Have they fucked a mermaid?
Batman: No.
Superman: Yes.
Spider-Man: No
Wolverine: Yes.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Fuck Yeah!
In today's times of crumbling economic infrastructure, it's good to know that two bucks can still buy you something amazingly awesome. How awesome? THIS awesome:
That's the mother-fucking Planet Hulk Gladiator Hulk and Silver Savage, as adorable kid's toys, for two fucking bucks CANADIAN. "Why is this so awesome?" you might ask, and I might kick you in the nuts for it. Because it depicts the Incredible Hulk and the Silver Surfer as slaves forced to fight to the death in a gladiator pit on a God-forsaken alien planet, and it's being marketed to children who've never so much as picked up a Hulk comic before. These figures can only be appreciated in the context of someone who's read Planet Hulk, and that sure isn't Billy Turner, your average five-year old asshole who didn't see the movie, let alone read the comics. If he brought these to the playground, he'd get shit-kicked, but they're perfect for my desk.
I've been going to Wal-Mart for weeks now and finding awesome deals like this as they clear out their not-so-old crap. I bought five Incredibly Hulk movie figures for $4.94 apiece, a Joker and a Batman from the Dark Knight for $3.94 apiece, and another Batman for only $2.00. After buying Marvel Legends and DC Direct for so long, I have a deeper appreciation for action figures that are heavy on the action. I missed toys that would shoot missiles. The Joke has a bazooka that shoots a boxing-glove missile a ridiculous 12ft, and looks nothing like Heath Ledger. My Eric Bana look-alike Hulk throws a fucking boulder which then splits apart. Another Hulk with an unseemingly small head has a chest that glows green, and it's bright enough to substitute for a flashlight. Can your Dr.Strange Marvel Legends figure do that? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO.
That's the mother-fucking Planet Hulk Gladiator Hulk and Silver Savage, as adorable kid's toys, for two fucking bucks CANADIAN. "Why is this so awesome?" you might ask, and I might kick you in the nuts for it. Because it depicts the Incredible Hulk and the Silver Surfer as slaves forced to fight to the death in a gladiator pit on a God-forsaken alien planet, and it's being marketed to children who've never so much as picked up a Hulk comic before. These figures can only be appreciated in the context of someone who's read Planet Hulk, and that sure isn't Billy Turner, your average five-year old asshole who didn't see the movie, let alone read the comics. If he brought these to the playground, he'd get shit-kicked, but they're perfect for my desk.
I've been going to Wal-Mart for weeks now and finding awesome deals like this as they clear out their not-so-old crap. I bought five Incredibly Hulk movie figures for $4.94 apiece, a Joker and a Batman from the Dark Knight for $3.94 apiece, and another Batman for only $2.00. After buying Marvel Legends and DC Direct for so long, I have a deeper appreciation for action figures that are heavy on the action. I missed toys that would shoot missiles. The Joke has a bazooka that shoots a boxing-glove missile a ridiculous 12ft, and looks nothing like Heath Ledger. My Eric Bana look-alike Hulk throws a fucking boulder which then splits apart. Another Hulk with an unseemingly small head has a chest that glows green, and it's bright enough to substitute for a flashlight. Can your Dr.Strange Marvel Legends figure do that? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Aha!
Today's Penny-Arcade comic made me realize one of the reasons why Penny-Arcade is so popular, beyond the gaming references and poop-jokes. No, it's because there's a full-page blog explaining the concept behind the comic itself, along with a forum page and the occasional podcast, which without the jokes would barely make sense if not for the word, "Fuck." I was reminded of this mainly because the comic makes no sense by itself. There's three panels. Panel One: a man is dragging a PS3 by a rope. Panel Two: A man wearing a Killzone-style mask is dressed like Moses, holding his hands aloft. I recognize this mask only because I was one of the few people playing Killzone on my PS2, while normal human beings with Xboxes were playing Halo.
Both games are highly overrated, in my opinion. I only recently purchased Halo and Halo 3, and have only played them sparingly. I think I've played less than an hour combined. It's a first-person shooter in which you can't aim properly at your intended target because you have no zoom or scope, plus your enemy has a fucking force-field all the fucking time, so you can shoot them point-blank in the fucking face fifty times, and nothing will happen. It's like the game has a glitch, only it's an integral part of the game design. Killzone and Halo 3 are completely similar in that the online matches rely entirely on the participants making a mad-dash to the level's secret weapons cache and then blowing the enemy away with ridiculously overpowered guns. Skill is determined by how fast you can find these weapons and how long you can keep them. It's kind of opposite to other online shooters like SoCom and Call of Duty, where you go into the match with pre-determined weapons, and the game because more about vantage point.
Panel Three: The same character throws red-ringed XBox 360s into a pile.
The joke?
It's in there, somewhere, but you'll have to read three paragraphs at least and click on two hyperlinks and watch a youtube video to understand it. This is comedy in the 21st Century.
This is a common occurrence for Penny-Arcade, and it would probably be difficult for most new readers to get into the series based on it. You have to understand that usually the new comic will go up first, and then about four hours later there'll be the integral news story behind it. You usually have to read the entire story before clicking on the comic link, which is why the front-page will always be the news post. Some people might not even realize that Penny-Arcade IS a comic from their site-layout.
But I like the idea of there being a reference to draw off of. Imagine how much better Far Side by Gary Larson would have been if someone had fucking explained it to you. "Okay, there's a snake in a spaceship, right? And it's trying to abduct these cows, which are running on two legs. Hmm... You should just smile and nod your head." I personally always get pissed off at political cartoons that reference news stories from eight days prior that were buried in the back of the paper, and there's no other source to draw on to understand what you're looking at. "Okay, there's this guy with big teeth in a suit, and he's riding backwards on a donkey, and Obama is laughing at him. Also, Obama is dressed like Mohamed and holding a bomb. Hmm... This could be trouble." It's like listening to Dennis Leary's stand-up: it makes you feel stupid for not immediately recognizing the most abstract and elusive reference.
Family Guy is starting to lose most of it's appeal based on this kind of referencing. It like watching a movie-trivia quiz show now more than a cartoon. I can get about 95% of the references off the bat, but some take months, if not years, for me to acquire. I always wished that somewhere on the DVDs, such as in the commentary section, they'd elaborate and explain which movie or TV show they're quoting, but often the writers and creators are just as confused. "I don't remember which, but it was definitely from some 80's movie," I've head them say.
MADDENING.
Both games are highly overrated, in my opinion. I only recently purchased Halo and Halo 3, and have only played them sparingly. I think I've played less than an hour combined. It's a first-person shooter in which you can't aim properly at your intended target because you have no zoom or scope, plus your enemy has a fucking force-field all the fucking time, so you can shoot them point-blank in the fucking face fifty times, and nothing will happen. It's like the game has a glitch, only it's an integral part of the game design. Killzone and Halo 3 are completely similar in that the online matches rely entirely on the participants making a mad-dash to the level's secret weapons cache and then blowing the enemy away with ridiculously overpowered guns. Skill is determined by how fast you can find these weapons and how long you can keep them. It's kind of opposite to other online shooters like SoCom and Call of Duty, where you go into the match with pre-determined weapons, and the game because more about vantage point.
Panel Three: The same character throws red-ringed XBox 360s into a pile.
The joke?
It's in there, somewhere, but you'll have to read three paragraphs at least and click on two hyperlinks and watch a youtube video to understand it. This is comedy in the 21st Century.
This is a common occurrence for Penny-Arcade, and it would probably be difficult for most new readers to get into the series based on it. You have to understand that usually the new comic will go up first, and then about four hours later there'll be the integral news story behind it. You usually have to read the entire story before clicking on the comic link, which is why the front-page will always be the news post. Some people might not even realize that Penny-Arcade IS a comic from their site-layout.
But I like the idea of there being a reference to draw off of. Imagine how much better Far Side by Gary Larson would have been if someone had fucking explained it to you. "Okay, there's a snake in a spaceship, right? And it's trying to abduct these cows, which are running on two legs. Hmm... You should just smile and nod your head." I personally always get pissed off at political cartoons that reference news stories from eight days prior that were buried in the back of the paper, and there's no other source to draw on to understand what you're looking at. "Okay, there's this guy with big teeth in a suit, and he's riding backwards on a donkey, and Obama is laughing at him. Also, Obama is dressed like Mohamed and holding a bomb. Hmm... This could be trouble." It's like listening to Dennis Leary's stand-up: it makes you feel stupid for not immediately recognizing the most abstract and elusive reference.
Family Guy is starting to lose most of it's appeal based on this kind of referencing. It like watching a movie-trivia quiz show now more than a cartoon. I can get about 95% of the references off the bat, but some take months, if not years, for me to acquire. I always wished that somewhere on the DVDs, such as in the commentary section, they'd elaborate and explain which movie or TV show they're quoting, but often the writers and creators are just as confused. "I don't remember which, but it was definitely from some 80's movie," I've head them say.
MADDENING.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Islam Light: Same Great Taste, Less Calories.
Why am I just learning about this, and why do I have to hear it from Penny-Arcade? Is a webcomic about how crappy video games are my best new source in this day and age? A woman claims her daughter's talking baby doll and Nintendo DS both contain the message, "Islam is the light," and she's completely outraged. If they were saying, "Jesus is Lord," I suspect they'd already have a shrine erected with worshippers in the thousands flocking to catch a sight of the sacred idols and rub their leprous wounds on them in the hopes that they will be cured. No one's claiming it's some sort of Islamic terrorist conspiracy, but the subtext basically screams it. In Obamerica, (TRADEMARKED!) people write their racial slurs between the lines instead of on the walls of synagogues.
There's always been urban myths about talking toys like the Cabbage Patch Kids or Spider-Man action figures saying Satanic messages. It's a nice change of pace for a doll to give a positive message about a respected religion, except it's being treated as though it were just as evil because it's not about Jesus. Why shouldn't there be Islamic-based toys, save for the reason that it will outrage Islamic extremists and Bible-thumpers alike? A Mohamed action figure could likely bring about World War III jihad-style, even if it came equipped with a convertible that transforms into a helicopter and rocket launchers. Jesus could ride shot-gun, with a shot-gun, and they could fight crime Miami Vice style.
There's so many differences between Christians and Islam that I don't see any reconciliation in the form of hot-shot detective partner action figures. One group thrives on tacky religious souvenirs like dashboard-mounted Virgin Mary bobble-heads, and the other rejects all forms of commercialism, and even cartoon depictions of their Prophet. If only they would sell-out, we could have a free market where Mohamed holographic place-mats were the norm. Think of all the money the Chinese could make selling their junk to the Middle-East!
So if you're calling for a boycott on toys bearing the message, "Islam is the light," and start burning them in public squares, regardless of the toxic fumes being emitted, does that mean you don't think Islam is the light? Are you anti-Islam. Better tread lightly, outraged mothers of America. Osama could put a jihad on you. Al-Queda will suicide bomb your Tupperware parties.
There's always been urban myths about talking toys like the Cabbage Patch Kids or Spider-Man action figures saying Satanic messages. It's a nice change of pace for a doll to give a positive message about a respected religion, except it's being treated as though it were just as evil because it's not about Jesus. Why shouldn't there be Islamic-based toys, save for the reason that it will outrage Islamic extremists and Bible-thumpers alike? A Mohamed action figure could likely bring about World War III jihad-style, even if it came equipped with a convertible that transforms into a helicopter and rocket launchers. Jesus could ride shot-gun, with a shot-gun, and they could fight crime Miami Vice style.
There's so many differences between Christians and Islam that I don't see any reconciliation in the form of hot-shot detective partner action figures. One group thrives on tacky religious souvenirs like dashboard-mounted Virgin Mary bobble-heads, and the other rejects all forms of commercialism, and even cartoon depictions of their Prophet. If only they would sell-out, we could have a free market where Mohamed holographic place-mats were the norm. Think of all the money the Chinese could make selling their junk to the Middle-East!
So if you're calling for a boycott on toys bearing the message, "Islam is the light," and start burning them in public squares, regardless of the toxic fumes being emitted, does that mean you don't think Islam is the light? Are you anti-Islam. Better tread lightly, outraged mothers of America. Osama could put a jihad on you. Al-Queda will suicide bomb your Tupperware parties.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tough Times
The Global Recession is hitting a lot of people hard. One of the few sectors you wouldn't expect to be effected by this is webcomics. There's retarded monkeys with their own webcomics, and they're dead, but over at Achewood, there hasn't been an update to the site since Jan 12th, and even then it wasn't that funny or interesting, which summarizes Achewood quite efficiently. There was an explanation for this, however, blaming financial woes, moving, family troubles, etc., all blamed on the Recession. I know times are tough all around, and he's not getting paid like Jim fucking Davis, but still...
I don't know what to think. I think an artist has the right to walk away from his art, but it's something to be avoided. That's like leaving your baby at Wal-Mart. If it's ending, I'm going to feel what I felt when Calvin & Hobbes went away. Comics are taken for granted sometimes, be they in the paper, comic book, or online. No one really want to see them go.
I don't know what to think. I think an artist has the right to walk away from his art, but it's something to be avoided. That's like leaving your baby at Wal-Mart. If it's ending, I'm going to feel what I felt when Calvin & Hobbes went away. Comics are taken for granted sometimes, be they in the paper, comic book, or online. No one really want to see them go.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Bizarrobama
There's a new threat facing America and it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq, terrorism, the failing economy, or unemployment. It's Barack Obama, and how fucking awesome he is.
You might ask, "Why is that a problem?"
And I might tell you, "SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm talking here."
I'll tell you why, Pepe: When something is too awesome, it creates something of equal and opposite shitiness. You've got your Jesus H. Christ, and you've got the Anti-Christ, Tsirhc Z. Susej (Why "Z?" Because Jesus's middle name is, "Hernandez," ergo, "Zednanreh." Look at your Bible, but don't open it.) You've got your good Spock, and your evil, goatee wearing Spock from an mirror world, stylish, but sensible. Sensibly EVIL! You've got your Superman, and you've got Bizarro, Superman's evil opposite clone. Green kryptonite doesn't do shit all to Bizzaro, motherfucker. Unfortunately, Bizzaro also happens to have, "special needs."
So let's say someone tries to clone Obama, which they will, the clone will come out wrong, because you can't replicate Obama's Kryptonian D.N.A.. He'll be the opposite of Obama, he'll be inarticulate, unloveable, old and white.
In short, he'll be George W. Bush.
Ouchies.
I had a dream last night about a cobra biting my upper left eyelid, causing my eye to swell shut. The entire left side of my face became paralysed, and a I kept drooling because I couldn't shut my mouth properly. I had a weird awareness of the dream, and it felt like I had really injured myself in my sleep, and if I woke up I'd find drool all over my pillow. I felt fine when I did wake, however.
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