The Nude 52

After over a month of readership, I’m convinced that the DC reboot was a secret plot by Batman to get laid. He’s already boned Catwoman and a reporter by the name of Catherine Rivers. Considering Batman is traditionally belittled as a closeted homosexual with a penchant for lithe boys in pixie boots, this is a startling turnaround. Every sexual encounter Batman has ever indulged in has ended the same way: by standing up the bitch on the second date. Batman doesn’t necessarily fuck-em’ and chuck-em’, he just fucks and forgets. There’s a panel in nearly every Batman comic where Alfred reminds him he missed a date with a such’n’such of this’n’that. This is just the latest is a string of off-handed conquests:

Here’s a head’s up for Miss Rivers: He’s not going to show.

In Catwoman #1, audiences saw Batman check in on Catwoman to see how she was doing after a bit of bad luck as a concerned friend, and to fuck her. He definitely knew that was on the table. Catwoman is more of Batman’s fuck-buddy than ally/enemy. The comic ended with Batman being used as a horsey. There’s nothing subtle about their relationship, unlike with other women where he might apologize to and send roses for missing dates. He’ll string them along because he has a genuine interest in them beyond keeping up appearances. Dick Grayson even sent Viki Vale flowers on behalf of Bruce Wayne just so she wouldn’t connect the dots and realize he’s not avoiding her: he’s dead. That’s dedication. Still, Bruce Wayne is the worst man in comics for following up on dates. Spider-Man even makes the time to call when he’s out being Spider-Man. In the One More Day reboot he missed his wedding to M.J. after an accident that left him unconscious in an alley, but he freely fessed-up without making excuses like Batman does. He’s not going to come out and say, “I had a business meeting,” when he’s secretly out fighting bad guys.

Since the reboot, everything’s been taken back to square one with revised stories, but no one’s re-explained Damien, Batman’s very-illegitimate ten-year-old son with a terrorist, or how he’s explained to the public where his bastard child came from. Everyone in the public knows Bruce Wayne has adopted three different boys as his wards, plus he’s a playboy, so why would he be so hush-hush about a secret love child for ten years when he clearly has no shame about the subject, and who is the mother? He pulled a Michael Jackson.

It’s not just Bruce getting his dick wet, other heroes associated with him are getting a new lease on love. Commissioner Gordon lost the white locks in favour of ginger to look younger, despite being white-haired since Detective Comics #1 back in the 40’s. The Red Hood also popped his cherry with Starfire, which is quite the feat. Jason Todd was little more than a teenager when he was Robin, and died, and obviously never got any nookie. When he came back to life, he pursued his interests in Donna Troy, who wasn’t having any of it: because despite becoming a homicidal bad-ass, he was still the whiny little bitch in green booty shorts she knew back in the day with Teen Titans. He got his own female sidekick later, but she was a complete butterface, and also underage, so let’s hope nothing happened there. So Starfire was officially his first, which, considering her new sluttified personality, really wasn’t that much of a challenge.

Nightwing, on the other hand, has it the worst. His two former will-you-marry-me love interests have been rebooted. Batgirl’s got her legs back, but she’s too busy getting back in the saddle to care about him, and Starfire is fucking a second-rate replacement to himself and his former drug-addicted friend. Nightwing use to be #1 with the fire crotches, and now he’s been left out in the cold.