Occupy Ball Street

Occupy [fill in the blank] has reached around the world to most major cities with freeloading hippies living in them, and now it’s coming to your backyard. Or, more specifically, my back yard. Yes, according to the local paper, Occupy Abbotsford is coming this Saturday, SATURDAY! SATURDAY!!! You'll pay for the whole seat BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!

Actually, it makes a lot of sense, so long as you’re a jobless, pot smoking hippie. All the shiftless losers featured in Occupy Vancouver are being kicked the fuck out after a drug overdose death, along with mayoral candidates complaining about used needles, fire hazards and rodents. Instead of moving four blocks over to East Hastings St. where they’ll continue to live just as they have but slightly out of the public view, they’ll apparently set up their tents down near the town library here in Abbotsford, which happens to be four blocks from my house. That means more homeless people jaywalking across the street during my daily commute. Abbotsford has all the essentials an Occupy movement needs. It has a high unemployment rate, and the few job prospects there are are mainly minimum wage. It also traditionally has a high crime rate with easy access to the drug trade, so stay tuned for more drug related deaths. People here are generally pissed off, and take pains to have it known.

What does Abbotsford have to do with Wall Street? Nothing. You’d struggle to find people in Vancouver who could even find Abbotsford on a map, despite being an hour’s drive away, so imagine the global impact we have when we don’t even rank locally here in B.C.. It’s really just an excuse for the homeless to set up a new homeless city, after their last one, Camp Hope lost all hope. One day, Abbotsford will be magically transformed into a Hobopolis, and shifty-eyed drifters will come from all over the world to squat in our backyards and defecate in our gutters.

Honestly, though, I support the Occupy movement to the extent that it gets me laid. If you want to protest, go protest. It worked out great for the students of Kent State. But if you come complaining to me about inequity, you can go and fuck yourself. I’m barely hanging on by a thread. The whole town is probably hurting too. So who the hell are they complaining to? The Fat Cats at the public library? They couldn’t even find a business centre to protest, because they have no idea where to look for one.