Life of Pi

I haven’t read, “Life of Pi,” nor have I seen the movie, but from what I can gather it’s “Moby Dick,” only the whale is a tiger, and it’s in the fucking boat with him. When I was a young writer, I would read advice on how to make it in publishing, (Phil’s Pro-Tip: You can't). One of the first rules was to never write a, “Moby Dick,” story, because it would just be sent back to you with a rejection letter. It’s good to know, many years later, that I should have ignored that advice and plagiarized the shit out of someone else’s work. I’m not even talking about, “Moby Dick,” in this case. The author of, “Life of Pi,” was accused of plagiarizing another author’s work.

This Thursday is, “Pi Day,” because it’s March 14th. I just thought I’d tell you that in advanced, because you might want to filter your more annoying facebook friends now.

Pi, itself, is an illogical number. It supposedly goes on forever. Scientists and mathematicians (nerds) have tried numerous times to find a way to find the last digit, or the point at which it repeats itself. They’ve even calculated the type of computer it would take and how long it would take the average 1980’s computer to complete the calculation. Fact checking that the computer itself was correct if it ever does finish would take multiple generations. Really, though, if you guess which number is the last, you have a 1-in-10 chance of being right.

The real issue is that because of the absurdity of Pi it is impossible to 100% accurately calculate the circumference of a circle using it as a formula. You’ll always be off by the amount of decimal points you decided to stop counting. Meaning, Math is basically giving up. So celebrating Pi is celebrating human failure.

Red Robin Down

The biggest event in comics right now is the death of Damian Wayne, a.k.a. Robin, which seems to be putting Batman back on track for his Dark Knight days. Damian is the fifth chronological Robin, and aside from being Batman’s flesh-and-blood did nothing to really distinguish himself during his career. Out of all the Robins, his very existence is the most baffling. He’s a ten-year-old ninja assassin, with the absurdities of him being able to fight psychotic killers and super villains being explained away by his, “training.”

First off, this seems like they’re re-hashing old plots. Jason Todd, now the Red Hood, was killed off in a similar fashion, but his connection to Batman’s character was little more than him acting as a substitute. Audiences hated Jason, so much so that when offered the chance to kill off the character by phoning in with their votes, they clogged the lines. Jason and Damian are essentially the same character. They’re whiny and feel underused, they’re prone to extreme violence and even go so far as to murder some of their opponents, in complete contrast to Batman.

Damian’s death comes immediately following the, “Death of the Family,” which held up a Batman comic tradition of being a complete cop-out. The entire saga seemed as if it was setting up for a major Batman Family character to die, with the most likely candidate being Alfred. In the end, though, everyone emerged unscathed. A few scarce issue later, Damian dies in an unrelated story. The same thing happened with, “Batman R.I.P.,” a series that promised to be Bruce Wayne’s last. He didn’t die during this series, however, but in the co-current series, “Final Crisis.”

Now the focus is on who’s going to be the new Robin. There’s already three Robins in circulation: Nightwing, Red Robin, and the Red Hood. The only other character in comics to have someone else take up their mantle so many times is the Green Lantern. There doesn’t need to be a Robin, but a new one always emerges. That was even part of the after-glow of the notably Robin-less Dark Knight movie trilogy, which sets up a possible Robin spin-off.

Robin, himself, whoever he or she, or it may be at the time, has never made sense as a character. It makes sense that Batman in his quest to rid Gotham of crime would look beyond his own years for a successor, but the whole, “Robin,” persona hasn’t. Dick Grayson chose to be Robin based on his life in the circus as a flying acrobat. A famous flying acrobat, from a family of acrobats, who were murdered in Gotham. He wears the exact same costume and performs the same stunts in the same city where his family was murdered while fighting evil geniuses who can’t put two-and-two together. The only thing disguising him is a Domino mask. Literally anyone could see through his disguise, but amazingly the only person ever has been Tim Drake, who then became Robin. The need for each ensuing partner of Batman’s to wear the same disguise, other than it’s ready availability and tricking dumber criminals into thinking Robin might be an immortal has been questionable. Batman basically forced Jason Todd to wear the costume to get back at Dick Grayson for quitting. Tim Drake was a Robin fan. Stephanie Brown was Tim Drake’s girlfriend. Damian wore the costume to basically spit on all the other Robins for pretending to be Batman’s true heir.

Why would the next Robin want to be Robin? Right now the popular front-runner is a street girl named Harper, who pretty much has nothing going for her except being a fan favourite.

Meanwhile, Damian “death” is questionable at best. Being genetically enhanced, rumours of a clone are already spreading. Plus, he’s Ra’s al Ghoul’s grandson. One dip in the Lazarus Pit and he’s back.

Which leads to the real issue. Batman is only Batman to get back at crime for murdering his family. As an adult, he now has a family of his own. He has the resources, the ability, and connections to ensure his current family’s safety no matter what. Batman himself has been dead, and lost in time, and then came back. Jason Todd was dead for decades and then came back due to a reality-changing event. Why would he, or we, assume Damian was lost?

Downtime

This last week has been full of sever issues for nerds across the board.

First came Simagedon, in which tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of would-be game players found their copies of SimCity unplayable because of lag. They reacted as any modern-day human would, by having a shit-fit on the internet. There’s nearly 2,000 negative reviews for the new SimCity on Amazon.com. The words, “Shit,” and, “Fuck you,” are in there quite a lot. Think about how often people take the time to actually write reviews on a retailer websites. Most products only get one or two, no matter how popular the item is. SimCity has 1,800 and growing: all bad. It’s close to becoming the worst reviewed thing ever. Even the Titanic got better reviews, and I’m talking about the ship, not the movie. Amazon temporarily even took the game down off of their site because of the server issues. This comes at the worst possible time for EA, who is still reeling from massive consumer hatred over issues stretching from their use of DRM to the ending of Mass Effect 3. They were voted the worst company in the world last year. Worse even that BP, who spilled countless barrels of oil into the ocean.

Today, and yesterday, a company doing something positive for fans ran into a similar problem. Marvel up and dropped 700 free comic books on comixology.com, a free site with paid content. Users could download various titles, mostly classics and #1 issues, freely and legally and read them on a variety of devices. The offer was only for a limited time, however, and the unexpected surge crashed the servers. I couldn’t even log in to see my loot until this afternoon. The offer has since been put on hiatus while they deal with the influx, but the site is still experiencing connectivity issues. The idea of free comics, or certain key comics entering public domain has been tossed around for a while. There’s Free Comic Book Day, (May 4th, also known as Star Wars Day), where you can pick up special free issues at your local comic book shop. Most nerds have taken to illegally downloading comic books, which is forcing comic publishers to seek revenue from other sources, like movies and merchandising. That’s fine for the big two, but it hurts the little guys. Now there’s a move to make a Netflix style service, where you can pay a monthly subscription and read to your heart’s content.

Me, I’m still having massive problems with Halo 4. I don’t know if it’s just me, or everybody, but I keep getting disconnected. Even if I’m able to finish a match, it doesn’t register.

Biggest Douche In the Universe

I was reading an online article that ranked the biggest celebrity douchebags by votes. Number one was Kanye West. Number two was Kim Kardashian, meaning the worst two douchebags in the world are creating a baby together. That’s troubling to say the least. Number three was Chris Brown, and that made the whole list fall apart.

Let’s recap: This is the douchiest thing Kanye West ever did:

“Imma gonna eat your award.”

This is him interrupting an award show to promote Beyonce’s video. The award itself was meaningless. “Best Female Music Video.” What the hell is that? MTV doesn’t even air music videos anymore, but they’ll host the awards shows. All music videos are anymore are the crap you watch on youtube when you’re bored of cat videos and nut shots. America lost it’s shit. Kanye had to get his mom and apologize on national TV. This was the equivalent of a black man whistling at a white woman in the rural South in the 1950’s. By comparison, 50 Cent did the exact same thing to Evanescence during the Grammy’s.

“Bitch, please!”

Only it wasn’t to console the other nominee… oh wait, it was: Himself. He went up on stage to psyche out a wispy little white woman when he didn’t win his meaningless award, because he thought he was better. It was barely news, because he’s a straight-up gangsta, foo’.

The second worst thing Kanye ever did was to go off-card and say, “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people!” during his Katrina telephon appearance.

This is Canadian, Michael Myers, about to be excommunicated from America.

So what? Both times he got a little emotional and had an outburst. Shit comes out of his mouth that he can’t control. The dude calls it like he sees it. Does that make him a douche, or do the retro 80’s Georgie LaForge glasses do?

I remember having a pair of glasses like this when I was eight in ‘88. It would be two more decades until I got laid.

Now that’s he’s 50% of Kimye Westdasyshian, the third douchiest thing he ever did would be to bang Kim Kardashian, the newest incarnation of Paris Hilton. And who could blame him? Dat ass.

In comparison, this is the worst thing Number 3 Chris Brown ever did:

He fucked up his then-girlfriend and fellow musician and collaborator’s face this badly, the night before they were supposed to perform their career-defining duet, and has since acted more-or-less completely unapologetic and has even gone so far as to have this tattooed on his neck.

Now, a lot of people (mostly dip-shit idiots on twitter) might say it’s not my place to judge. That this is really just between him and Rihanna. In times of doubt like this, I look at my bracelet and think, “WWDD?”

Batman would beat the ever-loving shit out of Chris Brown. Think about all the times you’ve fucked up. Have you ever fucked up so badly you deserved a holy-beat-down from Batman? The kind where you end up suspended above the ground by your ankles with a gloved Bat-fist choking you while he scream in your face? That’s pretty much how badly Chris Brown fucked up. Even Superman would beat the ever-loving shit out of him, and he’s basically Jesus.

Just to show you I’m not fucking around, this is one of the earliest Superman comics, showing him beating a wife beater.

If Batman is beating you into a fine paste, and then Superman shows up to finish the job, you’re probably a fucking asshole.

People hate on Kanye more because… well he kind of is a douche. A talented douche, but a douche nevertheless. Is he the biggest douche? No. He’s spirited, not downright repulsive.

Halocopter

While everyone else playing videogames is focusing their rage on EA and the new SimCity 4 fiasco where the newly released game cannot be played and online retailers have stopped selling it as a result, I’m having problems with Halo 4. Virtually after every second online match I play, I lose connection to the servers. After having a bout, I’ll head over to the Challenge screen to see my progression. It shows up blank, however, telling me there are no challenges. Then,  the online list of matches shrinks down to just the most basic Slayers, without any of the updates or new releases, and I basically can’t play. This has happened pretty much all week. In the meantime, I’ve grown bored, and gone off an played other games, checking in every now and then to see if the situation has improved.

As for the Spartan Ops portion of the game, I’ve grown bored with that too. The levels are repetitive, even if the maps change every so often. Everyone always plays on Legenday as well, meaning I’m constantly respawning into a horde of angry Elites with only the most basic loadout to defend me.

I’ve also noticed that if I’m playing Wargames, I literally don’t care if I win. The rewards for winning are minimal of best, accounting for maybe 1/10th of your total score. Unlocking the daily Challenge gives your more points than winning the number of matches required for certain challenges. Rankings are displayed more prominently as experience points than K/D ratios, so the whole, “Winning at any cost,” goes sort of to the sidelines.

Right now, I’m trying to drop in on a match and it’s just cycling… So…

Swearitol

Setting: An office cubicle.

Jane: “Gosh darn it!”

Bob: *Pokes his head in* “What’s the matter, Jane?”

Jane: “My computer crashed again!”

Bob: “Let me see.” *Muses it over* “Hmm… I think I see the problem. It’s your weak fucking swearing.”

Jane: “My what?”

Bob: “Recent studies show that swearing makes you more fucking effective in all aspects of your life, including computers and technologies. Just watch! WORK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” *Computer turns on.* “There you have it.”

Jane: “Every time?”

Bob: “Every mother-fucking time.”

Jane: “But how can I improve my swearing?”

Bob: “Here, try this shit out, bitch.” *Pulls pill bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket.*  “New Swearitol is the fucking shit. It’ll make your swearing go from, ‘Darn-it,’ to, ‘FUCK YOUR FUCKING-ASS MOTHER!’”

Jane: “But how does it work?”

Bob: “Shit-head scientists found out they couldn’t cure tourettes-syndrome, but they sure as fuck could give you the same symptoms in pill form. Here, take one.” *Bob empties a pill out into his hand and Jane takes it. She moves to put it in her mouth.* “Not there.” *He shakes his head. Jane hesitates, then puts the pill up her skirt.* There… There we go. Nice and slow. You like that, don’t you bitch. Sorry… Where as I? Oh yeah. Try it the fuck out.”

Jane: *Clears throats.* “COCK-FUCKING SUCK SHIT! SHIIIIIIIIT! Wow, this works great. Are there any side-affects?”

Bob: “Only if you’re a fucking pussy!” *Bob laughs.* “Seriously, though, there are some very serious side effects, including death. Diarrhea, is the main one, then death. Sometimes you shit out the pill before you die, but if you can’t, you’re fucking dead. I should have mentioned that, but I don’t really like you.”

John: *Sticks his head into the cubicle.* “I heard you two swearing in here. You’re both fucking fired.”

Bob: “Oop! Swearitol?” *He points to John knowingly.*

John: *Shrugs and sheepishly pulls a bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket. Everyone laughs. “Seriously, though, you’re both fucking fired. Get your shit and get out.” *John then grabs his stomach and shits his pants. Everyone shits their pants, including the audience. Blood gushes out of their mouth and asses, then they die.*

Announcer: *Picture of Swearitol on the screen.* “Ask your doctor is Sweartiol is right for you.” *In softer voice:* "”Swearitol is not right for you. Do not ask your doctor.”

Subtle Shift

Nerds are in and jocks are out. How did that happen? One might point to prime-time TV with shows like Community and The Big Bang Theory, or they might point to Hollywood and the steady stream of comic book movies it produces. Or, they might point to the internet itself and all the advanced and readily available technological devices we use the internet on, which were created by nerds and now govern our daily lives. Nerds are the backbone of our Global Village. Video gaming has become a sport in and of itself. Jocks, meanwhile, are murdering people.

Athleticism and athletic competition was always supposed to be about what the human spirit could accomplish. With two hands, practice and sheer willpower, a man could become a living demigod on the field of play. Sports were supposed to be a metaphor for Man itself. If that is so, than man is an unrepentant, drug addicted, dog-drowning, wife-cheating/murdering psychopath who will stop at nothing to win the most meaningless challenge because winning equals money. Jocks have become the worst people alive. Up until the late 90’s people worshipped athletes like Wayne Gretsky and Michael Jordan like Gods. Today, Kobe Bryant has the shadow of a rape accusations over his head. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and mother to his children at every opportunity. O.J. Simpson escaped a murder conviction to wind up in jail when he tried to steal back his former property he had to sell off at gunpoint from a legitimate collector. Lance Armstrong admitted to having doped after winning seven Tour De Frances. Michael Vicks abuses dogs for some reason. Pete Rose is a gambler/fgame fixer. Now, finally, Oscar Pistorius, a legless Olympic runner who should have been the feel-good comeback-from-adversity story of the century, shot his wife.

There are no triumphs in sports anymore, only cashed paycheques. There’s always been scandals with jocks, but the worst of it use to be boozing, game-fixing, and whore-mongering, which is the basis of any scandal. Today, there’s articles about how the entire football league (European) is controlled by organized crime, and any given game could be fixed.

Nerds, as the alternative to jocks, are flying under the radar as they always have. They’re manning the internet, for God’s sake. Everyone loves the internet because of it’s free access to Game of Thrones and Adelle mp3s. The very image of nerds is changing. Look at this fucker:

He’s got a star mohawk. He’s Starhawk. He’s putting robots on Mars. What’s Michael Vick’s doing? He’s drowning dogs in buckets of water. Starhawk wouldn’t do that. He’s too busy with his Raid party.

Nerds are more prevalent and accepted, and hence: less nerdy. Every loss by jocks is a gain for nerds. Unless Spacejam becomes a reality, jocks aren’t likely going to be making and headway anytime soon.