How Do You Like Those Apples?

Halloween is the only time of year where you can be arrested for trying to give nutritious, fresh apples to children as treats. There’s nothing sketchier than someone giving out apples out on Halloween. You can expect to be ostracized from society after a thorough police investigation if you do. Everyone knows strangers put razors blades and syringes in apples to murder and mutilate our children. Except they don’t, and they’ve never. Every instance of a treat being poisoned or tampered with is a direct result of the parents doing it themselves. It’s an urban myth, which is easily debunked thanks to police files being linked online.

Apples were traditional treats as well, as they fit into the Fall harvest theme that use to be a part of the Halloween season. Remember apple bobbing? No one under twenty does, because of the myth, and also it wasn’t a great game to begin with. It’s like your trying to make eating an apple as unhygienic as possible by having everyone dip their faces and saliva into the same barrel. Plus you couldn’t play if you had face paint or a mask on.

If someone tried to give your kid a candy bar in his lunch, like at McDonalds, you’d start an online protest. If someone tries to give your kid an apple on Halloween, you’d burn their house to the ground like they were Freddy Krueger. How did that happen? Was it a candy company conspiracy?

Why are we only afraid of our children being poisoned by apples on Halloween? Isn’t that technically something that could happen any time, any where? How hard is it to stick a razor blade in an apple at the grocery store? You could even do it at an orchard, and no one would ever suspect until they bit into one.

Is that why whenever you see a kid’s meal with apples they’re always, always sliced? Are we that paranoid? A kid is as likely to choke to death on an apple slice as they are a whole apple. Plus you lose the core and the seeds that way, which you could have used to grow a new apple tree. Throwing an apple core on the ground isn’t garbage, it’s environmental. That apple core isn’t going to become a tree when it’s taken to the dump. If someone mushes it into the ground with their shoe, however, it’s an endlessly renewable food source. What the hell do the apple-slicing companies do with the cores anyway? Are they composting them, or something more sinister? Are they using them as a “food” source?

Product Placement for Taco Bell

Taco Bell wants an apology. Their “beefy” tacos contain a higher percentage of dead cow than previously implied, so they demand an apology from their accusers. It’s still legally debatable if it is in fact, “real beef.” The fact that a grey area can arise over whether something is a dead cow, or not, is cause for alarm in and of itself. There’s a lot of food products saying, “Real Beef,” like hot dogs, and I’m quite certain it’s 100% rat anus. Still, no one has a fit over it like they do with Taco Bell food.
The fact that it took this long for Taco Bell to quell rumours about it’s product is another matter. I’ve looked at their recipe online, and I’ve tasted their tacos (just like I tasted your mom’s taco last night, punk), and there’s still doubt in my mind that this is beef, let alone meat. I’ve eaten beef in various forms, such as steak, burgers, etc. and it hasn’t caused me violent and explosive diareaha for three days, unlike Taco Bell tacos. The taco filling is 88% “beef” and 12% “stuff.” I’m led to believe the remaining 12% includes the Ebloa Virus, as the ingredients list such splendours as “anti-dusting agent.” Their website does not reassure me about these so called “common ingredients” found in coffee, cheeses, etc.. Remember: Taco Bell is a knock-off of Mexican food. Let me explain that to you again: it’s a knock-off of Mexican food. Have you ever seen dollar store toys that are cheap Mexican rip-offs of American toys, and somehow they’re of lesser quality than Chinese lead-paint based toys?

Taco Bell is an imitation of that type of imitation. When they’re casually talking about the same ingredients as theirs ends up in deli meats and cheese at other locations, I would demand to know those locations. Because if they’re in Honduras: fuck you. I’m not eating your anti-dusting agent.
Their bullshit response to a bullshit lawsuit made things worse. First, they thanked their nay-sayers for suing them. That doesn’t make any goddamned sense. That’s like a serial killer breaking down in tears and thanking the cops for catching him. Then someone finds their wife’s head in a box. Then they started running this goddamn ad:

These are the fakest actors money can buy. Bear in mind: they spent millions and lost millions more all because of this campaign. These people have never set foot in a Taco Bell, let alone worked in one. Do you think Taco Bell employees look and act this way? Working at Taco Bell is the most soul crushing job imaginable. These are the people who have to wash the poop off the walls and ceiling of the bathrooms after you finish your meal. Plus they bring up a lot of questionable turns of phrases, like, “We start with USDA approved Grade A beef…” Then? Do you feed that beef to the Thresher Beast whose younglings you grind up into your tacos? Where does it go, besides all over the bathroom wall?
I don’t know what’s worse: that it might not be all beef in the tacos, or that it’s all beef. Cows have to die for this shit, just so you can have a two second meal that immediately ejects itself from your puckered anus. When you eat a Kobe steak, you’re eating a cow that lived better than you did. When you eat a Taco Bell taco, you’re eating a war crime.
The worse thing is: there’s Taco Bells inside KFCs, and vice-versa, like they’re interchangeable. KFC is all about the 11 herbs and spices. Their fucking Col. Sanders isn’t even a real Col.. There’s not one thing about KFC that is built on lies, secrecy, and chicken genocide, and they’re right there, hand-in-hand.
This whole ad campaign is just about one menu item. No one says shit about the rest of their food item. What the hell is going on with that, then? Is there some even worse secret? Is Soylent Green made out of people, or the Taco Bell dog? That dog’s dead, you know. They don’t live that long, and I’m pretty sure someone ate him. Still, that dog was better than their current ad campaign of, “Our food-like substance isn’t 100% recycled asbestos.”

You Old Bastard

Ever have this happen to you at McDonald's? You’re standing in line for five minutes or more, and just as you reach the counter, some old bastard cuts in front of you to ask for a free coffee refill. There you are: a paying customer being circumvented by this decrepit shell of a human being asking for something for free, as if their need is greater. These are the geezers who spend all day at fast food joints, making a mockery of the term, “fast.” You’re likely to spend more on your single purchase than they will for their entire week stay at McDonald’s. They may still be on their first cup of coffee eight days later. Who knows? They’re like the kids at an arcade who can make a single quarter last them eight hours on a cabinet.
At no point, however, should these people be given priority over a customer in line. If they want coffee, they can get in line just like everyone else. Why are they rushing ahead of the line anyway? They have nothing to do all day. Their lives are done. That’s why they’re hanging out in McDonalds like reverse teenagers.
No one ever says a thing, however, we simply wait patiently for however long it takes them to place their ridiculous order. “Half-coffee and half-hot water, with cream and sugar,” the old lady said. WHAT? You want a half a cup of coffee and half a cup of hot water mixed together? Do you know what coffee is? HOT WATER. Putting water in coffee makes more coffee, albeit in a diluted state. Is that what you want? Watered down coffee? Why not try decaf? Also: notice how the word “please” was nowhere in that sentence.
The cashiers always serve these freaks with a smile on their face, as the only other alternative is a complete mental breakdown. Meanwhile, I’ll be on a fifteen minute break, and the clock is ticking.
I don’t know what age courtesy dies at. One would assume it’s at age 15, but then it grows back in time to enter the workforce and have your soul crushed. Then, after forty years of that, the facade breaks down and you turn into the sort of person who cuts in line without an explanation or cause.
As for courtesy: I think I’m being very courteous by saying nothing, but what about you? Have you ever seen some freak out? Have you freaked out?

Technorati Tags: lines

Things That Are Pissing Me Off:

1:The Bachelorette:
The concept of this show just pisses me off in general, as technically it’s borderline prostitution. Recently, however, there was a row over one of the 25 male contestants on the show having a real-life girlfriend.
…One of the 25 male contestants. A woman is dating 25 men simultaneously, and she’s upset that one of those 25 men is dating another girl. Listen sister: A 1 in 25 chance at a relationship isn’t exactly the best odds there are. Having a girlfriend on the side is just good common sense, especially when the other woman you’re dating is practicing polygamy.
Weren’t you just fucking dumped on another reality show? Aren’t you aware by now how this shit goes? If not, ask Flava Flav. Fucking grow up and find a man on your own.
Whore.
2: Wal-Mart:
Wal-Mart’s new slogan is: Save Money, Live Better. Living better an Wal-Mart don’t go hand-in-hand. There’s a fucking McDonalds inside every Wal-Mart. They’re physically trying to kill you with this shit. Wal-Mart is a fucking death trap: just ask the poor bastards who get trampled to death every Black Friday. Plus now they’ve got fucking doughnuts at the check-out now. DOUGHTNUTS. Half-a-dozen for $1. They may as well have a trough filled with sugar-glazed lard at the door.
3: Movies based on action figures:
At some point: God stopped caring about you. You’re the plant God left to wither and rot while he was on vacation. That’s why you’re being subjected to this bullshit. Transformers and G.I. Joe. Remember how awesome the cartoons were? Then you’re 30, and you’re too fucking old to see this shit, because it’s been dumbed down for today’s youth audience, whom Hollywood treats like the Twittering twits they are. Before you complain: it’s a movie based on a cartoon based on a toy. Of course it’s going to be terrible. People are fucking jumping around missiles in slow-motion while wearing some kind of speed suits and the Eiffle Tower is dissolving. What’s that got to do with G.I. Joe? Nothing. Why? Because no one without a secret cache of grainy VHS tapes remembers what the G.I. Joe cartoon was like. The kids who fucking watched that shit are trying to pay off their morgates now. The movies are just over-used special-effects with a brand name stamped on them to sell toys, because it’s got to turn a profit somehow.

Fuck! Just… Fuck!

LiveJournal Tags: Tim Hortons

Ever go into an eating establishment (Tim fucking Hortons) with a gift card not knowing how much money is on said card, but a person must assume there’s SOME. This card, after all, gifted, making you believe the gifter might have set some funds for the giftee. There is in fact, none, so after splurging with your order you’re left to pay for the full amount from your own wallet. This would make for a hilarious joke, if you were the kind of asshole who played those sorts of jokes.
Furthermore, when ordering your Turkey Bacon Club sandwich, the cashier immediately decides this means you want a B.L.T.. So you open your sandwich later and discover that there is no turkey, just bacon, lettuce and tomatoes, and you hate tomatoes. You would have requested, “No tomatoes please,” but the bitch got your order wrong anyway, so what fucking good would it have done.
Many times, I have been asked why I will order an item with tomatoes if I’m not going to eat them. Why? Because if I order, “No tomatoes,” I will still be given tomatoes. Then I’m expected to throw a fucking hysterical fit and charge the cashier like a wild animal, my sandwich held open like a Satanic Bible filled with terrible lies and demand why the fuck there’s tomatoes in my no-tomato sandwich. The answer, of course, is never satisfying. I see these people at the till. They’re the ones who decide to cut in when I’m placing my order, saying shit like, “I asked for no lettuce!” The implication is that they should re-make the sandwich without lettuce, as opposed to removing said lettuce: a task that does not require assistance from the restaurant staff. You could, alternatively, simply remove the offending food item yourself with your own hands, as your hands are going to be touching the sandwich anyway. And, if you’re going to do that, you might as well ignore asking for no tomatoes altogether. It saves everyone from a potentially deadly conflict.
But I had asked for an entirely different sandwich than what I was given. I ended up paying $6.50 for fucking bacon and lettuce in a bun. I’m already in the car driving away, so I don’t fucking feel like going back and complaining like some douche just so they can hem and haw and still get my fucking order wrong a second time. I don’t know why this happens so often at places I go. I suppose it’s some mix of stupidity and being hard-of hearing. Maybe they could hear better if they TOOK THE FUCKING HEADSET OFF. Why the fuck do they need these things? They’re in a kitchen that’s about fifty square feet. The person they’re talking to is right-the-fuck next to them, but they decided to make things “more efficient” they’re going to use these fucking headsets so they can only hear out of one fucking ear at a time. How is this fucking progress when I’m placing a simple-as-shit order and they can’t fucking hear me because they have a speaker crackling in their fucking ear?
It happened twice the last two times I went to Tim Hortons. The other time I was in the drive-thru ordering a dozen donuts and a coffee. By the time I get to the check-out, all they have me down for is the coffee. What the fuck did they think I was saying before I got to the word, “Coffee?” Was it, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah coffee?”
Plus getting in and out of Tim Hortons is a deathtrap. There’s always six cars minimum blocking the entrance. If you parked your car in front of the place when there was a rare, rare break in traffic, you’re never getting the fuck out. You have to fucking park across the lot at the Burger King. That’s the rule. If you go inside to take a look at what donuts you want or whatever, it’s usually backed up out the door. So you have to create your own line, because they haven’t figured out how to rope it off like a bank teller. So you always get some fucking moron coming in behind you and asking you if this is the end of the line, and some fucker who thinks he’s in front of you when he’s not.
All I want is a fucking coffee, a sandwich, and donuts. Why is it such an ordeal? Why? Why can’t you be a Krispy Kreme?

The “F” in KFC

LiveJournal Tags: KFC,bad service,work,life

I needed something to eat for dinner, so I thought I’d try the Wrapstar from KFC. Basically, it’s like every chicken wrap on the market, but in star form. I go into KFC, and it’s not particularly busy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to wait 25 minutes for my food. As I said, it’s a chicken wrap, so it’s basically comprised of two parts: one part chicken and one part wrap. First: you take the chicken. Then: you wrap the chicken.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to wait an ungodly amount of time for a minor menu item at my local KFC. I can understand when there’s a rush and some fucker wants 100pcs of chicken and a small seasoned curllies, but there’s five people in the kitchen. I can see them through the window, wiping their noses on their hands then touching the food, which is especially encouraging given the fact there’s a DEADLY FLU OUTBREAK. I think we take for granted the fact that the disgusting samples of human filth around us can make us sick for weeks at the merest cough, but now they can FUCKING KILL US.
Today some woman came up to me asking for shelf brackets at the store. Except she didn’t simply as. She coughed heartily, then asked. You know when you can actually smell the reek of their Halls in the air? That’s when you KNOW you’re breathing in their germs. Anyway, I left he with VERY SPECIFIC instructions on finding the shelf brackets. Then she came back to me two minutes later, and I asked her what she needed.
She said, “SHELF BRACKETS,” as if I was retarded, but more as if she was retarded. Far be it from me to assume that she may have found the very easy to find item on her own. I again explained to her, this time drawing pictures in the air with my hands, as I might communicate with a Neanderthal. The difference is: I might want to actually fuck a Neanderthal.
She of course came back a third time, and again stated, “SHELF BRACKETS,” like it was an accusation.
I’m not a big believer in human rights, because instances like this make me realize human shouldn’t have rights.
I had to physically direct her to the shelf brackets, and along the way I had to listen to her bullshit accusations implying I didn’t know what I was talking about: as if I didn’t work in the same department for forty hours a week for two years. And, of course, being in that kind of proximity meant I had to breath in her disease: so I’ll be dead of swine flu soon.
My point about work and KFC is this: the fuckers at KFC make the EXACT same wage per hour for being incompetent as I do for being competent, and they make it as THEIR STARTING WAGE. I HAD TO WORK MY WAY UP TO REACH THEIR PAY LEVEL. At no point should I be able to jump behind the counter and do another person’s job faster, and more efficiently than they, and make less or equal to than that person. I believe this to be the root cause of war.
In a way, I blame myself for not applying myself better. Moreover, I blame myself for going back to the same restaurant and expecting a different experience. I use to think poorly of my father for refusing to eat at the same place twice if the food or service was bad, but now I see the logic. There’s just too many choices out there. I’ll give a place a few months to improve before I go back, which is ample time to shape up, but not for some people. Ever have a bad experience at an eatery, then wait long enough to forget about it? Only: when you go back, the same dumb teller is behind the cash register? Then you go: “Oh fuck.”
For me, I placed my order, gave my money, then wondered after twenty minutes about walking out. I’d be doing myself a favour, only I’d be out of my money, and I’d still have no food. I could ask for a refund, but with the retards on till, my food would be ready by the time they figured out how, or else they’d charge me twice by mistake.
*SIGH*

Lego Batman

LiveJournal Tags: Lego,Batman,360,games

I finally got around to renting Lego Batman for the 360, basically because it’s all you’d want to do with that game. It’s a kid’s game, even if it’s rated 10 and up. It was my first introduction to the Lego video game series based on movie franchises. Lego Batman is a video game based on a toy product based on a comic book/TV/movie series. In it, you can input secret codes found on McDonalds Happy Meal toys, which are based on the video game based on the toy based on the comic. It’s a game that’s made the top of the list for parents angry about cross-branding marketed towards their children. There’s no prize involved in that, but there is a prize in your Happy Meal. You’re supposed to walk away from the game you purchased or rented wanting to eat at McDonalds, go to Toys ‘R’ Us and buy the $100 Lego Batman Arkham Asylum playset and accessories, then immediately buy up every comic book, actions figure and DVD of Batman you can lay your hands on. It’s a costly affair.
There’s no dialogue in Batman, for some reason. Adam West and works cheap, so there’s no excuse for not hiring voice actors. Every cutscene involves Batman shaking his head at something stupid Robin did. It borrows from the cartoon and movie. Harley Quinn is a key figure, having originated in the cartoon. while the final stage is set in the Cathedral from Batman staring Michael Keaton.
Batman doesn’t kill: except when the people involved are made of Lego. Then he murders them with his bare hands and harvest their blocks for points. The point of the game is to destroy everything that can be destroyed and collect the Lego pieces, which fits in more with the Lego theme than the Batman one.
What’s the deal with all the Lego games? There’s a billion of ‘em for the PC. They’re even making a Lego MMO, which blows my mind. Have they given up on real Lego, considering that most Lego kits have been priced out of the availability market as they’re in the $30-$120 range? For that price you can buy REAL model kits and not some half-assed block version that doesn’t look anything like the thing it’s supposed to represent. The games are cheaper by comparison.