Biggest Douche In the Universe

I was reading an online article that ranked the biggest celebrity douchebags by votes. Number one was Kanye West. Number two was Kim Kardashian, meaning the worst two douchebags in the world are creating a baby together. That’s troubling to say the least. Number three was Chris Brown, and that made the whole list fall apart.

Let’s recap: This is the douchiest thing Kanye West ever did:

“Imma gonna eat your award.”

This is him interrupting an award show to promote Beyonce’s video. The award itself was meaningless. “Best Female Music Video.” What the hell is that? MTV doesn’t even air music videos anymore, but they’ll host the awards shows. All music videos are anymore are the crap you watch on youtube when you’re bored of cat videos and nut shots. America lost it’s shit. Kanye had to get his mom and apologize on national TV. This was the equivalent of a black man whistling at a white woman in the rural South in the 1950’s. By comparison, 50 Cent did the exact same thing to Evanescence during the Grammy’s.

“Bitch, please!”

Only it wasn’t to console the other nominee… oh wait, it was: Himself. He went up on stage to psyche out a wispy little white woman when he didn’t win his meaningless award, because he thought he was better. It was barely news, because he’s a straight-up gangsta, foo’.

The second worst thing Kanye ever did was to go off-card and say, “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people!” during his Katrina telephon appearance.

This is Canadian, Michael Myers, about to be excommunicated from America.

So what? Both times he got a little emotional and had an outburst. Shit comes out of his mouth that he can’t control. The dude calls it like he sees it. Does that make him a douche, or do the retro 80’s Georgie LaForge glasses do?

I remember having a pair of glasses like this when I was eight in ‘88. It would be two more decades until I got laid.

Now that’s he’s 50% of Kimye Westdasyshian, the third douchiest thing he ever did would be to bang Kim Kardashian, the newest incarnation of Paris Hilton. And who could blame him? Dat ass.

In comparison, this is the worst thing Number 3 Chris Brown ever did:

He fucked up his then-girlfriend and fellow musician and collaborator’s face this badly, the night before they were supposed to perform their career-defining duet, and has since acted more-or-less completely unapologetic and has even gone so far as to have this tattooed on his neck.

Now, a lot of people (mostly dip-shit idiots on twitter) might say it’s not my place to judge. That this is really just between him and Rihanna. In times of doubt like this, I look at my bracelet and think, “WWDD?”

Batman would beat the ever-loving shit out of Chris Brown. Think about all the times you’ve fucked up. Have you ever fucked up so badly you deserved a holy-beat-down from Batman? The kind where you end up suspended above the ground by your ankles with a gloved Bat-fist choking you while he scream in your face? That’s pretty much how badly Chris Brown fucked up. Even Superman would beat the ever-loving shit out of him, and he’s basically Jesus.

Just to show you I’m not fucking around, this is one of the earliest Superman comics, showing him beating a wife beater.

If Batman is beating you into a fine paste, and then Superman shows up to finish the job, you’re probably a fucking asshole.

People hate on Kanye more because… well he kind of is a douche. A talented douche, but a douche nevertheless. Is he the biggest douche? No. He’s spirited, not downright repulsive.

Glee Vs. Jonathan Coulton

The internet is getting pissy about Glee ripping off Jonathan Coulton, who himself ripped off Sir Mix-A-Lot. I personally heard slowed-down cover by Richard Cheese that was essentially the same thing. Hell, Ross singing, “Baby Got Back,” on Friends was a lot similar. Basically, the internet is upset that Glee ripped of the last guy in line to rip off Sir Mix-A-Lot. This is one of those cases where the internet doesn’t know what to be mad at, so they’ll be mad at the most girly thing in the non-feud, which is Glee.

Bieberosity

I’m not necessarily a Bieber-hater. I don’t have the time to do the research into his songs, his twitter feed, and the underlying culture surrounding him to truly, truly hate him and his stupid hair. But I will say something about one of his songs. Ever switch through stations on the radio and hear part of a song, and not realize who’s singing it until you hear the DJ explain after, and then you feel dirty and unclean, right down to your soul? That happened to me and one of Bieber’s songs. That “Beauty and the Beast” one, which goes:

“All I need now to make my life complete/Is a Beauty and a Beast.”

What? What does that even mean? How am I suppose to interpret that? Are you like, way into Beauty and the Beast, the Disney film, and you have to be watching it all the time like a comic book store employees and Star Wars? Do you have it playing on a constant loop in your tour bus? Do you bring groupies, or Selina Gomez, or Selina Gomez groupies onto your bus and force them to watch it with you, your eyes not even focused on the screen as your lips move along with the words?

It’s like you’re complementing a woman on her beauty and saying to need her to be part of your life, but then you also need some really ugly chick too. Maybe there’s two friends, and you’re trying to fuck them both, and this is your way of telling them without really saying which one is the ugly one. It’s up to them to decide through a bitchy catfight who’s the prettiest, while you sit on your custom-built throne and laugh like you’re Geoffrey. Or maybe he’s so jaded at 19-whatever that he has to fuck a pretty girl and fugly girl at the same time just to get to normal/half-hard. It’s like how the golden Persian dude in 300 had topless belly dancers, and some of them had like faces growing out of their faces. Bieber is that Persian dude with all the piercings.

His life is “complete?” Is he going to kill himself? Is this a cry for help? After his frantic, confused mating will he retire to the bathroom, huddle in the shower and smear his face with lipstick while holding a gun to his temple? Does he even realize what effects “completeing” his life at 19-whatever could have on him? All his hopes, dreams and ambition would bleed out of him until he’s nothing but a shell with stupid hair.

Is he a Beast? Has he been cursed by an evil witch? Is that why his hair is so stupid? Is he going to die if the last rose petal falls? Also, why did the witch in Beauty and the Beast turn all the Beast’s servants into candles, cupboards and tea pots? That was a bitch move. Those people didn’t do anything to deserve that sort of punishment. The Beast got off relatively easy. I mean he still has hands and feet. Chip was just a kid, and now he’s a teacup with a chip in it. Did he have that chip to start with? If he shatters, does he die, or does he keeping on living a sham of life, still able to feel the pain of every broken piece, unable to move or even cry out against a cold and uncaring universe? What about that gay French candlestick guy? He has lit candles for hands. That melting wax is the closest thing he has to flesh, and it can detach from his body. What happens if the candles burn out? Is he in constant firey pain? Plus what happens if the Beast actually dies after the last rose petal falls? Do they keep on going, or do they turn into inanimate objects permanently. Fuck…. Maybe that’s why the Beauty fell in love with the Beast, just to release these poor people from their eternal torment.

Ghost F**kers

Ke$ha claims she’s had sex with a ghost. Likely, the ghost has now contracted Chlamydia.

Stranger still, this is a common phenomenon, and answers one of the most obvious questions about ghosts, namely: if you could haunt the location of your choice, why do ghost end up haunting abandoned, ramshackle houses like spectral crackheads? Think about it: if you could be trapped somewhere, wouldn’t you rather haunt the group shower of the Dallas Cheerleaders than someplace that smells like cat pee and sadness?

Better still, if you could have consequence-free sex with anyone, why wouldn’t you, even if you now have a ghost penis? Why you would chose Ke$ha, I don’t know. Maybe you’re on your way up to Heaven and want one last chance to know what eternal suffering might feel like. Or maybe the body literally disintegrated from disease and shame, leaving only the ghost behind?

The Worst Song Ever

"Whistle"

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
I'm betting you like bebop
And I'm betting you love freak mode
And I'm betting you like girls that give love to girls
And stroke your little ego
I bet I'm guilty your honor
that's just how we live in my genre
Who in the hell done paved the road wider?
There's only one flo, and one rida
I'm a damn shame
Order more champagne, pull a damn hamstring
Tryna put it on ya
Bet your lips spin back around corner
Slow it down baby take a little longer
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whistle baby, whistle baby
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Whistle baby, whistle baby
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
It's like everywhere I go
My whistle ready to blow
Shorty don't leave a note
She can get any by the low
Permission not approved
It's okay, it's under control
Show me soprano, cause girl you can handle
Baby we start snagging, you come up in part clothes
Girl I'm losing wing, my Bugatti the same road
Show me your perfect pitch,
You got it my banjo
Talented with your lips, like you blew out candles
So amusing, now you can make a whistle with the music
Hope you ain't got no issue, you can do it
Even if it no picture, never lose it
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Go girl you can twerk it
Let me see your whistle while you work it
I'mma lay it back, don't stop it
Cause I love it how you drop it, drop it, drop it, on me
Now, shorty let that whistle blow
Yeah, baby let that whistle blow
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
Whistle baby
(Whistle baby, whistle baby)
Whistle baby
(Whistle baby, whistle baby)
Whistle baby
(Whistle baby, whistle baby)
Whistle baby
(Whistle baby, whistle baby)

This is the worst song ever written. First off, it’s less subtle than the song, “Closer,” by NIN, in which the lyrics read, “I want to fuck you like an animal.” It’s a song about receiving oral sex from someone who clearly does not know how to perform it, by someone who’s never had it. He insists he’s, “Gonna show you how to do it.” A man should not demonstrate how to give oral sex for a woman. It’d turn into that scene from, “Ol’ School” where Andy Dick teaches a blowjob class.

I got very lucky with this google search for, “Ol’ School Blow Job Class,” but now I have to erase my search history.

The fact he has to teach a woman, (if it is a woman and not a man or vacuum cleaner or himself with his lower ribs removed), how to perform fellatio, and the line, “I bet I'm guilty your honor; that's just how we live in my genre,” leads me to believe that this girl is very under-aged. Like R. Kelly under-aged.
Then there’s the whole, “whistle,” and, “blow,” part of this song. It’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure there’s no, “blowing,” in, “blowjobs.” That would hurt like a motherfucker, but maybe a man with a name that sounds like a state full of old people is into. I guess the human wang does look somewhat like a whistle, but this implies that his wiener is short and flat, and there’s a second slot at the base of his shaft. Is he a He-She.

In a sense, this is a song about a whistle. They could have alluded to that by including a whistle in the music. Instead they whistle, sans whistle. So there’s a third meaning for whistle here, and it’s not clever at all. In fact, it makes less sense than before. Is this supposed to be the woman factually whistling on his dick? How is that fucking possible? It reminds me of a dirty French movie I saw (although strangely enough it was a legitimate theatre movie and not a porno on Showcase or Bravo back in the days when they showed those sorts of things), where the dude goes to see a prostitute, because he hears she can sing the French national anthem while giving him head. She obliges him, but her only condition besides cold, hard cash and a cock to go with it is he turn out the lights. Halfway through, he turns on the lights, and there’s a glass eye sitting on the table next to him. She was giving him a socket job. Flo Rida, if that is your real name, you need to start looking down when you get head, because you might be getting the wrong part of the head.

This song was basically an excuse for someone to feature their whistling talents in a public forum, in the guise of a terrible song, and they botched it. And it’s still a hit song, because people are idiots. Mindless fucking idiots.

Christmas Time

I did some quick calculations, and found out that I’ve listened to approximately 1,500 hours of Christmas music in my life. Nearly 1,300 hours of that has been from the last nine years alone. This is a result of working retail where Christmas music plays constantly on a non-stop rotation from late November to late December/early January. The songs in their playlist automatically become my most listened to songs by default, as the song rotation is fairly short, and I listen to roughly 130 hours each year.. The top listened-to songs on my iPod don’t even come close in terms of time played, even combined. Christmas music comprises 1/12th of all music that reaches my ears. None of this is by choice, mind you. I have, and still listen to Christmas music by choice, but it differs greatly by content, artists, and target audience than the songs I listen to at work, or in malls and stores, and makes up a tiny fraction of total Christmas music I’ve listened to. It’s hard to gauge, but I believe I may have listened to over a hundred hours of Christmas music intentionally, be it on record, on television specials and movies, singing or instrumental, or in concerts and pageants.

My point is that I’ve mentally broken, and have long since gone insane, and am now a danger to myself and others.

Like Jagger

Does anyone in this Generation (Generation X2: X-Men United) know who Mick Jagger is? Because they keep referencing him inappropriately. It’s like that game hipsters play with Smirnoff Ice, only with Jagger. It started with Ke$ha when she “sang” the “lyrics,” “..Kick him to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger,” insinuating that she would only ever give up her tainted meat to someone who looks like this.

…

This is one of the better photos of him. It’s not as if I spent twenty minutes on google image. All I did was type in, “Mick Jagger,” then copy-and-pasted one of the more recent photos. This is a picture of what Ke$ha is into, sexually speaking. People have their kinks, and I’m not going to disrespect that. I’m just saying he’s 100, and he looks his age. I’ve seen mummies that look better preserved than this. If you looked like this, they’d give you a closed casket ceremony. The only reason Jagger still performs with Keith Richards is so he can look younger by comparison. Even back when he was young, and had two functioning hips, he still looked bizarre. He looked like that P.T. Barnum and Bailey’s mermaid exhibit with the monkey sewn onto a fish. His mouth looks like the scene in the Pirate of the Carribean when the Kraken swallowed Jack Sparrow. Or, alternatively: Ke$ha’s girly bits. Ke$ha can almost be forgiven though, as the decisions of a person whom, “brush their teeth with a bottle of Jack,” aren’t necessarily the best.

Now there’s this damn song with the phrase, “Moves like Jagger. I’ve got the moves like Jagger. I’ve got the moo-o-o-oooves like Jagger.”

This is how Jagger moves:

Jagger moves like a hopped up coke-head with no sense of shame, and no remorse. It’s as if his every movement is designed to accentuate just how poor his choice of wardrobe is. There are many musicians that are known for their moves. Michael Jackson immediately comes to mind, and would fit perfectly into the framework of this song, but that’s probably a lawsuit waiting to happen. If you’re not sued by the Jackson estate, you’d be arrested for confessing to pedophilia.

It would seem that these… I don’t know what they are… somehow idolize the man, but care nothing for his work. Jagger has contributed a lot, and it seems like none of his lessons have rubbed off on these new musicians. There’s no correlation between the two. You can’t listen to these songs and think, “This is just a tribute.” I have no idea what to even call this modern genre, except Auto-Tune Pop, or Crap.

Jagger had to snort a lot of coke to get where he is today. I just don’t think these kids have what it takes to be that great.

Is Kanye West a Time-Traveler?

LiveJournal Tags: Kanye West,time travel,music

The answer: yes.

Consider his outlandish garb and tell me those shades aren’t from the future, or from a Wolworth’s store circa 1987.

 

They are!

Consider his message at the VMAs. “Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time.” Of all time. General douche-baggery, or a warning from the future?

Did Dropout Bear dropout of college, or time?

The answer: time.

Movies and Music are Pissing me off.

Music:

Eminem:

You’re pissing me off. You’re still going on about being a good father to your daughter. It’s been like ten years. Your daughter’s probably old enough to be in college and hanging out with the Kardashians. You’re going to be a grandfather soon. Deal with change.

This whole album of yours, “Recovery.” What the hell are you recovering from? Sleeping pills? That’s a wussy thing to be addicted to. Go talk to rock stars like Scott Weiland and ask him about addiction. They’re more addiction than man, and they put out better albums because of it. This whole album is like a sleeping pill, because it’s putting me to sleep.

Also, your lyrics haven’t gotten any better. Here’s a sample from, “Love the Way You Lie”:

Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

NO. That’s not why they call it, “window pane.”

Also: Rhianna isn’t Dido.

Go retire again, and dye your hair blond.

Britney Spears:

While we’re on the subject of terrible, misguided lyrics, nobody wants to, “F-U-C-K,” you. Go do a duet with Eminem and trade pills.

Aerosmith:

“Deuces Are Wild,” is the worst song ever written by man, assuming Steven Tyler is a man. Here’s a sample:

slammed the door so hard I fell out of bed, screamin’ momma’s little baby loves shortnin’ bread.

No one has ever screamed that out of surprise, or pain. It’s not something that gets screamed.

The song also contains numerous references to fecalphilia:

I love to look into your big brown eye

‘Cause deuces are wild

Not to mention pedophilia:

I’ve been lovin’ you since you were a child

Go trade some pills with Britney and Eminem.

Movies:

Chris Brown:

He beats the living shit out of Rhianna and now he gets to make a movie? Because why? How does that work? He’s not even an actor. Like there wasn’t enough black actors out there, or rappers who could take the job (assumingly because they were all cast in “Lottery Ticket”)? Why is he being rewarded like this? No one even bought his last album. Fuck you. Now go beat the shit out of Steven Tyler, Eminem, and Britney.

Movie Theatres:

I’ve just realized how awesome it would be if they served alcohol at movies. Why don’t they? They do it at concerts, sporting events, and everywhere else. Why not the movies? What’s the worst that could happen? Someone smashes a bottle over the back of someone’s head for talking during the movie. THAT SHOULD HAPPEN. Or maybe someone throws up in the aisles. The floor’s already sticky.

Harry Potter:

Every Harry Potter movie begins with him being horribly abused by his family. All his friends and teachers knows this shit is going on, and they don’t do a fucking thing. So basically, after each movie ends, there’s a a scene like this:

“Thank you, Harry Potter, for saving the school. Now off to your overweight uncle who will whip you and lock you in a closet over your summer vacation.”

LiveJournal Tags: movies,music

Oh Kanye.

I love waking up and finding out a celebrity has disgraced themselves on national TV. During an acceptance speech by Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards (yes, MTV still clings to the false claim they’re a music video channel), Kanye West burst onstage and told the world that, “Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time.”
…Really? “Of all time?” Did you watch her video? It’s basically just her shaking her ass, which is all she does in all her videos and stage performances, because she’s Beyonce. Perhaps there is some subtle art to ass-shaking that I’m not familiar with. Perhaps she was retelling her sad story of, “growing up in the hood.” To me, nothing really stands out about it. Maybe you meant to say, “Beyonce has one of the best booties of all time.” Then all of this would have blown over.
They’re music videos. Their cultural relevance is just slightly above porn. If they were important enough, the channel airing their annual awards ceremony would also play music videos in regular rotation instead of shows about Tia Tequila trying to get laid. They’re not, however, and today, music videos are just something that end up on youtube next to videos of laughing babies and bloggers ranting about celebrities doing the shit you’re doing.
Seriously: no one cares about music videos. Ever. Why would you get your panties in a bunch over something like this? It’s not the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election. No one was robbed, because there’s nothing to steal. It’s immaterial.
Did you think it was some sort of race thing? That Taylor Swift was ripping off a black woman. Was it a, “Taylor Swift doesn’t care about black people?” kind of situation? It wasn’t.
This was a dick move all around. Not a, “Chris Brown assaulting Rhianna,” kind of dick move, but still…

Technorati Tags: Kanye West,Taylor Swift,MTV Video Awards
Graduation [Explicit]

Sorry Mr.Jackson, I am for Real.

Since his death, speaking ill of Michael Jackson has become taboo. Fans have refused to acknowledge his controversial lifestyle, so I will bide my time until reality takes over. In the meantime, let me speak of Michael’s father, Joe Jackson.
Michael Jackson publically disowned his father, and accused him of physical abuse and even hinted at sexual abuse. Latoya Jackson, his sister, confirmed this. Don’t believe me? Look it up. I’m not a reporter, or a professional blogger. It’s not my job to hyperlink for you. Want a hyperlink? Here. Yeah, it’s old. Deal. Does it make me less reputable? Yes it does, but I’m a man of ill-repute. Why build myself up? This story is not about me, it’s about the Jacksons.
Despite the rift in the family, the media has conducted numerous interviews with Joe Jackson, because you can’t interview a dead man. His insights have been less than inspiring. The popular belief among the Jackson family is that Michael was murdered.
…Okay. By who? His doctor? His ex-wife? A crazed fan? MacCully Culkin? Elvis Presley? O.J.? Who? Seriously, WTF? Michael was an over-the-hill pill-popper who survived being set on fire and underwent plastic surgery as many time as Joan Rivers. Look at this picture:


That’s a healthy looking fro. Now, look at this one:


…That’s scary as hell.
You can’t tell me that man is healthy. He’s had 90% of his face restructured.  Skin, nose, cheeks, eyes, lips, and a John Travolta chin-cleft for wind resistance. Why? He was a good lookin’ guy. Remember early on when he had his nose done? That was unnecessary, but acceptable. Should have stopped there, but he’s not the first person to go overboard with cosmetic surgery. Thing is: he was addicted to painkillers. The media’s rumour is that he took 10,000 pills in a six month period. That’s more than some AIDS patients take. You can’t take more than eight Aspirin in a day without risking death, so explain how 55 pills a day isn’t probable grounds for death? Most of those were pain pills. Y’know: the ones that killed Elvis. So pills can take down the King, but not the Prince of Pop? Remember Marilyn Monroe? Pills. People OD.
If it was murder, why would anyone murder Michael Jackson by giving him a heart attack? Candy is dandy, but guns are quicker. I doubt he was the target of international assassins. Best bet is poor medical advice. Plus you can’t really blame the doctors in this case. A man who cares so little about his well-being as to totally transform his physical appearance beyond recognition isn’t likely to listen to the advice of his doctors, no matter how much he’s paying them. No doubt it was the cheques Michael was signing that made the doctors ignore their Hippocratic oath, and pumped him full of so many drugs it eventually killed him. That doesn’t make it murder, even if it’s still criminal.
Fact is : Joe Jackson’s desperate for attention. This is a man who beat his kids with a belt until they got their dance routines down pat, all so he could live on easy street. Plus he’s up to his old tricks again: he was heard saying how Michael’s daughter has a career in

LiveJournal Tags: Jackson

music and used the opportunity for his son’s death to announce he’s starting his own record company. Classy. Way to make lemons into lemonade, you parasite.

This is Not the Greatest Song in the World. No, This is Just a Tribute.

LiveJournal Tags: Michael Jackson,P-Diddy

Recently, I jokingly predicted that P-Diddy (also known as Wendy) would produce a tribute to Michael Jackson. This has come to pass. Twenty-four hours after his death, P-Diddy came out with a song dedicated to the fallen star. It features lyrics like, “I’m Michael Jackson. You’re Michael Jackson. We’re all Michael Jackson.” No sir, I am not Michael Jackson, for I have not touched a monkey, nor are you, if the quality of your music is any indication.
Even though it sounds rushed, the song had to have been in development for months now. Meaning: P-Diddy, who owes his entire career to the death of B.I.G., has been writing memorial songs remembering celebrities WHO HAVEN’T DIED YET. It’s like he writes obituaries, only he doesn’t work for a newspaper.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever hard up for cash I can produce an album dedicated to Wilford Brimley, pop it onto i-Tunes 10 seconds after he dies, and make a load of cash. Maybe I’ll start hooking celebrities up to Life-Alert, so when they fall and can’t get up, I know when to make my mint.
The worst part about this P-Diddy song is that is features CHRIS BROWN, who’s just been convicted of assaulting Rihanna. So here’s the situation: there’s about 10,000,000 Hip-Hop, R&B, rap singers out there in the world today, and P-Diddy picked the one man accused and convicted of beating the living shit out of his woman, who far from being some dumb ho in a trailer park, is one of the most beautiful women in the world. I have no sympathy for this fucker: especially since he essentially got off Scott Free. He’s still a fucking multi-millionaire, he doesn’t have to do jail time, and Rihanna still wants his dick. Did you see the picture of her afterwards? It wasn’t pretty. Chris Brown didn’t just smack this bitch, he beat her until her face was black and blue.
It’s like if I went out and did a song about Caligula with the ghost of Ike Turner.
Also: this whole situation has me thinking P-Diddy kills people to make money off songs he writes.

Jacko Deado!

So Michael Jackson is dead, but as we know from his Thriller video, death is not always the end. M.J. died of cardiac arrest, but I think everyone was expecting him to go out more extravagantly. After all: this was a man who survived being set on fire and endured numerous elected surgeries. I always thought he might be mauled to death by a vengeful Bubbles, or a traumatized Macaully Culkin. Maybe he’d choke on a diamond encrusted glove, or fall out a window as he was dangling his baby. These are more suiting ends for the world’s most famous acquitted child molester.
It would have been better if he had gone down years ago, after the bizarre rumours of his lifestyle first started surfacing. Honestly, he hasn’t accomplished that much since the 80’s. HIStory is better left forgotten, and his singing about being, “black or white,” is probably the most ironic song since Allanis Moirrsette’s, “Ironic.”
He was supposed to do a huge performance in London, where molesting children is still considered okay. Maybe Latoya can fill in for him. I secretly think they’re the same person anyway. Will his family even show up to his funeral? I don’t think he even talked to them after that video he did with Janet. If they do come, it’ll be the first time we’ll see Tito since 1985. Tito: the NORMAL Jackson.
Other things to be thankful for:
1: We don’t have to worry about him molesting our children anymore.
2: We can look forward to post-mortem albums and P-Diddy tributes.
3: They might turn Neverland into a new Graceland.
4: NEVER CONVICTED: So you never know: maybe he didn’t. The eternal debate will continue.
5: His kids can stop wearing Eyes Wide Shut masks in public.
6: We’ve never seen his genitalia.
7: Awesome M.J. auctions to pay off his debts.
8: Tell-all books that tell-all.
9: We don’t have to worry about him throwing his kids out the window anymore.
10: He couldn’t get any whiter anyway.
In other news: crazy-bitch Farrah Fawcett is dead too. This comes a few weeks after David Carradine kicked the bucket: and by kick the bucket I mean: auto-erotic aphyxiated himself. Which can only mean someone’s picking off celebrities who’ve lost all relevance decades ago.

Technorati Tags: Michael Jackson

'00-'09 R.I.P.

With less than eleventh months in the decade, I'm going to call it: the '00's were the most irrelevant decade for music, ever. No one created any major artistic musical movement or trend, like Grunge or Pop. The only thing that came close was Krunk and EMO, and I don't even want to get into how much those two "genres" suck, and how they're virtually indistinguishable from their Hip-Hop and Pop/Punk counterparts. It's funny too, because we started the decade stealing as much music as we could by illegally downloading it off of Napster, and we ended with illegally downloading it off of bittorrents. With that virtually inexhaustible source of reference, you think someone could have cobbled something together and called it, "new," but it didn't happen. In fact, everyone tried to keep it as ol' school as possible by going back to basics. Any band that tried to go in a new direction were criticized roughly until they gave in and went back to their old material. Think: Metallica.

The only thing that changed about music was how we listened to it. Instead of radio, we listened to satellite radio. What's the difference? Satellite radio isn't free. Way to go, geniuses. Why not pay a monthly subscription for what you already have for free at the flick of a dial? Instead of walkmans, or CD walkmans, we had iPods, which can hold more CDs than you can possibly fit in your crappy little apartment, thus eliminating the need for CDs. Hence, CD and record stores are becoming defunct. Walk into an HMV today and the "M" doesn't mean as much any more as the "V."

The weirdest change in music, however, was the fact that people became obsessed with "playing" musical instruments, if you consider a plastic guitar a musical instrument. People were willing to pay half the price of their gaming systems to buy cheap plastic novelty toys that they can use in synch with glowing lights flashing across a screen, and then consider themselves rockers. And they were willing to buy albums online they could only ever listen to in-game, so they never have to leave their basements. They can just keep "rocking out," until they lose all connection with the real world.

And the Monkees made a come-back, in the form of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers, proving once again that teenage girls have no taste. To all the dads forced to take their daughters to see these shows: congratulations: you've allowed yourself to be emasculated by the Disney corporation, and your daughter will still grow up to hate you.

Also, MTV stopped playing music videos altogether. Now it's all shows about Tila Tequila trying to get laid and rich white bitches. What does that have to do with music? NOTHING. So stop calling yourself, "MTV." People decided they'd rather watch music videos on youtube, before they're yanked off by moderators.

So fuck you '00's, you've done nothing, much like the Presidency of George W. Bush, which I was forced to listen to hippie-bullshit musicians bitch about in song after song.

This Sex is On Fire!

LiveJournal Tags: Deep Thoughts,PSA

There are a number of reasons a person should immediately stop having sex. I believe the most common is when there's a kid crying in the next room, or else someone walks in on your bare, pimply ass. Other reasons may include:  limp-dick syndrome; "speedbumps;" your Doc Johnson goes in the wrong hole; you hear, "Honey, I'm home!" coming from downstairs; her water breaks; carpal tunnel syndrome; or your "partner" wakes up. None are as urgent as your sex being on fire. At no point should your sex be on fire. If this happens to you, consult a physician immediately. If your sex is on fire, you shouldn't even take the time to say, "This sex is on fire," let alone sing it.

WTFacebook?

I don't understand the advertising on facebook.com. They've collected all this personal information on me and try to directly attack me with related advertisement. Only: it doesn't work. I see ads for 6' tall men's jeans (I have like 30" legs, so that's not for me), and ads for books called, "A Life Work Living," a self-help guide. My life is most definitely not worth living. I've made this clear. My life's made this clear as well. There's also ads for Arrested Development T-shirts. I like Arrested Development, sure, and I like shirts, but not necessarily the two of them together.
The worst was an ad entitled something along the lines of, "X-Men vs. G-Unit. Who would win?" What? What the fuck? You're wondering who would win in a fight between borderline retarded gangsta rappers and fictional comic book super hero mutants? I've often wondered who would win in a fight between Captain Crunch and Count Chocula, but that's just fucking ridiculous. Fuck you. The X-Men would win. I'm talking about an actual comic book, not even the fictional characters. Just roll up the comic and throw it at them. It'll kill one of those dumb fucks and the rest will make and album about it.

Masturbate!

Quite a number of songs on my iPod are about masturbating. It makes a kind of sense considering how many songs are written about love. What if you love yourself, though? Well, you write a song about masturbating. Here's a list of a few of them:
The most obvious is:
"Masturbate," by the Dave Brockie Experience. There's no subtleties in this song. The chorus goes, "Masturbate! Masturbate! Masturbate!" A highlight of the song is, "I'm going to think about my mom. Think about my mom. Think about my mom!" Great job, guys!\
The least obvious is:
"Turning Japanese," by the Vapors. On the surface, it seems like an innocent enough song about a man with the yellow fever. Yet, if you listen to it closely enough, he's not singing the song about the Japanese woman herself, but her picture. Other lyrics indicate he might be a prison inmate, or a member of some other institution, and his only outlet is this picture. The phrase, "Turning Japanese," refers to the squinty eyes he gets when he whacks it.
"Shake Hands With Beef," by Primus. Again, an obvious one, assuming you understand the vernacular. Lyrics go, "When I was young, I traveled 'round, every nook and cranny, of our little town." The town being his genitals. Great job.
"Mental Masturbation," by Jackyl from the Beavis and Butt-head Experience. This song includes a skit by Beavis and Butt-head discussing the topic of mental masturbation. Quote Butt-head, "I think that's like when you're thinking about a chick when you're, y'know, getting the job done." As we all know, however, Beavis likes to listen to, "Push you little daisies you make you come up," when he jacks it, sometimes in the back of Anthrax's tour bus.
"Give Yourself a Hand," the album by Crash Test Dummies. The Crash Test Dummies looked like they were going to go the way of Barenaked Ladies and make it big in the States, but then they released this album where every song (or nearly every song) is about masturbating, such as the song, "Aching to Sneeze." Quote, "I'm done on my knees, begging, ''Please baby, please,' but I can't get the thing to come out." The album is just terrible in general.