COMEDY GOLD: “Get out of my dreams and into the back of my van…”

LiveJournal Tags: comedy

Have you ever had this happen to you? Some dude pulls up to you in a van and immediately pesters you by asking if you want to buy a home theatre system, which on would supposedly imagine is in the back of said van. This happens to me nearly every time I go out to the mall area in Langley. Obviously, this shit is stolen, so you’d be buying someone’s stolen goods. Or else you’d be getting robbed the second the back doors of that van open. How does this business model work? It would have to be a cash purchase, first off. They crook will be hoping for you to offer upwards of $500 in his fantasy. You won’t have this amount with you. If you do, you need to be robbed. Tell me where you are and I’ll come rob you. More likely you’ll have like $20 and a Quiznos coupon on hand. This won’t satisfy him, so the haggling process would get a little bizarre from there.
Him: “You’re only offering me $20 for this fine piece of home entertainment? This is worth over $10,000, my friend.”
You: “Do I look like I have $10,000 to spend?”
What happens to this guy if he runs into a stereotypical Jew (this is assuming you're a racist, or a self-hating Jew, and I apologize profoundly for my remarks) who’s just going to try to ream him on the price? Like someone who’s more interested in haggling for the price than the actual product he’s trying to buy? One of those people who fucking get off on a cheap deal. The kind of person who’d have this stereo system displayed in their living rooms like big game hunters have lion-skin rugs. Have you met these people? They become fucking enraged if you don’t want to haggle. I don’t think kicking their mother in the cunt could make them angrier.
At this point he’ll already be acting skittish and ready to drive off, but I can imagine the suggestion you go to an ATM is placed somewhere in this conversation. That’ll work out great. Having some crook waiting behind you while you withdraw money from an ATM.
There’s literally no way a situation like this can end well. Here’s some things that could happen:
You could get robbed.
You could get beaten.
You could get kidnapped.
You could get arrested.
You could buy the home theatre system, and then later on while you’re bragging about your new toy to company you find out it actually belonged to one of your friends, and they want it back. You could offer to sell it back to him at a nominal fee, and in the ensuing fight you’ll be stabbed.
A lot of weird shit could go down.
But what if he’s just like a pedophile with candy trying to lure you into the back of his van so he could have sex with you? You’d be like, “AW SHIT! I MISSED OUT ON SOME GAY SEX!” Then you’d be bummed out. (Pun) (This is assuming you're a homophobe, or a a self-hating homosexual male).
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On that note: does any dude try to pick up chicks that way? “Hey ladies, do you like puppies? Well I’ve got them right here in the back of my van.” Why not? It has to work some time. Obviously, there’d be a lot of hit-and-miss involved. A lot of flyers would be posted around town, but statistically women like candy and puppies and John and Kate Plus Eight. Any combination of that could lure them into the back of your van. Even Cougs. ESPECIALLY COUGS.
How that could lead to consensual sexual relations is really up to the individuals involved.
“Look, I know I said there was a puppy back here, but really there’s only my penis.”
Maybe it could work? Maybe it could even lead to a long term relationship… with Bubba in prison.
There’s a reason I don’t give out dating advice.
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Do you think anyone has been arrested for genuinely trying to sell puppies out of the back of a van? Like that kind of mix-up where on person’s thinking one-thing and the other’s thinking another?
“What’s the matter, officer? All I told him was I wanted to show him some puppies in the back of my van? No… Don’t tase me bro’…” *BZZZT*
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I saw one of those kinds of vans today where you think: someone’s been raped in the back of that. There was a bad painting of Charlie’s Angels on the side and the back had some sort of advertisement saying, “Rent me.” I can’t remember the slogan was, but it was vague and confusing. Whatever it was, it didn’t look reputable. The owner probably referred to it as the Shag-Wagon…
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What’s sadder? Having to give up your Pussy-Wagon, or keeping it well past the logical conclusion?

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Crime is no Longer Crime

Technorati Tags: Abbotsford

In the wake of the bizarre story about a, “criminally insane killer” (their exact words) who escaped during a day-tripe to an amusement park comes a story just as baffling out of my town of Abbotsford. A dad who left his children to fry in his van during one of the hottest days of the year while he went off to a beer garden at the fair to drink isn’t going to be charged. The kids required medical attention for dehydration and several witnesses claimed he had said he knowingly left them behind, but police say there isn’t enough evidence for a conviction.
…That’s bullshit. Serious bullshit. I don’t even know what to say about this. The guy’s a dirtbag and he’s being allowed to walk. Probably even gets to keep his kids he nearly killed. WTF?

LiveJournal Tags: abbotsford

Do-It-Yourself Copyright Infringement

ScribblenautsScribblenauts advertises itself as a write-anything, do-anything game, so not surprisingly with a little imagination, you can rip off movies. There’s even one level where you have to recreate the scene in Back-to-the-Future where Marty McFly literally goes back to the future.
I’m getting pretty close to recreating scenes from Star Wars IV: A New Hope. I can do “laserswords,” robes, hovercars, and I can substitute C-3P0 with a regular robot and Sasquatch for Chewie. Good stuff.

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Scribble Me This…

LiveJournal Tags: Scribblenauts

I’ve been playing Scribblenauts for the DS for about a week now, and finished the game yesterday, so it’s time to reflect.
Scribblenauts is more significant as a gaming mechanic than the game itself. In order to play, you must summon objects by writing them down with the DS stylus, or entering them in manually on a keyboard screen. If the game can produce the desired object, it’ll appear on screen. There’s over 22,000 working words, so there’s quite the variety. Of this selection, about 100 words or so will actually be useful to gameplay.
As you’re picking and choosing your own weapons, gameplay will vary vastly from player to player based on their imagination. Thus comparing notes is quite interesting.
In my experience, the most useful objects are: ropes, chains, wings, fan, water, jetpacks, air vents, large air vents, flamethrowers, rayguns, dragons, Cthulu, walls, chainsaws, and bridge ladders. Bridge ladders are especially useful. Almost every one of the 200 levels involves clearing a pit. Obviously, the easiest way to transgress this is with a bridge. Writing, “Bridge,” will provide one, but it’s too short by far. A bridge ladder is the perfect size for most pits. Only, if you try to cross and bump the edge, the whole bridge will move, and possibly fall off the edge into the pit. There’s also multiple meanings for some words, so if you don’t pay attention to the definition menu, you’ll get “Fan: a person,” instead of “Fan: a tool.” The fan was especially useful with moving objects without going near them and alerting monsters.
As for levels where you’re charged with killing multiple enemies, you can summon a gun. A gun’s only good for three shots if you’re lucky. A ray gun has a one-hit-kill ratio for most enemies, but will still only last you those few shots. A melee weapon like a chainsaw will last you longer. Or you can avoid doing any dirty work on your own by summoning a monster on your own. Big monsters like dragons, or Cthulu work best. You set them loose, moving them from place to place with they stylus then discard them after to avoid being killed by them yourself. Other monster like Ghosts and Death work well. Vampires and zombies will only create more vampires and zombies, or vampire zombies, so are best avoided. But: if everyone’s a vampire, you can bring out the sun and dust them. There’s also even more obscure monsters like the Mothman and the Jersey Devil to summon. Worst still in terms of monster extinction are Armageddon level weapons like Nukes, or floods. For underwater monsters, or obstacles, a depthcharge automatically detonates on impact. You just have to place it above their heads and let go, whereas with bombs, dynamite you have to physically walk up to and charge, and grenades you have to throw.
A few levels are confusing with their rules. There will be people you can kill, or must kill, and people you can’t. Some objects just won’t work, and some work too easily. A bee will sting you if you walk by, but you can summon a wasp to kill that bee, but then the wasp won’t sting you. Did it lose it’s stinger? You can blow through most levels in ten seconds, or spend ten minutes. Controls can be sticky too. Everything is done with the stylus on screen aside from looking around, so you can accidentally jump out of the helicopter you’re tying to fly, killing you instantly. There’s also a lot of weird “fails,” where you’ll die or lose for no apparent reason. Usually it’ll be because you destroyed or misplaced an object you weren’t supposed to .

Technorati Tags: Scribblenauts

Since there’s over 22,000 words, and combos you can use, there’s infinite replayability. Also. you can pit monsters against each other to see who’ll win. A vampire can apparently kill a werewolf no problem, so Underworld was a lie.

Barak Me Obamadaeus

Barak Obama spams the hell out of me; or rather his elite team of left-wing Socialist lackeys spam me. He’s got his own webpage, he’s on facebook, he’s on twitter, and he’s unavoidable. I have to hear about his “Health Care Plan” every damn day, and I’m Canadian. “Ooo… ‘Social Health Care.’ How original.” I love the fact that in the States, Americans think Social Health Care = Communism. Ergo: Canadians are Communists. Vis-à-vis: they should bomb Canada. Look how fast I made that connection. Now imagine what Fox News could do with that same scenario. Scary, isn’t it?

Anyway, I doubt Obama is ever actually addressing “the people,” at any time and delegates that task to his “grass roots” minions. Every time “he” writes, he wants me to go out and physically do something. I’m on my computer. The only physical thing I want to do is to myself. I don’t want to go door to door like a Mormon and tell people about my love for social reform. Leave that to sadder, lonelier people than me. It’s still interesting to see what kind of response the President gets every post. There’s thousands of comments left on his facebook page. You know what I don’t see when I’m reading them? Not one, “LOL fag!”

What makes the President immune to the same kind of ridicule your average person receives on a daily basis from random people on the internet? Would he just completely freak out when he reads it too? Would he shoot back with the classic, “I’m not a fag, fag!” or, “You’re the fag, faggot!”

Could those sort of misplaced comments on the internet lead to the secret service writing up a file on you? Would they keep you under observation? Would he try to have you killed? Would his personal vendettas on the internet destroy his presidency?

Also: why the fuck is he on the net so often? Is this what he does in his office all day while avoiding Oprah? Is he googling himself? Is he playing WoW?

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Star Wars Epic Fail

I recently introduced Patrick, my girlfriend’s four year old son to the original Star Trek Trilogy (Episodes IV-VI). After completing them, he of course wanted more, so I reluctantly obliged. I began with the 2008 animated Star Wars Clone Wars feature film. Bear in mind that this movie was created to launch the televised cartoon series, and was targeted specifically at a younger demographic. In effect: this was made for him.
Within five minutes of starting the movie, these were the questions I was peppered with:
“Where’s Darth Vader?”
“Where’s Skywalker?”
“Where’s Chewie?” Indeed. Where is Chewie?
Yes, none of the fan favourites are in this movie, only their pale imitations. Also: explaining to a child the setting for the movie is a little difficult. “This is before Luke Skywalker was born.”
“That IS Darth Vader.” No one’s going to buy that crap. Not even a four year old.
We shut the movie off before seven minutes and watched Simpsons instead.

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Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Widescreen Edition)

Oh Kanye.

I love waking up and finding out a celebrity has disgraced themselves on national TV. During an acceptance speech by Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards (yes, MTV still clings to the false claim they’re a music video channel), Kanye West burst onstage and told the world that, “Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time.”
…Really? “Of all time?” Did you watch her video? It’s basically just her shaking her ass, which is all she does in all her videos and stage performances, because she’s Beyonce. Perhaps there is some subtle art to ass-shaking that I’m not familiar with. Perhaps she was retelling her sad story of, “growing up in the hood.” To me, nothing really stands out about it. Maybe you meant to say, “Beyonce has one of the best booties of all time.” Then all of this would have blown over.
They’re music videos. Their cultural relevance is just slightly above porn. If they were important enough, the channel airing their annual awards ceremony would also play music videos in regular rotation instead of shows about Tia Tequila trying to get laid. They’re not, however, and today, music videos are just something that end up on youtube next to videos of laughing babies and bloggers ranting about celebrities doing the shit you’re doing.
Seriously: no one cares about music videos. Ever. Why would you get your panties in a bunch over something like this? It’s not the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election. No one was robbed, because there’s nothing to steal. It’s immaterial.
Did you think it was some sort of race thing? That Taylor Swift was ripping off a black woman. Was it a, “Taylor Swift doesn’t care about black people?” kind of situation? It wasn’t.
This was a dick move all around. Not a, “Chris Brown assaulting Rhianna,” kind of dick move, but still…

Technorati Tags: Kanye West,Taylor Swift,MTV Video Awards
Graduation [Explicit]