For your consideration: here is my list of movies whose titles would not have to change should they become gay pornos. Some are quite lazy, others I barely get. I present them in no order.
Glitter
What About Bob?
The Fast and Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious
The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift
Fast and Furious
Star Trek: Insurrection
Pokemon: The Movie
Troy
The Crying Game
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Meet the Fawkers
I Love You Man
The Soloist
Home Alone
Frost/Nixon
17 Again
State of Play
Sin City
X-Men
XXX
The Passion
Max Payne
12 Angry Men
Watchmen
The Third Man
The Pianist
Jaws
Strangers on a Train
Cool Hand Luke
8 1/2
The Grapes of Wrath
The Thing
Toy Story
Ed Wood
In the Heat of the Night
Good Will Hunting
Iron Man
The Iron Giant
The Wild Bunch
Little Big Man
How Green Was My Valley
Rear Window
Singin’ In the Rain
Show People
Some Like It Hot
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
The Great Dictator
Paths of Glory
Double Indemnity
Seance on a Wet Afternoon
Peeping Tom
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Au de Jedi.
What does Star Wars smells like?
I bet it smells like a nerf-herder. Nothing in the Star Wars Universe smells good. Do you think Luke Skywalker smells good, growing up on a farm on a desert planet? Luke reeks of permanent ass-sweat. Obi Wan too. That old bastard wears a dark robe with a hood in 150 degree heat. It's like finding a rotting old piece of ham behind a radiator. Chewie smells like a wet dog mixed with caked shit. Chewie is naked. Have you ever seen his asshole? No. Why? It's covered in hair. Every time he takes a shit, he shits all over his ass-hair. You can't wipe that away. He has to shower that away, and he's an eight-foot tall beast covered with greasy hair. He doesn't shower. Hans Solo? You can smell his S.T.D.s from outside the cantina. Same with Lando.
Darth Vader? He's a burnt, rotting corpse inside of a tin can. His entire body is a mass of pussing lesions. He smells of motor oil and the Holocaust. The only shocker in the entire Star War series is how Luke didn't puke when he pulled off his father's mask and breathed in that perfume.
Even the Death Star reeks. It's a completely man-made construct, with vents leading down to a trash compactor that's a muddy pit of garbage with some unknown, segmented one-eyed beast roaming freely around. That probably explains why all Storm/Clone Troopers wear full masks.
Princess Leia? Remember when Luke rescued her from her cell on the Death Star? Did you see a toilet in that scene? Did you see a toilet in the entire Star Wars saga? No. She was going in the corner.
Yoda? He lives in a swamp, and he's ancient. He's fucking green, for God's sake. That might not even be his original colour.
The worst? Jaba the Hutt. You can't tell me that a thousand-pound slug with a lust for slave girls doesn't smell like seven layers of hell stuffed in a burito and left out in the sun.
A Star Wars perfume is the anti-sex. Even if it's intended for children, that fragrance will linger with them for the rest of their lives. No matter what their sex, even the wild beasts of the forest will not rut with them, no matter how popular their character in Twilight is.
I bet it smells like a nerf-herder. Nothing in the Star Wars Universe smells good. Do you think Luke Skywalker smells good, growing up on a farm on a desert planet? Luke reeks of permanent ass-sweat. Obi Wan too. That old bastard wears a dark robe with a hood in 150 degree heat. It's like finding a rotting old piece of ham behind a radiator. Chewie smells like a wet dog mixed with caked shit. Chewie is naked. Have you ever seen his asshole? No. Why? It's covered in hair. Every time he takes a shit, he shits all over his ass-hair. You can't wipe that away. He has to shower that away, and he's an eight-foot tall beast covered with greasy hair. He doesn't shower. Hans Solo? You can smell his S.T.D.s from outside the cantina. Same with Lando.
Darth Vader? He's a burnt, rotting corpse inside of a tin can. His entire body is a mass of pussing lesions. He smells of motor oil and the Holocaust. The only shocker in the entire Star War series is how Luke didn't puke when he pulled off his father's mask and breathed in that perfume.
Even the Death Star reeks. It's a completely man-made construct, with vents leading down to a trash compactor that's a muddy pit of garbage with some unknown, segmented one-eyed beast roaming freely around. That probably explains why all Storm/Clone Troopers wear full masks.
Princess Leia? Remember when Luke rescued her from her cell on the Death Star? Did you see a toilet in that scene? Did you see a toilet in the entire Star Wars saga? No. She was going in the corner.
Yoda? He lives in a swamp, and he's ancient. He's fucking green, for God's sake. That might not even be his original colour.
The worst? Jaba the Hutt. You can't tell me that a thousand-pound slug with a lust for slave girls doesn't smell like seven layers of hell stuffed in a burito and left out in the sun.
A Star Wars perfume is the anti-sex. Even if it's intended for children, that fragrance will linger with them for the rest of their lives. No matter what their sex, even the wild beasts of the forest will not rut with them, no matter how popular their character in Twilight is.
Technorati Tags: Star Wars
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The Whitest Kids U’Know vs. Kids in the Hall
I’ve finished watching nearly every available episode for The Whitest Kids U’Know, which is criminally not available on my TV listings. The comparison to the Canadian comedy troupe Kids in the Hall is considerable. Both troupes, like Monty Python, are male dominated affairs where the male actors often portray even the women, like in classic Shakespearean theatre, only somehow more gay. As I write this, I’m watching Kids in the Hall actor Scott Thomson, a gay male, mounting his straight male counterpart, who is dressed in drag. Comedy ensues.
One of the main difference between the two is how they approach the topic of women. Kids in the Hall are reverent of women, who often seem like they’re impersonating their own sisters and mothers. The Whitest Kids U’Know treat women like a different species. Phrases like, “knuckle sandwiches,” come into play. Strangely, though, the Whitest Kids U’Know look better in drag. Wig technology has come a long way since the early 90’s.
One of the main difference between the two is how they approach the topic of women. Kids in the Hall are reverent of women, who often seem like they’re impersonating their own sisters and mothers. The Whitest Kids U’Know treat women like a different species. Phrases like, “knuckle sandwiches,” come into play. Strangely, though, the Whitest Kids U’Know look better in drag. Wig technology has come a long way since the early 90’s.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Bearrorism
It has come to my attention that wild bears roaming deeper into the cityscape in search of food has become an increasing problem as of late. Cute news stories about bears opening doors to enter Subway restaurants end tragically with said bears being shot. I say that these animals need not be destroyed needlessly, nay, for they can aid us in our struggle against terrorism.
The idea is simple: bears, in bear suits. You remember the bear suit, of course, and probably the man who made it. This is not a suit in the guise of a bear, but rather a hand-crafted suit of armour capable of taking a bear swat to the face and leaving the wearer intact. Yet, the suit it cumbersome and heavy, and it's better suited for a creature of greater strength, like say: a bear. An armoured bear is the ultimate weapon. In the history of Man Vs. Nature, no man has ever taken down a bear without a knife, a bow, a gun, or perhaps a rock. What happens when those weapons become useless? The bear wins.
So why not let them win? We should be capturing these beasts when they trespass on our land, then equip them with special armour. What comes next is pure genius:
We fly them to Afghanistan, but not before we deliver a special care package of salmon, berries, and honey. Terrorist will collect these items and retreat with them back into their caves. Then we drop the bears. The bears will naturally seek out a cave to make their new dens. There, they will find terrorists, heavy and groaning with Pacific fresh salmon, and dripping with honey.
All hell breaks loose. Bears 1/Terrorists 0.
But what of the greatest terrorist of all, Osama Bin Laden? Better yet, call him, "Salmon Bin Laden", which is what we will tell our alpha bear we've specially trained to seek out and destroy him. This bear will have the most advanced armour know to man, and shall be dubbed, "Iron Bear." A bear is one thing: a bear with a flame thrower and jetpack is another.
If you think this is just shameful animal cruelty, think again. 1: The bears are protected with armour. 2: The bears are being fed a delicious meal. 3: The bears get their own caves to live in.
After all, what's the worst that can happen?
The idea is simple: bears, in bear suits. You remember the bear suit, of course, and probably the man who made it. This is not a suit in the guise of a bear, but rather a hand-crafted suit of armour capable of taking a bear swat to the face and leaving the wearer intact. Yet, the suit it cumbersome and heavy, and it's better suited for a creature of greater strength, like say: a bear. An armoured bear is the ultimate weapon. In the history of Man Vs. Nature, no man has ever taken down a bear without a knife, a bow, a gun, or perhaps a rock. What happens when those weapons become useless? The bear wins.
So why not let them win? We should be capturing these beasts when they trespass on our land, then equip them with special armour. What comes next is pure genius:
We fly them to Afghanistan, but not before we deliver a special care package of salmon, berries, and honey. Terrorist will collect these items and retreat with them back into their caves. Then we drop the bears. The bears will naturally seek out a cave to make their new dens. There, they will find terrorists, heavy and groaning with Pacific fresh salmon, and dripping with honey.
All hell breaks loose. Bears 1/Terrorists 0.
But what of the greatest terrorist of all, Osama Bin Laden? Better yet, call him, "Salmon Bin Laden", which is what we will tell our alpha bear we've specially trained to seek out and destroy him. This bear will have the most advanced armour know to man, and shall be dubbed, "Iron Bear." A bear is one thing: a bear with a flame thrower and jetpack is another.
If you think this is just shameful animal cruelty, think again. 1: The bears are protected with armour. 2: The bears are being fed a delicious meal. 3: The bears get their own caves to live in.
After all, what's the worst that can happen?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Bombo!
As I predicted, the inaugural episode of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon was decidedly unentertaining. As with all traditional late-night talk shows, it began with his monologue. An overexcited audience immediately threw him off his game with an energy he couldn't match. He joked about people being more excited hearing him mention their own home states than the jokes themselves, and he was right. I remember laughing once, but I can't remember what I was laughing at: him, or the jokes.
For his house band, he has The Roots. While that's a coup, they seem oddly out of place next to Fallon, a lot like Jay Leno was with his original band leader. The difference is The Roots are more than willing to participate with Fallon's shennanagins. With Leno, you could never tell if he was about to be stabbed or not by a man trying to break free from Uncle Tom's cabin.
The set looks like it was stitched together from rejected SNL sets. If you look at Saturday Night Live over the years, you'll know that the main stages have never looked good. The set designers are obsessed with making the studio look as gritty like back-alley New York as possible, to the extent that there's street lights, subway signs and giant exhaust fans everywhere. Jimmy Fallon's set goes one further by setting the stage under a bridge. You'd almost expect a rat to crawl out. The Roots have to play on fire escape, like they're in West Side Story. It's not a place someone would want to be for overly long.
For some reason, they had a sketch about one of their demographics, blonde mothers, which seemed funnier than it was. It could actually pay out if they continued with it and explored weirder demographics, like EMO kids, or Japanese school girls.
Afterwards, the show turned into a bad night at the club, with a contest for studio audience members to lick something for $10. It reminded me of one of those douchebag club hosts that always have some weird game to play, and it only serves to distract people for a few seconds from the fact that the music sucks, the drinks are overpriced, and all the girls are lucky the lights are so dark.
Then Jimmy got to the guests. The first was Robert De Niro, who despite being in a sketch with Jimmy appearing later on, (which was terrible), seemed uncomfortable to be there. Or perhaps he was just acting that way. He is Robert De Niro, after all.
The next guest was Justin Timberlake, and Van Morrison, but we all know that everyone after the first guest is just filler. Jimmy got Justin to sing something goofy, and I completely tuned out when the band came on.
The whole thing is pretty standard fare, in a world where late night television had gone completely stagnant about fifteen years ago. Jimmy hasn't brought anything new or exciting to the equation, just the same old formula, with a complete lack of expertise.
You know what blows my mind, though? When you see Letterman bomb a joke, and it's still awkward. If he didn't have Paul Schaffer to turn to and laugh it off, he'd have another heart attack. The guy's been in the industry since forever. He does the same thing every night. He's a pro, and he still stumbles. Jimmy's just a rookie by most standards. When he bombs a joke, it's painful. He hasn't learnt that magic technique to turn to whoever's closest, and make some mocking comment about how bad the joke is. He needs a sidekick, just so he can look over and say, "What'd you think of that one? Nice suit. I didn't realize Wal-Mart had formal attire."
For his house band, he has The Roots. While that's a coup, they seem oddly out of place next to Fallon, a lot like Jay Leno was with his original band leader. The difference is The Roots are more than willing to participate with Fallon's shennanagins. With Leno, you could never tell if he was about to be stabbed or not by a man trying to break free from Uncle Tom's cabin.
The set looks like it was stitched together from rejected SNL sets. If you look at Saturday Night Live over the years, you'll know that the main stages have never looked good. The set designers are obsessed with making the studio look as gritty like back-alley New York as possible, to the extent that there's street lights, subway signs and giant exhaust fans everywhere. Jimmy Fallon's set goes one further by setting the stage under a bridge. You'd almost expect a rat to crawl out. The Roots have to play on fire escape, like they're in West Side Story. It's not a place someone would want to be for overly long.
For some reason, they had a sketch about one of their demographics, blonde mothers, which seemed funnier than it was. It could actually pay out if they continued with it and explored weirder demographics, like EMO kids, or Japanese school girls.
Afterwards, the show turned into a bad night at the club, with a contest for studio audience members to lick something for $10. It reminded me of one of those douchebag club hosts that always have some weird game to play, and it only serves to distract people for a few seconds from the fact that the music sucks, the drinks are overpriced, and all the girls are lucky the lights are so dark.
Then Jimmy got to the guests. The first was Robert De Niro, who despite being in a sketch with Jimmy appearing later on, (which was terrible), seemed uncomfortable to be there. Or perhaps he was just acting that way. He is Robert De Niro, after all.
The next guest was Justin Timberlake, and Van Morrison, but we all know that everyone after the first guest is just filler. Jimmy got Justin to sing something goofy, and I completely tuned out when the band came on.
The whole thing is pretty standard fare, in a world where late night television had gone completely stagnant about fifteen years ago. Jimmy hasn't brought anything new or exciting to the equation, just the same old formula, with a complete lack of expertise.
You know what blows my mind, though? When you see Letterman bomb a joke, and it's still awkward. If he didn't have Paul Schaffer to turn to and laugh it off, he'd have another heart attack. The guy's been in the industry since forever. He does the same thing every night. He's a pro, and he still stumbles. Jimmy's just a rookie by most standards. When he bombs a joke, it's painful. He hasn't learnt that magic technique to turn to whoever's closest, and make some mocking comment about how bad the joke is. He needs a sidekick, just so he can look over and say, "What'd you think of that one? Nice suit. I didn't realize Wal-Mart had formal attire."
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Dear God, No.
Time may have erased our memories, but I expect most people will find themselves remembering just how terrible Jimmy Fallon is come this Monday with the premier of, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. In a long history of Weekend Update on SNL, Jimmy Fallon ranked somewhere in between Collin Quinn and Dennis Miller. I say, "In between," because I can't decide which of those two is worse. Remember how no-name Tina Fey had to back him up as his co-host, because he couldn't handle the enormous responsibility of reading off cue cards on his own without having a giggling fit? The saddest thing is that there actually exists a, "Best of Jimmy Fallon" DVD. Seeing that on the shelves next to Chris Farley and Phil Hartman makes me want to puke.
For some reason, people thought he'd go on to be a big sensation like Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, or Will Ferrel, all of whom have made terrible, terrible movies, repeatedly, and without apology. Arguably, they haven't made any movie as bad as, "Taxi," in which he plays "the dude," next to Queen Latifa's straight-up gangsta bitch taxi-driver, with her pimped out ghetto taxi. His movie credits after that fiasco seemed to dwindle.
He even released a comedy album he sings on, in the highest voice imaginable. I don't think you could even find it in the bargain bin selection. Remember how Adam Sandler put out hilarious albums people use to play at parties, or even the new Incredibad album? This wasn't it.
Then again, in a world with Jimmy Kimmel, is he really the worst choice? At least he has some hosting experience. Conan O'Brien's biggest credit before becoming a host was writing a couple episodes for The Simpsons.
In other news, Ed McMahon contracted bone cancer right before Conan O'Brien takes over the Tonight Show. Is he trying to tell us something?
Late-Night TV is dead to me anyway. I can't stay up that late anymore, and even if I do, I usually watch The Daily Show or the Colbert Report. I can barely make it to the end of SNL anymore, not like there's a lot of incentive for me to do that anyway.
For some reason, people thought he'd go on to be a big sensation like Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, or Will Ferrel, all of whom have made terrible, terrible movies, repeatedly, and without apology. Arguably, they haven't made any movie as bad as, "Taxi," in which he plays "the dude," next to Queen Latifa's straight-up gangsta bitch taxi-driver, with her pimped out ghetto taxi. His movie credits after that fiasco seemed to dwindle.
He even released a comedy album he sings on, in the highest voice imaginable. I don't think you could even find it in the bargain bin selection. Remember how Adam Sandler put out hilarious albums people use to play at parties, or even the new Incredibad album? This wasn't it.
Then again, in a world with Jimmy Kimmel, is he really the worst choice? At least he has some hosting experience. Conan O'Brien's biggest credit before becoming a host was writing a couple episodes for The Simpsons.
In other news, Ed McMahon contracted bone cancer right before Conan O'Brien takes over the Tonight Show. Is he trying to tell us something?
Late-Night TV is dead to me anyway. I can't stay up that late anymore, and even if I do, I usually watch The Daily Show or the Colbert Report. I can barely make it to the end of SNL anymore, not like there's a lot of incentive for me to do that anyway.
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