TV is Dead

In the age of HDTV, it’s ironic that television has never been worse. This very paradox may have spawned the hipster movement with all the irony going on. That and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
The other night, I was channel surfing. It’s late Summer, and I’m not expecting much. I certainly wasn’t expecting three shows about auctions. Shows like this just sort of creep up on you. You’ll see an ad for a reality TV show, maybe about a couple having too many kids, and you’ll think to yourself, “That looks terrible.” Still, people will watch it. Then, there’s suddenly another show, only this couple has more kids. Then there’s all kinds of spin-off, marathons and specials, until entire channels are devoted to nothing but people having too many children. The last weird fad I noticed like this was about cupcakes. It started off being cakes. There’s shows about cake bosses, and cake judging, and bakeries, etc. Then from that came cupcakes. I think there were at least four cupcake shows last time I checked. One show was an “America’s Next Top Model” style show about cupcakes, where judges were making catty comments about the cupcakes the contestants made, and the contestants themselves were all catty bitches telling each other they weren’t in the competition to make friends. Contestants were being put-down by the judges until they were at the point of tears because their cupcake aren’t moist enough. Another one is just about a bakery that specializes in cupcakes. The most bizarre thing about these shows is that no matter how many of them you watch, you will never learn how to make cupcakes. It’s not a show that teaches. Another show is completely about two girls running a bakery for cupcakes. I know this because my wife was watching it in the other room as I was sitting here complaining about these show. By watching this show, you will never learn how to run a successful bakery. Directors and producers have taken the blandest material, and then take away all the entertainment value and education.
These auction shows are even bigger B.S.. If you try to describe it, it sounds like The Antique Road Show, but it’s not, because it’s not a show about rare, historical valuables. It’s about people buying people’s garbage. They call themselves treasure hunters, but they’re really dumpster divers. If you’ve ever bid on anything on eBay, you’re as close to a professional as these people are. There’s the one show, Storage Wars, where they bid on storage lockers before viewing the contents, then try and pretend everything inside is a priceless valuable. Then there’s another show exactly like it, because those guys are a bunch of a-holes, and this other group of complete unknowns in a subculture no one knows or cares about are the real deal. Then there’s about fifteen shows like this about pawn shops, a retail industry dying faster than record stores. You might as well do a show about blacksmithing, since it’s as relevant to today’s culture. These shows operate on the premise that every item they buy has a story behind it. A very boring story.
  

Mo’ of That

I’ve been reading about the rebel uprising in Libya in the Province. A few days ago, they ran a half-page article with pictures about rebels taking over one of Momar’s summer homes. It made certain to cite that rebels had found empty bottles of champagne and vodka at the home, when alcohol is prohibited, and how it was a sign of Momar’s inherent hypocrisy. On the other page, in a smaller article, it talked about how Momar allegedly ordered the executions of over 50,000 people, and they were finding warehouses full of bodies.

…

The paper really made it sound as if people were really more outraged by his drinking than the war-crimes against his own people. It was like back in high school where they taught me how Hitler banned smoking in Germany, and also killed 6 million Jews. It’s like that way with every famous dictator. Stalin kept a mistress and also threw millions of Russians into gulags. Mussolini was sexist, and also conspired with the Nazis.

Why do people feel the need to tag on extra shit to someone’s list of crimes? The weird thing is, it’s as easy to remember some of these small details as the big, important stuff. Sometimes easier. Look at Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi. We know he digs his whores, and he like them young, and he doesn’t mind paying for it. But what about all the other corruption, etc? I’m not saying he’s as bad as Gaddafi, I’m just saying he’s up to some shit, and his own relatively minor, but sexy scandal is overshadowing his douchebaggery. Sometimes I wonder if in a hundred years Hitler will be remembered for the Holocaust and WWII, or just for the fact he had one nut.

Retail Hell

This morning at work I had to walk five minutes in the rain wearing just my T-shirt (and pants, of course, but imagine me pantless if it helps you get through the day) to look for an item at the side of the building, which we did not have, despite our computer system assuring me we had 190. When I came back soaking wet and miserable to tell the customers what I found, the one said, “Well that’s not very good business.”

…This is a typical day for me.

I’ve been avoiding blogging about the perils of work because:

1: It’s not good business.

2: I can be fired for it.

3: It alienates co-workers.

4: It can prevent me from finding other employment.

5: It makes me come off sounding like a whiny little bitch, which I am to some extent.

Really, though, if I’m blogging about my life as a journal, am I to be expected to leave out a giant chunk of my day? What if Anne Frank kept a journal and left out the part about hiding in an attic? I’ve had previous problems and complaints from writing about my relationships and family. One whole section of my blog is about how much I hate the town I live in, and I’ve been thinking about deleting that, for the same reasons listed above about my work. What am I left with? Even some works of complete fiction have been looked at by my friends and they’ve drawn conclusions I’m writing about them. One of the works in question was about a cartoon cat. It similar to the recent story about the author of, “The Help,” but completely ridiculous, and without the lawsuits.

It’s just the pitfalls of being a writer/blogger, and not a very good one at that. You take risks and you face consequences, no matter how overblown and undeserved. I have a very small readership, and likely always will, as this is no way a profession for me. Even so, anyone can stumble across these words and make an opinion. That’s not saying a person wouldn’t look at my blog’s other subjects and gain a negative opinion of me. People passing by on the street will judge you just the same by your clothes. The only difference is the person of the street can literally spit on you.

There’s so much material in my life to draw upon, but I often neglect it, or ignore it. For instance, at work earlier this month, I was required as a condition of my employment to watch a safety video and take a quiz on preventing terrorism. To summarize the experience, it was similar to the Smokey Bear, “Only you can prevent forest fires!” routine, but instead of fires I’m expected to stop 9/11 times a million. I’m a Canadian working for an American company. Quite frankly, the American mindset is completely alien and frightening to me. I can support ingesting Double Downs, but not the whole, “These colours don’t run!” aspect of their lifestyle. As I said, I work in retail. I’m unlikely, in the extreme, to ever come between freedom and terrorism. The video told me what mysterious items to look out for in the event of a terrorist would sneak his way through our tills. My official corporate approach to dealing with a would-be terrorist is supposed to be: call the police with a description. The criteria for suspicion is extremely vague. I’m expected to instinctively know the precise components for making a homemade bomb. If I knew how to make a bomb, would that make me a terrorist? I’m sure the C.I.A. would think so, should I try to google it. Say I did know what goes in a bomb, and someone comes by trying to buy the same things, and after factoring in the same racist xenophobic criteria airport security uses, all I can do is watch him go? What are the police going to do if I call them saying I think someone’s trying to build a bomb? They’re going to ask me why I think that. Then I have to tell them I saw a guy buy some wire and a timer, or whatever the hell he would need. They would then ask me, “And?” And I would have to reply, “’And,’ what? HE’S A TERRORIST!” The conversation would keep going like this until I mention he was brown, and then they would come and arrest him. Only, he’d be gone already, so better luck next time, freedom.

Seriously. First off, this is way too much pressure to put on someone. Second, I know terrorists are the new witches, but you’re giving people a free pass to be racist, without even having to say the word. I’ve seen Fox News by proxy through the Daily Show. We all know what a “terrorist” looks like, *wink* *wink*. The video I watched didn’t even imply that a suspected terrorist could just as likely be a suspected mobster, or gangster. Maybe he’s going to blow up some Crips? Are terrorists the only criminals who use bombs? Maybe he’s going to blow up his ex-wife. Or HER ex-wife. Think progressive, people. Blowing up rental vans isn’t just for some cartoony Middle-Eastern stereotypes anymore. Look at Blondie-Van-Blondhead in Norway. Am I supposed to be profiling people, even? How does one stop terrorism by making groundless assumptions without profiling? You hear stories about airport security patting down babies and checking the underwire bras of grandmas. Am I supposed to be doing this?

I’m just worried that some human beings are taking things this seriously. I’ve worked at other places where people are supposed to call police if they’re trying to buy the components for making meth, which is just as destructive. Obviously, if someone’s buying 50 bottles of bleach in a go, they’re up to some shit, but what about fertilizer? Am I supposed to suspect someone’s a terrorist if they want to buy a truckload of fertilizer? Am I supposed to call the cops and say, “He said he was trying to grow carrots and lettuce, buy I don’t believe that shit. He had crazy terrorist eyes!”

Fuck.

3DS

My step-son got a new 3DS for his birthday, and it didn’t take very long to Bogart it, so I’ve been play with it for a while, and trying out a lot of the features. Nintendo just dropped the price point on the machine so more people would go out and buy it, but his grandma got it for him a few weeks early at a slightly higher than current sale price at Costco. We ended up qualifying for the 20 free downloadable games, which are coming eventually. I’m kind of confused by the delay. To compensate for everyone who rushed out and bought it early, for over $60 more than they would pay now, Nintendo gave out free games. Only, you don’t get the games right away. You have to wait for them to be released at some future date. From their list, it looks like a lot of the titles are already available for download for around $2.99 to $7.99 apiece. So what happens if you buy one beforehand? It’s not as if you have the entire list of 20 games at your disposal every time you go looking in their Virtual Console area under eShop. You’ll be screwed over twice, just because you didn’t want to wait around.
Their eShop area is pretty dismal to begin with. I was expecting something akin to Xbox Live Arcade, but there’s only a handful of titles, dating back to 2009. They’re not exactly flooding the site with content. Most games are simply direct ports of pre-existing titles for earlier iterations of the Gameboy, and they still have the same monochrome graphics. They couldn’t even be bothered to code in colour. So you have a device in your hand that’s capable of delivering glasses-free 3D, but you’re playing 2D side-scrolling monochrome titles. You’d be better off digging out your old Gameboy, really.
The 3D camera option is a little weird to work with. The controls are all fine, it’s just the actual act of taking a 3D photo. With modern 2D digital cameras, you’re used to seeing the image on a display screen, which is in flat 2D. With the 3DS, you’re looking at a 3D projected image on a screen, which is like looking at a distorted, grainier version of real-life. It’s like wearing someone else’s prescription glasses and walking around. It’s a weird way of taking photos, because even in the old days of photography, photos were essentially taken with a 2D perspective, because you’d be looking through the window of the camera with one eye. Of course, the temptation of the user is to Avatar the hell out of every shot, with objects flying at the camera in 3D. There’s nothing wrong with that, but not every shot has to be an action shot, or a deep perspective shot.
I watched a Blue Man group video in 3D as well under Nintendo Videos. Only segments were in 3D, so you were left wondering if the screen was actually working until they got into the action. You have the option of turning 3D on or off at any time with the flick of a slider. Some menus and content are only available in 2D, but leaving the slider in the 3D position makes it look… weird, because the screen is still trying to trick your eyes. You’ll imagine things in 3D when they’re not. Of course, only the top screen is in 3D, and the bottom is in 2D. You need to look at both screens to use the 3DS. The 3D only works when you’re looking directly at the 3D screen. If you look at the bottom screen, the top screen, in your upper peripheral, will become distorted. Your eyes are doing a lot of things they don’t want to be doing.
Then there’s the whole AR 3D aspect of the system. Using easily damage and lost cards that come with the system, you can play AR games and take AR photos, like Samus shooting your action figures in the nuts. This requires you to position yourself correctly, and move around carefully in well-lit areas. So now you’re bobbing your head around as you’re looking at a 3D screen. It’s no wonder some people get headaches. I wasn’t necessarily dizzy after one quick session, but I had to blink for a while until my eyes adjusted to reality.
The weirdest thing about Nintendo ever since they came out with the Wii is how they insist upon their players moving around and exercising. They carried this over to the 3DS with a pedometer that counts your steps and gives you rewards for walking. Then there’s a Street Pass, where if you walk by someone with another 3DS, your systems will link up, and you’ll gain new characters and rewards in a semi-social context. I’ve heard of people using this feature at gaming conventions before quite efficiently. Only, this is the real world. I just took a 7000 step walk with the 3DS in Street Pass mode. There was a festival going on, so I walked by about 5,000 people. How many people do you think I met using Street Pass. Zero, of course. That’s because one has a 3DS. That’s why Nintendo dropped the price, because no one’s buying it. And why should they? They have DSs, DSi, and DSi XLs, which all work fine and all play the games they like. The 3DS is just a continuation of that with a new gimmick. Only, it’s not in competition with it’s predecessors anymore, it’s in competition with iPhones and iPads, which cost more, but do more as well. There’s a lot the 3DS does that an iPad does as well, but the iPad also has an ever expanding pantheon of downloadable apps, games, and content. When I went looking for apps in the eShop, I found pretty much nothing. The 3DS has internet, but it’s as slow and clunky as hell, making it virtually useless. It basically not geared towards the modern Western market that wants all of it’s devices to link up to their favourite apps and sites.
The game selection is pretty dismal, and looking worse for the future. The tops games are either ports or sequels. They’re repackaging old games without much else new about them, except they’re in 3D. I bought Nintendogs for the kid, because it’s something age appropriate, but looking at it, it’s hard to even call it a game, since it’s a sim. And there’s three versions of it, making it one of the most popular 3DS games, if only by volume. It a fun game, but is it going to last him? The other titles look too hard for him, and I’d probably have to end up playing through most of them for him, not that I have a problem with that.

I’m not saying she’s a Goldfarmer…

Occasionally, I’ll venture into my junk e-mail folder to see if anything has fallen through the cracks, and I’ll see e-mails from this man:

Kim Jong Il. Or at least someone with the same grasp on the Engrish language.

“Der Players
You've been summoned back to Azeroth. Experience all of the new and exciting content that's been added to World of Warcraft? In the 4.2 game, Rise of the Zandalari, with 7 FREE days of game time for your account. Maybe you have experience. Simply (…) below to claim your free time... but act fast, as this limited-time offer will expire soon and friends in the game interaction.”

You see, I played WoW for a time. I wasn’t particularly good at it, and I quit. Why would I pay a monthly subscription fee when there’s so many things I could suck at for free? Still, constantly receive these e-mails from Goldfarmers trying to phish my account.

“Greetings!
When you take to the skies astride a blazing, eagle-winged lion, your comrades will know you mean business. Serious business. So saddle up, because this flying mount will travel as fast as your riding skill will take you, and it can even travel at 310% speed if you have at least one other 310% speed mount.

Once activated, this World of Warcraft in-game pet key applies to all present and future characters on a single World of Warcraft license.

we will be complimentary seat to the 5,000 players. You can log Web site application, we will be lucky players randomly.
Please click this link to apply”

Each e-mail includes a very dubious link. Should I click it, it would no doubt send me to a look-alike site where it would ask me to log in. Logging in is very crucial to their evil plan. Once they have my name and password, neither of which I can even remember anymore, they would hijack my account and then… What exactly? Like I said, I suck at Warcraft. Any gear my character has is garbage. It’d be like robbing a homeless person. I have no idea what my loot would go for in the secondary Goldfarming market, but I’m guessing it’d be less than one dollar American. Way to go, North Korea. You’re one step closer to buying that WMD.

The saddest part is how much effort they clearly try to put into making it all seem legit, and then they fuck up the grammar. I can’t tell if they’re being stupid, because a convoluted plan involving phishing into player accounts just so they can rob a virtual people and turn their in-game items into real-world money doesn’t seem entirely stupid. Seriously, if you can take virtual money and turn it into real cash, then you’re a fucking evil genius. Why do they include the bad grammar and typos, then? Is it so they can make fun of the people who do fall for these scams? Do they not spell-check their own spam? Are they already using their Engrish skill to the max, superfuntime? Or maybe there’s some poor kid in North Korea writing all these with a gun to his head, and he slips in these errors because he feels guilty about what he’s being forced to do? “Prease ret them notice my ellols,” he whispers under his breath, before his head is blown off by his cruel overseer and another boy is brought in.

Captain Shamerica

After leaving the theatre, I realized that at no point during the preceding movie had Captain America fought a Nazi. He had fought numerous agents of Hydra, which was a breakaway terrorist organization that collaborated with the Nazis, but not necessarily Nazis themselves. The closest he came to fighting a real Nazi was fake-punching the stage actor pretending to be Hitler during the V.S.O, shows. Furthermore, he hadn’t physically participated in WWII. He fought in splinter campaigns that targeted Hydra weapons manufacturing plants, which had nothing to do with the war against Germany. By killing the three Nazi officials who came to inspect his work, the Red Skull did more for the Allied war effort that Captain America.

Which led me to think more about what I know regarding Captain America. In the original comic books, Captain America kept his true identity as Steve Rogers a secret, which makes no sense. He was enlisted in the army and would have to sneak out of his barracks at night in disguise to fight Nazis as Captain America. Why? Did the U.S. not want a costumed super hero running around Europe solving all their problems for them while advertising how awesome America is? In the movie, they turn Steve Rogers into the ultimate soldier, and then turn him into a prop for selling War Bonds. That, at least, I can believe. Think of all the professional athletes who get pumped up full of steroids to become super beings just so they can sell us shoes made by Chinese children. Think of all they could accomplish with their athleticism, and all they ever turn into is a corporate shill. We always assumed Air Jordan could one day save us from Martian invasion, but he’d rather sell us Air Jordans.

I was impressed by how the movie successfully tied in with Thor and Iron Man, especially since it’s set seventy years before either of those movies took place, and at no point is Captain America ever mentioned in those titles. That’s like getting Buffy the Vampire Slayer to tie into Toy Story, with only the weakest thread tying them together.

The Painting That Ate Paris

I was going through my old paintings, and I found this:

I have no fucking clue where this came from, but I made it, and it’s real. This is an acrylic on canvas, measuring about five feet by two-and a half feet. It’s title, “Project David.” The photo can’t really do it justice, as the canvas has been crumpled from being rolled up for years. I probably painted it about ten years ago, you see, and it hasn’t seen the light of day since.

I have no recollection of ever having worked on this painting. By the scale and the detail I put into it, I probably spent a couple weeks playing with it. Those weeks are lost to my memory. I assume it was for my painting and drawing class in university. It may have even been on display briefly in the halls of UFV, or UCFV, as it was called then.

I have no idea how I could have put so much effort into something and then not remember anything about it. It’s almost as if someone else made this, although the style is all my own.

I have to guess what the subject matter is about:

The figure is sporting a mane of hair and beard reminiscent of Jesus, but that may be a red herring. He could merely be unkempt. He’s also bleeding from the head and chest. The red blood was likely added as the work’s “dynamic,” which was a requirement by my teacher. It’s something to draw the eye and contrast against the black and grey cloudy background. Although it doesn’t immediately strike me, I may have screwed up on rendering the moustache, which may have led me to hate this work from the get-go. Up close, though, it doesn’t look all that bad in those areas. It’s when the light hits it a certain way it blends into the mud-brown and loses the brushwork.

The figure is also bare-chested. I may have posed for it in the mirror, but it doesn’t look quite like my body. I’m much more hairy than this figure. I was confused by the object in his hands, but it appears to be a space helmet. It wouldn’t fit snugly over his head, so it would have to have a suit where it probably attached to, leaning forward in a half-moon shape. The black circle in the front of the dome would likely be a speaker. His arms and the helmet are propped on what must be a grey table.

As best I can guess by the title there’s a whole story attached to this, and it’s probably “Event Horizon”-esque.

Strange.

My work

The following large post is a selection of my work from high school and university, circa 1998-2002. It contains artistic nudity.