Pluto vs. Bluto

With all the talk of illegal-immigration today, it’s easy to forget about another kind of alien. Namely: ALIENS.

My step-son received a book on space for his birthday. In it, the book claims that there’s only eight planets in our solar system, and that Pluto doesn’t count for shit. Of course, I read all about scientists giving Pluto the finger years back, but to see it actually implemented in educational books is like living in 1980 (the book/movie, not the year). The reasoning behind the decision to de-label Pluto as a planet is sound, but that’s only according to scientists. If you ask me, it’s total bullshit. When I grew up not so long ago, there were nine fucking planets, and Pluto was the Tito Jackson, but it was still fucking there. If your system of classification for a planet doesn’t include Pluto, you don’t need to re-label Pluto, you need to change your fucking system, ‘cause it’s broke.

Pluto = Planet.

But who are the people behind this decision? Who would benefit the most from this re-classifcation? Who else but: ALIENS.

Yes: aliens. The Plutonians want us to forget they exist, to make their sneak attack on this planet that much sneakier. They’ve carefully infiltrated the scientific community and brought about this change to ready us for the slaughter. No other explanation makes sense.

The same basic strategy was used during the Cold War. The the K.G.B. put their sleeper agents inside the American education system and took away any reference to the U.S.S.R. from every Atlas, globe and map. Look at any map made after 1989 and try to find the U.S.S.R. Hint: IT’S NOT FUCKING THERE. Instead, they have, “Russia,” in it’s place, land of milk and honey (assuming that by, “milk,” you mean, “vodka,” and by, “honey,” you also mean, “vodka.”). Believe me, though, the U.S.S.R. is still there, just like Pluto: lying in wait for the perfect moment to strike. (Other instances of this happening include Constantinople, the Ottoman-Hungarian Empire, and Troy.)

So what happens to our schools now? Is the word, “Pluto,” going to be crossed out with black felt marker like a government document from the Bush administration? Are dioramas of the solar system going to be burned because they include Pluto? Are kids going to fail their tests because they incorrectly answered that our solar system has nine planets?

FUCK THAT SHIT. I say it’s time to take back Pluto, both figuratively, and literally. We need to forget about a manned mission to Mars and focus on Pluto instead… with  laser cannons. When I was a kid, they said this era in history would be called the Space Age. They were fucking wrong. We need to use that idea, and get all 1950’s idealized future on Pluto’s ass. I want Master Chief on Pluto, tea-bagging defenceless Plutonians by tea-time.

Remember, if someone tells you that Pluto isn’t a planet, they’re not one of us, and they’re Plutonians oppressing your rights as a human being. It’s EXACTLY like the Pope telling Galileo that the stars revolve around the Earth, except it won’t be the Pope, but a Plutonian terrorist in disguise.