No, Michael Bay, That’s a Bad Michael Bay!

I went to Toys’R’Us yesterday and saw what Michael Bay is calling Soudwave:



Just for the record, this is what Soundwave is supposed to look like:


The important difference? He transforms into this:

A fucking Boombox, which was by definition the most awesome thing one could possess in the 80’s, aside from an oversized car phone. I understand that kids today don’t know what a Boombox is, but I think they’d have a harder time understanding what this is:

What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be some kind of spaceship? Am I supposed to fly in this thing? Bear in mind that this is a triple-changer: meaning it has three possible transformations. The other one looks like this:


…That’s not a different transformation. That’s the same transformation, only the wings are bent back. What kind of shit are you trying to pull? You want to see a triple-changer? Here’s your fucking triple-changer:






Do you see how it’s three different things? Not two. Three. Triple.
Michael Bay, did you honestly look at the Transformers archives and say to yourself, “You know what the Transformers could us more of? Jets.”
1/2 of the Transformers are fucking jets. The other half are cars, like this one:

That’s the Transformers Animated Soundwave. He’s still not a fucking Boombox, but at least I can tell what he is. You know the other thing he has that Michael Bay’s Soundwave doesn’t? Laserbeak.
Soundwave is supposed to be able to shoot out robot minions out of his chest. Can your movie Soundwave do that? I DIDN’T THINK SO!
The most important part of Soundwave is that he has other robots living inside of him, in tape form, which he can pop out of his chest any time he needs a crony to run errands. There’s nothing creepy or weird about that. In fact, it’s fucking awesome. What’s more awesome is that these tapes transform into robot animals. Laserbeak, for instance, transforms into a fucking robot hawk, or some shit. Looking at the movie Soundwave package, I didn’t see any fucking Laserbeak, making the toy a piece of shit.
I understand the need to “update” shit for a younger, and more retarded audience, but what’s the point of cashing in on an old franchise if you’re going to ignore what made it so great in the first place? Megan Fox’s fine young ass can only take you so far. At the very least, Soundwave should look like something. Something soundwavey, but no, you failed at that and you failed at life in general, now die.