I recently visited the Vancouver Aquarium, where I was treated to the rare sight of a dolphin defecating in front of hundreds of people. During the dolphin show, three of the dolphins jumped out of the water onto the dock, where they proceeded to lift their tails high in the air. One they had achieved that, one of the dolphins squeezed out a juicy dump.
This was not the only scene for animals taking craps. We went to the underwater viewing area and saw one of the otters swimming around it’s tank. It passed us by several times, but on the third or so pass, it decided to dump. My face was separated from an otter and it’s bowel movement by a few inches and some reinforced glass.
This served to remind me that the ocean is chock full of crap. Even if we stopped ocean dumpage, there would still be animals dumping in the ocean. Furthermore, if mermaids were real, they would likely be swimming around in their own feces all the time. I saw the Little Mermaid, and while I saw a version of a powder room where Ariel could apply her underwater makeup, I saw no facilities. Meaning: Ariel just goes anywhere she pleases, like a horse in a parade. She probably continued to do it after she got her land legs.
Interesting.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
No, Michael Bay, That’s a Bad Michael Bay!
I went to Toys’R’Us yesterday and saw what Michael Bay is calling Soudwave:
Just for the record, this is what Soundwave is supposed to look like:
The important difference? He transforms into this:
A fucking Boombox, which was by definition the most awesome thing one could possess in the 80’s, aside from an oversized car phone. I understand that kids today don’t know what a Boombox is, but I think they’d have a harder time understanding what this is:
What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be some kind of spaceship? Am I supposed to fly in this thing? Bear in mind that this is a triple-changer: meaning it has three possible transformations. The other one looks like this:
…That’s not a different transformation. That’s the same transformation, only the wings are bent back. What kind of shit are you trying to pull? You want to see a triple-changer? Here’s your fucking triple-changer:
Do you see how it’s three different things? Not two. Three. Triple.
Michael Bay, did you honestly look at the Transformers archives and say to yourself, “You know what the Transformers could us more of? Jets.”
1/2 of the Transformers are fucking jets. The other half are cars, like this one:
That’s the Transformers Animated Soundwave. He’s still not a fucking Boombox, but at least I can tell what he is. You know the other thing he has that Michael Bay’s Soundwave doesn’t? Laserbeak.
Soundwave is supposed to be able to shoot out robot minions out of his chest. Can your movie Soundwave do that? I DIDN’T THINK SO!
The most important part of Soundwave is that he has other robots living inside of him, in tape form, which he can pop out of his chest any time he needs a crony to run errands. There’s nothing creepy or weird about that. In fact, it’s fucking awesome. What’s more awesome is that these tapes transform into robot animals. Laserbeak, for instance, transforms into a fucking robot hawk, or some shit. Looking at the movie Soundwave package, I didn’t see any fucking Laserbeak, making the toy a piece of shit.
I understand the need to “update” shit for a younger, and more retarded audience, but what’s the point of cashing in on an old franchise if you’re going to ignore what made it so great in the first place? Megan Fox’s fine young ass can only take you so far. At the very least, Soundwave should look like something. Something soundwavey, but no, you failed at that and you failed at life in general, now die.
Just for the record, this is what Soundwave is supposed to look like:
The important difference? He transforms into this:
A fucking Boombox, which was by definition the most awesome thing one could possess in the 80’s, aside from an oversized car phone. I understand that kids today don’t know what a Boombox is, but I think they’d have a harder time understanding what this is:
What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be some kind of spaceship? Am I supposed to fly in this thing? Bear in mind that this is a triple-changer: meaning it has three possible transformations. The other one looks like this:
…That’s not a different transformation. That’s the same transformation, only the wings are bent back. What kind of shit are you trying to pull? You want to see a triple-changer? Here’s your fucking triple-changer:
Do you see how it’s three different things? Not two. Three. Triple.
Michael Bay, did you honestly look at the Transformers archives and say to yourself, “You know what the Transformers could us more of? Jets.”
1/2 of the Transformers are fucking jets. The other half are cars, like this one:
That’s the Transformers Animated Soundwave. He’s still not a fucking Boombox, but at least I can tell what he is. You know the other thing he has that Michael Bay’s Soundwave doesn’t? Laserbeak.
Soundwave is supposed to be able to shoot out robot minions out of his chest. Can your movie Soundwave do that? I DIDN’T THINK SO!
The most important part of Soundwave is that he has other robots living inside of him, in tape form, which he can pop out of his chest any time he needs a crony to run errands. There’s nothing creepy or weird about that. In fact, it’s fucking awesome. What’s more awesome is that these tapes transform into robot animals. Laserbeak, for instance, transforms into a fucking robot hawk, or some shit. Looking at the movie Soundwave package, I didn’t see any fucking Laserbeak, making the toy a piece of shit.
I understand the need to “update” shit for a younger, and more retarded audience, but what’s the point of cashing in on an old franchise if you’re going to ignore what made it so great in the first place? Megan Fox’s fine young ass can only take you so far. At the very least, Soundwave should look like something. Something soundwavey, but no, you failed at that and you failed at life in general, now die.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Fuck! Just… Fuck!
LiveJournal Tags: Tim Hortons
Ever go into an eating establishment (Tim fucking Hortons) with a gift card not knowing how much money is on said card, but a person must assume there’s SOME. This card, after all, gifted, making you believe the gifter might have set some funds for the giftee. There is in fact, none, so after splurging with your order you’re left to pay for the full amount from your own wallet. This would make for a hilarious joke, if you were the kind of asshole who played those sorts of jokes. Furthermore, when ordering your Turkey Bacon Club sandwich, the cashier immediately decides this means you want a B.L.T.. So you open your sandwich later and discover that there is no turkey, just bacon, lettuce and tomatoes, and you hate tomatoes. You would have requested, “No tomatoes please,” but the bitch got your order wrong anyway, so what fucking good would it have done.
Many times, I have been asked why I will order an item with tomatoes if I’m not going to eat them. Why? Because if I order, “No tomatoes,” I will still be given tomatoes. Then I’m expected to throw a fucking hysterical fit and charge the cashier like a wild animal, my sandwich held open like a Satanic Bible filled with terrible lies and demand why the fuck there’s tomatoes in my no-tomato sandwich. The answer, of course, is never satisfying. I see these people at the till. They’re the ones who decide to cut in when I’m placing my order, saying shit like, “I asked for no lettuce!” The implication is that they should re-make the sandwich without lettuce, as opposed to removing said lettuce: a task that does not require assistance from the restaurant staff. You could, alternatively, simply remove the offending food item yourself with your own hands, as your hands are going to be touching the sandwich anyway. And, if you’re going to do that, you might as well ignore asking for no tomatoes altogether. It saves everyone from a potentially deadly conflict.
But I had asked for an entirely different sandwich than what I was given. I ended up paying $6.50 for fucking bacon and lettuce in a bun. I’m already in the car driving away, so I don’t fucking feel like going back and complaining like some douche just so they can hem and haw and still get my fucking order wrong a second time. I don’t know why this happens so often at places I go. I suppose it’s some mix of stupidity and being hard-of hearing. Maybe they could hear better if they TOOK THE FUCKING HEADSET OFF. Why the fuck do they need these things? They’re in a kitchen that’s about fifty square feet. The person they’re talking to is right-the-fuck next to them, but they decided to make things “more efficient” they’re going to use these fucking headsets so they can only hear out of one fucking ear at a time. How is this fucking progress when I’m placing a simple-as-shit order and they can’t fucking hear me because they have a speaker crackling in their fucking ear?
It happened twice the last two times I went to Tim Hortons. The other time I was in the drive-thru ordering a dozen donuts and a coffee. By the time I get to the check-out, all they have me down for is the coffee. What the fuck did they think I was saying before I got to the word, “Coffee?” Was it, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah coffee?”
Plus getting in and out of Tim Hortons is a deathtrap. There’s always six cars minimum blocking the entrance. If you parked your car in front of the place when there was a rare, rare break in traffic, you’re never getting the fuck out. You have to fucking park across the lot at the Burger King. That’s the rule. If you go inside to take a look at what donuts you want or whatever, it’s usually backed up out the door. So you have to create your own line, because they haven’t figured out how to rope it off like a bank teller. So you always get some fucking moron coming in behind you and asking you if this is the end of the line, and some fucker who thinks he’s in front of you when he’s not.
All I want is a fucking coffee, a sandwich, and donuts. Why is it such an ordeal? Why? Why can’t you be a Krispy Kreme?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
WoWlverine!
I just found out that Johnny Wraith, the token black dude in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” was in fact a real character who looks precisely like his onscreen counterpart. Having read hundreds of X-Men comics over the years and virtually every comic concerning the “Wolverine” movie, I was still at a loss as to who he was. I found a single panel featuring him in a comic series I was also unaware of, “Maverick,” a completely unnecessary spin-off devoted to a Wolverine character that was cancelled in 12 issues. Knowing quite a bit about the Weapon-X Program featured in the movie, I thought they might include Maverick, or Kane, or any number of B or C-List characters to fill up the roster for his team, but instead they picked the most obscure characters ever, like Wraith, and two others who I couldn’t even find names for in the credits, namely: the electricity using mutant and the Japanese guy who was good with guns. Was the Japanese guy supposed to be the Silver Samurai, Wolverine’s arch-nemesis whenever he visits Japan? Who the hell was the electricity guy? Electro? I seriously have no clue. I guess it doesn’t matter, though, since they’re both dead now.
It amazes me that Wraith is so dead-on to his comic counterpart when Deadpool and the Blob get raped on screen. I like what they did with the Blob and his depression-based weight gain, especially since the Blob in the comic has his origin as circus freak. The Blob in the comic-book, cartoons, etc. is just a big, dumb, fat bully stereotype. In the movie, he’s a big, fat bully, but he’s trying to lose weight.
It amazes me that Wraith is so dead-on to his comic counterpart when Deadpool and the Blob get raped on screen. I like what they did with the Blob and his depression-based weight gain, especially since the Blob in the comic has his origin as circus freak. The Blob in the comic-book, cartoons, etc. is just a big, dumb, fat bully stereotype. In the movie, he’s a big, fat bully, but he’s trying to lose weight.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Game Night
I rented Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts this week after having played the demo. It’s described as a vehicle-based game, which in most cases means: racing; but in this instance it means: building. You go through a platform adventure filled with racing-style mini-games, but the catch is you have to build and complete vehicles to win challenges. The building process takes up about 3/4 of the game, as each challenge likely requires a brand-new modded vehicle. So before you enter into the challenge, you have to construct a new car, or boat, or place, or whatever it may be that’ll help you win. Then you have to test it out. Half the time, what you build is either too hard to control and you literally have to go back to the drawing board. Other times, you’ll lose an entire challenge by missing a checkpoint by a fraction of an inch, or you’ll drive off the edge of a bridge and have to start over. The challenges are repetitive in a Warcraft-style, save for the vehicle you’re using. There’s also thousands of “coins” to collect, which must be traded in for new parts, blueprints, etc., which is time-consuming. The main stage is a town where there’s little-else to do but hunt for parts. I spent most of my time trying to access new areas and rooftops by stacking crates and climbing, only to discover that later in the game you get a spring that jumps you up over obstacles.
It’s not particularly hard, providing that you’re not a completionist. My three-year-old girlfriend’s kid was able to control most of the vehicles when I let him play. The trick is completing each challenge with a perfect score,
I also played the first round of Canadian Beta-Testing for 1 vs. 100, which is free for any Canadian on XBox Live with a Gold Membership. It’s a MMO trivia game-show, where one person faces off against 100 other players. 10,000+ other players are in the audience in teams of 4, and can chat freely using their headsets. You play to win Microsoft Points, and other prizes. There’s multiple ways to win, either by winning as “The One,” winning as one of “The Hundred,” or winning as one of the top three players in the audience. There’s even sweepstakes entries you win for just playing, and Achievement points are supposedly tossed around freely.
The most innovative things about the game is the inclusion of a live host, who offers commentary, commercial-breaks, and the fact that 10,000 people are watching one guy play. That’s never happened in an MMO before. Think about it: 10,000 people are watching you win or lose.
There was a few technical slip-ups while I was playing, like the host’s audio cutting out, players disconnecting, etc, but it’s still a Beta. There wasn’t anything that affected my game personally, which would have enraged me.
Thing is: you have to play live during a two-hour schedule, so if you miss a game, you have to wait a week, or however many days for it to come back on, just like a real TV show.
It’s not particularly hard, providing that you’re not a completionist. My three-year-old girlfriend’s kid was able to control most of the vehicles when I let him play. The trick is completing each challenge with a perfect score,
I also played the first round of Canadian Beta-Testing for 1 vs. 100, which is free for any Canadian on XBox Live with a Gold Membership. It’s a MMO trivia game-show, where one person faces off against 100 other players. 10,000+ other players are in the audience in teams of 4, and can chat freely using their headsets. You play to win Microsoft Points, and other prizes. There’s multiple ways to win, either by winning as “The One,” winning as one of “The Hundred,” or winning as one of the top three players in the audience. There’s even sweepstakes entries you win for just playing, and Achievement points are supposedly tossed around freely.
The most innovative things about the game is the inclusion of a live host, who offers commentary, commercial-breaks, and the fact that 10,000 people are watching one guy play. That’s never happened in an MMO before. Think about it: 10,000 people are watching you win or lose.
There was a few technical slip-ups while I was playing, like the host’s audio cutting out, players disconnecting, etc, but it’s still a Beta. There wasn’t anything that affected my game personally, which would have enraged me.
Thing is: you have to play live during a two-hour schedule, so if you miss a game, you have to wait a week, or however many days for it to come back on, just like a real TV show.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I’m Going to Kick You Square in the Cyber-Balls
I’ve been playing Free Realms since it went live last Tuesday, and I’ve found it an enjoyable experience except for what seems to be a recurring error. After winning key card game matches, the game informs me, “You Lose.” …After winning. I know I won because:
1: I won.
2: My opponent lost.
3: A screen comes up, telling me I won.
4: I receive a playing card as a reward for winning.
All compelling cases for winning. Then, a second screen pops up with a, “Wa-wa-wa,” sound and bold red letters saying, “You Lose.”
That means I have to fight the same opponent again. Only, it’s harder the second time, and the third and fourth time. I have to fight the same opponent five more times before I win again, and this time I see the screen:
“You Lose.”
…But I won.
WTF?
What kind of B.S. is it when winning doesn’t result in me winning? The conditions given for winning the game was as follows: “You must win the game.” This isn’t some kind of Sinister Choice scenario where I rescue Gwen Stacey with my web, only it turns out she’s dead already, and the Green Goblin flies by on his glider and laughs at me. It’s a fucking card game. If winning isn’t good enough, losing is like double-losing. What else do they want me to do? Beat my opponent so bad they get thrown out of their virtual world and into reality, where I then have to fight them to the death with battle swords? Fuck you.
1: I won.
2: My opponent lost.
3: A screen comes up, telling me I won.
4: I receive a playing card as a reward for winning.
All compelling cases for winning. Then, a second screen pops up with a, “Wa-wa-wa,” sound and bold red letters saying, “You Lose.”
That means I have to fight the same opponent again. Only, it’s harder the second time, and the third and fourth time. I have to fight the same opponent five more times before I win again, and this time I see the screen:
“You Lose.”
…But I won.
WTF?
What kind of B.S. is it when winning doesn’t result in me winning? The conditions given for winning the game was as follows: “You must win the game.” This isn’t some kind of Sinister Choice scenario where I rescue Gwen Stacey with my web, only it turns out she’s dead already, and the Green Goblin flies by on his glider and laughs at me. It’s a fucking card game. If winning isn’t good enough, losing is like double-losing. What else do they want me to do? Beat my opponent so bad they get thrown out of their virtual world and into reality, where I then have to fight them to the death with battle swords? Fuck you.
Friday, May 1, 2009
The “F” in KFC
I needed something to eat for dinner, so I thought I’d try the Wrapstar from KFC. Basically, it’s like every chicken wrap on the market, but in star form. I go into KFC, and it’s not particularly busy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to wait 25 minutes for my food. As I said, it’s a chicken wrap, so it’s basically comprised of two parts: one part chicken and one part wrap. First: you take the chicken. Then: you wrap the chicken.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to wait an ungodly amount of time for a minor menu item at my local KFC. I can understand when there’s a rush and some fucker wants 100pcs of chicken and a small seasoned curllies, but there’s five people in the kitchen. I can see them through the window, wiping their noses on their hands then touching the food, which is especially encouraging given the fact there’s a DEADLY FLU OUTBREAK. I think we take for granted the fact that the disgusting samples of human filth around us can make us sick for weeks at the merest cough, but now they can FUCKING KILL US.
Today some woman came up to me asking for shelf brackets at the store. Except she didn’t simply as. She coughed heartily, then asked. You know when you can actually smell the reek of their Halls in the air? That’s when you KNOW you’re breathing in their germs. Anyway, I left he with VERY SPECIFIC instructions on finding the shelf brackets. Then she came back to me two minutes later, and I asked her what she needed.
She said, “SHELF BRACKETS,” as if I was retarded, but more as if she was retarded. Far be it from me to assume that she may have found the very easy to find item on her own. I again explained to her, this time drawing pictures in the air with my hands, as I might communicate with a Neanderthal. The difference is: I might want to actually fuck a Neanderthal.
She of course came back a third time, and again stated, “SHELF BRACKETS,” like it was an accusation.
I’m not a big believer in human rights, because instances like this make me realize human shouldn’t have rights.
I had to physically direct her to the shelf brackets, and along the way I had to listen to her bullshit accusations implying I didn’t know what I was talking about: as if I didn’t work in the same department for forty hours a week for two years. And, of course, being in that kind of proximity meant I had to breath in her disease: so I’ll be dead of swine flu soon.
My point about work and KFC is this: the fuckers at KFC make the EXACT same wage per hour for being incompetent as I do for being competent, and they make it as THEIR STARTING WAGE. I HAD TO WORK MY WAY UP TO REACH THEIR PAY LEVEL. At no point should I be able to jump behind the counter and do another person’s job faster, and more efficiently than they, and make less or equal to than that person. I believe this to be the root cause of war.
In a way, I blame myself for not applying myself better. Moreover, I blame myself for going back to the same restaurant and expecting a different experience. I use to think poorly of my father for refusing to eat at the same place twice if the food or service was bad, but now I see the logic. There’s just too many choices out there. I’ll give a place a few months to improve before I go back, which is ample time to shape up, but not for some people. Ever have a bad experience at an eatery, then wait long enough to forget about it? Only: when you go back, the same dumb teller is behind the cash register? Then you go: “Oh fuck.”
For me, I placed my order, gave my money, then wondered after twenty minutes about walking out. I’d be doing myself a favour, only I’d be out of my money, and I’d still have no food. I could ask for a refund, but with the retards on till, my food would be ready by the time they figured out how, or else they’d charge me twice by mistake.
*SIGH*
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to wait an ungodly amount of time for a minor menu item at my local KFC. I can understand when there’s a rush and some fucker wants 100pcs of chicken and a small seasoned curllies, but there’s five people in the kitchen. I can see them through the window, wiping their noses on their hands then touching the food, which is especially encouraging given the fact there’s a DEADLY FLU OUTBREAK. I think we take for granted the fact that the disgusting samples of human filth around us can make us sick for weeks at the merest cough, but now they can FUCKING KILL US.
Today some woman came up to me asking for shelf brackets at the store. Except she didn’t simply as. She coughed heartily, then asked. You know when you can actually smell the reek of their Halls in the air? That’s when you KNOW you’re breathing in their germs. Anyway, I left he with VERY SPECIFIC instructions on finding the shelf brackets. Then she came back to me two minutes later, and I asked her what she needed.
She said, “SHELF BRACKETS,” as if I was retarded, but more as if she was retarded. Far be it from me to assume that she may have found the very easy to find item on her own. I again explained to her, this time drawing pictures in the air with my hands, as I might communicate with a Neanderthal. The difference is: I might want to actually fuck a Neanderthal.
She of course came back a third time, and again stated, “SHELF BRACKETS,” like it was an accusation.
I’m not a big believer in human rights, because instances like this make me realize human shouldn’t have rights.
I had to physically direct her to the shelf brackets, and along the way I had to listen to her bullshit accusations implying I didn’t know what I was talking about: as if I didn’t work in the same department for forty hours a week for two years. And, of course, being in that kind of proximity meant I had to breath in her disease: so I’ll be dead of swine flu soon.
My point about work and KFC is this: the fuckers at KFC make the EXACT same wage per hour for being incompetent as I do for being competent, and they make it as THEIR STARTING WAGE. I HAD TO WORK MY WAY UP TO REACH THEIR PAY LEVEL. At no point should I be able to jump behind the counter and do another person’s job faster, and more efficiently than they, and make less or equal to than that person. I believe this to be the root cause of war.
In a way, I blame myself for not applying myself better. Moreover, I blame myself for going back to the same restaurant and expecting a different experience. I use to think poorly of my father for refusing to eat at the same place twice if the food or service was bad, but now I see the logic. There’s just too many choices out there. I’ll give a place a few months to improve before I go back, which is ample time to shape up, but not for some people. Ever have a bad experience at an eatery, then wait long enough to forget about it? Only: when you go back, the same dumb teller is behind the cash register? Then you go: “Oh fuck.”
For me, I placed my order, gave my money, then wondered after twenty minutes about walking out. I’d be doing myself a favour, only I’d be out of my money, and I’d still have no food. I could ask for a refund, but with the retards on till, my food would be ready by the time they figured out how, or else they’d charge me twice by mistake.
*SIGH*
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