Last night was the official end of the world. It had been bumped up previously from five months earlier due to a miscalculation or a misinterpretation, but last night was the real deal. All sinners were ripped apart by ravenous zombies while the good Christians of a particular niche religion who made a sizeable enough donation were Raptured up to White People Heaven. I survived by using my wits and a baseball bat, and made it home to blog.
Every time the world is supposed to end, you hear about people giving away all their material possessions, and then getting pissed off when it turns out they still need them. I don’t know if that’s just an Urban Myth, but it happens every single time, and I’d like to know why.
Why would you give away all your stuff, even if you thought the world was ending? It’s not a good deed if the world’s about to end. It’s like saying, “Here, you can use my walkman for the next thirty minutes.” I know everyone is a fan of deathbed repenting, but God’s not going to be fooled by that shit. You’d think giving something away for free would be a no-brainer in the charity department, but the sinner could have simply taken it from you after you ascended in a golden beam of light. They’re already going to spend an eternity in Hell, so stealing leftovers from a Raptured person who’s evolved beyond their corporeal form isn’t likely going to add much to their sentence. Later, a hell beast will take all your shit by proxy after consuming the flesh and souls of the people you donated it to. It’s trickle-down economics. Technically, by giving your possessions away, you let it fall right into the hands of the Unholy Ones, making you the worst person in history. Imagine someone being torn to shreds by a demon: now imagine instead of using it’s claws, it’s now clubbing them with the stool from your breakfast nook. You made that happen. Maybe some guy who stole a candy bar from the store when he was ten is being sodomized with your flatscreen TV. He’ll curse the day he ever accepted your charity.
Then, there’s the fairly high chance you don’t get Raptured. What if everyone else but you and the guy you gave your stuff to are taken up to Heaven? You’ll need that stuff back, and getting it is going to be pretty awkward. You’ll have to do favours. MOUTH favours, and that’s not the kind of good deed that gets you Raptured.
Of course, the person blames whoever told him the world was ending if he sells his stuff and nothing happens. The real culprit is him being an idiot.
The weirdest thing about these End of Days predictions that never come true, is that people still believe even after the day has come and gone. Looking at this Camping fiasco. They already pushed back the date from May 21st. The only reason anyone found out about the new set date was because people STILL believed in these predictions even after they had already failed. It’s like how people tried to invent the airplane. Someone would fall to their deaths off a cliff, and the next person would come along and try the EXACT same thing. We’re nothing but human lemmings. Technically, lemmings aren’t even lemmings, so we’re just human humans.
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