Remember back in the 90’s when there was a resurgence in the popularity of jeans? Pepridge Farms remembers.
I was remembering how there used to be all these different fashion options back then, most of them terrible. Bellbottoms briefly made a comeback with the ladies, and quite frankly it wasn’t that bad, especially if the girl in question had a ghetto booty on her. With grunge, people were tearing new holes into their perfectly good jeans, until someone came up with the idea of selling them at retail in a pre-ripped style. The person who came up with that idea made a million goddamn dollars by taking a $10 pair of jeans, cutting them up, and selling them back at $50 a pop. Worse still were the acid wash jeans. That was a terrible idea from start to finish. Not content with faded colours, someone decided they needed to be chemically treated. The result was an eyesore that, much like the sun, no one wanted to look at. Seriously, the only thing that went with the acid wash jeans was a baggy white T-shirt and high top sneaks with the laces not laced properly. That was the early 90’s in a nutshell. Then there were button-fly jeans. Zippers were somehow too accommodating, so people decided they needed to keep their junk buttoned up. Not that bad of an idea, especially for anyone who’s ever got caught in their own zippers. Problem is: the Americans who bought these jeans also bought cheeseburgers. The two don’t mix. As they got fatter, their bulge began to bulge in ways it was no meant to. Buttons would come unbuttoned, or unbuttonable, and the result was a peek at their new-fangled thongs (thongs being the greatest fashion article invented in the 90’s).
Baggy jeans and low-riders ended up the century. Unfortunately, these articles of clothing were adopted by Wiggers, when they were better suited for hot chicks. I can remember girls walking around my high school with their low riders on, and the knots for their G-Strings sticking up out the sides, so all you had to do was just reach out and pull on this little string and their undies come off without ever touching their pants. That was SEXY AS HELL. You know what wasn’t sexy? All those wannabes running around with their Calvin Klein undies showing. That was wrong, and it went on far too long. I don’t known what the logic was behind all that. Was it supposed to attract the opposite sex? Was it supposed to send out a message like, “Hey ladies, my mom bought me a pack of Calvin Klein undies at the mall. Does that make you wet?” I’m sure on some level women are curious to see men in their underwear. It’s only natural. Seeing the elastic band of overpriced name-brand tighties on about one hundred guys in a day, however, couldn’t have been that interesting, especially for the girls who enjoyed a good bulge every now and then. The baggy jeans showed off about 0% bulge. It was the fashion of choice for the bulge-less. Plus dude were constantly pulling their pants up. For girl who were irritated by seeing guys scratching their balls in public, this must have been similarly irritating.
On the opposite end of the spectrum: tight jeans were in style with the punk crowd for a while. I’m talking about skin-tight. And it was only the lankiest of boys wearing them, so they looked like cartoon skeletons. Those jeans were just torture to your crotch. Now ladies sometimes like a good, tight pair of pants on a fella, but if they ever ended up in the sack with him, they’d find his sack was now permanently residing inside his body, because those fucking jean mutilated genitals. You may have been a dude when you put them on, but you’d be a girl by the time you took them off.
In many ways, it was a Renaissance of Jeans. What do we have nowadays for pants? Nothing. Just stuffy old styles, and cheaply made too. Not to say that the jeans of the 90’s weren’t cheaply made: they were, and by child labour. But those kids knew how to sew. I’ve gone through six pairs of Lees last year because the back pocket of my luscious, luscious ass keeps tearing, and that’s bullshit.
No comments:
Post a Comment