Walking with Dinosaurs
This was a real kid's movie that tried it's hardest to be as obnoxious as possible. The movie is book-ended with real-life human actors because a movie about dinosaurs killing each other apparently needs humans that aren't in danger of being eaten. This part of the movie is about a whiny bitch teenager and his Uncle trying to lead him and his little sister into the woods where no one can hear them scream. The kid's shrooms he took apparently before the movie started kick in as a bird starts talking to him then morphs into a prehistoric bird so he can narrate the whole movie in the inexplicable Mexican accent of John Leguizamo.All the dinosaurs have terrible voice-overs. It's like the old Garfield cartoon where Garfield's lips never move while he's talking, only Mondays haven't been invented yet. The voice-acting itself is attrocious. It's worse than early video games where the actors had no prep-time before being given the script and told to read their lines.
The entire film is set in Alaska, using actual modern-day Alaskan scenery, which kind of detracts from the uber-realistic CGI, which is the movie's only saving grace. It seems to suggest that topography and fauna hasn't changed in millions of years. It would have been interesting to see the megafauna of the past instead of the backdrop for Sarah Palin's Bridge to Nowhere, but what can you do? The movie follows the life of one dinosaur, which is like a Triceratops but isn't. The movie stops and shows the names of all the dinosaurs as it goes along, along with the name's definition -which is educational, but I forgot each name instantly. A lot of the Latin names are less than inspired. Edmontonsaurus means Edmonton Saurus? Tell me more! Yes, the movie is educational and goes into subjects such as herds, species, migration, and the differences between carnivores and herbivores. It'll probably end up being shown to Grade 6ers while the teacher goes out and smokes.
The narrator tells you what's going to happen before it happens, lessing in the impact so you care even less about a barely-there paint-by-numbers plot. "The sad part is coming up," he says at one part.
"Well I guess I'll go and get some more popcorn," I said.
The main character also keeps cutting into the narrator's story, which is bizzare, because it's being told from the narrator's perspective to the teenager by a magic crow, who shouldn't be able to hear the dinosaur.
The movie is about the story behind the fossil of a dinosaur's tooth, but the tooth itself doesn't come from the protagonist of the story. So really, the story isn't even about the story.
The whole time, you're thinking about how they could have taken all the CGI and made a new Jurassic Park. You technically still could. All you would need to do is CGI in Jeff Goldblum running from things and you'd have money up the ass. Or you could have used Morgan Freeman as the narrator doing his March of the Penguins shtick and classed things up.
How immature is this kid's movie? It has a dinosaur shitting on another dinosaur within the first ten minutes, then has about three minutes of dialogue about the shitting.
The movie is called, "Walking with Dinosaurs," and that's pretty much all they do. It's like Lord of the Rings without the Lord or Rings.
Honestly, if dinosaurs could talk, all I'd want them to say is, "Fuck you, other dinosaur! ROAR!"
At the moment, it only had a 4.7/10 score on imdb.com.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
That's a terrible and clunky title, but that phrase is actually in the movie. It's like in Family Guy, where Peter goes, "So that's where that came from," when he hears the name of the movie in the movie.
The movie theater was also serving alcohol, so I imagined a scenario where I'd drunkenly attack the screen trying to save Bilbo from the dragon, also like Family Guy.
So pretty much everything ever is like Family Guy.
This movie had all the stuff you wanted to see in the first movie, but didn't because Peter Jackson like money. It had elves killing orcs, the dragon, a romantic subplot that made no sense and felt forced, and they actually get to the fucking mountain and find the dragon and the stone they're looking for. Then it ends like Matrix Reloaded and you realize you have to go see another fucking movie next year, and you should have waited for the Blu Ray box set and watched them all at once over an eight-hour marathon.
It featured the most batshit ridiculous fighting scene since the Big Wheel scene in Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest, and also featured Orlando Bloom.
In it, Bilbo and the Dwarves are riding a rapids inside of barrels while being chased by both orcs and elves, who are also fighting each other as well as the dwarves. Legolas shows up and start literally hopping on the dwarves' heads as he jumps from one side of the river to the other. One dwarf gets and arrow in the leg, which I beleive is the closest any of them come to dying in any of the three movies. When you think about it, that completely negates any drama in all three movies. The movies have a death toll in the hundreds, but not one of the heroes suffers more than a boo-boo. It's like every 80's action movie times 10.
I'm also curious as to why any of the dwarves bothered to go along with Bilbo, as the entire plan centres on him and him alone. They're really just there for moral support.
Frozen
Frozen is a classic Disney movie in the Pixar style. It's really about how every Disney Pricess is fucking stupid. The Princess falls in love after meeting a man for the first time then gets cursed by a sorceress. She has something that talks and sings that should do neither of those things because it's supposed to be an animal/inanimate object as her companion. That's 90% of al Disney movies. At some point, the movie collides with an 80's movie ala Sixteen Candles when she realizes that she's been chasing after the wrong man. The main difference between this and every other Dinsey movie is that the evil sorceress isn't evil. Somewhere in there there's a metaphor for Rogue and Iceman. I'm not joking.
The Princess gets the same white streak in her white hair. There's even a thing where the Ice Queen wears gloves to cover her hands and never wants to touch anyone because she doesn't want them to know she's abnormal.Also: What's with Marvel/Disney and chicks with red hair? In Marvel there's been Mary Jane, The Black Widow, Crystal, Jean Grey, Mystique, Phoniex (Jean Grey's daughter), to name a few. Surprisingly, the Scarlet Witch is a brunette. In Disney there's been Belle, Merida, Anna, Jessica Rabbit, Ariel, and Lindsay Lohan. Since the two companies merged, they've been producing more red heads than exist in the world today. It's extra weird because Anna is a redhead and her sister is blonde.
In a weird way, the movie's like a sitcom with the dialogue and plot points. You'd almost expect them to start dancing in a fountain with umbrellas and having wacky neighbours.
The biggest sore point for me is the villain of the movie. If the villain had done absolutely nothing, he'd proabably end up winning. Instead, he goes on a triade and goes overboard. His entire shtick was that he was pretending to be good and loving to become the King. If he kept with it, he'd either have an adoring wife and be King, or else he'd just be the King. Instead, he went overboard. He basically fucked up as bad as he could fuck up.Who was he going to marry if not Anna?
To me, the greatest villain in Disney movies is Jafar. He wanted the Princess, the Kingdom, and infinite wishes, and he was a dickhair away from all of that. He had the broadest scope of anyone ever and he had a pretty damn good plan. The bad guy in Frozen just wanted a kingdom, and not a good one at that. Legally, he'd probably end up having to go through an ellection or else be cast aside by a distant relative of the Queen. 'Dem's the rules, fucko.
