The Incredible Rob Ford

If I could be anyone, it'd be Rob Ford. Not one is more untouchable. If I was him, I'd walk into my next press conference, point to the first reporter, and before he could speak tell him. "Whatever you were going to ask, 'Yes, I probably did that.' Next question? Did that to. Oh, should I let you speak? Let me quess, though, you were going to ask me about smoking crack? Yes, I smoked crack, but I was too drunk to realize it. There you go. You're all up in my business about crack, but really it's the booze you should be worried about. I get so drunk I do drugs. Liqour is the real gateway drug, but do you know what I do when I get high on crack? I drink more. I drink, I get high, and then I drink until I forget I'm high. Drugs are like the side order to my liquid lunch. You know what else? Between the drugs and booze, guess what's going to kill me first? Probably the booze. I have a sickness, and you're shaming me for it. Don't you feel bad now? Also, here's my dick." *Drops pants*

Beards and Evolution

I thought about how ancient depictions of cavemen in cave paintings, while crude and basic, never depicted a hunter with a beard. Hunting was an inescapable right of passage for young men, and beards are the !most irrefutable sign of adulthood, but the two never crossed. Flat forward to ancient Egypt, and the only depictions of beards are the ornamental ones of the Pharoh's. Even mummies from that era who retained their hair had no beards.  This would mean every other male had access to a razor blade, or else was naturally beardless.
Older and ancient Bablyon, however, depicted men with big, curly beards without exception. Geographically, and in terms of time, the two weren't far off.
The Greeks washed themselves by scraping olive oil off of their skin with a blade, but still sported beards. Many statues of the era depicted males with no body hair, but beards. There are exceptions, though, which meant that men shaved. This is the first recorded instance of this happening.
First Nations, when full blooded, are unable to grow facial hair. Either they're more evolved than modern man, or they've retained their natural properties.
Is the beard, then, a relatively recent evolvement? If we evolved from apes, why don't apes sport the same fascial hair? Why, also, is it exclusive to men? If it's beneficial, both sexes should sport it.