The Incredible Rob Ford

If I could be anyone, it'd be Rob Ford. Not one is more untouchable. If I was him, I'd walk into my next press conference, point to the first reporter, and before he could speak tell him. "Whatever you were going to ask, 'Yes, I probably did that.' Next question? Did that to. Oh, should I let you speak? Let me quess, though, you were going to ask me about smoking crack? Yes, I smoked crack, but I was too drunk to realize it. There you go. You're all up in my business about crack, but really it's the booze you should be worried about. I get so drunk I do drugs. Liqour is the real gateway drug, but do you know what I do when I get high on crack? I drink more. I drink, I get high, and then I drink until I forget I'm high. Drugs are like the side order to my liquid lunch. You know what else? Between the drugs and booze, guess what's going to kill me first? Probably the booze. I have a sickness, and you're shaming me for it. Don't you feel bad now? Also, here's my dick." *Drops pants*