famous wheelchair-bound comic book character lost her ability to walk and regained it, Barbara Gordon, a.k.a. Batgirl, a.k.a. Oracle, he was able to walk again about four times. It makes sense when you consider he lives in a universe where people have the super power to heal anything, like Elixir and about twenty other X-Men. What doesn’t make sense is how he keeps losing the ability to walk again. You can only drop boulders on someone’s spinal column so many times.

Hot Dog

When people think of Archie comics, they typically think of a ginger kid trying to bang two chicks at once. Archie has lofty goals. If you’ve ever picked up an Archie Digest at the checkout stand and flipped through it, you’d notice that shit quickly gets ridiculous. There’s more continuity errors in an Archie comic than in the entire DC universe.

No one really thinks about him, but Archie is likely just as well known as Superman and Spider-Man, despite never having a big budget movie made after him. The reason for that is mainly how easy it is to pick up an Archie comic. They’re right there at the checkout stands of every grocery store, or in the magazine rack in a pocket-sized format. Comic book racks outside of comic book stores are a rarity these days, even in some book stores. Because of that, and because of it’s inoffensive G-rating, a kid is more likely to read Archie before reading a super-hero comic.

Archie has only had two cartoons. In one he and his friends had a rock band, ala Josie and the Pussycats. In the other, he was a paranormal investigator, ala X-Files.

Like I said, a lot of weird shit goes down in Archie comics.

Here’s an example:

Jughead’s Pal, Hot Dog. Usually you see a cover like this and not one of those things happens. Those aren’t day dreams: that’s Hot Dog’s real life. It’s an entire series based on Jughead’s pet dog. It’s like how Snoopy in Peanuts would pretend to be the Red Barron, only it doesn’t end with Charlie Brown coming out and saying, “Good grief!” In this comic, Hot Dog can talk, and has a secret base hidden inside his doghouse, to which Jughead is oblivious to because he’s too busy eating hamburgers. Plus, if you look at his mugshot up there in the issue number, he’s go his eyes closed and he’s facing the other way. Jughead always looks like he’s being smug. What a dick.

Hot Dog’s a secret agent, which strangely predates a current fad. Yesterday, there was a cartoon, “T.U.F.F. Puppy,” and a movie, “Cats and Dogs,“ on TV about dogs who are secretly… erh… secret agents. I’m not sure who came up with the idea, but someone is owed some money for plagiarism (TM).

It sort of figures. If you’re going to imagine your dog has all sorts of fun and adventures while you’re off whacking it into a baseball mitt, you might as well go all out and pretend they’re secret agents. That way, when you shake your head at him when he’s sleeping and make some sarcastic remark about how lazy he is, he’ll secretly wink to the camera. P.S.: Your dog hates you.

Is it weird that a Z-list character in a C-List comic company has his own series? Not really, when you consider that Superman’s dog Krypto had his own cartoon series. Jughead is Archie’s sidekick, and Hot Dog is Jughead’s side kick. The series didn’t last long, because it’s still a little bit of a stretch trying to sell a title like this. There’s lots of cutesy characters out there with a fan following already, like say, Heathcliff. It’s hard to build up an original property on the back of a virtually unknown one.

Riverdale Problems

Sometimes, when I’m feeling sad and depressed, I think about someone who has it worse than me: Archie Andrews.

Who has it worse than Archie? Archie doesn’t know which girl he should date, Betty or Veronica, so he has to date both of them. Do you know how hard it is to keep coming up with date ideas each week so you don’t run into the other girl? Imagine taking Betty to the movies, and Veronica’s there with Reggie. How awkward would that be, especially knowing that you have a date set up the next week with Veronica and she might have let Reggie get to first base? It’d be in the back of your mind the whole time you were with her. You’d keep thinking how you neck-in-neck tie choice for a steady girlfriend went out with your second best friend. Then you’d realize that you hate Reggie, because he’s a total douchebag, but he’s still somehow your second best friend in the world next to a compulsive eater and woman-hater. Sure, you’re still friends with Moose and Dexter, and the single black kid in Riverdale, but you don’t hang out with them all the time. Jughead, with his disgusting habits and borderline serial-killer perspective of the opposite sex is basically the opposite of a wingman. Reggie’s practically doing you a favour by trying to fuck your alternate-day girlfriend. At least you know he’s not picking up diseases from anywhere else, because his other love interest is the girlfriend of Moose, and he’s not getting any of that. Any herpes he collects will be passed down from you, to Veronica, to Reggie.

Archie probably has to date two women at a time just to quell the gay rumours. Jughead’s so phobic about women that any dude who associates with him is automatically considered his life-partner. That’s why it’s a surprise that the only black-man in Riverdale turned out to be homosexual in their recent gay-wedding issue. All the controversy that arose over this dull at dishwater gay issue should really have been directed at how Jughead has still not come out of the closet, or at least had an intervention about his compulsive eating habits. Seriously, right-wing hate groups came tried to boycott toy stores selling the gay issue, but binge eating is all right.

And they’re all in a band together too, when they’re not having romantic trysts or solving weird alien mysteries. Archie’s in a garage band with his two best friends, who kinda hate each other, and his two girlfriends, who kinda hate each other. If you don’t know anything about musical groups, they’re a better breeding ground for drama than high school. So he’s in the worst possible situation to be in with the worst possible people to be in it with. He might as well invite Veronica’s dad to join the group too. If you put three people together in Archie’s universe, two of them will hate each other. Everyone hates Reggie, for instance, but everyone hangs out with him. Betty and Veronica are best friends, but they also hate each other. Jughead and Archie are the only two close friends who don’t constantly try to destroy each other.

Buy My Book

I read webcomics like… a lot. It’s like the internet is one giant Sunday Funnie Page to me, but with worse drawings and more vulgar video game references. Every webcomic out there prompts you to buy their book. Now, growing up I had quite the collection of Garfield, Calvin & Hobbes and Peanuts on my bookshelves. Some of them were hand-me-down from my sister and brother, and unlike other books I would re-read them constantly and even take them on extended road trips. This isn’t the 80’s anymore, and webcomics are a special breed. First off: they’re on the web. They’re free. You can read them, and re-read them any time you like. Doing so will drive up their web traffic and make the authors more profit. The book aspect seems so retro to me. It’s like they’re desperate to make a buck, which they are. I can’t count the number of webcomics I’ve followed that have gone on hiatus so the authors can work real jobs, much like Onstad and Achewood. The authors of Penny-Arcade are goddamn millionaires, but that’s because they’ve done such an excellent job selling advertising and with their conventions. Coincidentally, I’ve purchased one of their books and had it signed at the Emerald City Comic-Con, and it’s the only webcomic collection I think I’d ever buy.

Other webcomics have gone another route and gotten into publishing monthly comic book titles, like PvP, Axe Cop, and Dr.McNinja. 

In all seriousness, doesn’t it seem odd they would go that route after skipping the proverbial middle-man. Few webcomic authors starting out would ever likely land a steady gig writing for a paper, comic, or other periodical. Now, with the print industry capsizing, they’re self-publishing their own works or finding publishers just so they’ll have something other than T-shirts and buttons to sell in the web stores? The ones who self-publish and self-distribute only end up getting deeper into financial trouble. I’ve read blogs and comments about how these authors have had to stare down tornadoes to make deadlines or have to deal with losing their jobs and moving while still distributing their books. Still, the webcomic industry is expanding.

The Nude 52

After over a month of readership, I’m convinced that the DC reboot was a secret plot by Batman to get laid. He’s already boned Catwoman and a reporter by the name of Catherine Rivers. Considering Batman is traditionally belittled as a closeted homosexual with a penchant for lithe boys in pixie boots, this is a startling turnaround. Every sexual encounter Batman has ever indulged in has ended the same way: by standing up the bitch on the second date. Batman doesn’t necessarily fuck-em’ and chuck-em’, he just fucks and forgets. There’s a panel in nearly every Batman comic where Alfred reminds him he missed a date with a such’n’such of this’n’that. This is just the latest is a string of off-handed conquests:

Here’s a head’s up for Miss Rivers: He’s not going to show.

In Catwoman #1, audiences saw Batman check in on Catwoman to see how she was doing after a bit of bad luck as a concerned friend, and to fuck her. He definitely knew that was on the table. Catwoman is more of Batman’s fuck-buddy than ally/enemy. The comic ended with Batman being used as a horsey. There’s nothing subtle about their relationship, unlike with other women where he might apologize to and send roses for missing dates. He’ll string them along because he has a genuine interest in them beyond keeping up appearances. Dick Grayson even sent Viki Vale flowers on behalf of Bruce Wayne just so she wouldn’t connect the dots and realize he’s not avoiding her: he’s dead. That’s dedication. Still, Bruce Wayne is the worst man in comics for following up on dates. Spider-Man even makes the time to call when he’s out being Spider-Man. In the One More Day reboot he missed his wedding to M.J. after an accident that left him unconscious in an alley, but he freely fessed-up without making excuses like Batman does. He’s not going to come out and say, “I had a business meeting,” when he’s secretly out fighting bad guys.

Since the reboot, everything’s been taken back to square one with revised stories, but no one’s re-explained Damien, Batman’s very-illegitimate ten-year-old son with a terrorist, or how he’s explained to the public where his bastard child came from. Everyone in the public knows Bruce Wayne has adopted three different boys as his wards, plus he’s a playboy, so why would he be so hush-hush about a secret love child for ten years when he clearly has no shame about the subject, and who is the mother? He pulled a Michael Jackson.

It’s not just Bruce getting his dick wet, other heroes associated with him are getting a new lease on love. Commissioner Gordon lost the white locks in favour of ginger to look younger, despite being white-haired since Detective Comics #1 back in the 40’s. The Red Hood also popped his cherry with Starfire, which is quite the feat. Jason Todd was little more than a teenager when he was Robin, and died, and obviously never got any nookie. When he came back to life, he pursued his interests in Donna Troy, who wasn’t having any of it: because despite becoming a homicidal bad-ass, he was still the whiny little bitch in green booty shorts she knew back in the day with Teen Titans. He got his own female sidekick later, but she was a complete butterface, and also underage, so let’s hope nothing happened there. So Starfire was officially his first, which, considering her new sluttified personality, really wasn’t that much of a challenge.

Nightwing, on the other hand, has it the worst. His two former will-you-marry-me love interests have been rebooted. Batgirl’s got her legs back, but she’s too busy getting back in the saddle to care about him, and Starfire is fucking a second-rate replacement to himself and his former drug-addicted friend. Nightwing use to be #1 with the fire crotches, and now he’s been left out in the cold.

Captain Shamerica

After leaving the theatre, I realized that at no point during the preceding movie had Captain America fought a Nazi. He had fought numerous agents of Hydra, which was a breakaway terrorist organization that collaborated with the Nazis, but not necessarily Nazis themselves. The closest he came to fighting a real Nazi was fake-punching the stage actor pretending to be Hitler during the V.S.O, shows. Furthermore, he hadn’t physically participated in WWII. He fought in splinter campaigns that targeted Hydra weapons manufacturing plants, which had nothing to do with the war against Germany. By killing the three Nazi officials who came to inspect his work, the Red Skull did more for the Allied war effort that Captain America.

Which led me to think more about what I know regarding Captain America. In the original comic books, Captain America kept his true identity as Steve Rogers a secret, which makes no sense. He was enlisted in the army and would have to sneak out of his barracks at night in disguise to fight Nazis as Captain America. Why? Did the U.S. not want a costumed super hero running around Europe solving all their problems for them while advertising how awesome America is? In the movie, they turn Steve Rogers into the ultimate soldier, and then turn him into a prop for selling War Bonds. That, at least, I can believe. Think of all the professional athletes who get pumped up full of steroids to become super beings just so they can sell us shoes made by Chinese children. Think of all they could accomplish with their athleticism, and all they ever turn into is a corporate shill. We always assumed Air Jordan could one day save us from Martian invasion, but he’d rather sell us Air Jordans.

I was impressed by how the movie successfully tied in with Thor and Iron Man, especially since it’s set seventy years before either of those movies took place, and at no point is Captain America ever mentioned in those titles. That’s like getting Buffy the Vampire Slayer to tie into Toy Story, with only the weakest thread tying them together.

Real American Hero

This summer’s movies area all about super heroes, shortcuts, and poor body image.

The first one off the assembly line was Thor. In the comic books, Thor was an ordinary mortal/often absent doctor David Blake who’s transformed into an Asgardian God of Thunder by picking up a stick.

Seriously, a fucking stick. That’s the entire origin story. In the movie, he’s a bare-chest super-hunk who picks up a hammer and transforms into Thor.

Put on a fucking shirt and go fight the Frost Giants, Thor.

Then there’s kissy-time, despite the fact that the Thor in the comics hasn’t had a steady or even occasional girlfriend for about fifty issues.

Then there’s the Green Lantern, who’s greatest super power is having abs.

The Green Lantern’s deal is that his power ring does all the work for him. Whatever he thinks of, the ring will create. There’s no reason for him to ever work out a day in his life. Yet, he looks like this in the movie, because tickets must be sold.

Then there’s Captain America. It’s a story about a wimpy kid who gets turned into a bona-fide super hero using drugs.

This is probably the right image.

What about X-Men: Yadda-Yadda-Reboot. This is how Professor X is supposed to look:

This is how he looked in that movie:

If you can guess, there’s a common theme between all these movies, and it’s an American one: shortcuts get you results. If you’re a 90 pound weakling, take 210 pounds of steroids and punch some Nazis in the face. Problem solved! Also, American audiences only have time for Nines and Tens. Jack Black was once cast for the role of the Green Lantern. I shit you not. That movie, thankfully, was never made because he’s a 3, and that’s a stupid idea. When it was made, they went overboard. Fans wanted Nathan Fillion for the Green Lantern, because: Firefly. He’s only like an 8.5 by Hollywood standards, so it went to Van Wilder and history wad made? Who knows anymore. I haven’t seen any of these movies, because even as huge comic book fan, they suck even by my very low standards. After all the Daredevils and Elektras, I’ve learned my lesson. For every Sin City, or V for Vendetta, there’s a Hulk, or Superman Returns.

Ordinary Man

Since the San Diego Comicon is going on right now it’s a good time to mention that Superman comics have sucked for the past year. Issues #700-713 have been absolute garbage. To recap the year-spanning saga: Superman has been walking across America. Not in the manner of Forrest Gump, mind you, as Forrest Gump ran across America. Also, he coined the, “Shit happens,” catch phrase while doing it. Superman has done nothing but bum around and be racist. They even pulled an issue because it was too “controversial.” The controversy was a flashback to Superman helping a young Muslim boy use his powers for good. So in addition to being boring, it’s also racist. Superman comics would be more exciting right now if instead of fighting crime with super powers, he sat at home eating chips, because at least then a whacky neighbour could show up and it could deviate into a hit sitcom. Supergirl comics are more exciting right now. I shit you not. She’s going to college and fighting psychic genetic clones in disguise that are allegories for the Facebook creator.

Nothing that’s happened in Superman: Grounded, has made any sense up until this point. Nothing. First of all, he comes back to an anti-Kryptonian Earth after New Krypton is destroyed and get spat on by a woman who tells him he could have miraculously cured her husband’s brain tumour had he been on Earth, and met her husband at random out of the 6.8 billion people on Earth, and used his X-Ray vision on her husband by pure happenstance and given him his very unprofessional diagnosis, then used some hitherto unknown super power to remove it. It’s probably the most WTF moment ever in Superman. It’s supposed to be humanizing for him, but really, it just makes the woman look like a psycho bitch of epic proportions. Of all the people should could have blamed for a brain tumour, Superman is pretty low on that list, especially since she just established he’s been away from Earth for a whole year. Instead of hitting her so fast that the punch would be invisible, and thus Superman, standing in front of a crowd of witnesses who could testify he never even flinched, could never be found responsible for the gaping hole in her chest, he sulks away, then decides to walk across America to get back in touch with your Average Joe.

The Average Joe sucks, though. That’s why the comic is supposed to be about Superman. He’s the opposite of the Average Joe. Also, he has super hearing and super telescopic vision. If he wants to see what’s going down with America, he can take a microsecond and look. He doesn’t have to walk down every street and shake your hand. There’s millions of police officers, fire fighters, and hospital workers trained to take care of people in cases of emergency. No one needs to call Superman when their cat’s stuck in a tree.

“Here you go, Sally, but If I have to come back and rescue this cat one more time, I’m going to leave him at Chinese restaurant… in China.”

Superman exists to punch space robots in their metal faces, so the whole universe knows not to fuck with Earth. Exactly zero seconds should be spent rationalizing why Superman does what he does. He’s Superman. If you’d never heard of Superman before, you’d know what his deal was the second he showed up wearing tights and a cape and started blowing out forest fires with his damn mouth.

Yet, they’ve spent a whole year on this ridiculous plot line where he just travels around like a damn hippie. Who wants that? At one point there looked like there was going to be a secret reveal involving a subplot about a woman invading his nightmares, but that hasn’t played out after thirteen issues.

This is literally worse than any of the Superman movies. I’m not just talking about the Richard Pryor vehicle, I’m talking about Superman 4: The Quest for Peace. Plus, it feels like it’s gone on longer than Smallville, and with fewer results.

This is why DC needs the reboot, because of shit like this. Somehow the series got up it’s own ass and they forgot how to draw space monsters. Horseshit.

The Death of Comic Books

DC Comics announced they would be rebooting their entire catalogue. All of it. Slavishly. Reboots, of course, are terrible things. No one is ever !00% satisfied, because it means every story developed over the last seventy years of writing gets thrown out. DC, of course, is no stranger to the reboot. Every one of the Infinite Crisises has been a framework for their reboots, but they’ve never taken it this far before, and for so little. There isn’t much rhyme or reason for resetting their series again except to drive up sales. Some of their titles, like Wonder Woman, are coming off of a hard reboot that failed miserably. DC tries to justify their position by saying that it’s a good starting point for new readers to get into their titles by starting over each series fresh. It’s not a philosophy that works. A series is basically driven by it’s writer, and those writers come and go according to their contracts. That’s how you end up with characters dying at the climax of a big series, only be brought back to life magically when the next writer takes the reins. Even by starting fresh, you’ll soon find yourself bogged down by references to comics that may have been release forty years ago. Spider-Man comics is lousy with this kind of backlogging. Series like the Clone Saga were created to basically reset the character and pave over everything that happened beforehand, but then it would keep skipping back. It was a 90’s series that referenced a separate obscure series that took place in the 80’s.  Now here in 2010-2011, Spider-Man’s been rebooted again with One More Day, wherein his marriage to Mary Jane never happened, and over twenty years of cannon were erased. You can already see that plot-line beginning to retract to the old status, though, with issues trying to explain what happened by re-referencing 80’s comics.

Reboots always try to do two things: They try to be gritty, and they try to be X-treme, with as many X’s as they can get in there. That’s how this:

Can turn into this:

They also renumber all their volumes back to issue #1, because they sell more copies that way. Casual collectors think their #1 issues will be worth more in the long run, but statistically, it doesn’t work out that way. First appearances: yes. First issues: not necessarily. X-Men Issue #1 Vol #1 sold a bajillion copies, and hence the comic is worthless. They were giving them away free at Pizza Hut, for God’s sake. How does a jr. man of steel get a tattoo? Is it painted on? That’s X-treme!

The question is: do comics need reboots? Comic book movies do, because actors and directors and studios can change drastically. Also: some movies are terrible. A lot, really. As I mentioned, the creative teams for comic books changes quite frequently. Bob Kane, for instance, no longer writes Batman, because he is very dead. “Team” comics, like Justice League and Teen Titans can be rebooted just by changing the cast of characters. Titles like Superman, however, have very well established stories. Everyone knows Superman’s origin, and there’s no point in rehashing it. No matter how off-base Superman gets (think of Smallville) his origin is the same. As for Batman:

This is all you need to know. Still: it crops up in every single issue of Batman, and there’s close to a thousand now.

Does DC need a reboot? Sales are slumping, and they need to go digital to keep up. The reboot ties in with their big digital push. Of course, I have read literally thousands of comics illegally, so offering comics as digital doesn’t really recoup the losses: it just means someone won’t have to scan their comic collection every Wednesday.

Do the comics themselves need a reboot? A lot of issues are enjoying a high-water mark, like Supergirl, while Superman (oddly enough) is floundering.  Wonder Woman needs a re-reboot. Other titles, like Gotham City Sirens have reached a natural conclusion. It’s also an opportunity to re-introduce dormant titles like Blue Beetle and Justice League International, while starting much deserved new series like Mr.Terrific. Other series, like Batman and Robin and Green Lantern, would be a disaster if affected.

Batman: The World’s Worst Detective

Batman is billed as being the “World’s Greatest Detective.” It’s right there on the comics. They weren’t even called Batman Comics when they were first released, they were called “Detective Comics.” The problem with this idea is that Batman sometimes comes across as not being the brightest bulb in the bunch, and that bunch involves the Green Lantern.
First off, he never solved his parent’s murder. He set off trying to avenge their deaths, but fell far short. In the comics, Batman never solved his parent’s murders in seventy years. They had to retcon the entire series during Infinite Crisis to correct that mistake, but for the record: he doesn’t know who killed his parents. Officially, it’s believed that Joe Chill was the culprit, but Batman spends his life going through every database, shaking down every criminal, and infiltrating every underground organization without ever knowing the answer. Even in the movies, he’s as clueless. In the Michael Keaton Batman, he doesn’t even have a suspect until he’s thirty-something and hears the Joker say the exact same thing he said when he killed his parents. Then, despite hearing what’s essentially a confession, he still has to pour through old files on the Batcomputer to positively I.D. him. Then, instead of going to the police with his findings, he drops him off a building… by mistake. Then, in the Bale Batman, the criminal straight up confesses to the court. No Batman necessary. You’d think that the highest-profile back alley murders in Gotham would have a larger police presence investigating it, but it’s considered a cold case by the time Bruce Wayne becomes Batman. Bear in mind, the worst thing this says about Batman is that HE WATCHES IT HAPPEN AND RELIVES IT IN HIS MIND EVERY WAKING MOMENT. As a rule of thumb, Batman’s parents being murdered is brought up every second issue or so. Even having clearly seen the culprit and having it etched in his mind, he still can’t find him.
Then, Batman finds out he has a son named Damian with his evil-nemesis/sexual plaything Talia, and that he’s now a pre-teen. It never occurs to him that the woman who’s main goal is to mate with Batman and bring her father, Ra’s Al-Ghoul a heir may have gotten herself knocked up during one of their hot desert trysts. Plus, Batman is supposed to be keeping close tabs on her and the organization she works with, but never notices any mysterious nine month absence. One day, she just shows up with a group of man bat ninjas and basically tells him it’s his weekend to watch the kid. What’s Damian been doing his whole life? Training with ninja assassins. The same ninja assassin league Batman breaks up every month when they get in his fucking way. Never once does he see him, or get suspicious.
Then there’s the time Batman found out who the Red Hood was. Batman was plagued by a super villain calling himself the Red Hood who kept leaving him mysterious clues, like his own batarangs, taunting Batman to find out his real identity. It turned out to be Jason Todd, the second Robin, who was supposed to be spectacularly dead. Afterwards, Batman had to go back and trace everything he did after Jason’s death to see if there were any clues. He even had Jason’s coffin booby-trapped to alert him if anyone had tampered with it. His studies showed him there hadn’t even been a body in it. Only, there had been. Jason dug himself out of his own grave. To Batman’s credit, none of this makes any sense, because it involves Superboy Prime punching a crystal wall until reality itself changed with the very specific outcome being Jason coming back to life.

For realz.
Afterwards, however, Jason gets taken in by Talia, for whom Batman has a very large blind spot. There’s really no excuse for Batman, however, since Ra’s is arguably his greatest, if not deadliest foe, and he’s the first and last line of defence between Ra’s and the deaths of billions. So if Ra’s slutty daughter has taken his dead former sidekick, he should fucking know about it.
Then there’s Stephanie Brown, the fourth Robin, the current Batgirl, and the former Spoiler. She was dead too. Her murder was a little easier to solve, as she had her ass handed to her by the Black Mask. Only, it turned out she could have been saved on the operating table by Batman’s personal physician, but she simply chose not to. Batman totally calls her on it and tracks her down to Africa, telling her if she ever shows up State-side again, he’ll turn her in to the police. CASE CLOSED! Only, Stephanie is now alive and well, and it was all a cover up so Stephanie could start a new life away from super-crime and help starving orphan children in Africa. Batman never knew this. There’s no indication of him ever knowing this. Only, when she shows up on their doorstep alive and well, he tells Robin he knew all along, meaning: Batman is full of shit. I have a graphic novel War Crimes, where Batman clearly shows in every panel that he believes in his heart of hearts Stephanie is dead. He even does the criminal investigation himself to confirm his every suspicion. He straight-up drops the ball, and doesn’t owe up to it. This makes Robin get pissed off at Batman for lying to him about Stephanie being dead. Only, he’s never lied about her being dead, he didn’t fucking know. He tells a lie to cover up his own ignorance, just to save some face. Jerk. Then again, it could have just been this:

Then there’s the time he went to jail for the murder of Vikki Vale, which happened in his own mansion. Also: he was innocent. You’d think that the world’s greatest detective would pretty much instantly be able to tell who the real culprit was the instant they set foot in his high-tech security based mansion, but no. He had no clue. There’s a very short list of suspects who could do something like that in his own home with his fourth of fifth favourite on-again/off-again girlfriend, but it takes him months to solve the crime. In his favour, he’s being hunted by the police and the super hero community while investigating the crime, plus he has to break in and out of jail every night. Still, in the end, the culprit has to basically announce himself, and his ass-backward revenge plot. Plus I think Batman kills Azrael during all of this too… by accidentally letting him fall. It’s a common theme in all super hero comics. Then, of course, Vikki Vale comes back to life magically because of this:

Meaning: death is meaningless. It’s impossible to even commit a murder in Batman’s universe because it will be retconned out, making Batman and his criminal investigations a redundancy. Batman himself was killed and came back to life like a week ago through pilgrim-hat wearing time travel. At least that made more sense.

Alter-Alter-Ego

There comes a time in every super hero’s life that he needs not one: but two alter-egos to fight crime with. Why? Because people who get superpowers by being involved in easily-avoided accidents aren’t the best strategists.
Best:
Bruce Wayne/Batman: Matches Malone

When Batman needs to infiltrate organized crime in a manner that doesn’t involve punching random thugs in the face, he dons the disguise of Matches Malone, who’s basically every Italian stereotype rolled into one. His getup involves a pornstache, aviators, suits worthy hockey sportscasters, and a toothpick. As Matches, he can get close enough to Gotham’s worst to snap their necks, but that would go against his code. Instead, he plays the part so well that he’s actually ended up in prison as Matches. No one has ever been able to see through his double-disguise without being in on the joke, because Batman is Batman.
Dick Grayson/Robin: Nightwing

Scaly green booty-shorts and pixie boots do not comprise a costume that strikes fear into the hearts of evil, so Robin grew up and decided to become Nightwing. What’s a Nightwing? Who knows, but anything is an improvement on the old costume/name, even if the original high-collar was dated before the 70’s disco era was even over, but it’s highly reminiscent of Deadman. He switched weapons too, in that he started using weapons. His main instrument of choice became a pair of nightsticks, which keeps with the whole theme. Strangely, even though he only really changed his clothes and kept the domino mask, a lot of his former villains never clued in to the fact that Robin/Nightwing were the same person, thanks to the introduction of a new, short-lived Robin.
Jason Todd/Robin: Red Hood

Coming back to life gives you the instant right to adopt a new identity, and Jason chose one designed to stir up difficult emotions in Batman: the Red Hood. The Red Hood was originally just a gimmick that got passed around between gangsters to keep authorities looking for a non-existent ring leader. Even the Joker wore the Red Hood one time, before getting the chemical treatment. Batman got the shock of his life when he saw under the hood and found his dead sidekick. For extra fun, Jason wears his Robin domino mask under the hood, so he’s simultaneously three identities.
Iron Man/Tony Stark: Cobalt Man

Cobalt Man was one of Iron Man’s former foes, until he died of radiation poisoning. Who knew cobalt would make a bad choice of materials to use as armour? Tony took up the mantle, however, to infiltrate the Thunderbolts, all of whom had triple identities as well. They were a super villain team posing as a super hero team lead by Citizen V/Baron Zemo. The weird thing about the Thunderbolts was how they kept everything grey. Tony didn’t know what to make of them and he was an Avenger. He nearly helped Zemo with his evil/good plot to depower every super-being on the planet, because gamma radiation and mental retardation shouldn’t go hand in hand.
Bucky/Captain America/Jim Barnes: Winter Soldier:

Bucky didn’t really have a choice, but for most of the 20th Century he was a thawed-out killing machine for the Russians. They gave him a cyborg arm and brainwashed him to do their bidding, so he went from being some scrawny distraction for America’s greatest hero to a badass assassin. Congratulations, Bucky!
Worst:
Wolverine/Logan/James Howlett: Patch

When Wolverine’s killing ninjas in Madipoor, and wants to go incognito, he puts on an eye patch. That’s pretty much it. He might also put his helmet hair into a ponytail and put on a suit, but bear in mind that he’s basically a hairy midget with metal claws sticking out of his hands. It’s not easy for him to go anywhere and not be recognized. Bear in mind that Wolverine, for about for the longest time, had no idea who he really was. He called himself, “Logan,” and that wasn’t even his real name. Why would someone with amnesia, no birth certificate, no family, and a codename need a second secret identity? The only people Wolverine has to hide from are ninjas and spy agencies, and they’re both very good at finding people. Wearing an eye patch to a bar isn’t going undercover, it’s playing pirate.
Spider-Man/Peter Parker: The Slingers

For Spider-Man, it almost makes sense throwing out the old costume and getting a new identity, given how often his image is plastered over the newspapers with the words, “Menace,” written in the headline. So when it all got to much to bear, he created not one: but four separate disguises: Prodigy, Dusk, Ricochet, and Hornet. Each identity used a different aspect of his skill-set, like Ricochet used his agility, Dusk his stealth, Prodigy his strength, and Hornet his inventiveness. He was basically his own team, thanks to a few quick costume changes. As awesome as it was, it was also retarded. He’s going to be shot at no

LiveJournal Tags: comics,alter-egos

matter what he wears, so why bother with theatrics? He thankfully dropped the act, but for some poorly-explained reason, four other heroes took up his identities in a clear case of copyright infringement.
Dick Grayson/Nightwing/Robin/Batman: Crutches

Crutches is to Nightwing as Matches is to Batman. Same concept, only Nightwing took it too far and went deep undercover, becoming a mob bodyguard. Now: as crutches, he’s basically just Dick Grayson on a pair of crutches, who’s posing as a kung-fu master. So his disguise is to use no disguise, and an overtly complex persona. Bear in mind to infiltrate the mob, he has to prove his worth. When you show up to an interview for a bodyguard, and you’re on a pair of crutches, you’re not getting the job.
Bruce Banner/Hulk: Mr. Fix-it

Okay: so when Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the full moon comes out: he turns into Mr.Fix-it. Instead of smashing people because he’s mad, he smashes people because he’s being paid to smash people. He has a job as a Las Vegas bouncer, which is messed up since he’s part super-genius/part wrecking machine, and his main interest is standing outside doors and checking clip boards. Plus: he learns the value of a finely-tailored Big’n’Tall suit.

Excelsioritis

Stan Lee is a God among men. He’s consistently had a moustache for over fifty years, which should make him king of all hipsters. He’s created Spider-Man, the Hulk, the Fantastic Four, Thor, Iron Man, the X-Men, the Avengers, etc.. Compare that to Todd McFarlane, who created Spawn. What’s a Spawn, you ask? Exactly. With that being said, if you ask Stan Lee to make anything for you, you will end up with a steaming pile of crap. His best years began and ended around the same time as the Hippie movement. Maybe all his work was the result of a three-year acid trip in the 60’s. Who knows? All we can say is he doesn’t have, “It,” anymore. His goofy creations, once on the highbrow end of the spectrum, now seem ridiculous if brought to market. There’s numerous projects he’s been involved in this century across multiple mediums since Marvel Comics tries to keep him as a far away from what made him famous. These projects include cartoons like Striperella, Mosaic, and The Condor. All of them have been so very, very awful. DC hired him, albeit breifly, to re-imagine their most famous heroes. The result was something that could have been recycled instantly into toilet paper. He’s been in nearly a dozen blockbuster movies, but the degree to which you notice him also indicates the awfulness of the movie. Case in point: Ang Lee’s Hulk where he’s a security guard opposite the cheesy 80’s Hulk actor Lou Feregno =  Bad. Iron Man where Tony Stark mistakes him for Hugh Hefner = Good. The most he’s on screen as himself: the worse it gets.
For some reason, the NHL thought it’d be a great idea to get Stan Lee to turn every team in the league into it’s own super hero. Why does every team needs it’s own super hero? I can see one or two, maybe, but all of them? That’s stretching anyone’s capabilities. Stan’s attempt at this has been half-assed at best. His basic premise is to take the name of the team and put, “the,” in front and dropping the plural. For instance: the Red Wings get the Red Wing. You can turn yourself into a super hero using this technique as well. You can go from, “Bob,” to, “The Bob.” Now you’re ready to fight evil.
I’m not going to shit on every one of them, because there’s thirty, and I don’t have that much shit. I’m just going to pick the Canucks.

Now: The Canucks have a whale on their logo, because of poor marketing choices. They thought First Nations Art would be trendy. It’s not, nor will it ever be. Native Art peaked around the 2010 Olympics, and that’s only because they put it on every stupid souvenir and mascot they could make, and they made a lot. It’s not an indicator of it being popular, however, as there can be lots of something, just for the simple fact that someone made lots of something and left it there, thinking someone would like it. I don’t want archaeologists digging this stuff up and thinking this was all we’re about. This was only ever about us Whites/Asians trying to pretend we have our own B.C./Canadian cultural identity by co-opting someone else’s. Since there wasn’t any black people around, we took the Native’s art (just like we took their land). Most teams, when picking an animal mascot will either go for a bird of prey or a wildcat. The Canucks went with a whale. What do whales have to do with hockey? Nothing, but it’s local. Not local enough that you’ll ever actually see a killer whale by happenstance, or exclusive to the area as whales are migratory creatures by nature. However it happened, it’s there on their jerseys, and it looks terrible.
Stan Lee looked at the Canucks logo for ten seconds and made a whale-themed Aquaman rip-off. Then he remembered it’s in B.C. and we’re all lumberjacks up here and added some shit about tree-climbing spikes, because apparently there’s a lot of crime going on in the tops of trees. His cape also transforms into “an enormous whale fluke,” because that’s going to intimidate the enemy. It’s like a halfsie cape that leaves his ass exposed and freezing in the elements, which needs to transform for some reason. He can also fly, because being able to swim fast is completely useless. He’s essentially a super hero version of the Beachcombers. For any American who doesn’t know what the Beachcombers is, it’s Baywatch without fake breasted attractive people and slow-motion running and more tug boats.
There’s literally no crime he could fight if he’s exclusively patrolling the waters off of B.C. except smuggling, and there’s already agencies with actual police powers devoted to that, making him useless. He can’t just board a boat full of refugees and beat them up because they might be legitimate refugees. If he wants to be accepted, he better lie and pretend to live in a secret underwater kingdom. At least that way someone might think he’s not sucking 100% of the time when no one can see him. He can show up late to crimes and say, “I was off battling Mer-Man and a giant octopus. You guys probably didn’t see it because it was underwater.”
Notice how none of his powers involve anything that could help him fight crime. It’s all about getting to a crime. He has hidden spikes, but they’re for climbing apparently, and not for kicking people in the head with his spike boots. That would be impolite and therefore un-Canadian. He can’t even Burtuzi someone with a hockey stick, because he doesn’t have one.
For the record: do you know what a Canuck is? Johnny Canuck was basically a Canadian Paul Bunyan: a giant with an axe. Stan Lee couldn’t be bothered to do a wikipedia search though, so that awesomeness went out the window. Seriously: a giant with an axe. Who fucks with that? No one.

Vampires vs. Everyone

Due to a strange scheduling conflict, Marvel Comics recently released two unrelated multi-issues story arcs wherein the heroes of the X-men and the Ultimates fought vampires. These stories were created and released simultaneously, without the creative teams knowing about the other until they started an ad campaign for the X-Men #1. Ultimates author, Mark Millar, had a twitch (a term I’m now creating in which someone bitches on twitter), complaining that Marvel head editors were essentially screwing him over by trying to beat him to the punch. Now: vampires are nothing new. If you wanted to jump on the new vampire bandwagon, you’re about three years too late. The Twilight phenomenon and it’s fallout are already well established. Something like this was organically going to happen. Also: the X-Men and the Ultimates exist in two parallel worlds. While the characters in both are familiar to the Marvel Universe, the Ultimates are a reboot, which tried and failed to reinvigorate established characters that have been around for nearly fifty years. Whatever the situation was, both comics came out at the same time.
Interestingly enough, both comics featured a restart to old volumes. The vampires sagas began in X-Men #1 and Ultimates #1 respectively. The 90’s edition of X-Men, #1, Vol. I was the highest selling X-men comic of all time due to “collectible” multiple covers (a new scheme at the time which is now commonplace and overused) and over-printing. Ultimates,  #1, Vol. I, began the Ultimates Universe collection of comics, which also included alternate editions of the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man. By beginning a new volume in the series, the comics are carrying a legacy with them.
Both series revolve around virtually identical plot-lines. In X-Men, the vampires want to “recruit” the X-Men by turning them into vampires, and creating a vampire master race that will dominate the world. For some reason, they think that former mutant/X-man Jubilee is their “in” for this quest. In the Ultimates, the vampires capture a newly cloned and Hulk and second-generation Daredevil and turn them. The same plan applies. Since their first choices for vampires sucked, their next targets become Wolverine in X-Men and Captain America in Ultimates. This doesn’t go well.
Since there’s vampires, there’s also Blade. Blade shows up whenever there’s vampires like the Trix rabbit shows up during breakfast. Nobody wants him there, but he comes with the cereal. Blade’s involvement is largely hinged around being an expert on killing vampires. Unfortunately, he’s talking to people who kill giant robots and shape-shifting alien invaders on a daily basis. Magneto can drop a skyscraper on your head. Vampires are no biggie. No one cares about his input, especially since he immediately suggests killing their closest friends who’ve been turned vampire. That doesn’t go well. It like if your friend gets a cold he’d tell you to kill them before you get infected. He’s also useless and kept as far away from the front lines as possible before being arrested for tax evasion (this might not have happened).
In both series, the vampire leader is also dethroned and killed by another vampire, which sets the stories in motion. Dracula gets taken down by his own son, and Sticks (for some reason the head vampire in the Ultimate Universe is ultra-obscure character Sticks) is taken down by the Hulk. Seriously: he tried to go toe-to-toe with a vampire Hulk. This makes no sense, and the comic even draws massive attention to the fact by self-acknowledging it, which is mainly what separates the two series: the writing.
Mark Millar, Ultimates writer, has also written Wanted and Kick-Ass, two comics which were turned into big-budget action movies. This has given him a super-inflated ego and lead him to release his own magazine, “CLiNT,” about how great he is. Now: go and read Wanted the comic book. I’ll give you a minute.
…
Back? Okay, now go watch the movie, Wanted. Notice how one has nothing to do with the other? And that the movie is better? That’s because Mark Millar’s involvement was pushed aside. Mark Millar is the new Stan Lee, which means he’ll put egomaniacal shit on the covers of comic books like, “The Best Damn Comic Book Out There,” the same way Stan Lee would put, “The World’s Greatest Comic,” on his. That doesn’t mean their good. There’s this weird sort of pop-culture genre-critical self-awareness about everything he writes, like it’s all part of a joke. The rest is just people running, jumping, and shooting each other Michael Bay style. He even release wide-screen version of his comics. Think about that. Wide-screen. Comics. He’s just trying to create something that someone might make into a high-octane movie with occasional side-boob, which is GOOD BUSINESS SENSE since comics themselves make NO MONEY.
So the Ultimates comic is filled with references to Twilight and second-stringer characters introduced just so they get killed off.
The X-Men comic is slower-paced as it has longer and more issues to fill. It starts off with Dracula being killed, and then the vampires gathering their forces together. One of Dracula’s sons becomes the new head vampire, while another son wonders if he should in turn betray his brother ala MacBeth. In their world, leadership isn’t an entitlement, they have to have the pledged support of each of the vampire sects to obtain and keep it. Betrayal leads to betrayal as plots thicken, Right off the bat, that’s good stuff. Then it gets into the X-Men side and all the hard choices they have to make about Jubilee being infected, the logic behind resurrecting Dracula, and the spreading plague in the city streets as they gear up for the final battle. There’s a lot in there.
In the end, both sides finally overcome their enemies through poor choices on the vampire side. In the X-Men, they seek out and infect Wolverine, who’s power is being able to heal himself from any illness, including vampire. They’re shocked when he turns normal. In the Ultimates, they infect Captain America, who’s power includes being virtually immune to any disease, including vampire. They’re shocked when he turns normal. Also: the sun plays a big role, because they’re sissy vampires. Seriously, in the long run, if you want to start a vampire plague: don’t start with the people who can most easily kill you. There’s seven billion people on the world who can’t shoot optic blasts out their eyes. I’d pick on them first if it were up to me.
On a side note: does anyone else think that Wesley Snipes being imprisoned for tax evasion is a plot by the vampire-lead Shadow Government? Because those Blade movies: they were real. Wesley Snipes is a daywalker. It makes perfect sense: quietly take out the main opposition, then lull the rest of the world into a false sense of security with books and movie and TV shows about half-naked, perfectly sculpted vampire men with bedroom eyes. Desperate women will line up to become infected then spread that infection to the rest of the population. Those who resist are to be used as cattle. Meanwhile: no one believes they exist, and head vampire Dick Cheney laughs in his bunker while supping from a newborn.

The Being of Omnipresent Rage

Have you ever seriously worried that your own rage-filled emotions will physically manifest themselves and tear someone asunder?

I’m a pretty suppressed guy. Not Libyan suppressed, mind you, but emotionally suppressed. I get as stressed as the person next to me, but the person next to me is likely the one stressing me out. So I try to keep my composure like an anti-Charlie Sheen. It doesn’t work, necessarily, but it gets the lousy stinking job done. There’s situations, though, where people attack you on multiple fronts, and all that composure goes in the garbage. 
So today I was trying to make it to an appointment at the hospital for me and my wife to get a tour of the maternity ward, as our baby is due in a few months. I dropped her off at the front entrance then proceeded on my way to find a parking spot. I had been there last week so we could register with the hospital, while at the same time a nurse’s union tour bus complete with news camera crews pulled up to the front to start a protest. The parking situation was a kerfuckle (TM). For a new hospital boasting it’s size, there was no parking. Anywhere. And parking costs $2.75 an hour. People and cramming themselves in to pay $2.75 an hour. For parking. I had to leave the entire grounds to find a spot, but every side street had strict no parking signs posted, for no good reason. These were little used residential cul-de-sacs about three lanes wide with no lines on the road even. Still, they don’t want you parking there. They want you parking at the hospital, and to pay for this privilege. Only, there’s no parking there. I eventually had to park next to a “Resident Parking Only” sign and hope I didn’t get towed over the next half-hour.
That was last week. Today, as I try to pull away from the entrance, a van stops in front of me, and stays stopped. There’s no room to go around him. There’s a car behind me, so I can’t back up. I can’t honk my horn because it’s a hospital quiet zone. He stays there for about three minutes. Eventually, a half-dead man hobbles up to the side door and gets in. I exhale, and I move on my way as they leave. I circle a few stalls in the parking lot, and finally find a space. Before I can, a car opposite the space starts to back up, so I have to stop, because they’re no going to. The car pulls out between me, and the empty space, and stops, and stays stopped across two lanes. There’s no way around the car, and no explanation for what the hell it’s doing. I wait two minutes. A lady comes out of the car, and walks over to me, and taps on my window, telling me in a Scottish accent, “Excuse me. I overpaid for my time in the parking metre and told the driver in the spot next to mine that she can have my spot instead…” There’s more, but I cut her off there.
“I’m kind of in a hurry here,” I said as a single word through gritted teeth as foam rose in the back of my throat. Have you ever been so mad that you can taste foam? It’s a peculiar substance produced in the back of the throat that’s like a mixture of bile and saliva. It’s like your body is tying to spit poisonous venom, but doesn’t have the necessary organs. It’s frothy, and leaves you feeling thirsty, thirsty FOR BLOOD.
I had to wait for the woman to get back in her car. I didn’t know what to do at this point, so I put my car in reverse and backed up two inches. It’s about forty feet to leave the lane for the intersection, and I wasn’t about to do that, just because I was where I wanted to be. I stopped, waited for her to move her car, then pulled into the spot I wanted, which incidentally isn’t her spot, and is factually closer to the hospital. I looked at no one as I exited the vehicle. I wondered about how casually telling someone as you get in your car that they can have your spot and not have to pay for parking becomes a sacred pact between two fated individuals and may require you to fight and die for their honour. WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS? I know it’s a hospital and people are sick and dying everyday, and drama’s high, but I shouldn’t have to entertain the thought of jacking some old lady’s car just to move it ten feet out of my way, then flipping her the bird and tossing her the keys. What was the worse thing that could have happened? The other driver would have lost her spot and vowed a bloody vengeance on the old lady and myself? There’s a difference between being a good Samaritan and being an ass. Plus, since I probably betrayed a hint of my true vehemence, she’s was probably swearing about me under her breath as she went back to her car. She probably called one of her friends and complained about how rude I was. Then her friend, having no life of her own, would have called two of her friends and so on and so forth, until I’m on a No-Fly List somewhere. Entire websites are then devoted to my downfall and I become a meme. People spit in my burgers intentionally, instead of just randomly.
I have so little faith in humanity lately that my paranoid delusions echo as the truth. It’s hard to trust anyone. When I take my kid to the park, I have to hover around him, or else I worry someone will try to report me as a pedophile. I delisted my employer as my employer on facebook because I worry someone will rat me out over a comment I make and I’ll end up being shit-canned. The other day, I put my hand on a rail inside an elevator and it came away covered in somebody’s snot and I imagined that someone had just horked a loogie on me from above. I almost looked up, even though I know it’s a completely enclosed space and no one would possibly be up there hiding like a fucking ninja. That’s how fucked up I think the world is. I have an instant dislike of anyone I haven’t met, and hence I don’t want to meet people. It’s a problem, but it’s a problem being reinforced by everyone around me. Any situation I don’t walk away from the richer for having been in it makes me worry. So a two-minute parking lot traffic snarl in which everyone is outwardly smiling and polite can leave me infuriated and reclusive for the rest of the day. Hence: the pent-up rage, which I then use to forge blogs and explode teenagers with carelessly tossed semtex in COD

LiveJournal Tags: life

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Missile to Missile Missile

Comic books have a longstanding tradition of super heroes hanging off of missiles, but this is the greatest two-page spread ever drawn. This comes from issue twelve of Doc Savage from DC comics. It depicts the titular character of Doc Savage kicking his way out of one missile and leaping on to a second missile, heading in the opposite direction. This is after he was declared dead at the beginning of the issue.
When Captain America tried something like this, it killed his sidekick and he ended up being frozen in the ocean for about four decades. Thus Doc Savage > Captain America.

Pussy.
Doc Savage is a little known, but he’s technically the first comic book super hero, predating Superman. He’s basically Indiana Jones if Indiana Jones punched more people in the face. He’s like four Harrison Fords in one. That means if you had Indiana Jones, Han Solo and President James Marshall, you’d still have to get the fugitive from Fugitive.
This is the most comic book-like thing I’ve read in a comic book, ever, and it deserves a monument.

LiveJournal Tags: doc savage,captain america,dc comics,comic books

Ooo!!!

Sometimes it’s too late to pull a title from shelves. I’ll just show you this clip and the date:



Yes: A reference to a Japanese Tsunami in a comic dated for the month of April, 2011. Comics take a lot of effort to produce. Maybe a month of work goes into each month’s issue. So once it’s sent to print, there’s really no going back. This will end up in a cracked.com top ten list some day.

LiveJournal Tags: comic books,bad ideas,marvel Comics

Moby’s Dick

Anyone who has gone through the educational system knows that English class is a glorified book club. You’re expected to read whatever tripe gets put on your desk and report back with the standard essay. Your teacher will claim to want originality from you, but you’re the 124,928,123rd person to write a paper on a book every student has to read in every school across the country. Originality is impossible. Should you try to obtain this elusive beast in your essay, you’ll have to enter into the fringes of the churning abyss. It’s a fine line to walk, and the slightest misstep will sweep you away under the waters of madness.
Take for example: Moby Dick. The white whale is an excruciatingly prolonged metaphor for God, which is supposed to blow your mind, assuming that you’re appropriately stoned and easily impressed.
So what if Moby Dick really was God? God is just essentially an unobtainable metaphor, and Moby Dick is a metaphor for God. If Captain Ahab were to kill Moby Dick, would that mean he’s factually killing God? Yes. If God’s dead, how can the universe continue to exist? It can’t. The reason Ahab therefore fails in his quest and is dragged down into the briny depths of the Ocean with his hated killer isn’t because of his hubris, but rather because of the essential paradox he creates otherwise. Say that Ahab kills God/Moby Dick, or Godby Dick as I call him: he’s killing the universe’s source of perpetuation. Without God, all time and space collapses in upon itself, creating a vast nothingness. No time means no past. No past means that the events leading up to the universe being destroyed could never have taken place to begin with. Thusly: reality is thrown into a loop until an outcome allows the events to skip over God being killed: so Ahab is killed in Moby’s place. Also: Moby is a giant fucking whale.
Let me explain using Batman:

Batman has to “kill” Darkseid, whom as one of the New Gods is a metaphor for God as well. In a way, Darkseid is Batman’s Moby Dick, but unlike Ahab, Batman doesn’t fuck it up, because he’s Batman. He uses bullets that travel back in time, and in simultaneous retaliation, Darkseid’s Omega Beam eyes “kill” Batman by unsticking him in time, turning him into a living bomb that will accumulate Omega energy until he returns to his point of origin and destroy reality itself.
Fact is, Batman’s dealing in metaphors. The gun he’s using is the metaphor for every gun, and the bullet is the metaphor for every bullet, and he’s just a metaphor for a bat. Fortunately, Batman is also the World’s Greatest Detective and becomes self-aware of the fact that he’s aware of the fact that he’s a metaphor for himself. Thus, he stops Darkseid’s evil plan and saves the universe and we’re aware of all of these facts by proxy because the universe wasn’t destroyed. I mean that literally: Batman would have destroyed the universe by killing Darkseid had he not gone through these steps. So: Moby Dick is “dead,” but we’re still here.
Ahab’s an archtype as well, but he’s not Batman. So, if he killed Moby Dick, that would have been it for everyone. On a subconscious level, Heman Melville must have understood that his own shitty writing would have gotten us all killed and stopped himself short of being awesome. That’s what happened with Samuel Taylor Colridge and Kubla Khan. The opiates wore off and he tore up the original manuscript, because it would have killed us all. In all likelihood, Nathaniel Hawthorne probably saw what Melville was up to and warned him off, while fending off his homosexual advances. This happens in all cases of End of the World prophecies. Recently: the May 21st/2011 apocalypse came and went without us knowing. The world did end, just like it did in Y2K, but the self-correcting nature of reality smoothed everything out. The world is destroyed just by believing it’s destroyed. Factually committing a powerful metaphor like this into print ensures it stays destroyed.
So take that: English Professor, and stuff it in your hipster retro pipe. Is that original enough for you? Arguing with me is like arguing with Batman, it gets you dropped off a building. If I submitted this in Grade 11, you know what it would have got me? An F+. They’ll want to punish my ideas as being too “revolutionary,” but still they’d be too afraid, because they’d know that anything with Batman in it can’t be wrong, except for Batman and Robin.